I have so many different personalities in me and I still feel
lonely. Tori Amos
This weekend I took a road trip with the boys to Dallas to
visit family I hadn’t seen in months. We stayed with my dad and stepmom and got
to see my sister and brother and all of their crew.
I watched as my family did it’s typical get together thing.
We gather into moving groups, catching up, giving the high spots of our lives
and trying to appear like we all have our shit together. I do believe that some
of it is genuine but mostly I feel like we are all broken. We are hurting so
deeply and can’t seem to figure out how to lean on each other to get the love
and grace we need from each other. It makes me weep. There is a very uncomfortable
silence that sits between us. I have managed to break that silence with my
siblings. I have chosen to be real with them and let them see the real me under
the masks and in return their walls came down and gave me a peek into their
worlds as well. It is so rare that we get to do this though. I can only count a
handful of times with each. We are all horrible at staying in touch unless we
can see each other in person.
But the one thing I saw so clearly this weekend is how
powerfully toxic shame can be to the human soul and to family. It causes
addiction, violence, isolation, and huge egos that have to be fed in order to
stay in some sort of functional state with other people. We are all the same,
we just play the game and comfort our wounds in different ways. And those band-aid
behaviors are usually in conflict with the behaviors of the people we love
most. Instead of seeing each other as mirrors to our own pain, we judge and
lash out. We defend our way, think ourselves better and continue the cycle that
separates us.
As I sat and watched this all unfold before me I wanted to
scream out and I have to admit that I found myself falling into the pattern
again too. But I wanted so bad to lift the veil over the eyes of my loved ones
and allow us all to see each other without the masks, the addictions and false
smiles. I believe family should be the place where you can lay all of that down
and just be. Where you are loved just because you are you, no questions asked.
You are accepted, fully and without judgment. It’s what I hope to give to my
children and I still have hope that my own family can someday become that place
for me. I love them all dearly and am choosing to let go of the past hurts and
fears. I hope they can do the same. And I really hope with all of my being that
we can all do the internal work we need to do to release the shame. Because
until then, none of us will get there. The shame tells us we are not worthy of
anything good, especially love and connection. Until we can release that belief,
we will continue to follow the same cycles because we will not believe we are
worthy of anything else.
I was already a bit wiped out going into the trip, but today
I just feel so so tired. Tired to the bone. My energy is low and I’m trying
desperately to find equilibrium again.
I think the solitude of my life is really beginning to get
to me. The weeks I have the boys I spend a lot of time going through the paces
on my own. Cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, disciplining, and trying
to throw in a little fun and games too. But it feels like it’s all on me and I
can’t stop or everything is going to fall apart. I guess technically I’m not
alone, but it sure feels like it. I never saw myself raising children alone,
just wasn’t in my paradigm. But life has done it’s thing and here I am. It’s
not that I feel like a victim of this life…. No, I chose this road knowing it
would be difficult. And I still believe that we made the best choices given the
circumstances… but it’s just hard right now.
The whole thing makes me ponder the balance between
loneliness and companionship. I know that we have to be able to stand on our
own before we can ever think about having a healthy relationship with someone
else. But I also know that companionship is a necessary part of being human. It’s
a fine line between needing and wanting to be with someone. I have to keep a
hawk eye on that part of me that starts any kind of “need” based behavior. It’s
always a warning sign that something is off and needs healing.
I know there is a link in here that has to do with shame. I “know”
in my head that I’m worthy of a great life and love and connection that
fulfills me. But my inner selves still need healing to get there. Part of the
ache of loneliness is the company of the self. If you don’t like yourself,
well that makes being alone kind of shitty to say the least. I will get there,
I know it. And I have a wonderful man who has continued to walk through life
with me accepting me at every stage. In many ways he feels like home to me now.
He is my place to rest my head, to just be and know I am loved fully. Our
lives will soon be intertwined more and more and I look forward to the days of
having him near me so often. I never want to take him for granted or take
advantage of his love.
This whole post is probably disjointed and a maze of
emotions and ideas, but it is what it is. It is me today, trying to sort
through the pieces and make sense of the ache in my heart. But hope is singing
softly in the background. She is not gone, she is just waiting for me to
remember the light that burns inside of me and hold onto it once again.
