Lighter Legs

This week has been interesting to say the least. It feels out of time and wobbly and like I’m doing my best to just put one foot in front of the other.

There is a trust and peace coming from finding little moments of joy. They are like the rocks I’m skipping to cross this rushing river bed. Sometimes I slip into the river and the current of grief pulls me under. But each time I stand back up and find another rock to stand on.

Last night I found a boulder. I tried a new yoga class with my incredible friend Erin. Two local musicians were playing live during the class. We started in child’s pose as Rachel sang her version of crazy.

That current pulled me under and I wept. My body pumped with grief but I kept moving. Through each song I pushed and pulled and felt the strength of my body to persevere. We danced and bounced and I felt things shifting inside of me. As we stretched our legs above our bodies with straps a new song started. 

Yellow

Oh that is my love song to Roland. I sang it over and over and over again to him as an infant. We would rock and swing in his room for hours. That memory filled me and I couldn’t resist singing along. Soon many of us yogi wanna be’s were singing and swaying our legs to the rhythm. Like lighters in a concert our feet swayed as a greeting to the singers in tribute. And then the biggest belly laugh took over my soul. I laughed from my head to my toes. And it was all so beautiful.

The unexpected makes us feel alive.

It is hard to hold on and trust sometimes but it’s worth it to feel that gush of  love coming from somewhere bigger than ourselves.

I ran into Rachel again later than night (because i kinda want to be the president of her fan club) This time at a favorite local bar. She is a beautiful soul and I saw a mirror in her to connect with the ironies of life. To let them form who you are, because the mixture of grief and joy is gorgeous.

There have been many other rays of light this week. Some I had to search out and some found me unexpectedly like the moment above. I am taking time each day to list at least three blessings in the day. I know I will look back some day and be thankful I did that. Because  as much as we ask for the blessings if we don’t open our eyes and our hearts to them, we will miss them when they come.

It’s little things like a new friend at work who gave me an unexpected hug in the bathroom right when I needed one.

A community of connections that are lifting my spirit… Old friends found again that have just the right words like “you are the artist of your soul. Your life is good and you are beautiful. Allow yourself to experience the abundance that is surrounding you”

Watching a lady bug hold on tight to my windshield wiper and laughing out loud to myself as I urge her to hold on.

Running and doing yoga to feel strong.  Remembering that I run for me alone… not to compete with anyone or shape my body. (Those are side benefits)  But I run because it makes ME happy.

Noticing how the phrase “Be still and know” is surrounding me and showing up in life in interesting ways.

Reflecting on those last moments I shared with Che. I am grateful for them as painful as they are. It could have ended with hard words and anger but it didn’t. It was calm and loving. I will always cherish those last moments.

Hearing from him and feeling the shift begin. The shift to the new us where we still have each other’s backs. It’s a gift we both want that.

Pausing as I write to close my eyes and listen to the breath inside of me.

I am here. I am alive. Peace and joy are gurgling along with grief and sadness. Life wouldn’t be life without all of them.

Thank you universe for guiding and loving us all through the journey.

Thank you for surrounding us always in love.

Thank you self for opening your eyes and heart and letting it in.