Reflecting

It's my last night Chicago. Crashed after class and had deep intense dreams. Decided to go out for a run anyway even though it was late and I'm so glad I did. Sunset along the lake and now I sit on the pier.. Just me the giant moon, the waves and the skyline of Chicago sitting in the background, like a perfect painting backdrop.

This week has been soul expanding. I have made a few connections that I hope continue once I leave this city, but mostly I have spent the time wandering on my own. My gypsy spirit has loved the freedom but my heart is longing for connection again.

It bothers me that our society has such a deep sexual undercurrent. I know it is just how we are made, it's in our DNA and I don't deny that it runs in my veins as well. But it makes trips like this difficult. All I want is to meet some fun and safe people and talk about life and have a few beers. But more times than not I can sense that undercurrent happening in the conversation and in order to be true to what I believe and the man I love I have to cut off the connection and leave. It is a worthy sacrifice but the scenario saddens me. I understand why people have a "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" mentality when they travel. But I honor the part of me that sees the bigger picture and ultimately it's an easy choice to make.

So tonight it's just me and poppy hanging out on the pier taking it all in. Sending love out to everyone back home that we miss so much. Poppy keeps eyeing the ferris wheel and I think she deserves a ride.

This week has shown me that I CAN be alone. I am perfectly capable and can even enjoy the freedom and space it brings. But it's very clear that I am a soul that longs to connect with other souls. And I truly believe that it is a good thing. I feel healthier (in every aspect of my life) now than I have ever been.

I'm proud to be here.. Worked my ass off to get here and there's no going back. Who knows what the rest of the journey will look like for me and my inner girls, but for the first time I feel like I have the ability to take on anything. The future is waiting and I can't wait to go play.

Acceptance of the Dark

“The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ -- all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself -- that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness -- that I myself am the enemy who must be loved -- what then? As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long-suffering; we say to the brother within us "Raca," and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide it from the world; we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves.”― C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections


I ran across this quote on my friend Jim Palmer's Facebook page. He was there for me as I struggled through letting go of religion and stepping into my own truth about God and light. The quote above is exactly why I chose to walk away from the black and white version of God that I was raised with.

I remember being taught that I was a miserable and rotten soul but because of Jesus sacrifice I had been saved and redeemed. The whole thing never made sense to me after I had children. This idea that God would hate his creation.. Be disgusted by it until it was purified by sacrifice. I love my children more than words can describe and while I get frustrated with them when they misbehave, I never despise or hate them.

I remember having coffee with a very close friend when I was on the edge of walking away from my roots. I told her I just couldn't believe in a God that said he loved me but would be willing to burn me in hell for eternity if I didn't say the right words or behave in a certain manner. That it just didn't settle in my soul that that was the correct view of God. She said very simply "Angie that's judgment. It's just the way it is." I could no longer walk through life with that belief. It did not settle in my soul and I knew it. I told her so and she told me that we could no longer be friends. She told me I was too dangerous for her because I made her question everything. Of course I was offended, hurt, sad and angry but I let that relationship go. It still saddens me today the hole that was left from her parting.

But one thing is clear. I have to be true to my heart or I cannot function. It's just how I'm made. I know some can gloss over the stuff that doesn't make sense and continue their paths willy nilly. But I can't. I wrestle within myself until I feel clear and at peace.

All that to say that the quote above reinforced another truth for me today. I believe most people are harder on themselves than anyone else. Last week when the shame cloud hovered over me I thought a ton about this and had a few talks with Che about it too.

I asked "Why am I so hard on myself? If people around me screw up I'm usually full of grace and can see that they are just human. I look to the underlying hurt in them that caused the behavior. I don't excuse it or say it's ok but I understand it... And I am quick to forgive and let go of the action. But when I screw up myself I feel the need to lash my back and beat the living pulp out of my soul. I struggle to let it go for fear the monster inside of me will take over."

Che answered with something I believe to be very true. "We are our own worst critics and we can't keep secrets from ourselves."

I agree completely and it's why I believe the cure to shame is love and light. I have learned the cure is to admit to myself and others exactly what I don't want to admit without excuse. When light is shined on the deepest darkest corners and acceptance and forgiveness is received in return, an amazing healing energy takes place. It is miraculous. I believe it is the true message of Christianity.. of grace... Acceptance and forgiveness of the human condition. It is not an open call for egregious behavior, but instead a call to love. Because when that grace takes hold we are released from the addictions and shame and motivated to spread love and do good things in the world. Of course there are always repercussions from our unhealthy and hurtful choices. There is always healthy guilt and I believe strongly in making amends for our discretions. But I am done with the self flagellation.

So true...

I would like my life to be a statement of love and compassion and where it isn't, that's where my work lies.

Ram Dass

Illusion of Alone

self-portrait - Chicago 2011

I am struggling with this lately... this feeling that I am alone in the world. I am well aware that it is merely an illusion but the feeling is so strong it is overtaking me and sending me into a spiral of sadness.

What is interesting to me is that before the big shift in my life... back when I was married... I remember craving alone time. I couldn't get enough. I wanted to lock myself away in my art room in complete solitude as much as possible. It felt safe, it felt like an escape, an oasis of me time.

These days things are different. Yes I still need time for myself but there is a new desire that runs through my veins. A desire to connect. To look into another soul's eyes and see that thing that makes us all the same. The desire to just feel the energy coming off of another human's skin. To lose myself in the power of touch and then lay on my lovers chest and hear their heart beat. 

In many ways it feels as though the shift in my life brought about an awakening of my true extrovert nature. But I wonder is that the case or is this new struggle just an over correction of the past? I don't know. I try to figure it out, but in the end I know I just need to deal with what's here. To be in the now and take care of myself.

I am headed to Chicago next week for business. I will be in classes during the day but have loads of free time in the evening. In the past I've usually had a friend who could tag along on these trips with me. This time life didn't work out that way. I have already been struggling with the distance that life seems to keep throwing at Che and me and adding another week doesn't sound like any fun. So I've been internally pouting about the whole thing and feeling blah and depressed about it.

This morning I decided it was time to talk to Poppy and see how she was doing. She was pretty sad and blah herself. She feels alone and not wanted... leftover hurts that I still struggle to overcome. Oh how I wish I could wipe that pain away with magic words and internal hugs. But I can't. I just have to keep showing up every day and taking care of her. Giving her the love and affection she needed so long ago. I have to stop looking outside myself for it.  I am the only one who can do it. So that's what I did. I hugged her. Told her I love her and that I am so glad she's in my life. That I want her around because she gives me my zest for life. And then I had a thought that shifted my perspective on Chicago.

I'm not going alone... I'm going with Poppy. And we're going to have a blast. We're going to have a grand adventure together. We're going to see old friends and make new ones. We're going to shoot pictures, look at art, run by the lake, wander the streets of downtown, listen to live music, dance the night away and enjoy all kinds of new foods and drinks we wouldn't normally get to try. Of course I will stay in charge and keep us from danger but I'm going to let her play as much as possible.

I really do love you poppy. You're such a cute little thing and I can't wait to see what's in store for us next week.

One

It’s funny how life can change in an instant… how small decisions
often lead to new paths in life. It was a year ago today that I sent a
random “hey, how’s it going?” to a cute guy on OKcupid. Within a few
exchanges it was clear he was different than the others. We took our
time getting to know each other, a slow start that created a strong
foundation for what has been the healthiest relationship of my life.

I look back at the girl I was when I met him and don’t even recognize
myself. Physically, emotionally, spiritually I am different. And he
has gently walked alongside me through it all… the self-doubt, the
joy, the pain, the adventures, and the self-discovery. He has shown me
how to let go of so many things... to just be with whatever life
brings and not to fight it. To let go of the past, to let go of holding onto a future that no one can promise and to make the most out of right now.. this very breath. I cannot thank him enough for taking the journey with me… for allowing me to be who I am and loving me through it all. He is a gift that I finally feel worthy of receiving.

I started a little online project a few days ago called Project 137.
It’s all about living for today and behaving as though Dec. 31, 2012
could be our last day on earth. What would we do different if that was
the case? Anyway, the assignment yesterday was to think of someone
that we love dearly and make a list of reasons why we love them. Of
course my boys came up first and I have written their lists as well,
but with the anniversary of our meeting so close I chose to do the
same with Che. Here is what poured out of my heart.


He accepts me just as I am.
He sacrifices daily for his kids.
He sends me “love you baby” texts throughout the day whenever he is
thinking of me.
He is an artist.. always pushing the limits to create what his mind invents.
He loves music and has a way of finding the perfect lyrics.
His eyes.. the way they pierce into my own and look at the deepest part of me.
He sees and hears more than my words can express.
He is almost always calm and collected.
He lets go of the little things that tie other people in knots.
He doesn’t care about my past and loves me for who I am now.
He writes me stories.
He is all about sacrifice and would give up anything to give his boys
what they need.
He understands and shares my compulsion for photography.
He shares my belief in inner personalities and takes care of his own.
He works hard to improve himself but knows to how to enjoy life as he is now.
He makes me laugh.
He is incredibly sexy.
He is talented in so many ways but humble.
He sees beauty everywhere and has a gift of sharing it with people.
He knows how I tick and loves to make me feel good.
He allows himself to receive from me even though it goes against his nature.
He is patient.
He works hard to not be your “average guy”
He takes the hard road in order to be a better man.
He knows how to play.
He loosens me up when I am way too serious.
He loves nature and shares my belief in the power of the earth to
comfort and heal.
And lastly
Because my heart feels safe in his heart.

Weekend in Photos

Had a great weekend.. camera in hand most of it. 

Evening Shoot at the Mayo Rooftop Bar with the Urban Photography Meetup Group

Lazy Saturday morning napping in the hammock

Amazing Hike with Che at Sparrowhawk Trail in Tahlequah

Fun lunch in a cute diner right as the storm blew in

Stopped at a few abandoned spots in Locust Grove

love this cute robot face

All in all a great weekend doing my favorite things with my favorite guy.

Half Marathon

I started training for the Route 66 half marathon two weeks ago.

I’m a bit nervous but I know I can do it.

My goal is to finish, plain and simple.

I’d love it if I could pull off running the entire thing,

but I’m being realistic and setting a goal I know I can achieve.

Last night I met the first of many upcoming training goals….

7 miles straight running.

I was slow,

but I felt great,

especially after hiking with Che

for 4 miles earlier in the day.

The best part was retracing my steps over the section

of the creek running trail that I first learned to run on.

I remembered starting out

with my Couch to 5k program,

run 30 seconds, walk 2 minutes…

It reminded me how far I’ve come

and how calm and peaceful I feel

being strong in my body now.

Good times indeed.

Taking another look

"Every good thought, every good word, every good emotion, and every act of kindness, is lifting the vibration of your being to new heights. And as you begin to raise your vibration, a new life and a new world will reveal itself to you."- Rhonda Byrne

The past 24 hours I have been stuck in a very old and familiar place. Shame.

It started with a simple but familiar trigger and spun out of control before I could get my grounding.

I tried every tool in my "pti-Jung" playbook. Took time for myself, talked to little poppy, asked for help from healthy adult, reached out to a few friends, took a long bath, picked up a pen and paper and attempted to write, more breathing, etc. Tears and more tears. The inner parts of me began to divide. My little poppy just wanted to climb in a hole and sleep forever, the tween was angry and wanted retribution against the trigger, the teenager wanted to get very drunk and skinny dip away the feelings, and the current me just felt lost and alone.

I heard a voice tell me to go back to the old benchmark pool and watch the clouds in the sky for some peace and clarity. So I threw on my suit and headed over there. Staring up in the sky with tears in my eyes all I can see is a giant question mark. The absurdity made me literally laugh out loud. Alone on the side of the pool crying my eyes out about what???? I couldn't even tell you. Just that I felt like a failure in every imaginable way. I could see nothing good in me.. Only darkness and seriously thought I might be one short stop from the crazy house.

But one thought of clarity did make it's way to the surface.... A question really..

"why so serious? Is it really that bad?"

I realized that the incident that triggered this plunge into the depths of my darkness came from a common situation. Where I'm doing my thing and then wham someone tells me I am doing something horribly wrong. And that it is so wrong they can longer be in my presence or have anything to do with me." the common pieces are

1 - I'm unaware of the egregious behavior

2 - I'm isolated and punished as a result

Of course the incident that happened yesterday was minor in the grand scheme of things. Annoying, frustrating, sad but time will heal the problem and I'll get through it.

But it is always so interesting and perplexing to me how a minor incident in the present can trigger up the volcanic feelings from the past that I thought were healed and released.

So.. Given the new realization I packed myself up and headed to Che's. I needed touch. I needed a friend. I needed someone to look at me and tell me to lighten up and that I'd be ok. I needed some ice down the back of my shirt.

I have been floating through the aftermath today as well. Poppy is still very much up and on the surface. We're spending lots of time talking and getting feelings out. I'm doing my best to play with her, to help her release her anger and fear and mostly I'm reassuring her that no matter what happens on the outside, inside I love her very much and will never leave her.

So we float through the sadness and then I show her another perspective, that we can use everything to push through and find our own joy, our own happiness. That is the ultimate gift of life, realizing that no person or situation can take away our happiness and peace. Only we can take it away from ourselves. And I refuse to do so.

No I choose to be thankful instead. I am thankful for the gifts and challenges in my life. Somedays it does feel crazy, like a big question mark in the sky, but that's ok. It's all part of the journey.

I know it too well

You know that feeling?

When you’re just waiting.

Waiting to get home,

Into your room, close the door,

fall into bed,

And just let everything out

That you kept in all day.

That feeling of both

Relief and desperation.

Nothing is wrong.

But nothing is right either.

And you’re tired.

Tired of everything,

Tired of nothing.

And you just want someone

To be there

And tell you it’s okay.

But no one’s going to be there.

And you know you

have to be strong

For yourself,

because no one can fix you.

But you’re tired of waiting.

Tired of having to be the one

To fix yourself and everyone else.

Tired of being strong.

And for once,

you just want it to be easy.

To be simple.

To be helped.

To be saved.

But you know you won’t be.

But you’re still hoping.

And you’re still wishing.

And you’re still staying strong

and fighting,

with tears in your eyes.

You’re fighting.

Exactly

Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it,

as a young seed must feel

the weight and inertia of the earth

as it seeks to break out of its shell

on its way to becoming a plant.

Often the feeling is anything but pleasant.

But what is most unpleasant

is the not knowing what is happening.

Those long periods when something inside ourselves

seems to be waiting,

holding its breath,

unsure about what the next step should be,

eventually become the periods we wait for,

for it is in those periods

that we realize

that we are being prepared

for the next phase of our life

and that, in all probability,

a new level of the personality

is about to be revealed....

Alice Walker

Queen Bee

Heard this song today and made me think of my great friend Joy. She is loads of fun and has such a free and loving spirit. A few weeks ago she sang this to me while we were driving around downtown Tulsa. She knew every word from heart. Ah what a great memory. 
This weekend we are headed out on a little adventure that is sure to push me beyond my comfort zone. We are headed to Oaklake Trails Naturist park. I need the downtime in ways I can't describe... time to lay in the sun, float in the water, watch the stars at night and most importantly play play play.  

Landslide

This song has always resonated deep inside of me.

It’s one of those that when I hear it, I can’t help but stop what I’m doing and listen deeply.

My life is changing.

The abundance (of both connection and peace) is flooding in and to be honest it’s a little overwhelming.

I am not complaining, not in the least.

I am riding the tide and seeing where it brings me.

But I do wonder… “can the child in my heart rise above?”

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Can she take the blessings and let go of the fear?

Can she resist the urge to seek drama and friction?

Can she rest in the abundance?

I believe she can.

I tell her every day that she is worth every single ounce of it.

And I think just maybe she’s starting to believe it…



Fleetwood Mac Landslide

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm Mmm... I don’t know..

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
I'm getting older too

So, take my love, take it down
Oh climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down

And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down
Oh oh, the landslide will bring it down