Savoring the Strawberries

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.” Pema Chodron

I think we all know the adage “nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”.

Well I’m living it this week.

Medical stuff has reappeared that I had hoped to never deal with again.

But for whatever reason that’s not the case and I’m using the pain to dig a little deeper and work through fear and trust on another level.

I’m owning that this sucks big time but I’m also owning that my life is still really REALLY GOOD and full of blessings.

I’m enjoying the strawberries on the vine and opening my eyes to blessings.

Here are a few I jotted down last night and today.

The A/C at my rental condo only needed freon and not replaced

Watching Ro write in the invention journal Che gave him

Laying my head on Che's chest after a long talk and feeling closer to
him than ever. He has such a beautiful soul.

Doctors and technology that keep simple medical issues from growing into larger life threatening issues

Lidocaine rocks

Paints and canvas full of possibility

My camera and lenses

A soft comfy bed with smooth sheets and a perfect weighted comforter

The tomato and pepper plants are budding outside

The covered back porch is beginning to feel like my nest

The sound of silence and nature as my mind focuses on the evolving canvas before me

Color - glorious color

A job that pays well and gives me paid time off work for days just like this.

A piece of art that finally feels "right" and brings me comfort when I think about or look at it. 

Hayden's smile and desire to spend time with me in the kitchen.

A fan over my bed that blows a gentle breeze across my skin

A body and spirit that refuse to give in to darkness. That fight and stretch and arch towards the light

Sunshine through the sun roof on the drive into work

Not running out of gas when I very easily could have

A doctor in my office building so I don’t have to take off work.

Friends that see pain on my face and stop in the check on me.

A sense of peace deep inside the pain that says “you won’t always feel like this”

Words and Images that bring hope and laughter

Hope and Choice.. always

Falling Uphill

Each step up the mountain

Lift your knee

Plant your foot

Deep breath

Heave

Repeat

And just like that, there is no more mountain

Only sky and clouds

A racing heart and trembling legs

But peace

Always peace

Curious eyes

Scanning in the beauty

Peer over the conquered ledge

The peace tumbles to your toes and heat rises in your chest

“I have to go back down”

Panic

Going down means facing the journey with eyes wide open.

Certain death is no longer hidden behind your back

You must face it without blinders

Lower your knee

Plant your foot

Deep breath

Jump

Over and Over

And over again

Until the jolt of the jump becomes comfort in your body

And you find yourself skipping stones

With the same joy

You hurdled them with on the way up

Love is like that

We fall uphill with naïve eyes

Determined Confident Joyful

But enduring love

Can make it’s way back down the mountain without leaping off the edge

It is the slow repetition of seeing fully

And choosing to plant that foot again

To jump again

To make your way down the hill

Hand in hand

Until the Joy returns again

The road to war

 

Memories of him fill her mind. 

The cute thumbs up he gave her. 

His patient smile. 

The fierce love in his eyes. 

The passion in his embrace.

She can't imagine life without him on her left. She thought she would never experience those moments with him again. So she holds on tight in each millisecond. Willing time to move slowly. 

His unfailing love gives her courage to face those dark and scary corners in her heart. To push through the fears and trust.

Why must she doubt? 

Why is fear screaming from every corner? 

She chooses to ride the tide. To allow for it all. The immense love, the nagging doubts, the anxiety, the joy, the laughter and the silence. 

Time and patience and courage will be her allies as she stumbles and picks herself back up again. She knows this is an opportunity like she has never had before. She refuses to freeze in fear or recoil into the dark. The light is calling, calling her to be brave. To trust in something bigger than herself. That trust will lead to peace. 

No matter the outcome of the two of them; traveling this road, trusting in love, it will lead her where she needs to go. Give her the armor to fight and love like she has never done before. The days of hiding under the covers are done. 

The Power of a Smile

The power of a smile is incredible.

Today as I walked into the office I passed a group of people walking the other direction.

One of the men looked at me, saw the sadness on my face and gave me the biggest smile. His face lit up and his eyes seemed to say "chin up, it's a beautiful day". I see smiles from men often. But I can usually sense a different motivation for their attention. This was just pure joy he was emitting.

I immediately thought of the lesson the universe, God, whatever I'm calling it these days, has been trying to teach me. A few weeks ago I got a message from that higher place that said "when you can't see hope, when you've lost faith, look for the smiles and smile yourself. Smiling is having faith and hope that the light always wins over the dark. It's courageous to smile"

As I walked past the man this morning I wondered if God himself had jumped into his body and put that smile on his face. 

It's a simple thing but I'm choosing to see it as a sign that something good out there really does have my back. 

See me. Feel me. Know me. And let me do the same for you

See me. Feel me. Know me. And let me do the same for you. 

Isn't that what we all desire? To see and be seen, to understand and be understood.

I search my heart for words. The ache, the pressure surrounding my heart. I want to escape it. But instead I stay with it, notice it and allow the words to fall. I will survive this pain. 

The disappointment, hurt, sorrow, anger rolling in the pit of my stomach. I believe vulnerability is the greatest gift we can share with someone. but when it is handled without care, it is almost impossible to share it again. I have seen this time and time again as both the giver and squasher. It sucks both ways.

Choices have to be made, action taken or I will continue to feel like a victim of this crazy life.

I just find it all so horribly sad. Watching so many people I care about and now myself. Does love really ever last? Or do our own fears and desires destroy that precious gift we have been given?

A friend sends me a beautiful poem she has written about love. I read it and remember when I used to feel the same way. But then the memories old and new of love that has been broken makes me think she is simply naive. She hasn't experienced enough yet to see it usually doesn't really work out the way we hope. Equally sharing each others burdens and joy sounds fantastic but I'm beginning to believe it is a myth. In the end we all carry baggage of past hurts that cover our hearts and don't allow us to give/receive freely. 

I watch so many friends and acquaintances living through the pain of separation of lost love. Fighting their loneliness with distractions and clutching on to the shiny new object relieves the pain for a moment. But then it all comes tumbling back.

I refuse to give up hope though. I know love is still possible in this crazy world. But it requires so much sacrifice from two people that it is rare to find. It requires so much letting go. So much vulnerability it is almost unbearable. But again I refuse to give up hope. Even in the face of realism.  Fall down 300 times stand up 301. Tomorrow is a new day and anything is possible with grace hope love and light. I get to choose and create the world I live in and I choose to make the one where love wins.

Thank you God for the night

Can I really trust you?

God

Universe

Angels

Unconditional Love

Higher Power

The Thing that Has My Back 

( Or THUMB..the cute nickname I declared for you this weekend)

I have called on you many times before.

As a sweet little strawberry blonde I asked where you were the day daddy left.

You showed up behind the couch where I was hiding, listening to them argue over the stereo and wondering what was going to happen. But you didn't look like YOU. You called yourself Angelica and you had the smoothest chocolate skin I had ever seen. You cradled me and wiped my tears and told me I was gonna be ok....sweet child.

I remember going to you many times back then. You had a house around the corner and I would wander in and curl up in your lap in that old creaking rocking chair. You would show me your pocket watch locket with a picture of an angel inside. You would hum sweet songs and rub my hair. You smelled like chocolate chip cookies and felt like an easy chair.

You stayed with me as her through the darkest nights of my childhood. Covering my eyes, holding my hand through the pain. But what I never understood was why you didn't stop the bad things from happening. Why you didn't take me back to daddy. Why you didn't stop those people from doing what they did. You stayed by my side but you didn't stop them. 

I'm kinda pissed about that. 

I get it, in my head. We all have our battle scars and if we choose to, they are the fuel for our inner light. They spark the fire of our courage and perseverance. I know I would not be who I am today had I not lived through those experiences and many years later fought to find the will to live with their memory. 

But when I hear people say "the universe has got your back. You can trust that you are loved and taken care of" 

I shutter inside.

Because though I see the lessons and understand that without trials we would not grow, I do not feel cared for or nurtured. 

No, I feel pushed along in a chain of events called life. I am thankful for free will and choice and the power to love through it all, but I don't feel comfort.

And I want it desperately.

This past weekend I took a trip to Sedona with Che to backpack and hike. The first day we decided to hike up the non trail side of cathedral rock. We didn't realize how far we had to go and left unprepared for the journey. Heat, lack of water and a rougher climb than we expected sent me into panic. I was afraid to go up or down. Kicking myself for getting into the predicament. Che felt the same way but we had to work together to decide what to do.

At one point we ran across this painted rock. Tears welled in my eyes as I read the message. "Thank you God for the night". 

It struck me cold. Expecting a cute or simple message to have been left instead. But to see gratitude for the night ?? Wtf?

This is the crux of my lack of faith. On bright days I am full of hope and love. But when the stress of life overwhelms me and the night of my doubt returns and all I can sense is danger I am transported back to that little girl inside my soul.

It is not enough that God stood by and held my hand. I wanted protection. Not a smile. I wanted comfort not silence. How can I rest my back into a God that allowed such brutality to such an innocent child. 

And I am fully aware that I am not alone in this paradoxical love/free will system. In fact I have seen and experienced far less evil than most. That knowledge only intensifies the lack of comfort I feel.

My salve to this pain has been control and naivity. But that is not the answer. My heart longs for comfort and neither of those band aids will provide it.

Tonight my heart hurts. I am surrounded by information pointing to danger and uncertainty. Removing naive views and attempting to let go of control leaves me grasping for any lines of faith. 

My head tells me to numb out, drink till I can't think anymore but a small quiet voice asked me to get out that rock I found on the mountain and light a candle instead. It whispered to me to take two cards from the guardian angel deck. It whispered to "be still and know".

I close my eyes and feel my body connect to the ground. I am supported. But I am scared. Terrified of a misstep that will send me into a free fall. 

I can see it, feel it, the wind rushing, the g forces, feet flying, and then darkness. Complete darkness and isolation. I never want to return to that place.

My cards read "intention" and "soul mate". 

Maybe just maybe I think that thing that has my back is trying to tell me something. Do I dare trust it? Can I survive the pain if I do and I get hurt again?

A fire of courage burns and says yes. A great big giant Yes. 

It says the point of the cards is to set the intention. Instead of allowing the thoughts and feelings of falling to certain death to fill my consciousness, I must create a juicy vision of what the ideal outcome could be instead. And maybe all that shit I've talked and studied about manifestation will really be true. And I will create the future where I am at peace. Where I press against the universe and feel it press back. Where I am safe and comforted no matter the circumstance.

The seed of hope is tiny but like that little poppy seed that I nurtured and turned into a beautiful woman, I plan to do the same with this one.

Focus and love. Caring for my hope and faith. Day by day. I will nurture them and maybe just maybe I will say

"Thank you God for the night"

Symbiosis

Pushing boundaries is a good thing.

Today was one of those days where I flexed my courage muscles and stepped out of my comfort zone.

Me, the once staunch introvert gave a presentation at work in front of 35 people. And while I've done that before with confidence, today I had to wing it.

This is a new topic for me, unlike last time, so my nerves were especially on edge.

I practiced excellent self talk before and after. But the familiar heat and then gush of sweat on my hands and feet (and honestly my whole body) consumed me anyway.

I came back to my desk and tried to breathe. But I could feel it. That sickening slipping feeling in my shoes, arctic hands and dark rings on my shirt that have caused humiliation and shame since I was a small child. It just feels GROSS!

More breath, more loving self talk, but the anxiety remains.

I leave for the day, racing to go home, to shower this shame off my body. When I get a text from my guy, an unexpected invitation to dinner.

Deep breath

Of course I'll go.

But this ick, I have to get this ick off of me.

Dinner comes and goes. Casual conversation. But I am hiding. Pushing myself to be present as I catch a glimpse of my swollen feet in the store window.

"Ick"

My guy suggests shoe shopping across the street. We have a hiking trip coming soon and I need a pair.

But God. My feet. They are the last thing I want to think about or 'blah' LOOK AT right now.

I push myself. Window shop. And then decide its time to stop pushing. Time to nurture instead.

The drive home the conversation begins...

"Gross. God you're so gross." The mean 5th grade bully yells down to me.

"No. No you're not. You're beautiful. You will find a way through this sweating thing" the sweet mama in my heart whispers.

I believe her... The sweet mama

I really do.

I know that as soon as it doesn't bother me anymore it will probably go away.

But today, it bothers me A LOT.

It makes me feel different, ashamed but mostly disgustingly gross. Like last weeks trash in a dumpster.

The hot ginger infused bath runs as the ounce of dark chocolate melts on my tongue. I sink to my ears as the smell of Nag champa connects with those olfactory memories of peace and calm.

She is there.. Always there for me.. The ocean.. My mother.. My first comfort in this body.

She holds me. Envelops me. Perfect pressure but perfect space to move. To be free within comfort. That is why I love her so.

She is the only one that I have ever allowed to support my weight FULLY. A perfect symbiosis of being nurtured and self care. Deep breaths, muscle relaxed. I am held and I am holding myself.

It's beautiful.

Strong

Loving

And as I shared with my sweet friend Erin last night

In those moments I feel like "I kinda kick ass"

The symbiosis of body, spirit and soul is truly a miracle. When I take the time to experience them all together things shift.

Faith and Peace rise. Fear subsides and I know I'm going to be ok.

I feel a shift coming in my life. One less focused on security and more on presence and deep connection with other souls.

The past few months have been dark for me. But I know the light is there.. Everywhere. This dark exploration is just the path to more grace. It is preparation for the journey ahead.

As uncomfortable as it is, I know it is worth it. I can see the gifts that will provide the relief to make the journey bearable.

So so many gifts.

In essence it is all a gift. The struggles and the mercies.

I see that clearly now.