Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong....

I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end - we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing that you just can’t know it all. You know, life’s funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong....

Why I run...

I booked myself up this weekend and most of the activities were slightly out of my comfort zone, two solo photo shoots, my first 15k run and first roller derby practice. Individually they would have been manageable but piled up together I was left feeling run down and tired instead of refreshed and full of energy for the week.

And then the tide hit this morning. Wave after wave of stressful events poured over me in a matter of hours and I felt like I was drowning. A broken heater, a sick child that I cannot physically comfort right now, a broken car, a lost badge...

Wait.. breath.. but.. breath… no.. breath.. grrr. Breath..shit.. breath… help…

I thought back to the last mile of the race I ran over the weekend. My ankles and knees were burning. My lungs were on fire from the cold air, gasping for air. I reached into my pouch for one last energy chew and a final swig of water. “You can do this Angie. You’ve trained for this. This is the moment you’ve been working so hard for. Don’t push too hard but keep going. Stretch your legs and fly. You’ve birthed two children. You can do anything you set your mind to. Let go of the pain and run with every ounce of energy you have.” And it worked. I made it across the finish line achieving the goals I had set for myself. Run the whole race and finish 15k under 1:35. (finished in 1:33!!) That snickers bar at the end was the best of my life.

Part of my letting go journey is not freaking out when stressful events happen. Once again I had the gift of watching Che live this out over the weekend. Sunday evening we hit a deer as we were driving with two of his boys on a country road near Drumright. It could have been a horrible accident. But Che was calm and collected and swerved in time so that the deer hit the side of the car instead of the front. He got out to check on things just in time to see another one hit just a few moments later. Thank goodness no one was hurt and my car only has a slight dent on one side. He got back in the car and continued on after making sure everyone was ok. My hands were shaking and the whole thing triggered a sense of dread that we were going to die in a horrible car wreck that night. I looked at him and asked how he could be so calm after that. He just shrugged and looked at me with a smile. But what I sense from him is “No need to stress it. It’s over. Everyone’s ok. So why worry about it now. Let’s just enjoy this moment we’re in now”

Living in the moment is such a freeing experience. It is a gift to ourselves and everyone around us. During the stressful times we do what we have to do to get through them. We accept them, stand up and make the hard choices, push through the resistance, get help when we need it and give everything we have. I think it helps to laugh about how crazy they can be too. Humor always helps. But the real lesson for me here is for the moments after the trial. Take a moment and really enjoy that snickers bar. Smile and laugh and pat yourself on the back for getting through it and then let it go.

I think it's also important to be grateful for the energy chews that get us through the stress. While this weekend was full I had the pleasure of connecting with many friends, and as I've talked about so many times before, connection is my energy source for life. I am grateful to my friend Written for allowing me to shoot the Poetry rally Friday night. Watching the inspiration on Airik's face at his first spoken word event was great and it was an honor to capture the raw emotion that evening. Laughing at Dylan in the haunted forest and seeing how much he trusts and loves his dad made me love them all that much more. Seeing (and hearing over and over) the excitement in Timmy as we approach Halloween and he finally gets to be the dark angel he has talked about for months, Che making me bacon before AND after the race on Saturday. Feeling the love that rests in their home and knowing that soon it will be my home as well. Honest and bold conversation over coffee with my dear friend Heather. And being witness to the love of another imperfect family finding their way the best they can and asking me to capture a few hours of their time. Life really is beautiful.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes

Dear Jim,
You've done it again.
Thanks. Just what I needed to remember today.

Love,
Me

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. If you could, you would see just how beautiful you are, and the extraordinary miracle of being you. If you could climb inside of me right now and feel what I feel for and about you, you would know you are accepted and loved… all of you… just the way you are, and you would never again doubt your worth or your place in this world. Don’t confuse the word “acceptance” with “tolerance.” It’s not that you are a tolerable you. You are that priceless piece of art, that song that brings tears to your eyes, that sunset that moves you, takes your breath away and satisfies every molecule of your being. I don’t “tolerate” you, I dance and celebrate you! I wish right now you could sink down into and bask in the warmth of knowing all that you are.

But you won’t believe this about yourself. Instead, you are seeking worth, love, acceptance, security, peace, worth and happiness out there in the world. So you live in fear.

You fear failure because you have a misplaced dependency upon “success” for value and worth. You fear rejection because you have a misplaced dependency upon others’ opinions and responses to you for acceptance. You fear financial loss because you have a misplaced dependency upon money for peace and security. You fear abandonment because you have a misplaced dependency upon others for love. You fear God because you have a misplaced dependency upon religion that measures your value against your performance. You fear aging or not having the perfect body because you have a misplaced dependency on physical appearance for worth and acceptance. You fear honesty because you have a misplaced dependency on an image of having it all together for a sense of identity. You fear being a nobody because you have a misplaced dependency upon being a somebody for a sense of purpose and meaning and value.

Listen to me. Even if you could achieve all those things, they would not satisfy or fill what you long for. Somewhere out there along the way in your drive to succeed, your game of image management and pleasing others, your dutiful religious obedience, your obsession with losing weight and being thin, and carrying that monkey on your back to be special and significant or at least not found out… somewhere out there along the way in all of that you are going to lose something invaluable… yourself.

Do you get that? You’ll lose you – the you I see right now… the beautiful you, the worthy you, the good you, the loved you, the extraordinary you. Do you see? Even if, by doing all those things, you gained the whole world, you would forfeit you.

I’m going to ask something of you that isn’t going to be easy because it’s going to require you to trust me. Right now you are carrying a story inside your head about yourself that isn’t true, and you’re going to spend your entire life forfeiting yourself and losing your life trying to fight or disprove that story. I’m asking you to start seeing you through my eyes. I’m asking you to be open to the possibility that there is nothing wrong with you and never was. That you have nothing to earn, nothing to prove or disprove, that you can bury that fictitious story, and start living the truth. They say the truth is always better than fiction. See that for yourself. That other story will kill you piece by piece until there’s nothing left. But living the truth of who you are is going to open up a life of possibilities you could have never dreamed and would have never achieved out there chasing the carrot of acceptance.

There’s nothing wrong with you. There is no obstacle to overcome here except yourself. You can do this! You can step into the real story of who you are. Part of the old story is that you can’t. Not true. I wouldn’t have asked if I knew you couldn’t. Sure, it’s going to be a process. You going to have good days and bad days. But then one of those days… somewhere out there along the everyday paths of life when you least expect it… it will sneak up on you and suddenly you will indeed see yourself through my eyes.

Then we’ll both dance.”

- Jesus, Luke 9:25, The Religion-Free Bible

Love you more

You see more than I show

And accept the full vision

Your breath has blown down the internal wall

Kindling the passion that sat waiting to be blown into flame

Your touch

Your kiss

They haunt my thoughts

I pause throughout my day to take a moment and soak in the memory

My heart fills once again

How can I ever let you know just how much I love you?

A quick text

But it's so trite compared to the actual feeling inside.

Another memory fills my mind

Poor choices made that hurt you

I am sorry

Again the words are trite compared to the feeling of guilt and sadness inside.

How could I be so selfish and immature?

I must make amends.

Stand and be true.

Let go of ridiculous habits that lead to hurt.

You are worth it.

My boys are worth it

And mostly I am worth it.

I let go of the guilt and shame and step into the light.

It will guide me and give me strength to find a new way.

Thank you for accepting me and loving me.

Again such trite words.

But they are true and full of gratitude.

I love you.

An afternoon in the park

Spent a little time exploring Haikey Creek park yesterday afternoon. A gorgeous day that called to me and I couldn't say no. Our skin soaked up the last of the warm sun as we played soccer on the fading green grass. I can feel the shift in weather coming. Part of me is sad, will miss the sun's warmth on my skin. But like all things, the cycle of life continues and the beauty of the fall leaves makes me gasp. Thank goodness Roland and I were able to talk Hayden into exploring the woods a little to take in the beautiful views. I learned a new trick for getting Hay on board for our treks through nature. He simply needs a mission. This day the mission was to gather red and yellow leaves (and of course to search for robots, but that's always a given). But that's all it took for him to let go and enjoy his surroundings. Hopefully it will work again next time too.

It's the little things...

‘… and she loved a boy very, very much– even more than she loved herself.’ 

~Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

It is Fall Break this week which means more time with the kids. I am amazed each day at the closeness I feel with both boys. They have reached a point of maturity that allows us to "hinge" together easily most days.

My own transformation has also been causing me to pause at the little moments we share and truly absorb the love that lives in our home.
Roland spent the night with his best friend last night so Hayden and I had the evening to ourselves.
It is so rare to get this one on one time anymore.
We had dinner with Linda and Roland. I love watching him tell his stories to other people and then watching him when I tell stories about him.. bragging on what a cool kid he is. He doesn't like that very much. But I can also see beneath the squirm that deep down he really loves it. That it's filling a deep hole inside of him.
After dinner we came home and made banana bread and hot cocoa from scratch.
While it cooked we did our nightly exercise routine together.
We laughed till we cried and my heart nearly exploded with joy.
He asked if he could sleep in my bed with me and of course I obliged.

We snuggled up and watched a few episodes of "how it's made" before drifting off to sleep.
The night was simple but the little details created a bond between us that will last.
The way he kept adjusting the ipad in bed to make sure I could see the screen.
How he scooted right next to me as we did our sit ups on the floor.
And how I didn't scoot up next to him when we went to sleep. He needs his space and I know it.
Listening to his cute little snore and watching him sleep for an hour before I drifted off myself.
Roland and I have had a pretty easy relationship the past few years. We seem to flow together and don't have to work so hard to be with each other.
But last night I saw that the same is true for Hayden. We are finding our way and it is such a beautiful thing.
I read this quote this morning...
"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice."
This is such a powerful reminder for me as I walk through my days.
I know how hard it is to remove an inner voice that is an echo from the past.

I want my words to my children to be full of truth, love and respect.
I know it's not going to happen 100% of the time but I'll do my best and apologize when I mess up.

I also ran across some parenting advice from Leo Babauta on the Zen Habits Blog. . I think it's worthy of repeating and it's the path I hope to take with my own children.

• Greet your child each morning with a smile, a hug, a loving Good Morning! This is how we would all like to be greeted each day.
• Teach your child to make her own breakfast. This starts for most children at around the age of 3 or 4. Teach them progressively to brush their teeth, bathe themselves, clean up their rooms, put away clothes, wash their dishes, make lunch, wash their own clothes, sweep and clean, etc.
• Teaching these skills takes patience. Kids suck at them at first, so you have to show them about a hundred times, but let them try it, correct them, and let them make mistakes. They will gradually learn independence as you will gradually have less work to do caring for them.
• Older children can help younger children — it’s good for them to learn responsibility, it helps the younger children learn from the older ones, and it takes some of the stress off you.
• Read to them often. It’s a wonderful way to bond, to educate, to explore imaginary worlds.
• Build forts with them. Play hide and seek. Shoot each other with Nerf dart guns. Have tea together. Squeeze lemons and make lemonade. Play, often, as play is the essence of childhood. Don’t try to force them to stop playing.
• When your child asks for your attention, grant it.
• Parents need alone time, though. Set certain traditions so that you’ll have time to work on your own, when your child can do things on her own.
• When your child is upset, put yourself in his shoes. Don’t just judge the behavior (yes, crying and screaming isn’t ideal), but the needs behind the behavior. Does he need a hug, or attention, or maybe he’s just tired?
• Model the behavior you want your child to learn. Don’t yell at the child because he was screaming. Don’t get angry at a child for losing his temper. Don’t get mad at a kid who wants to play video games all the time if you’re always on your laptop. Be calm, smile, be kind, go outdoors and be active.
• When a stressful time arises (and it will), learn to deal with it with a smile. Make a joke, turn it into a game, laugh … you’ll teach your child not to take things so seriously, and that life is to be enjoyed. Breathe, walk away if you’ve lost your temper, and come back when you can smile.
• Remember that your child is a gift. She won’t be a child for long, and so your time with her is fleeting. Every moment you can spend with her is a miracle, and you should savor it. Enjoy it to the fullest, and be grateful for that moment.
• Let your child share your interests. Bake cookies together. Sew together. Exercise together. Read together. Work on a website together. Write a blog together.
• Know that when you screw up as a parent, everything will be fine. Forgive yourself. Apologize. Learn from that screw up. In other words, model the behavior you’d like your child to learn whenever he screws up.
• Patiently teach your child the boundaries of behavior. There should be boundaries — what’s acceptable and what’s not. It’s not OK to do things that might harm yourself or others.
• We should treat each other with kindness and respect. Those aren’t things the child learns immediately, so have patience, but set the boundaries. Within those boundaries, allow lots of freedom.
• Give your child some space. Parents too often overschedule their child’s life, with classes and sports and play dates and music and clubs and the like, but it’s a constant source of stress for both child and parent to keep this schedule going. Let the child go outside and play. Free time is necessary. You don’t always have to be by her side either — she needs alone time just as much as you do.
• Exercise to cope with stress. A run in solitude is a lovely thing. Get a massage now and then.
• Take every opportunity to teach kindness and love. It’s the best lesson.
• Kiss your child goodnight. And give thanks for another amazing day with your beautiful, unique, crazy child.

Untangling the Web of Lies

This blog is my place to work things out in my head.. to ponder.. to let go and to breathe out the mental friction. It is my place to be real and share who I really am in hopes that my words will relate to another traveler of life and provide some hope or guidance for them. This is my place to stand and be true. I am struggling today. Finding the balance between frustration, hope, honest self-reflection, anger, love and peace. I am struggling with a difficult relationship in my life. I want to own my short comings and seek forgiveness for my actions that have hurt them, but I also am tired of feeling like I have to crawl on my knees to try to have a relationship with them. Really sick of that feeling actually. I know love is the way through. Love and forgiveness. I see the gift in the struggle as well. There are many things I can learn about myself.. pointing the way to fine tuning who I am and how I walk through life. I know I have been addicted to both relationships and drama in my past. It is easy to get sucked into them again. So tempting to mull over the broken conversation over and over again in my head. To tear myself apart for the words that hurt them (even though that was never my intention). So easy to tear them apart for not accepting my apology. So easy to fume at the fact that the past is standing like a wall between us... creating a filter of distrust and fear on both sides. So tempting to play he said/she said with a friend to hear those magic words "you didn't do anything wrong".  So easy to say "fuck you. I'm done." and tell myself I will wear a mask of fake kindness for the rest of my days around them. But those are all the easy roads. I tip toe down them and then see my reflection in the puddle of the path. No that is not me. I have to take the hard road instead. Eat my pride. Believe in something bigger. Raise my head and walk the path of love.

My dear friend Jim Palmer posted this the other day. Sometimes I feel like his words are speaking directly from my body.

     “The truth is hidden in a web of lies, and we are adding strands to that web every day,     shrouding the truth further. We have forgotten ourselves to be complete and whole as we are. We have become blinded to the abundance of love, peace and joy that is available in every moment. We don’t know that the air we are breathing contains what our hearts most deeply long for. Instead, we operate in inadequacy, fear, and scarcity. Every day is another episode of Survivor, another episode of the Hunger Games – the world is a dangerous place, people are a threat, someone has to lose in order for me to win… and hoping that with God on our side the odds will ever be in our favor.

This way we are living is broke. I hate to tell you that there is no magic wand or bullet for fixing it. God is not going to change this or rescue us from it. You and I wove this web of lies, and only you and I can undue it, and it’s not going to be undone all at once.Stop participating in the system that doesn’t work! Consider your purpose going forward to be weaving a new reality. Stop repaying evil with evil or insult with insult. In the current system, people tear down each other. We judge, condemn, reject, diminish, slander, gossip, punish, lie, cheat, steal, ignore, ridicule, withhold love and acceptance, and harbor all kinds of resentments against others. If you sow thoughts, words and actions to that monster, one day you are going to be swallowed whole by it.

So where does all this stop? With you! As far as you are concerned, that system is done… as in, gone, dead, finished! Game over! There’s a new kid in town and it’s you, weaving strands of love, peace, kindness, acceptance, generosity, acceptance, goodness, beauty, understanding, empathy, and encouragement. Realize that when others are thinking, speaking or acting in destructive, hurtful, ugly, selfish, and senseless ways it’s because they are lost to themselves and who they really are. So, if you respond in-kind to their way, you are only reinforcing the lie in them and yourself.

The foundation of the new way you are weaving is love. In any circumstance or with any person, you can find your way by asking the question: What does it mean right now for me to be love? Listen to your heart, trust your inner guidance – whatever the answer to that question is for you, weave that strand. And when you do, know that you just made the truth a little more possible, a little more visible, a little more present in our world. The reality is that we got ourselves into this mess. We can get ourselves out of it.”

I am taking Jim's advice and asking that very question. "What does it mean right now for me to be love? 

My heart says.. give it time and space... lots of space. You can't push this one. Trust that in time the wall of the past will fall. Don't give up hope. Don't add to the wall. Send love instead. See how badly they are hurting and send them love. Let go of the anger. Get it out. Scream in the car when no one is around. But direct the anger to the light. It is big enough and strong enough to burn through it with love. Stay true to what you know is the right path for you and be strong in it. You will get through this and love will win even if it just means that you know you have been true to yourself.

Hello darkness my old friend

The bathroom door opens.

A slight smile and eyes dart to the ground.

“Hey how are you?”

Without hesitation

“Good. How are you?”

The unmemorable answer fades as I walk away.

My heart hurts. But why.

“you lied, it says”

“But this isn’t the place for real conversation.”

“If not here, then where?”
“If not now, then when?”
“Maybe you wouldn’t dread this place if you were able to be real”

But honestly….
Do they really want to know?
Do I?

cold hard dirt
disguising layers of life
part of me wants you to peek in and look beneath the cracks
see more than I am willing to share..

the unbound joy
Piercing pain
Light
Dark
Love
Hate
Envy
Peace
Wisdom
Laziness

They are all there and I know they are inside of you too.
Why do we hide them from each other?
Why do we pretend we are fine when we are not?
What would the world look like if we were honest and real?

I know it’s idealistic.
But I’m tired of hiding.
I’m tired of pretending I have my shit together.
I’m also tired of containing the joy when it does fill my heart.

I am erratic.. a roller coaster.. an ocean tide of being.
It makes me feel crazy.
This week has been an epic week of said erraticism.

Darkness, my old friend, paid a visit and tried his best to hide every ounce of light and goodness I know. Felt like a migraine in my soul.
But love called me home and gave me a safe place to land.
Love whispered in my ear and told me “it’s not about the grand things Angie, it’s the little things. The little moments are where hope is born”
Those aren’t the exact words, but it’s what I received into my soul that lit my flame and helped me return to the land of the living.
I hate the dark.
Hate when it takes over me and I can only see misery and pain in this world.
But I know that sometimes we need a test to prove that we really believe our truths.
I no longer feel like a fool for believing in goodness and light.
But I do know that I can’t sum up my beliefs in simple one sentence quips.
Life is murkier than that.
I have to accept that.
Accept that the dark will not go away forever.
He will continue to pay me visits.. test my resolve
But having passed this latest test, I know full well he will have a more difficult time blinding my light in the future.
I am thankful for the dear ones in my life that pulled me up and shared a moment with me.
A sweet smile that shared her own struggle and let me be real about my own.
A loving text that reminded me to do something I love and reach out for help.
Warm arms that surrounded me and held me as long as I needed.
But mostly I’m thankful for the images of my sweet boys’ faces who pulled me back to reality when I needed it most.

I have always seen my life as a path that I had to walk. And with this imagery came the unrealistic idea that I would be able to “get past” things. That I would work through a challenge and then be past that obstacle. But I’m beginning to think of life in a different way. My friend Derek puts it best..
“Life is an ocean, not a path I think. Ebbs and flows. Changes of direction with the tides. Storms alter courses. You’ll find your way again as long as you keep searching for it.”

I see great truth in these words. I feel the ebbs and flows in my soul and it reminds me to just flow with it. The good days and the bad. To take note of the little moments that make my fire burn brighter and use them when darkness comes to visit again.


As I drove to work this morning Simon and Garfunkel's "the sound of silence” came on. A more appropriate song could not have played as I pondered these thoughts. I don’t know if they will speak to you as they do me. But for me it’s on repeat today reminding me to not stay silent. To reach out to the people around me and give support without fear.


Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walk alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools" said I,"You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, 'The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.