Numb

We are home sweet home.

Today has been all about

sleeping in

LAUNDRY

cleaning

cooking homemade soup

catching up with family

video games for the boys

and 

decompressing for me

( in the in between moments of everything else mentioned above)

My body is beginning to heal

But I feel bruised inside and out

I feel like I let a lot of people down, including myself

I feel desperate

quiet

numb

Tomorrow the boys will go back to their dad

and I will go back to work

I am letting go of fear about so many things right now

But trying to find the balance between letting go and healthy concern and  boundary setting

Pain and stress bring out the worst in everyone

and I saw pieces of myself this week that I wish I could wave a magic wand over and change

Panic

Negativity

Bitchiness

Impatience

And while I see that I was not up to Angie par I also see that some things went down that raised a few flags in my mind (and especially in my heart )

At first they made me want to make drastic life changing decisions

But I knew that was a horrible idea in the middle of crisis

Instead I have to sit with things

Communicate and talk about them

And then pick apart the ones that need to simply be let go of and which need to be dealt with in a healthy way

I think only time will tell

I also need to follow through with my doctor and get advice from someone I trust

I'm grateful for the text and facebook messages from friends and family that got me through.

I know the boys will remember the trip to St. Louis as a great family vacation.

I hope in time I can see it the same way and can be even more grateful for the blessings that happened along the way.

But tonight, I have to admit, I have no desire to do a mama with two kids vacation again nor do I wish to visit St. Louis again. I think the Pavlov effect of that city on my brain is one of pain, loneliness and misery. Why on earth would I want to be reminded of any of that again.

I'm owning my negativity right now. I know where I'm at. I'm working to come out of it. But right now I'm doing my best to find my way back to my happy self again.