Letting Go

New Print available here - quote by Jen Gray

Day 5 of the Reverb10 project

December 5 Let Go
  What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

 Things I have let go of this year:

• I have let go of putting a smile on my face when I'm hurting deeply
• I have let go of being a Super Mom that throws over the top Perfect Birthday Parties
• I have let go of tight control on $. I still have a budget but I allow myself luxuries once in awhile.
• I have let go of being the perfect friend. This is a hard one. I made a lot of mistakes and learned many life lessons because of it.
• I have let go of losing weight. I read "Women, Food and God" and realized that my approach to losing weight and being "healthy" were not healthy at all. I am still reading this book and being gentle with myself about this issue. I know I will get there when the time is right.
• I have let go of fear and more fear :
• Fear of sharing myself – the real me
• Fear of putting my art out into the world
• Fear of calling myself an artist
• Fear of my past - Instead of hiding from my broken pieces, I am embracing them and looking them straight in the eye with a heart full of love.
• Fear of not having enough "_____" (money, time, space, energy) still working on this one and probably will be my whole life
• I have let go of being "little miss perfect". This is one of those broken pieces I found this year. She served me well and got me to where I am in life, but it's time to have a little fun and let her rest for a bit.
• I have let go of the idea that it's BAD to be angry. It's totally ok. There is a time, place and method for releasing anger that does not harm other people.
• I have let go of a LOT of judgment. This will also be a lifelong process but a major release has happened in this area of my life this year. I am embracing the idea that "All judgment is self-judgment". I have followed that rabbit trail and it led me right back to myself. It's a difficult but necessary part of my journey and goes hand in hand with forgiveness.
• I have let go of "being nice" at the expense of my own desires and NEEDS. I learned to really think about what I need and ask for it.
• I have let go of the idea that my emotions should be on an even plane. That is not the way life works and as a person who FEELS things very deeply, it's absurd to think I could ever live that way. I'm going to have UP days and DOWN days and they are all ok.
•  

365 Photo Project Update

Here are the pics from this week

 

12-2-10 family game night

 

12-3-10 Orange Leaf

12-4-10 New Wimpy Kid Book

12-5-10 Boys being Boys

12-6-10 Paper Whites (kind of creepy)

12-7-10 Family Art Night

Wonder

Day 4 of the Reverb10 project

I am taking my time with these questions and not pushing myself to answer and blog each day. I think it's important for me to sit with each one until the answer comes. 

December 4 Wonder

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

 (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

The biggest way I cultivated a sense of wonder this year was through photography. It makes me slow down and really notice where I'm at. It allows me to see all of the little details that create this magnificent world we live in.

 I can picture myself walking through the streets of Las Vegas this past spring. I was like a kid in a candy store. There was so much to see. I remember taking pictures of a sweet little flower bed outside of one of the hotels. The girls I was with kept telling me I'd seen nothing yet. They were taking me to the Bellagio and they knew I would love it. But at that moment, this little flower bed still held my attention and was worthy of another photo.

  As we went on our journey I was mesmerized at each new location – the Luxor, the MGM grand, M&M World, the Coke Store, New York New York, and the Paris Hotel.  I thought I'd seen a little piece of heaven when we walked into the M&M rainbow wall room – such organization and color – I loved it. I kept apologizing for slowing us down and taking so many pics. My friends kept saying "don't worry about it. Enjoy it!

 We dined at the super cool Hard Rock Café and as we stepped out in the darkness I was awestruck again. The Bellagio fountains had just started dancing to the music. We paused to watch that lovely show and then headed into the Bellagio. I literally stopped and could not move. The smell and colors overtook me. I'd never seen anything like it. I truly felt like I was walking through a storybook.

 I had so much fun with the settings on my camera, playing with depth of field and all the cool techniques I had been learning in photography class. I found a section full of poppies and shot them from every angle possible. I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

This experience taught me that I don't need to apologize for my paparazzi ways. They are a hard fought gift and they make me who I am. Yes I know I look like a tourist even in my own hometown, but that's the way I like it.

I also love teaching this skill of "wonder" to my children. After we put up the Christmas tree this year, I asked the boys to turn off all the lights in the house and sit with me on the couch. It only lasted a few minutes, but it was powerful. Hayden looked at the tree, looked at me and said "mommy it's so beautiful. I love Christmas". The wonder and peace in his eyes made me tear up. I thanked God that I was able to experience that moment.

In the Moment

Day 3 of the Reverb10 project

December 3 Moment.

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year.

 Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

(Author: Ali Edwards)

This was a hard one for me. I tried to think back through my experiences this year and I couldn't think of anything off the top of my head where I really felt ALIVE. I started looking through my 365 photos and several events came to mind. But when I tried to go back and remember how I felt, I noticed that the memories are numb. I can remember the details - the where, why, what, how, etc. But there are only blurs and wisps of emotional memories. This is one of my odd quirks. I have a certain emotional threshold and when it is surpassed, my emotional mind shuts off and I go numb. It happens in the "I never want to forget this times" and it happens in the "I'm so glad I'm going to forget all about this" times. The upside to this quirk is that I can watch the same movie 3 or 4 times and forget how it ends. Justin is always bewildered that I can't remember. 

However, one event in my memory kept coming up for me today. Maybe it's because it wasn't an overwhelming emotional moment, it was just a calm, sweet and tender moment. It happened on a PTI weekend retreat in Kansas. I was alone with my camera walking down an old gravel road. I remember how loud my steps sounded on that road. The air was dusty and dirty. The sky was beautiful with a gorgeous orange sunset and I could make out the silhouette of 2 horses in the pasture. It was so, so quiet and peaceful. I could hear my own breath and it made me not want to walk on that loud gravel and ruin the silence. I looked at the side of the road and noticed a bunch of thorny weeds growing. What caught my eye were the beautiful yellow flowers poking up through those weeds. I suddenly had one of those still moments where I saw myself - rising up out of the weeds - strong and new. I thought of the Anais Nin quote:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud

 was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

I remember taking probably 50 shots of those beautiful weeds and the 3 above are my favorites. I wish I could remember the emotional sense of peace and rest that I felt in that moment. I think that maybe this is why photography is so important to me and especially capturing the everyday moments. It makes me slow down and look for the small details in life that are worthy of being honored. 

Day 2 of the Reverb10 project

December 2 Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

I think the biggest thing that holds me back from writing/journaling is , well, me. Most of the time I have so many colliding emotions and ideas that I can't seem to figure out how to get them out. I am constantly critiquing the words as they appear - "no, that's not it", "that sounds dumb", "that doesn't explain it all", "it's more complicated than that", etc. In the past I have just given up and kept my thoughts and feelings to myself. But I am working on LETTING IT FLOW and trying not to worry if it's perfect. I know that when I come back to my words in the future, it will be enough. And that is what REALLY MATTERS.

365 Photo Project

I can't believe I only have one month left of photos for the year! I am really proud of myself for sticking with this project this year. Here are the pictures from this past week.

11/23 - Updated self-portrait

11/24 - Roland's Wish List

11/25 - Singing before enjoying our Thanksgiving Dinner

11/26 - We put up our decorations the day after Thanksgiving

 

11/27 - Flowers that Joy and Angela brought for dinner

 

11/28 - Books I am reading right now

 

11/29 - I have been sick with a terrible cold all week - thankful for Hot Tea, Honey and Puffs Plus

 

11/30 - Loading the advent calendar

12/1 - 1st Advent Activity

Our family has an advent box that we use each year. Each day is filled with a different activity and a piece of chocolate for each of the boys. Our activity for the 1st day of advent was to make a paper chain with 25 days. We hung our chain from the dining room chandelier and the boys are enjoying tearing off a ring each day. My mother in law made one of these for Hayden's last birthday and it really helped him to visually understand the passage of time.  

Reverb 10 Project

Fall Flower - November 2010

 

I read about the Reverb10 project from Ali Edward's blog. I am going to do my best to keep up with the challenge as I think it will be really good for me to reflect on the past year and manifest my desires for 2011.

December 1 One Word
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

If I had to wrap up 2010 in one word it would be Pursue

This year it seems like I have been pursuing so many things in order to create a better life for myself and my family.

I have pursued:

peace within and without

balance

love, love, love

forgiveness for myself and others

hope that everything will be OK

trust in my closest relationships
courage to keep hoping and trusting

the ability to notice the little things and be thankful for them

healthy/deep connection with friends and family

spiritual freedom

fun in the midst of sadness

the ability to be present and fully alive

worthiness & authenticity

letting go of so many things

art & painting

joy & play

photography

& rest

(it's funny how rest is at the bottom of the list)

This year has been about changing the way things have been. It was time to get real and honest about who I was as a person and what I wanted in my life. It was time for me to release my fears and just try stuff. It was about "DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT" when I found myself in the same old situations and patterns. 

My hope for 2011 is that rest will somehow make its way up in the list. I want to relax and let go a little more. I want to trust that there is enough time, enough money, and enough love for all of us.

So the word I wish to manifest for 2011 is Patience.

It's not that I don't want to continue to pursue all of the things on my list, I just need to have a little faith that I don't have to get it all done RIGHT NOW.