Remember when I talked about that big project I’m birthing into my life?
Well it’s time to spill the beans on what I’ve been up to.
A while back I had an aha inspirational moment.
Walking through a local antique and craft market, I thought “I could do that” as I gazed at some cool handmade jewelry made from old spoons and forks.
I have had this thought many times as I browsed pinterest or stood in awe at an art gallery.
But this time it stuck with me in a new way.
I realized that many people feel this way and have a longing to make stuff just like I do.
And when I put that together with my deep deep longing for connection, a small business idea was born.
A community “I can make that too” party center and event biz
I have seen this idea played out at places like Pinot’s Palette or Purple Glaze.
But my experience with those type of venues was honestly lacking in creativity.
I do not want to create what everyone else is creating.
Yes I want to be inspired by others, but I want to add my unique touch and flair to my creations.
I think other people feel the same way.
So I’m creating a space for people to come together to make stuff and play.
Creativity + Community
Yes!
And the best part is that this totally lines up with my skill set
Organized, budget conscious, creative, make it happen attitude and a loving heart that embraces strangers with open arms
I CAN’T WAIT
Seriously
It has been a LOT of work getting everything set up and going
And I’m choosing to start slow so that I can keep the rest of my life in balance and actually enjoy the process
Soon I will have a website with all of the info and events, but for now I am using facebook as the hub for parties.
Patience Angie Patience
The inner demons are having fun now that the first event is nearing (one week away!!!)
The new skill set I have learned over this past year of staying curious when emotions and panic rise is really helping.
My support system has been amazing too. Close friends, family and Che have encouraged me to go for this. Their support has meant so much, especially on those hard days of failed experiments and “who do I think I am to do this” thoughts.
I have big hopes for this project but I’m also not holding on too tight to the outcome.
It is a big experiment that I am ready to face with conscious commitment and joy
Wish me luck and I hope to see your smiling face at Poppy’s a Playhouse soon.
"I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity." Her
Finally got the chance to watch Her last night with Che.
And like transcendence, it tickled that philosophical part of my brain.
It raises questions about our future interactions with technology and the definitions of consciousness and humanity.
Che and I have this theory that many of these movies are really test markets to see how society reacts to new technological possibilities. This movie is full of those.
I love a movie that makes me think, but totally engulfs me at the same time. It has been refreshing to enjoy these two.
My overall judgement of a movie comes from how I feel after watching it (hello cancer nature). And both of these movies left me feeling hopeful, lighter and grateful for the connections in my life.
I say yes to that and recommend watching them for yourself.
Feeling disconnected or separate from a group of people is a familiar pattern in my life
It started early
In fact, I believe it started before I took my first breath
It is a story that I hold deep in my soul, that I am not good enough to be part of the whole
And so I have attracted this story to my life with different players
Often a watcher, I hide behind a shield of invisibility
Feeling like a victim of the group
When really I am the aggressive one
Locking myself away so they cannot see me
The story has gotten clearer over time
And it still shows up in my life today
Parents that are still disconnected
Longing for deep friendships and happy gatherings
Feeling alone in a crowd of hundreds of people
I do not deny the blessings in my life
A soul mate to walk with
A closeness with my children
Extended family with cordial and kind interactions
But I long for more
I want to go deeper
I want simply
To feel Supported
Accepted exactly as I am
And to be able to return the same
I am noticing that the more I show myself this acceptance and kindness
The more those doors are opening with other souls around me
When I am vulnerable, honest and kind
I often receive the same
But it doesn’t take the sting out of the pain when the ones I want the most to feel this way with
Simply don’t show up
I struggle with my relationship with my parents
We are not close
My mother has a painful habit of making promises she cannot keep
Or simply not committing at all
I invited her for mother’s day dinner
The scene played in my mind, a lovely dinner around the table with laughter and flowers in cute little mason jars
She did not come
And I couldn’t bring myself to set that table for just myself
So instead mother’s day dinner was thrown together last minute and felt just like any other meal
I realize Mother’s day is simply a man made holiday
But no matter how much I tell myself that, it still hurts
It felt like an opportunity to take things to that deeper level
To look in my mom’s eyes or my children to look into mine and know that we are really there for each other
Unfortunately I allowed my disappointment with my own mother, to stop me from connecting with my own children
I understand why, But I choose differently now
I choose to determine my own worth instead of allowing other people’s human behaviors to dictate it for me.
The same is true as I walk into work this morning.
I see co-workers digging through party supplies to prepare to celebrate another co-workers wedding.
I feel the blood drain out of my body
Why did they not do the same for me?
It hurt when my wedding came and went and no one at my office celebrated it with me
I had let it go and figured it just wasn’t how my office mates handled things
But to see it being prepared for someone else stung HARD
I felt deep shame.
“What’s so wrong with me?”
And I let out a snarky remark as a result
“I thought we didn’t have any wedding decorations” as I passed one lady by
Deep breaths in my office
Remembering to STAY with myself To show kindness and compassion for the hurt I was feeling
Wise words filling my mind with each deep breath
“don’t take things personally. Everyone is on their own path. Their decisions have nothing to do with you”
I find the lady I spoke unkindly to and apologize.
I am honest about the hurt I was feeling but tell her I’m sorry for taking it out on her.
She accepts and looks at me with understanding eyes.
In each moment I have a choice To stay locked into the cycle of hurt and let it continue the old story
Or to let go and move forward
It’s interesting that the letting go involves staying
Staying with the pain long enough to see the gift in it
And then owning the truth of my worthiness and power to create the life I desire
I am thankful for these lessons
Especially on a day after receiving some news that in the past I would have called “bad”
But really I see that every single thing that happens to us, gives us an opportunity to grow closer to ourselves and each other
I pray for myself and my loved ones that we would take the disappointments and difficult paths as opportunities to grow together instead of apart.
And this is not me just trying to spin difficult news
In allowing what unfolds to unfold without judgment, we will find freedom
I know this to be true.
God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.
Rainer Maria Rilke
I heard this poem while listening to a Pema Chodron audio on Spotify, which I have been doing for the last several months on my morning commute. This practice of starting my day with wisdom and laughter (she is actually really funny) has been really good for me.
Pema describes the quote as one of the most valuable teachings on impermanence ever written.
I have to agree
Especially this part:
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
In moments of pain or frustration (aka 3 minute plank in gym class), I remember “this feeling won’t last”
In moments of bliss(aka finding another love note on the typewriter from Che), I remember “this feeling won’t last”
I am learning to live in each moment, fully
I am learning to relax with it, to observe and to be grateful to simply be alive and ride this roller coaster we call life
Today I went for a run downtown on my lunch break
Passing strangers, noticing the clouds above me and the road below me
The ever changing grade and change in surroundings is why I love to run outside.
Treadmills bore me and I refuse to spend my exercise time on them
And today I realized why
It’s all about the shifting
Without change life would feel like living in a cardboard box with no air or light
I am grateful for both daily dissatisfactions and blissful moments
They keep things fresh and point me to my purpose on this earth
To connect and love
What a beautiful awareness
Ironically I know a new day will come and I will forget these lessons
But it’s just an opportunity to discover it again
And again
The joy really is in the journey
"We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Some days just hurt, ya know?
I find myself in a period of transition and birth.
Having birthed two children I can say with clarity, it takes courage, energy and patience.
And there is no epidural for emotional birth
Something has awakened in my spirit
It is a cry from my deepest self, to start living the life I crave
My desires show up in the little aha moments of inspiration, in jealous flares, as aching longing, as flutters of gratitude.
I think they have always been there, I am finally understanding what they are
Pain is opportunity
Always
It is very difficult to walk with that awareness when it burns and drops you to your knees
When the alarm clock buzzes and the reality of another long day in the office weighs on your chest like a tank.
The opportunity is the choice to decide what to do about that feeling
I can roll around in misery and self-flagellation for not following my heart sooner
Or
I can birth something new
I can use the pain to find the energy to persist in the creation
And the real trick my friends…
Is moving forward with grace for the realities of life
Surrender
Patience
Small achievable steps
This is the way
And when I stumble and the weight of the tank is so much to bear that I can barely look my lover in the eye
I look myself in the eye and say
“you can do this sweet girl”
“I know you’re scared and it seems like it’s all too much right now”
"But You CAN do this”
“You are brave”
“You are strong”
“You are wise”
“You can handle any situation that comes your way”
“Keep moving”
“Keep dreaming”
“Let the love in”
“Find the joy in the journey”
"Smell the flowers”
“Notice the light”
“And remember YOU DON’T HAVE TO WALK ALONE”
