You wonder why...

The same scenario plays out over and over..

A whispered "I love you"
Followed by "why"

That why used to make me flinch inside

Feel like I had to prove my love

Now I see its just your way.. Probably your kid poking at me trying to get a reaction

Or maybe you really wonder why

I don't know and it doesn't matter

What matters is that you know

You really know how much you mean to me

It's not the things you do

It's not the things you don't do

It's just you

And me

And together we create a beautiful mysterious light that no one can deny

I think the key is that we each found our own lights first

But together they are like mirrors bouncing off of each other creating an infinite reflection of acceptance and grace

What a gift

Thank you

Thank you for all the sacrifices you
made to get to me

Thank you for being true to the man you knew you could be

Thank you for growing with me this past year and showing me how good things could be

And thank you for making me soup. It's a little thing that meant so much to me.

I love you baby.

We did it!

This past Sunday I finished my first half marathon. It's funny I've been training for it so long now, that I can't remember when I wasn't in training mode. But it's done and I surpassed my spoken goal and even accomplished my secret "I hope I can really do this goal". I ran the whole thing.

I honestly think the hike with Che at Devil's den the week before is what allowed me to push that edge and finish where I wanted. It built new muscles and showed me I'm stronger mentally than I believed before. It's interesting to me how much running is truly a mental exercise. At the Tulsa Run I completed 9 miles and I was so ready to be done when I saw that finish line. But at this race I looked down and noticed I was almost to 12 miles before I hit a wall. I kept playing a little game with myself along the way telling myself I was going for 26.2 so when I got to 13 I was really only half way done. I don't know if it worked or not. But I made it and that's what matters. I am so grateful to my friends Courtney and Claudia for training with me on so many lunches and becoming great friends along the way.i believe those connections are what gave me the strength and accountability to make the goal as well.

The other thing I've noticed and appreciate about the sport is how encouraging runners are to each other. Out on the races we cheer each other on.We smile, joke and help each other to the finish. It has created an inner cheerleader that I find I am using more and more often in all kinds of situations. On the big hike with Che I found myself saying aloud "we can do this." "We're gonna kill this mile" "let's do this". And when I'm having a hard day at work or with the boys, the same voice is showing up. It's a welcome replacement to the critical slave driver I've had for so many years.

So now I'm pondering whether I'm ready to make the plunge and go for the full marathon. My heart and spirit say "yes!!!" And my body is saying "hmmm... Maybe" All I know is that I was a little sad when the marathoners took off on their own path at the race on Sunday. We had shared the road the first 13.1 and when I was pulling in to the finish they still had the same distance to go again. I watched them go.. Shouted a few good lucks and told myself that would be me soon.

Light

I keep my eyes fixed on the sun.

Even on a cloudy day.....

Things I learned hiking 16 miles in the Ozark Mountains with 40 pounds on my back

This weekend Che and I hiked the Butterfield trail through Devil’s Den State Park and the Ozark National Forest. It was our first trip taking packs to carry enough gear to stop overnight and camp. The trip tested our endurance to be sure and taught me so many lessons.

Buy good equipment. Period. New technology is lighter and more efficient and way worth the cost

Don’t take more than you NEED! Leave the makeup at home. You’ll never miss it.

Beef Jerky, Almonds and Craisins are super yummy and give tons of energy (The Freeze Dried meals aren’t bad either)
I have a survivalist buried deep in my psyche. She had a blast proving how tough and wise she could be. She can’t wait to show off her new firewood splitting skills to the boys someday.

I also have a scared little girl buried too. Of course I already knew about her, but had to remind myself many times to take care of her and not push her too hard.

Che and I make a great team and I know without an inkling of a doubt he has my back, always. We have an amazing ability to divide and conquer and come back together again. Even through some crazy stressful moments, our love and respect for each other never faltered. We hinge so well together.

Finding the balance between using willpower to get through a rough patch of road and pushing too hard is difficult to find. Pacing and breaks are necessary, not luxuries.

Comfortable silence is one of the greatest gifts of love.

Dryer lint makes amazing fire tender. I will bring it with me on every hike now.

Clean mountain air and crisp cool spring water are gifts that I take for granted in the city.

Walking through trees is my favorite form of meditation right now. Steady steps and breath lead me along the path. The sounds of leaves crunching beneath my feet, drown out the racing thoughts. And thoughts of gratitude are light enough to rise to the surface.

The smell of burning cedar is intoxicating.

When you’re traveling five miles in the rain with mud caked to your boots, hands frozen like ice and a pack drilling into your shoulder and hips like a dull knife blade, cuss and laugh. They both help. But if you tell the fucking birds to shut up and stop being so chipper, they will only sing louder. Che tested that one out and it sent me into hysterics.

Respect and honor Mother Nature for the gift and terror that she is, for she is truly both.

Pause and take in the beauty that is around you. Even though we spent over 24 hours in the woods, I still wish I had done this more.

Gratitude is the way through…. It raises our mood, lifts our spirits and gives us energy to get through the current and future trials.

I am beyond grateful for this adventure….

For this beautiful park to explore

For the park rangers that created the trail that kept us safe in an inhospitable place

For the fellow hikers we met along the way

For the water in the creek bed

For the cedar trees that provided shelter and energy for our fire

For the rocks that provided boundary for our fire (I found myself chanting sweat lodge words.. thank you grandmother, grandfather as I placed them around the fire pit)

For warm food and hot tea on a chilly morning

For the rivers and roads that provided boundary for our wanderings

For the blue diamonds showing us the way (I even kissed one when we found it after getting off the path)

For Che – so many things I love and adore about you. You alone are a gift and I will do my best to never take you for granted. Thank you for walking along side me, for looking in my eyes when I was scared and telling me you loved me, for making shelter that kept us safe, for making me stop and rest, for leading us along the path and for making me laugh when we needed it most. I love you.