Ch ch ch changes

So, my head and heart are FULL with everything that’s happening in my world right now. It’s all SO GOOD. Here’s what’s up.

Learning: I stepped back into the PTI world last weekend. It was interesting being in a new to me role. Being the trigger vs. being the triggered. But then again it’s all the same thing and a giant cycle.

I choose to do my healing work at PTI because I see the immense benefit in the group setting. The clearing process is amazing and so beneficial. It provides an opportunity to do what we can’t do in our real lives….. to say “you pissed me off when you did X” and to get clear about our own role in that situation. It keeps hurt from being dusted under the rug and allows everyone to grow. I received a clearing with a new friend and I am so thankful she was honest about her feelings. The reason… “because she’s happy. It’s hard to be sad and upset around someone that is happy. And she played therapist instead of friend. I get the feeling she thinks she’s further along than me or better than me.”

I listened as she spoke about the feelings this brought up for her. And when asked outright if I felt that way, I had to answer honestly that yes I did have that shadow of superiority.

In that moment I realized that the superior (ego) shadow separates me from the connection I long for.

I want to love with grace each soul wherever they find themselves in the journey.

I want to find a balance between offering loving support and rescuing (aka playing the judge)

If I see a soul stuck on the path in the same way that I was stuck on the path several years ago, my knee jerk reaction is to offer advice. To say I’ve been there and show them the way.

But unless I am asked for that advice, I will show up with love instead.

It was also interesting being the vocal one in the group. When it came time to do our “work” and release the pent up feelings/words/physical frustrations I often found myself as the lone voice in doing so. It took me years to find my voice and anger that so desperately needed to be released in a healthy way. And I remember very well being terrified when I heard the people around me doing so. It often sent me into a fetal position wanting to run away from life FOREVER. But this time I heard the whimpers next to me as I screamed what needed to be screamed. It was difficult at times to stay present in my own journey and let go of fear about how it was affecting others. It was a gift to hear feedback later that my words were helpful to the people around me.

I am proud of myself for making the sacrifice to continue this journey…. To continue to grow and love myself.  Each time I learn something new that I can carry for the rest of my days.

Taking Care of Myself : the past few days I have been experiencing a lack of energy that is new to me. My lunchtime workouts have become a chore that I am pushing through. I wake exhausted after 8 hours of sleep and find myself drifting off during movies (that I really enjoy) or at stop lights. I have also gained a little weight even though my diet hasn’t changed much. I’m not sure what’s happening. But I’m listening deeply to my body. Choosing healthy whole foods, savoring meals so as not to eat beyond full and moving my body by following my heart. When I feel that drill sergeant yelling out orders to keep going Damn it. I tell him to back off, put up my step and walk into yoga class instead. My body desires movement, but sometimes that movement needs to be slow and kind.

Saying:  Hell YES comes to mind!! A few weeks ago my guy asked me to join him in the FOR REAL journey of life. I am awe struck by the grace and love we have found in our relationship. We pondered stealing away and saying our vows without telling a soul. But instead we have decided to make our commitment public so as to honor the feelings of our children and closest friends. We are planning to wed in the Red Rock Canyon near Las Vegas in April. We are writing our own vows and choosing to follow a journey that is unique to us. I am awed and honored to commit to this journey with Che. As difficult as our time apart was, it allowed us each to grow in ways that bring us closer now. It is amazing what can happen when two people choose to show up fully as themselves and trust in love and grace. We are not perfect by any means, but I believe we have what it takes to live a joyful and connected life together.

Moving:  The other huge change happening right now is in my residence. I found a house that I absolutely love in Sapulpa. It is built on a hillside with a backyard deck view of trees that makes me feel like I’m sitting in a cabin in Colorado. On the flip side, it is close to grocery stores and restaurants and similar in distance to the boys schools as my rental home now. The closing process is going smoothly and it looks like I’ll be moving the first weekend of March! The house is big enough that Che and his two younger boys will be able to join us as well. We have shared the news with all of the kids and everyone is excited about the shift happening in our lives. Two families becoming one. This is huge and it is awesome. I am so looking forward to cooking for a large family! We have a lot to figure out and transition will be the name of the game for months I am sure as we learn to all live together. But I am trusting and envisioning a peaceful home full of laughter, fun and love.

Watching: My favorite movie of late is the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Che and I saw it the first week we were back together. I was curled up (almost in his lap) the entire time and we kept looking at each other with giant smiles and “yes, that!!” looks. We laughed and of course, I cried. I am so inspired with stories of the human spirit choosing to open up and take risks. Hearts that choose adventure are awesome! I took the boys last weekend and we all enjoyed it. So thankful to be able to share an uplifting story with them. At home we have been watching Dr. Who episodes while we eat dinner. Hayden usually wanders off after we are done eating, but Roland and I almost always end up curled up under a blanket together entrenched in more episodes. I love these moments with him. He will be 12 soon and I am so so grateful that we have a relationship that still feels so close. I also love that we share a geeky sci-fi fascination.

Reading:  I am enjoying two books right now. Wild by Cheryl Strayed and A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks. Wild is about a woman who hikes the pacific crest trail alone on a mission to find herself. It sparks my inner gypsy and is just a great story about accepting yourself and finding your passion through following your heart. The Gay Hendricks book is a way to follow my word(s) of the year in bite size chunks. I love this statement for day one:

This year I commit to living consciously, and I commit to having fun as I do. I commit to expanding my consciousness and my capacity for fun every minute of this year.

It reminds me to never forget fun. In coming up with my words for the year I felt this pull to hold true to the growth I found last year. But as I wrote out that post, I remember feeling a bit forced or pushed as I did so. The words above are a good reminder to not just stay true to my commitments but to do so with joy and from love (not from fear of falling backwards)

Setting Goals: One of the big things for me right now is in creating the life I want to live. Yes I am grateful for all of the gifts in my life. I do however desire to find a more heart-centered working life. I have felt this way for years. I have an incredible job that provides well for me and the boys. But it is not my passion. I am choosing to seek out options and experiment with some side projects this year to get a better feel for what my heart-centered work might look like. I definitely felt a nudge during the Flora painting class to teach these concepts using my unique voice and perception. And even more, I feel a calling to do so with children. In the next couple of weeks I will be doing a little experiment with a dear friend and her daughter. We are going to paint and do a few letting go processes to work on perfectionism and allowing play into the creative process. I am scared to be honest. It is definitely an edge for me to take this on. But it’s also a baby step and the only pressure is self-induced. I will not run from this one. No matter the outcome I will learn and that’s always a good thing.

This is going to be a great year. I feel it. I know it.

So much love to whoever reads this long ramble today. I feel better getting it all out.

Conscious Commitment

In 2011 I began the practice of choosing a word to focus on for the year. Setting intentions and seeing them through has been a great way to stay focused on the growth and opportunity in my life.

 

Hope lit my way through 2011 and Letting go became the journey in 2012.

 

In 2013 I decided to learn the process of embracing. 2013 was a roller coaster year no doubt and learning to embrace each moment was an incredible exercise in growth. I learned to love all of the parts of myself. Blissful moments and heart wrenching grief filled moments were met with the same awe and sense of possibility. I grew from the embrace. That is for sure.

 

As I enter 2014 I feel a shift to two new words.

Conscious Commitment

conscious

: awake and able to understand what is happening around you

: acting with critical awareness

: aware of something

: knowing that something exists or is happening

: known or felt by yourself

: being concerned or interested

 

commitment

: a promise to do or give something

: a promise to be loyal to someone or something

: the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something

 

The Latin word for commitment is, committere, and means, “to gather your energy and move in a chosen direction.”  I want to do so with as much clarity and presence as possible.

 

 

In its simplest form Conscious Commitment means taking full responsibility for my life.

It is an energetic intention to stay present and grateful and choose to see the possibilities before me instead of feeling victimized by circumstances. It is about making brave bold choices to STAY when the shadow parts of me want to RUN.

Last year I experienced a deep shift when I read this excerpt from Gay Hendricks “Conscious Living” book.

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Whether you realize it or not, you are already demonstrating incredible power to create what you want—in fact, your current life is an example of the incredible power you possess to create, consciously or unconsciously. You might not like all that you have created. You might even refuse to accept that you have created your life through your choices and believe instead that it is something that has been “done to you.” It is true that you may not have consciously chosen many of the elements of your current life; nevertheless, it is your power that has manifested them. You were able to do this because of the power of commitment. The power of commitment has given you all the things that you now have. 

In the late 1970s, during an argument with my lover of five years, I suddenly realized that it was not our several-hundredth argument. It was our several-hundredth run-through of the same argument. A light bulb came on and a moment of awareness shined down upon me, and I clearly saw that our arguments always followed the same pattern of misery-producing moves. I stepped back from the process and wondered, “Why would I engage in a pattern like this? Given all the experiences I could be having as a human being, why do I keep repeating the pattern of lying and being lied to, being criticized and criticizing, blaming and being blamed, thinking of myself as a victim?” Then, in a rush of eye-opening realization, I got the answer: These things kept happening because I was committed to being criticized, committed to being betrayed, committed to arguing and lying. I was more committed to them than I was to being close. If I was lonely, it was because I was more committed to being lonely than I was to being connected. The moment I realized what my commitment was, I felt a shift. I did not like this idea very much when I first realized it—in fact, it actually made me angry—but I soon discovered that I was surrounded by the results of my real commitments, and that the circumstances of my life were direct evidence of my real commitments. 

It is important not to overestimate the level of your responsibility for the circumstances of your life. Although the present circumstances of your life are direct evidence of your real commitments, you certainly did not cause the situations of your birth, diseases such as cancer or heart disease, or the global conditions of war and poverty. Taking responsibility for the present circumstances of your life in the sense I am using it can never be assigned, it can only be claimed, and the reason it is claimed is that taking responsibility for the circumstances of your life is the key to creating what you really want. Once you take responsibility for the circumstances of your life, you also release the energy you have tied up in old commitments of blame and resentment to fuel your commitment to a new kind of relationship. 

Take a moment now to experience what it might be like to claim full responsibility for the circumstances of your life. For just a moment, imagine that if you are unlucky in love, it is because on some level (usually unconscious) you are committed to being unlucky in love. If you are overweight, it is because you are more committed to being overweight than you are to being slender. If you are unhappy with your job, it is because you are more committed to being unhappy in your job than you are to searching for a job that makes you happy. 

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After reading this my eyes were opened to a truth deep inside of me. I became aware of the unconscious commitments I had made to suffering. At first I felt angry and denied the words I was reading “Ridiculous!!! How dare you say I want to feel like this” and then as I got really honest with myself the truth rose up. It was easier to suffer, because then I didn’t have to risk anything. I  am not disappointed if I expect to suffer.

This year I want to begin the journey to conscious commitment. I want to practice showing up with more awareness and stop running. I no longer want to sit back and accept the suffering and numbness I have manifested in my life. I want to focus on the amazing blessings that surround me instead.  I am the creator of my life and the way I experience it is a choice.

 

I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances in my life and I commit to supporting others in taking full responsibility for their lives. I release blaming others and playing the role of victim, villain or hero. I am 100% responsible for what’s occurring in my life.

 

I commit to an attitude of curiosity and opportunity when dealing with relationships that push my edges. I use difficulties to learn and grow in self-awareness.

 

I commit to honesty in communication. I speak the truth with love and take care of myself so that others can express themselves with candor.

 

I commit to acknowledging my feelings and setting boundaries when needed. I express and allow them in healthy ways without covering the uncomfortable spaces with addictive or numbing behaviors. I commit to feeling my feelings all the way through to completion. As they rise, I locate them in my body. Then I breathe, move and vocalize them so they release all the way through. I releaseresisting, judging and apologizing for my feelings, as well as making them someone else’s fault. I release withholding, avoiding, and repressing them, contracting into fear and isolation.

 

I commit to possibility and abundance. I live from the belief that I have enough of everything—including time, money, love, energy, space and resources

 

I commit to creating my own safety, happiness, love and approval. I release the idea that others are responsible for these feelings.

 

I commit to seeing all points of view as truth. The opposite of my understanding is as true as my own.

 

I commit to gratitude... giving and receiving it lavishly.

 

I commit to STAY in the moment. In each breath. In bliss, pain, joy, connection, laughter or discomfort. I will stay.