Connect with me

Feeling disconnected or separate from a group of people is a familiar pattern in my life

It started early

In fact, I believe it started before I took my first breath

It is a story that I hold deep in my soul, that I am not good enough to be part of the whole

And so I have attracted this story to my life with different players

Often a watcher, I hide behind a shield of invisibility

Feeling like a victim of the group

When really I am the aggressive one

Locking myself away so they cannot see me

The story has gotten clearer over time

And it still shows up in my life today

Parents that are still disconnected

Longing for deep friendships and happy gatherings

Feeling alone in a crowd of hundreds of people

I do not deny the blessings in my life

A soul mate to walk with

A closeness with my children

Extended family with cordial and kind interactions

But I long for more

I want to go deeper

I want simply

To feel Supported

Accepted exactly as I am

And to be able to return the same

I am noticing that the more I show myself this acceptance and kindness

The more those doors are opening with other souls around me

When I am vulnerable, honest and kind

I often receive the same

But it doesn’t take the sting out of the pain when the ones I want the most to feel this way with

Simply don’t show up

I struggle with my relationship with my parents

We are not close

My mother has a painful habit of making promises she cannot keep

Or simply not committing at all

I invited her for mother’s day dinner

The scene played in my mind, a lovely dinner around the table with laughter and flowers in cute little mason jars

She did not come

And I couldn’t bring myself to set that table for just myself

So instead mother’s day dinner was thrown together last minute and felt just like any other meal

I realize Mother’s day is simply a man made holiday

But no matter how much I tell myself that, it still hurts

It felt like an opportunity to take things to that deeper level

To look in my mom’s eyes or my children to look into mine and know that we are really there for each other

Unfortunately I allowed my disappointment with my own mother, to stop me from connecting with my own children

I understand why, But I choose differently now

I choose to determine my own worth instead of allowing other people’s human behaviors to dictate it for me.

The same is true as I walk into work this morning.

I see co-workers digging through party supplies to prepare to celebrate another co-workers wedding.

I feel the blood drain out of my body

Why did they not do the same for me?

It hurt when my wedding came and went and no one at my office celebrated it with me

I had let it go and figured it just wasn’t how my office mates handled things

But to see it being prepared for someone else stung HARD

I felt deep shame.

“What’s so wrong with me?”

And I let out a snarky remark as a result

“I thought we didn’t have any wedding decorations” as I passed one lady by

Deep breaths in my office

Remembering to STAY with myself To show kindness and compassion for the hurt I was feeling

Wise words filling my mind with each deep breath

“don’t take things personally. Everyone is on their own path. Their decisions have nothing to do with you”

I find the lady I spoke unkindly to and apologize.

I am honest about the hurt I was feeling but tell her I’m sorry for taking it out on her.

She accepts and looks at me with understanding eyes.

In each moment I have a choice To stay locked into the cycle of hurt and let it continue the old story

Or to let go and move forward

It’s interesting that the letting go involves staying

Staying with the pain long enough to see the gift in it

And then owning the truth of my worthiness and power to create the life I desire

I am thankful for these lessons

Especially on a day after receiving some news that in the past I would have called “bad”

But really I see that every single thing that happens to us, gives us an opportunity to grow closer to ourselves and each other

I pray for myself and my loved ones that we would take the disappointments and difficult paths as opportunities to grow together instead of apart.

And this is not me just trying to spin difficult news

In allowing what unfolds to unfold without judgment, we will find freedom

I know this to be true.