I don't have my own words...

But these are where I'm at.. Right now in this moment.

Not super proud but cutting myself some slack. Taking time to nurture that little girl inside who is so so scared right now. 

We can do this sweet girl. I love you.

Tiny Wisdom: Be Good to Yourself

By Lori Deschene

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” -Lama Yeshe

All too often we’re unforgiving and cruel to ourselves in a way we’d never treat our friends.

We’d never look a friend in the eyes and tell her she’s not good enough. We’d never beat a friend up over one mistake he made years ago. We’d never expect a friend to move mountains when she’s exhausted and clearly needs a rest.

Why do we sometimes do these things to ourselves?

So often when we think about self-love, we think about the big picture—forgiving ourselves for past mistakes and accepting ourselves, imperfections and all.

But in much the same way we show love in relationships through tiny acts of appreciation and consideration, we can love ourselves through small, maybe even random acts of kindness.

For me, that means allowing myself to relax if I need to, even if I feel like I should be productive. It means treating myself to a nice lunch every now and then, even if I feel I should save money. It means responding to negative thoughts in my head with the same uplifting advice I’d give my sister.

Sometimes it also means seeing in the mirror that little girl who I used to be—the little girl who always did her best and wanted nothing to more than to have someone hug her and tell her it was good enough. It’s my job to do that now.

It’s all of our jobs.

Today, give yourself the consideration and kindness you’d extend to the people you love. If you’re dissatisfied with your progress, remind yourself of all you’ve accomplished. If you made a mistake, cut yourself from slack. If you’re tired, take it easy.

All the goodness you put out into the world starts with how you treat yourself.

Passing it Forward

Sometimes I am awe struck by the grace and love surrounding us all.

Even in the midst of grief and loss I am surrounded.

And even more amazing to me is that so much of the grace and love I am receiving is coming from the very person with the most reasons to hold it back from me.

Love can conquer all even in the midst of great pain. Courage and trust allows us to follow through on what we believe.

Thank you Che for your grace. For your acceptance, for your love.

I pass forward the love and light you have shown me in the hopes it can spread and touch even more people that need it.

What is True for you, Right now in this Moment?

Friday afternoon this question came to mind as I stared into the bathroom mirror. 

Soul gazing with myself the answer came 

"You are exactly where you are supposed to be, even if it is uncomfortable"

A deep breath and that truth coursed through my veins. Hope and acceptance filled me and a level of peace.

Throughout the day I felt inspired to ask that same question to passing strangers, friends and family.

The answers brought more peace, more hope and an awareness of how similar we all are at our cores. And thankfully the answers brought laughter as well!

Here are the anonymous answers.  

C (security guard): I am a people person. When no one goes through this gate my energy drops. But when I see smiling faces and hear hellos it lifts me up inside.

C: I love you. I love my kids.

K: I am grateful

J: No matter how frustrated you get with your kids you always end up missing them after leaving the house to just get away for a bit.

E: I really believe there are people left in the world that re purely good. They just have to be sought after and maybe loved a little harder on.

E: Truth is uncertainty

B: Right now, I am scared shitless, in love and terrified of being hurt.

C: I am bloated and trying not to fart!

B: Fear of releasing the fear of not knowing.

P: I want my life here to have meaning and purpose that will be lasting.

D: I love my kids and husband dearly. I love being outdoors I love food (probably not a good thing) Hate that I can't stay focused and lose weight.

J: I might be in love with someone who is totally perfect for me, but also totally not.

C: I feel relaxed right now. It is cloudy and I am enjoying the company of my girls as we wrap up a delicious late lunch.

L: I hate having strange people around me. I am surrounded by them now (rephrased to give anonymity)

J: I am a good writer. And I want something delicious to eat.

W: The existence of the substance of things unseen but hoped for is a reality. Through vision, ambition and drive the humility of faith is strengthening.

H: Nature puts me in perspective. The simple beauty that is but complex in needs. It seems effortless but rain, sun, air, bees.. so much needed to thrive. I thrive but need things to do so also, friends, love, humor, compassion, relevance.. so much shapes what we are and what others see

M: I love my girls unconditionally even if I may get angry or mad their hearts are always forgiving and loving. I've been a mean PMS mama this week.

E: I am becoming closer to God.

M: Love is all that makes my life worthwhile, and at the same time it is tied to pain that is almost too much to handle. Lots of mixed emotions these days.

J: PTSD

J: I am ready for all the kids to go back to school. I feel disorganized.

L: I am loved



I hope to add to the list. If you have a truth that you would like to share, feel free to contact me and I will add it above.

Lighter Legs

This week has been interesting to say the least. It feels out of time and wobbly and like I’m doing my best to just put one foot in front of the other.

There is a trust and peace coming from finding little moments of joy. They are like the rocks I’m skipping to cross this rushing river bed. Sometimes I slip into the river and the current of grief pulls me under. But each time I stand back up and find another rock to stand on.

Last night I found a boulder. I tried a new yoga class with my incredible friend Erin. Two local musicians were playing live during the class. We started in child’s pose as Rachel sang her version of crazy.

That current pulled me under and I wept. My body pumped with grief but I kept moving. Through each song I pushed and pulled and felt the strength of my body to persevere. We danced and bounced and I felt things shifting inside of me. As we stretched our legs above our bodies with straps a new song started. 

Yellow

Oh that is my love song to Roland. I sang it over and over and over again to him as an infant. We would rock and swing in his room for hours. That memory filled me and I couldn’t resist singing along. Soon many of us yogi wanna be’s were singing and swaying our legs to the rhythm. Like lighters in a concert our feet swayed as a greeting to the singers in tribute. And then the biggest belly laugh took over my soul. I laughed from my head to my toes. And it was all so beautiful.

The unexpected makes us feel alive.

It is hard to hold on and trust sometimes but it’s worth it to feel that gush of  love coming from somewhere bigger than ourselves.

I ran into Rachel again later than night (because i kinda want to be the president of her fan club) This time at a favorite local bar. She is a beautiful soul and I saw a mirror in her to connect with the ironies of life. To let them form who you are, because the mixture of grief and joy is gorgeous.

There have been many other rays of light this week. Some I had to search out and some found me unexpectedly like the moment above. I am taking time each day to list at least three blessings in the day. I know I will look back some day and be thankful I did that. Because  as much as we ask for the blessings if we don’t open our eyes and our hearts to them, we will miss them when they come.

It’s little things like a new friend at work who gave me an unexpected hug in the bathroom right when I needed one.

A community of connections that are lifting my spirit… Old friends found again that have just the right words like “you are the artist of your soul. Your life is good and you are beautiful. Allow yourself to experience the abundance that is surrounding you”

Watching a lady bug hold on tight to my windshield wiper and laughing out loud to myself as I urge her to hold on.

Running and doing yoga to feel strong.  Remembering that I run for me alone… not to compete with anyone or shape my body. (Those are side benefits)  But I run because it makes ME happy.

Noticing how the phrase “Be still and know” is surrounding me and showing up in life in interesting ways.

Reflecting on those last moments I shared with Che. I am grateful for them as painful as they are. It could have ended with hard words and anger but it didn’t. It was calm and loving. I will always cherish those last moments.

Hearing from him and feeling the shift begin. The shift to the new us where we still have each other’s backs. It’s a gift we both want that.

Pausing as I write to close my eyes and listen to the breath inside of me.

I am here. I am alive. Peace and joy are gurgling along with grief and sadness. Life wouldn’t be life without all of them.

Thank you universe for guiding and loving us all through the journey.

Thank you for surrounding us always in love.

Thank you self for opening your eyes and heart and letting it in.