Celebration

I have no idea what we were trying to do.

I think we were just celebrating being alive.

Grace

sharing a moment under this beautiful tree with my son

This Dove Real Beauty Sketches video has gone viral.

As I've talked about before,

I agree wholeheartedly with their campaign

to show the real beauty of women.

And while I relate to the message that we are our own worst critic

 when it comes to seeing our physical beauty,

 the idea occurred to me that the same is true

 for how we see our spirits as well.

This weekend was tough on the parent front.

I was tired

impatient

frustrated with my children

ashamed of my parenting

and 

ready to throw in the towel

My youngest is overweight and has been for a few years.

 He developed unhealthy habits during the divorce

 to curb the emotional trauma he was feeling.

 We have been working with him on it in a very gentle way

 desperately trying to not impose any shame on him in the process.

This weekend I took the boys on the 5k Heart walk in Tulsa.

 It was supposed to be a fun activity for all of us.

 It was not. My son struggled like I've never seen him struggle physically.

 The last mile I was almost dragging him down the street to the finish line.

 The reality of the situation we are in hit me like a wall.I dropped the ball big time on this one. 

I know how hard it is to exercise when you are overweight and out of shape. 

I know how hard it was for me to get started with running or even walking.

 It is like climbing a mountain in a parka and snow boots in August.

 Without massive internal motivation I could have never done it.

 And to be honest I had to become my own drill sergeant

 to get going in those early days.

 But a drill sergeant is not what my child needs.

He needs loving encouragement and consistent follow through.

 I'm way way overwhelmed and afraid I don't have the schtuff inside of me

 to give him what he needs. And the shame I feel as a parent

 is so toxic and heavy it makes me want to scream (and give up).

 I see the judgment (and pity)

 in the eyes of other parents and it only adds to grief and frustration I feel.

That night I talked to Che and unloaded all of this ick I had been carrying around all day.

 He looked at me and said

 "the whole day wasn't bad. Right? Keep the good and let go of the rest".

 Truth and wisdom for sure. 

In my upsetness I had not focused on the good moments

 I had shared with the boys that day.

 Like that hour that we spent at Hunter park playing frisbee and climbing trees, 

or the impromptu tickle fights. 

I saw that in the same way the women in that video had only pointed out their flaws 

and given a skewed perspective of their issues,

 I was doing the same thing in how I was viewing myself as a parent.

 I began to ponder how other people would describe me 

and which of the two images would be more in line with the truth.

 In other words, it was time to give myself a little grace and accept my imperfections.

And the more I have thought about it

 the more I see that this is not a mountain to climb.

 It is just another bump in the road

 full of opportunities for growth for all of us.

 In fact I think the situation will bring our family closer

 than it's ever been if I approach in a loving and healthy way.

I'm thankful for

 challenges and bad days

 and amazing boyfriends that know just what to say.

But most of all I'm thankful for Grace.

Surrender

"Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.” 

Marianne Wiiliamson

These words are so true for me this week. Although I'm still battling physical ailments; I'm charging full ahead into life anyway.

Soaking up the little moments between with the boys. Like Roland calling out the full scientific names of hawks flying over riverside bridge or looking on as Hayden continues to explode with self confidence and joy. 

A new peace that I have never experienced before has found me. Even though the circumstances have not changed, I have changed. I can feel my way through trials with a sense of "it really is going to be ok" and I can feel the love that is being sent my way. 

New connections with old friends are sparking even more of my light. One I have known since middle school, another just a few years. But I had believed both of these beloved friends would remain distant though close to my heart. Opening those doors again with love, grace and complete acceptance filled me with a strength I never knew existed within me. I am grateful and honored. 

My love for Che grows daily. Letting go of fear and choosing to trust and embrace his love has softened me. It has blown open the windows and allowed a fresh breeze to blow into our space, fanning the flames once again. 

I feel alive

I feel strong

I feel loved

I feel peaceful

I feel Thankful