On Staying Home with Kids

photo by poppyinthesun

Dear Little Poppy,

One of my dreams has always been to be a stay at home mom. 

This did not work out so well with my first son.
I immediately had post-pardom depression
and it never really seemed to get better.
I gained 30 pounds in one year
and sometimes couldn't pull my body off the couch
to take care of my son.
I still carry a lot of shame about my behavior.
I felt different from all of my church friends
who seemed to love being a mommy. 
All I wanted was to be left alone.
(sound familiar?)  

Fast forward 8 years
and I am better now, but still struggling.
I work full time because I think it's better for everyone right now.
I am on this healing journey and I can see improvement.
The last two days I have been home
all day with my younger son.
He is four and has emotional issues himself.
Yesterday was awful.
I couldn't seem to get enough alone time.
I kept trying to occupy him with things,
so that I could do my own thing.
I felt so guilty and I felt shame again. 

What is wrong with me?
I love this child so much,
why don't I want to spend time with him?

I can remember watching a video
just a few days ago about a man who was
in a near death experience and 
he couldn't wait to get home to see his boys. 
I cried and knew exactly how he felt. 
But why now that I am getting to spend this precious alone time
with my son, why do I want to escape him?

I didn't understand it,
but I decided to breathe through it
and try another day with him today.
He did have a fever the night before
so I could justify another day off work.
We did much better today.
He watched one cartoon in the morning
while I showered and got ready for the day. 
(I didn't get that far yesterday)
Then we played with play dough and legos.
We played board games and computer games.
I was actually having fun with him until it was time to head to the store.
You see my son HATES wearing socks and shoes.
He literally fights us every day about it.
We have tried every trick in the book to get him to wear them,
but eventually it just takes forcing the shoes on
and telling him it will feel better in a few minutes.
And it does,
but I am exhausted and feel defeated
after the ordeal. 

Today was no different,
I could feel my energy draining
and my desire to escape rising to the surface.
We headed to the store and
I'm glad I made that choice.
It kept me moving and I got some sun in the car.
By the time we left Wal-mart, all was good again.
He was looking so cute
in his hand-knit R2-D2 hat
and he had been an angel in the store.
Not a single argument.
The rest of the day was great.
We had lunch, watched another cartoon
and then headed out to pick up his big brother at school.
On the way he fell asleep
and I haven't been able to wake him since.
He is out for the night and I actually miss him.

This is how I know I am getting better,,
I actually want to spend more time
with my child after being home with him all day.
It doesn't seem like much and
I am definitely not a perfect mother,
but I have to rejoice in these small victories. 

So, I bet you wonder why I'm telling you all this, little poppy. 

Well it is because I think you made all the difference.
Because you were out and playing with my son,
we all had a great day.
I know you got scared when he started yelling
and fighting about his shoes,
but you managed to hang in there long enough to play with him again. 

Thank you for being brave today and trying to play. 

It was fun being with both of you.

Love me,

The Strong One

Encouragement

original art work by poppy in the sun

Courage for Haiti

photo by JessikaMarie

Dear Strong One,

I don't know what to do.

I know I can't stay hidden forever.

I know you love me but is that enough?

There is so much sadness in this world.

I just don't know if my heart can take any more pain or sorrow.

When I watch the news about Haiti, it makes me so sad and hopeless.

I want to help.

I want to reach through the screen

and hold those poor children

who are so hurt and lonely.

But what can I do?

I'm in the middle of the United States.

What can I do?

Then suddenly I remember

that I do matter and I can help.

I can send financial help,

but more importantly,

I can send love and light

to everyone there.

When I see a sad child on the t.v.,

I can immediately open my heart

and send light their way.

I know the universe will give it to them.

So I guess I better stop hiding now.

I have work to do.

Love,

Little Poppy

no matter what, you are going to be ok

Dear sweet little poppy

We have been stuck here for a few days now, haven’t we?

 I’ve been searching and hoping for some magic solution

 that would make our life comfortable enough,

 that you would be willing to come out. 

The truth is, life doesn’t work that way.
Coming out and staying present in life is hard.

 It takes courage to step out and accept things as they are.

  You also have every right to feel jealous of the little boys. 

They are allowed to be who they are.

 They are allowed to express their emotions

 and you were not given that opportunity.

 But things are different now.

 You can tell me anything in any way you please.

 I will listen to you and allow you to have those thoughts and feelings.

 I am also here to calm your fears and remind you that you are deeply loved.

 When you come out things will not be perfect.

 The little boys will still whine and cry.

 Sad things and frustrating things will happen.

 All of those things help us grow up

 if we try to learn from them.

 I’m not going to lie and say “things will get better”,

 but I will be honest with you and say

 “no matter what, you are going to be ok”

Love me,

The Strong One

“Fear is a natural reaction of moving closer to the truth.

 If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are,

 then our experience becomes very vivid.

 Things become very clear when there is nowhere to escape.” 

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” 

Pema Chödrön

I don't want come out yet.

the traveller by BrookeShaden

Dear Strong One

I don't want come out yet.

Your house scares me and makes me frustrated.

The little boys cry and whine a lot.

I wish you could make them stop.

When I acted like that I got in big trouble.

I learned to be quiet and obey the grown ups

so that they wouldn't hurt me. I don't think it's fair.

I'm glad you are talking to me but I really like to be alone.

I just want to go to sleep again.

Little Poppy 

First Letter

photo by DigitalBreakout at flickr

Dear Little Poppy


I am so excited to be writing this letter to you. 

I am also a little afraid of not following through like I should.

But you are very important to me and you are a priority in my life.

A few weeks ago I asked you to come and be a part of the family.

Our house is very active with 2 little boys

and a very nice and gentle daddy. We have a lot of fun.

The most important thing about our house is that it is a safe place for you.

You can be yourself and speak without fear.

Everyone here loves you very much.

Love me,
The Strong One

Why Poppies?

photo by Auntie P at flickr

I have always been drawn to and identified with them.

Especially red poppies.

I have a red car, a red coat, and way too many red t-shirts.

I recently read about how to grow poppies.

They can be tricky to grow in the early stages.

The seedlings need a ton of sun, warmth and moisture to sprout.

They need delicate handling.

However, once they are established,

they can re-seed themselves and

produce flowers year after year.

I guess you could say

I am cultivating my inner seedlings

so that I can become the

strong & beautiful woman

I want to be.

And just like poppies

I can not do this on my own.

I rely on a power higher than myself

to give me strength, perspective, truth

and nurturing on this journey.

For me, the sun has always been

a perfect physical analogy

of that power.

Welcome to Poppy in the Sun

About a year ago I started on a healing journey. 

Along the way I found a part of myself

that had been silenced and forgotten.

It took many months to

connect with my "inner poppy".

She is very scared and shy.

When I did make a connection with her,

I made her a promise

- that I would write down what she was feeling.

This blog is my way of following through on that promise.

a portion of my art journal - 2009