Illusion of Alone

self-portrait - Chicago 2011

I am struggling with this lately... this feeling that I am alone in the world. I am well aware that it is merely an illusion but the feeling is so strong it is overtaking me and sending me into a spiral of sadness.

What is interesting to me is that before the big shift in my life... back when I was married... I remember craving alone time. I couldn't get enough. I wanted to lock myself away in my art room in complete solitude as much as possible. It felt safe, it felt like an escape, an oasis of me time.

These days things are different. Yes I still need time for myself but there is a new desire that runs through my veins. A desire to connect. To look into another soul's eyes and see that thing that makes us all the same. The desire to just feel the energy coming off of another human's skin. To lose myself in the power of touch and then lay on my lovers chest and hear their heart beat. 

In many ways it feels as though the shift in my life brought about an awakening of my true extrovert nature. But I wonder is that the case or is this new struggle just an over correction of the past? I don't know. I try to figure it out, but in the end I know I just need to deal with what's here. To be in the now and take care of myself.

I am headed to Chicago next week for business. I will be in classes during the day but have loads of free time in the evening. In the past I've usually had a friend who could tag along on these trips with me. This time life didn't work out that way. I have already been struggling with the distance that life seems to keep throwing at Che and me and adding another week doesn't sound like any fun. So I've been internally pouting about the whole thing and feeling blah and depressed about it.

This morning I decided it was time to talk to Poppy and see how she was doing. She was pretty sad and blah herself. She feels alone and not wanted... leftover hurts that I still struggle to overcome. Oh how I wish I could wipe that pain away with magic words and internal hugs. But I can't. I just have to keep showing up every day and taking care of her. Giving her the love and affection she needed so long ago. I have to stop looking outside myself for it.  I am the only one who can do it. So that's what I did. I hugged her. Told her I love her and that I am so glad she's in my life. That I want her around because she gives me my zest for life. And then I had a thought that shifted my perspective on Chicago.

I'm not going alone... I'm going with Poppy. And we're going to have a blast. We're going to have a grand adventure together. We're going to see old friends and make new ones. We're going to shoot pictures, look at art, run by the lake, wander the streets of downtown, listen to live music, dance the night away and enjoy all kinds of new foods and drinks we wouldn't normally get to try. Of course I will stay in charge and keep us from danger but I'm going to let her play as much as possible.

I really do love you poppy. You're such a cute little thing and I can't wait to see what's in store for us next week.