Falsely Barren

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. " Pema Chodron

Do you ever need to be reminded that life still works?

That all of the hopeful things you believe about life are true.

That light still wins

And love is more powerful than anything

I do

As I walked through this falsely barren rose garden I realized I am in a similar state in my spirit these days. Falsely barren

In a few months this garden will be bursting with color and undeniable life.

Today I watch as the caretakers gently prune and nourish the soil that feeds these waiting beauties.

Faith, hope and love are at work in this place. Where I can see only thorns and vines today, amazing beauty will grow in time.

And this is the way of things.

Things come together and things fall apart as the saying says above.

We have to make room for all of the phases no matter how gloomy and empty they feel. We must keep our faith that beauty and life will find away to shine again.

We have to give things time and not panic. We must nurture instead.

We must hold on

Hold on to hope

To love

And allow the grief to soak through our bones

so that none will be left when it is time to shine again.

Yoda's Right

"Fear is the path to the dark side.

Fear leads to anger.

Anger leads to hate.

Hate leads to suffering."

Yoda

thanks for reminding me of this one Che. I forgot how much I love Yoda.

So I’m humbly climbing back into my life again after a week or so of big emotions and even bigger lessons.

Looking back, the mountain I climbed with tears in my eyes and fury in my heart looks more like a bump in the road.

It’s crazy how that works.

But the fact of the matter is, I am who I am for lots of reasons and I hurdled that bump to the best of my ability at the time.

I hurt a lot of people in the process (including myself) but I also learned a lot from those mistakes.

Things like:

Don’t read facebook when you’re going through a huge life struggle. It will just make you more depressed. No one tells the 100% truth of their lives on there and all of those spiritual and zen quotes are often taken out of context and end up being more confusing than helpful when you’re really stressed out. Stress brings on black and white thinking and that zen stuff is more about the gray and finding the truth for yourself.

I remember reading through a few of them and feeling so confused.

Do I accept that I can’t handle this and just accept myself right now, or try to be grateful for this experience or push myself to find more strength? The truth was that I needed to do a little bit of all of it.

And the real truth is that there is no “right or wrong” when it comes down to it. We do the best we can given the skills and love we have in our hearts in every moment. If we screw up, the best thing to do is forgive ourselves, learn from it and move on.

I do have to admit that posting a SOS on my page and hearing from friends far away that they were sending me love and light helped… a lot. So facebook isn’t completely evil.



The other thing I learned is just how sensitive my body and consequently my mind and spirit are to chemicals. Taking medications that I’m not use to, spiked a chemical imbalance that created anxiety and angst inside of me that was way higher than my status quo. At the time I didn’t realize it and so I ended up overreacting to many of the situations I found myself in.

I also learned that my kids are not babies any more. I simply did not have the ability to “take care” of them the way I have in the past. They had to fend for themselves more and they did just fine. This was a huge thing for me because I should have been doing this a long time ago. I have to teach them to take care of themselves if they are ever going to be able to leave the nest.

Another gift that I received, although uncomfortable, was the gift of hearing the truth about how I react in these situations from Che. While I have always seen myself as a soul looking for deep connection, especially in the midst of stress, I see now that my natural reaction is to actually hide. I isolate and draw my light inside of myself and end up pulling it from everyone around me as a result. Staying present in the midst of pain is very difficult for me. This is a biggie and I’m thankful for the gift of that honest reflection.

I could sit and play coulda shoulda woulda all day about how I handled things and how I would do things different next time. But the point is, it’s over and done. The boys remember our experience as a fun trip. And while some painful conversations occurred, a lot of healthy conversations also took place. I learned that I really am a pretty tough cookie and that I do have the ability to snap out of the funk and just be in a good mood if I choose to do so.

There are a few moments speckled in all of that mess that I have been replaying in my mind while patting myself on the back. Like when we pulled over for Che to get a few pictures of Timmy at the sculpture park. It was cold. I was in pain and tired. But Hayden decided he wanted to get out too and even offered to let Che take some pics of him. I took a deep breath and got out and followed them through the park. We got some really great shots together that I will cherish forever and we had a lot of fun. If I had stayed in the car I would have missed out on seeing my baby blooming into this new boy exploding with joy and energy.

I have learned that there are really only two core emotions. Fear and Love and I even had someone tell me the other day that fear is just another form of love. I don’t get that yet, but maybe it will make sense one day. But the point is that I think we have a choice daily to choose which emotions we let rule us. I love myself enough to forgive myself for letting fear rule me for so long. And for the rest of my days I will strive to continue to make my life a vessel of love and light instead.

Balance

A friend posted this the other day and I had to make sure I saved it. To me it beautifully portrays the balance in life of giving everything you have (plus some)

with being able to let it all go as well.

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;

If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Numb

We are home sweet home.

Today has been all about

sleeping in

LAUNDRY

cleaning

cooking homemade soup

catching up with family

video games for the boys

and 

decompressing for me

( in the in between moments of everything else mentioned above)

My body is beginning to heal

But I feel bruised inside and out

I feel like I let a lot of people down, including myself

I feel desperate

quiet

numb

Tomorrow the boys will go back to their dad

and I will go back to work

I am letting go of fear about so many things right now

But trying to find the balance between letting go and healthy concern and  boundary setting

Pain and stress bring out the worst in everyone

and I saw pieces of myself this week that I wish I could wave a magic wand over and change

Panic

Negativity

Bitchiness

Impatience

And while I see that I was not up to Angie par I also see that some things went down that raised a few flags in my mind (and especially in my heart )

At first they made me want to make drastic life changing decisions

But I knew that was a horrible idea in the middle of crisis

Instead I have to sit with things

Communicate and talk about them

And then pick apart the ones that need to simply be let go of and which need to be dealt with in a healthy way

I think only time will tell

I also need to follow through with my doctor and get advice from someone I trust

I'm grateful for the text and facebook messages from friends and family that got me through.

I know the boys will remember the trip to St. Louis as a great family vacation.

I hope in time I can see it the same way and can be even more grateful for the blessings that happened along the way.

But tonight, I have to admit, I have no desire to do a mama with two kids vacation again nor do I wish to visit St. Louis again. I think the Pavlov effect of that city on my brain is one of pain, loneliness and misery. Why on earth would I want to be reminded of any of that again.

I'm owning my negativity right now. I know where I'm at. I'm working to come out of it. But right now I'm doing my best to find my way back to my happy self again.

Presence in Pain

Sometimes I wish my soul wasn't quite so zealous for life lessons and enlightenment.

This week I am on vacation with my boys adventuring and exploring in St. Louis.

I met with my good friend Suzanne to set some mastermind goals for this week Sunday night. I told her I wanted to practice the observation meditation that seemed to shift and relax my mind so well over the past few weeks. I also wanted to stay present with the boys as much as humanly possible no matter what internal stuff I was dealing with.

We are having a great trip so far! But I am also dealing with a personal issue causing intense physical pain. I have researched and I will be fine. It will just take time to heal.

I am frustrated by the timing but there's nothing I can do about it but accept it, take care of myself and keep going. I refuse to let my own pain hold me back from giving the boys a great trip and memories.

I read a little last night about how to meditate to relieve pain and found another life lesson.

I ran across the practice of Tonglen as explained by Pema Chodron, one of my favorite teachers. She says experiencing pain allows and broadens our compassion for others. In order to have compassion for others, we HAVE to have compassion for OURSELVES first.

I tend to go inside when I feel pain. I stare harshly and try to go away. Checking out feels like the only way to escape. I alienate myself and push away the compassion that is given to me, even though I'm aching for someone or something to hold me and love me.

This go round I'm trying things a little different. I am practicing the Tonglen meditation of breathing into the pain, feeling it fully and then breathing out love

and light to that part of my body.

Pema writes that the better we get at doing this for ourselves the better we are at giving it to others. I want my life to be a testament to this kind of compassion and love.

It's interesting how the universe guides us too. This morning Hay burned his finger at breakfast. Not bad but it hurt. When he panicked it hurt worse. Once he just accepted that it was happening and took a few deep breaths he was ok. When I showed him compassion it helped even more.

So while pain sucks, these lessons are worth learning for all of us. I am grateful for this crazy life we get to live. Mirroring and loving each other as we go.

A Moving Sea

Yesterday I had lunch with a few friends. Two of them have husbands that work together. I witnessed a conversation that stirred something inside of me. It touched on a piece of vulnerability and fear that I know lies within me too.

The two husbands that work together are in management. They hired a young woman recently. They have both been going home and raving about said woman to their wives. How intelligent and cool she is. This girl is a firecracker, involved in just about everything you can imagine and she has hooked these guys big time. Both of my friends felt threatened by their husbands’ sudden interest in another woman. What struck me most is that neither one of my friends had talked to anyone about it. They had silently let these feelings of fear run in the undercurrent of their lives. But as one of them talked about it, the other’s eyes lit up.

“Me too! I felt exactly the same way! What’s the deal? Why is he so excited about this chick?”

I immediately connected with both of them. I saw my own fear in their eyes.

I think a lot of people struggle with this fear of being replaced by the shiny new object.

It comes from shame of course. Thinking we are not good enough, interesting enough, sexy enough, funny enough, _________ enough.

It also comes from our genetics. Survival of the fittest and those wires in our brains that are so truly human and primitive. It’s truth that we get bored with the same old anything. Routine and sameness wears on us and we crave adventure and change.

I have the same genetics, but I tend to crave connectedness and love even more than adventure.

I look at scenarios like this and it immediately makes me fearful to put my love into romantic or platonic relationships. What if they bore of me and all of the time and energy I put into that connection is ripped away from me?

Before I stepped out of my bubble I lived in such a way that these fears were band-aided by man-made institutions. Church was my shelter for friendships and marriage was my life-long institution for love. I was in “committed” relationships that I felt would never end and it gave me false security.

As I stepped out of church I witnessed friendships crumble and with divorce came the leap out of the bubble. It was the biggest consequence possible for taking the person I loved for granted. I own that big time and regret it deeply. But what is past is past and I know now this path had to be forged.

I believe our divorce was a tragedy but I also believe it was an opportunity to grow as people and I’m thankful we both chose to do so. I learned from it on so many levels but the big one is to be thankful each day for people in my life.

I look at relationships in a completely different way now. I can now see that friends will come in and out of my life. I choose to be grateful for today and work to let go with love when I feel people slipping away. I will always care deeply about the souls that cross my path, but I have to move on and allow for more connections.

Many of my friends ask if I want to remarry and I almost always say no. Marriage still feels like false security to me. I want to love today with all of my heart and let go of what will happen in the future. Yes I believe in commitment... giving my heart entirely to one man, staying true and by his side through hard times and good times. But I don’t want to take that precious soul connection and wrap any cords of confinement around it. The quote below describes what I am trying to say in such a beautiful and eloquent way.

“Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” Kahlil Gibran

I do believe that relationships require work though. Our human desire for newness and adventure will always exist. But I think it’s possible to keep love fresh. Routine and neglect will destroy the natural cycle, so I constantly choose to be thankful and push myself beyond my comfort zone to keep the spark on fire.

Che and I have talked about this many times. He says he wants us to “date” forever. I love the idea. It means looking at each other with the same amount of gratitude and awe as when we first met. It takes focus and sacrifice sometimes, but it is oh so much fun. It is simple things like gently sweeping my hand across his back as he cooks dinner or when he leans in for a kiss at random moments. It’s “I love you” text messages throughout the day. It’s letting our kids play together and going on adventures when we can. It’s dreaming about the future together. It is being honest and not letting little things build up into mountains we can’t cross. And I believe it’s about keeping our individual lives alive as well.

I feel blessed and thankful for the relationships I have with both friends and with Che. In some ways I feel like I am throwing the baby out with the bath water with my ideas on marriage. But for now, it’s what sits right with me.

I’m not sure what the point of sharing all of this is. Maybe it will encourage someone who is in that place of fear to let go of their tight grasp on their loved ones and choose to play instead. Or maybe it was just to encourage myself to do the same.

I refuse

I refuse to be discouraged.

Even though I couldn’t keep up with the group

And as a result pushed too hard

And fell on my face in the middle of downtown lunch traffic

I refuse to be discouraged

Even though the voices in my head say

“see, you suck. You’ll never be good enough. Why even try”

And the torn flesh on my leg burns and aches

I refuse to be discouraged

Instead I will remember that I stood up and kept running 3 more miles

Instead I will say I’m unstoppable.

True Beauty

A friend posted this image on Facebook the other day.

Her name is Lizzie Miller and she is known as

the woman on p.194 of the September 2009 Glamour magazine.

The reaction to this posting was off the charts.

Over and over I saw

“that looks like me!”

“We need more images like this”

I could feel a virtual deep sigh of relief.

The shame drifting away

as women were reminded

that they were normal and beautiful.

I think the majority of people don’t feel 'good enough' today.

Brene' Brown has done tons of research on the issue and it’s true.

We are living in a society of deep shame.

The diet and health industry (both physical and mental) is booming like never before.

Viewing these comments and questions raised

made me dig a little deeper

into my own judgments and beliefs

about being healthy and beautiful.

I haven’t really talked about it much on here,

but over the last two years

I have lost close to 80 pounds.

I am still processing both the physical and emotional transformation.

My journey to health began towards the beginning of my divorce.

I knew I had to get on my feet and find my inner strength

if I was going to survive that life change.

I had abused my body most of my life

with shifting swings of sugar and junk food binges

followed by starvation and obsessive exercise.

In high school I lost a massive amount of weight

by tracking every single bite that entered my mouth

but I was completely OCD about it

and even started trying controlling and manipulating

the food intake of the people around me.

The pounds slowly crept on

as I went through college and early marriage.

But they reached their all time high during my deep depression

in my twenties and thirties.

I eventually started working on the deeper issues

(shame, guilt, fear)

causing my obesity and decided it was time to stop hiding and take care of myself.

I witnessed several friends

find joy in running by starting out with the numerous couchTo5k programs.

I decided to give it a try.

 On my first run I had something that I consider miraculous happen.

 A tiny white butterfly came along and joined me on the run.

 I took this as a sign that I needed to follow the running journey

 and see where it would lead me.

 To this day I still have what Che refers to as “my minions” join me on the path.

Two years later I can say it was one of the best choices I ever made.

 I have now finished a 5k, 10k, 15k and Half Marathon.

 Along the way I have learned how to listen to my body.

 To push it to its limits,

 to take care of it when it needs rest,

 to feed it and fuel it with healthy food,

 and how to listen to it deeply.

 I have found joy in all kinds of exercise 

and truly enjoy eating healthy energy rich foods.

But I still struggle with body image.

 Losing this much weight has caused a lot of excess skin I can’t stand.

 Many days when I look in the mirror

 I still see myself at close to 200 pounds

 ( I am only 5’ 2”). 

I constantly work to turn off the negative statements when I see myself in a mirror.

Part of it is driven by what I see.

 I believe our brains are wired to see beauty in symmetry and youth. 

 We are also given a societal view of beauty 

that is distorted and only given to a few who win the genetic lottery card. 

But I believe very deeply that beauty comes from within.

 When we believe we are beautiful,

 we feel beautiful

 and we radiate beauty.

 There is something about confidence that covers all physical flaws.

I think that is what people see when they look at the model on pg. 194.

 She is glowing with self-confidence.

 She is comfortable in her not so perfect skin.

 I truly believe if we saw more images like the one above 

in the print around us it would help us all 

see the beauty in our imperfections and own our own light.

I remember the first time I saw myself as physically beautiful.

 As most know, my guy is gifted with the ability

 to capture the beauty of women in such a way 

that we can see ourselves like never before.

 When we first started dating I was crazy camera shy.

 I had a moment of confidence one day

 and asked him to take some pictures of me.

 When I saw the images I spoke the words he has heard so many times before

 “that doesn’t look like me” 

and

“you made me look like a piece of art”.

 It took my breath away 

and it propelled my confidence to keep improving my body to where I wanted it to be.

I am beyond thankful for him

 and am constantly awe struck by the images he captures.

 Many of my friends don’t understand how I can be so open

 to dating someone who specializes in erotic photography. 

 They wonder how I can trust him

 and actually encourage him to go on photo shoots with naked women. 

The answer is that I KNOW HIM.

 It is his gift and I have no reason to not trust him.

 When my internal wheels start spinning

 and I begin to doubt or question,

 it is always my own insecurity rising to the surface.

 Living this journey has allowed me to do some deep work 

with that insecurity and the outcome has been incredible healing.

Along the way my own love of photography has expanded into working with people.

 I finally feel ready to take on the challenge of capturing the beauty of humanity.

 I believe beauty is in the real stuff…

 ALL emotions, shapes, sizes, curves and lines.

 Macro and micro I want to explore the light of the soul 

and what it means to be human.

 I call this series of my work, INTROSPECTIVES and I can’t get enough.

The more I am able shoot,

 the more I ponder these questions surrounding beauty.

 I find my eye looking for that symmetry and smoothness

 and the urge to reach for the liquify and cloning tools within photoshop creeps up.

It makes me wonder what I should focus on.

I know part of the problem with the image above is the position she is sitting in.

 If she was laid out on her back, arms reaching overhead, that tummy roll would disappear.

But what is more important?

Which image would capture her beauty?

Does the pose or acne or cellulite matter?

All I know is that when I see an image of myself

 that shows sagging skin or stretch marks,

 acne or a bad angle of my face, 

I cover my eyes and race for the delete button.

 I know other people feel the same way

 and that’s why we as photographers don’t share every image.

 We only show the “good ones”.

I honestly don’t know the answer to these questions,

 but I hope they become clear in time.

 For now I will continue to capture the beauty that surrounds me wherever I find it.