Letting Go

New Print available here - quote by Jen Gray

Day 5 of the Reverb10 project

December 5 Let Go
  What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

 Things I have let go of this year:

• I have let go of putting a smile on my face when I'm hurting deeply
• I have let go of being a Super Mom that throws over the top Perfect Birthday Parties
• I have let go of tight control on $. I still have a budget but I allow myself luxuries once in awhile.
• I have let go of being the perfect friend. This is a hard one. I made a lot of mistakes and learned many life lessons because of it.
• I have let go of losing weight. I read "Women, Food and God" and realized that my approach to losing weight and being "healthy" were not healthy at all. I am still reading this book and being gentle with myself about this issue. I know I will get there when the time is right.
• I have let go of fear and more fear :
• Fear of sharing myself – the real me
• Fear of putting my art out into the world
• Fear of calling myself an artist
• Fear of my past - Instead of hiding from my broken pieces, I am embracing them and looking them straight in the eye with a heart full of love.
• Fear of not having enough "_____" (money, time, space, energy) still working on this one and probably will be my whole life
• I have let go of being "little miss perfect". This is one of those broken pieces I found this year. She served me well and got me to where I am in life, but it's time to have a little fun and let her rest for a bit.
• I have let go of the idea that it's BAD to be angry. It's totally ok. There is a time, place and method for releasing anger that does not harm other people.
• I have let go of a LOT of judgment. This will also be a lifelong process but a major release has happened in this area of my life this year. I am embracing the idea that "All judgment is self-judgment". I have followed that rabbit trail and it led me right back to myself. It's a difficult but necessary part of my journey and goes hand in hand with forgiveness.
• I have let go of "being nice" at the expense of my own desires and NEEDS. I learned to really think about what I need and ask for it.
• I have let go of the idea that my emotions should be on an even plane. That is not the way life works and as a person who FEELS things very deeply, it's absurd to think I could ever live that way. I'm going to have UP days and DOWN days and they are all ok.
•  

365 Photo Project Update

Here are the pics from this week

 

12-2-10 family game night

 

12-3-10 Orange Leaf

12-4-10 New Wimpy Kid Book

12-5-10 Boys being Boys

12-6-10 Paper Whites (kind of creepy)

12-7-10 Family Art Night

Wonder

Day 4 of the Reverb10 project

I am taking my time with these questions and not pushing myself to answer and blog each day. I think it's important for me to sit with each one until the answer comes. 

December 4 Wonder

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

 (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

The biggest way I cultivated a sense of wonder this year was through photography. It makes me slow down and really notice where I'm at. It allows me to see all of the little details that create this magnificent world we live in.

 I can picture myself walking through the streets of Las Vegas this past spring. I was like a kid in a candy store. There was so much to see. I remember taking pictures of a sweet little flower bed outside of one of the hotels. The girls I was with kept telling me I'd seen nothing yet. They were taking me to the Bellagio and they knew I would love it. But at that moment, this little flower bed still held my attention and was worthy of another photo.

  As we went on our journey I was mesmerized at each new location – the Luxor, the MGM grand, M&M World, the Coke Store, New York New York, and the Paris Hotel.  I thought I'd seen a little piece of heaven when we walked into the M&M rainbow wall room – such organization and color – I loved it. I kept apologizing for slowing us down and taking so many pics. My friends kept saying "don't worry about it. Enjoy it!

 We dined at the super cool Hard Rock Café and as we stepped out in the darkness I was awestruck again. The Bellagio fountains had just started dancing to the music. We paused to watch that lovely show and then headed into the Bellagio. I literally stopped and could not move. The smell and colors overtook me. I'd never seen anything like it. I truly felt like I was walking through a storybook.

 I had so much fun with the settings on my camera, playing with depth of field and all the cool techniques I had been learning in photography class. I found a section full of poppies and shot them from every angle possible. I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

This experience taught me that I don't need to apologize for my paparazzi ways. They are a hard fought gift and they make me who I am. Yes I know I look like a tourist even in my own hometown, but that's the way I like it.

I also love teaching this skill of "wonder" to my children. After we put up the Christmas tree this year, I asked the boys to turn off all the lights in the house and sit with me on the couch. It only lasted a few minutes, but it was powerful. Hayden looked at the tree, looked at me and said "mommy it's so beautiful. I love Christmas". The wonder and peace in his eyes made me tear up. I thanked God that I was able to experience that moment.

In the Moment

Day 3 of the Reverb10 project

December 3 Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year.

 Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

(Author: Ali Edwards)

This was a hard one for me. I tried to think back through my experiences this year and I couldn't think of anything off the top of my head where I really felt ALIVE. I started looking through my 365 photos and several events came to mind. But when I tried to go back and remember how I felt, I noticed that the memories are numb. I can remember the details - the where, why, what, how, etc. But there are only blurs and wisps of emotional memories. This is one of my odd quirks. I have a certain emotional threshold and when it is surpassed, my emotional mind shuts off and I go numb. It happens in the "I never want to forget this times" and it happens in the "I'm so glad I'm going to forget all about this" times. The upside to this quirk is that I can watch the same movie 3 or 4 times and forget how it ends. Justin is always bewildered that I can't remember. 

However, one event in my memory kept coming up for me today. Maybe it's because it wasn't an overwhelming emotional moment, it was just a calm, sweet and tender moment. It happened on a PTI weekend retreat in Kansas. I was alone with my camera walking down an old gravel road. I remember how loud my steps sounded on that road. The air was dusty and dirty. The sky was beautiful with a gorgeous orange sunset and I could make out the silhouette of 2 horses in the pasture. It was so, so quiet and peaceful. I could hear my own breath and it made me not want to walk on that loud gravel and ruin the silence. I looked at the side of the road and noticed a bunch of thorny weeds growing. What caught my eye were the beautiful yellow flowers poking up through those weeds. I suddenly had one of those still moments where I saw myself - rising up out of the weeds - strong and new. I thought of the Anais Nin quote:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud

 was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

I remember taking probably 50 shots of those beautiful weeds and the 3 above are my favorites. I wish I could remember the emotional sense of peace and rest that I felt in that moment. I think that maybe this is why photography is so important to me and especially capturing the everyday moments. It makes me slow down and look for the small details in life that are worthy of being honored. 

Day 2 of the Reverb10 project

December 2 Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

I think the biggest thing that holds me back from writing/journaling is , well, me. Most of the time I have so many colliding emotions and ideas that I can't seem to figure out how to get them out. I am constantly critiquing the words as they appear - "no, that's not it", "that sounds dumb", "that doesn't explain it all", "it's more complicated than that", etc. In the past I have just given up and kept my thoughts and feelings to myself. But I am working on LETTING IT FLOW and trying not to worry if it's perfect. I know that when I come back to my words in the future, it will be enough. And that is what REALLY MATTERS.

365 Photo Project

I can't believe I only have one month left of photos for the year! I am really proud of myself for sticking with this project this year. Here are the pictures from this past week.

11/23 - Updated self-portrait

11/24 - Roland's Wish List

11/25 - Singing before enjoying our Thanksgiving Dinner

11/26 - We put up our decorations the day after Thanksgiving

 

11/27 - Flowers that Joy and Angela brought for dinner

 

11/28 - Books I am reading right now

 

11/29 - I have been sick with a terrible cold all week - thankful for Hot Tea, Honey and Puffs Plus

 

11/30 - Loading the advent calendar

12/1 - 1st Advent Activity

Our family has an advent box that we use each year. Each day is filled with a different activity and a piece of chocolate for each of the boys. Our activity for the 1st day of advent was to make a paper chain with 25 days. We hung our chain from the dining room chandelier and the boys are enjoying tearing off a ring each day. My mother in law made one of these for Hayden's last birthday and it really helped him to visually understand the passage of time.  

Reverb 10 Project

Fall Flower - November 2010

 

I read about the Reverb10 project from Ali Edward's blog. I am going to do my best to keep up with the challenge as I think it will be really good for me to reflect on the past year and manifest my desires for 2011.

December 1 One Word
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

If I had to wrap up 2010 in one word it would be Pursue

This year it seems like I have been pursuing so many things in order to create a better life for myself and my family.

I have pursued:

peace within and without

balance

love, love, love

forgiveness for myself and others

hope that everything will be OK

trust in my closest relationships
courage to keep hoping and trusting

the ability to notice the little things and be thankful for them

healthy/deep connection with friends and family

spiritual freedom

fun in the midst of sadness

the ability to be present and fully alive

worthiness & authenticity

letting go of so many things

art & painting

joy & play

photography

& rest

(it's funny how rest is at the bottom of the list)

This year has been about changing the way things have been. It was time to get real and honest about who I was as a person and what I wanted in my life. It was time for me to release my fears and just try stuff. It was about "DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT" when I found myself in the same old situations and patterns. 

My hope for 2011 is that rest will somehow make its way up in the list. I want to relax and let go a little more. I want to trust that there is enough time, enough money, and enough love for all of us.

So the word I wish to manifest for 2011 is Patience.

It's not that I don't want to continue to pursue all of the things on my list, I just need to have a little faith that I don't have to get it all done RIGHT NOW.

Taking a New Class

Tulsa Zoo - November 2010

I am starting a new class tomorrow and I am seriously excited about it.

It lines up with so many of the items on my Mondo Beyondo list:

• Build a tight group of people that I can be myself with
• Broaden my world view
• Support people in other countries without just sending money their way
• Have hope that things can change
• Reach out to people that are different from me and learn from them
• Make dreams come true for others
• Learn more about Africa
• Teach my children that the world can change

I think the part that I love the most is that it will be a small intimate group. In the past when I have taken classes, I tended to mainly listen and not participate in the conversations as much. This will be good for me to really share who I am. I am also so excited to learn more about Africa and to hear amazing life stories about hope and courage. I definitely need this right now.

*****  I am running a Black Friday/Cyber Monday sale in my etsy shop right now. I am offering free shipping until Tuesday. *****  

365 Photo Project Weekly Recap

SUNDAY

making birthday cards for Nana

MONDAY

my awesome boys

 

TUESDAY

beautiful fall leaves

WEDNESDAY

so many trees have already lost their leaves

THURSDAY

There is a great story to go with this one

FRIDAY

new wreath for the front door - perfect poppies

 

SATURDAY

craft time with the kids

SUNDAY

boys and their friends at the zoo - having a Harry Potter moment

365 Photo - Oct. 8th

One of the many things

I love about my husband

is that he knows how to

make me laugh.

He has a gift for giving

my "serious" side a

vacation every now and then.

this is a perfect example

love you babe

This picture also makes me think of this song... enjoy

Be Real and Breathe

Print by Poppy In The Sun

Feeling a bit

overwhelmed

with life these

past few days.

I have been

repeating

this affirmation

to myself.

OU Game

us at the game - taken on iphone

I am not much of a sports fan. I would much rather have a long talk in a coffee shop than sit and watch a game. However, I think it's important to expose my children to all kinds of things in life and I often feel like we don't encourage sports enough. So this weekend we thought it would be fun to head to Norman and see a genuine OU football game live in the stadium.

Roland was so excited. He has watched a few games on TV and he loves to throw the football in the back yard with Justin. Our friend, who is an avid OU fan and lives in Norman, went with us to the game. He told us on the way that it's not just a game, it's a game and hike. He was not kidding. We parked about a mile from the stadium and began our trek. The boys were really good even though it felt like we were dragging them half the time. It's funny because this part of our trip really showed me how much I have grown in the last few years. Something like this would have caused major anxiety and frustration in the past. I would have been very uptight – saying "hold my hand", "come on", "stop goofing around", "would you boys pay attention please", etc.  But I really just tried to enjoy the walk and I kept encouraging Roland to do the same. I told him "instead of just trying to get there, look at where you are and take it all in, the tailgaters, the smells of yummy food, the campus buildings and the sea of red clothing surrounding us." He tried but he also got frustrated and just wanted to get there. I totally get it, but hopefully I planted a seed that will grow as he matures.

The game was so fun. We had a blast yelling "O" "U" with the crowd and watching the fireworks at each touchdown. Hayden was a little freaked out by the super loud fans that kept whooping and hollering. After awhile he was more interested in my iphone than the game. Unfortunately we were all really cold. We were on the shady side of the stadium way up high and the cold breeze was pretty intense. At one point Roland actually got in my coat with me – arms and all. I have to admit that I really loved this. He's getting to the age where it's not so cool to snuggle with mom any more.

I also had a problem with the crowd when they started yelling "Texas sucks" and cheering when the other team would make a mistake. It just didn't feel right and at one point Roland yelled "yeah Texas does suck". I got really upset and told him to not say that – that we would discuss it in the car. I guess I should investigate this in myself because I think it's totally ok to have healthy competition, but I have a real problem with the whole "us" vs "them" stuff. I tend to get a bit serious about stuff like this and I have trouble relaxing and just letting it go. I talked to Justin about this on the way home and he said "well maybe competition should just be with yourself". I think I agree.

We warmed up with hot chocolate at IHOP on the way back to Tulsa and the boys crashed in the back seat on the drive home. I learned a little more about balance this weekend – balance in our activities, balance in being kind to myself but also pushing myself to stay present. I really enjoyed doing something different. Would I want to do this every weekend? – No way – but I will definitely be purchasing some tickets for the upcoming basketball season.

PoppyArt

On Staying Home with Kids

photo by poppyinthesun

Dear Little Poppy,

One of my dreams has always been to be a stay at home mom. 

This did not work out so well with my first son.
I immediately had post-pardom depression
and it never really seemed to get better.
I gained 30 pounds in one year
and sometimes couldn't pull my body off the couch
to take care of my son.
I still carry a lot of shame about my behavior.
I felt different from all of my church friends
who seemed to love being a mommy. 
All I wanted was to be left alone.
(sound familiar?)  

Fast forward 8 years
and I am better now, but still struggling.
I work full time because I think it's better for everyone right now.
I am on this healing journey and I can see improvement.
The last two days I have been home
all day with my younger son.
He is four and has emotional issues himself.
Yesterday was awful.
I couldn't seem to get enough alone time.
I kept trying to occupy him with things,
so that I could do my own thing.
I felt so guilty and I felt shame again. 

What is wrong with me?
I love this child so much,
why don't I want to spend time with him?

I can remember watching a video
just a few days ago about a man who was
in a near death experience and 
he couldn't wait to get home to see his boys. 
I cried and knew exactly how he felt. 
But why now that I am getting to spend this precious alone time
with my son, why do I want to escape him?

I didn't understand it,
but I decided to breathe through it
and try another day with him today.
He did have a fever the night before
so I could justify another day off work.
We did much better today.
He watched one cartoon in the morning
while I showered and got ready for the day. 
(I didn't get that far yesterday)
Then we played with play dough and legos.
We played board games and computer games.
I was actually having fun with him until it was time to head to the store.
You see my son HATES wearing socks and shoes.
He literally fights us every day about it.
We have tried every trick in the book to get him to wear them,
but eventually it just takes forcing the shoes on
and telling him it will feel better in a few minutes.
And it does,
but I am exhausted and feel defeated
after the ordeal. 

Today was no different,
I could feel my energy draining
and my desire to escape rising to the surface.
We headed to the store and
I'm glad I made that choice.
It kept me moving and I got some sun in the car.
By the time we left Wal-mart, all was good again.
He was looking so cute
in his hand-knit R2-D2 hat
and he had been an angel in the store.
Not a single argument.
The rest of the day was great.
We had lunch, watched another cartoon
and then headed out to pick up his big brother at school.
On the way he fell asleep
and I haven't been able to wake him since.
He is out for the night and I actually miss him.

This is how I know I am getting better,,
I actually want to spend more time
with my child after being home with him all day.
It doesn't seem like much and
I am definitely not a perfect mother,
but I have to rejoice in these small victories. 

So, I bet you wonder why I'm telling you all this, little poppy. 

Well it is because I think you made all the difference.
Because you were out and playing with my son,
we all had a great day.
I know you got scared when he started yelling
and fighting about his shoes,
but you managed to hang in there long enough to play with him again. 

Thank you for being brave today and trying to play. 

It was fun being with both of you.

Love me,

The Strong One

Encouragement

original art work by poppy in the sun

Courage for Haiti

photo by JessikaMarie

Dear Strong One,

I don't know what to do.

I know I can't stay hidden forever.

I know you love me but is that enough?

There is so much sadness in this world.

I just don't know if my heart can take any more pain or sorrow.

When I watch the news about Haiti, it makes me so sad and hopeless.

I want to help.

I want to reach through the screen

and hold those poor children

who are so hurt and lonely.

But what can I do?

I'm in the middle of the United States.

What can I do?

Then suddenly I remember

that I do matter and I can help.

I can send financial help,

but more importantly,

I can send love and light

to everyone there.

When I see a sad child on the t.v.,

I can immediately open my heart

and send light their way.

I know the universe will give it to them.

So I guess I better stop hiding now.

I have work to do.

Love,

Little Poppy

no matter what, you are going to be ok

Dear sweet little poppy

We have been stuck here for a few days now, haven’t we?

 I’ve been searching and hoping for some magic solution

 that would make our life comfortable enough,

 that you would be willing to come out. 

The truth is, life doesn’t work that way.
Coming out and staying present in life is hard.

 It takes courage to step out and accept things as they are.

  You also have every right to feel jealous of the little boys. 

They are allowed to be who they are.

 They are allowed to express their emotions

 and you were not given that opportunity.

 But things are different now.

 You can tell me anything in any way you please.

 I will listen to you and allow you to have those thoughts and feelings.

 I am also here to calm your fears and remind you that you are deeply loved.

 When you come out things will not be perfect.

 The little boys will still whine and cry.

 Sad things and frustrating things will happen.

 All of those things help us grow up

 if we try to learn from them.

 I’m not going to lie and say “things will get better”,

 but I will be honest with you and say

 “no matter what, you are going to be ok”

Love me,

The Strong One

“Fear is a natural reaction of moving closer to the truth.

 If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are,

 then our experience becomes very vivid.

 Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.” 

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” 

Pema Chödrön