A conversation with Little Poppy

Poppy: I feel alone. I'm afraid he doesn't love me anymore. I know it’s silly. Nothing happened but I’m just scared and lonely.

Strong One: Oh sweet girl… he loves you more than you can possibly know.

But I love you even more and I have a secret for you...

We can’t change or control how much anyone loves us or how they treat us. What matters is that I’m here for you anytime you need me. I love you to the moon and back. I know you.. all of you and I think you’re amazing. You are strong and courageous, beautiful, funny and crazy smart. You love animals and drawing pictures in the dirt with a stick. You love to paint and sing and move to beautiful music. I know all your secrets that you are scared to tell anyone. I love your tangled red hair and dirty cheeks and sweaty little hands and feet. You don’t have to hide anything from me because I love it all and I will never hurt you or leave you.

Poppy: But it’s not the same… I want him to love me.

Strong One: I know baby girl… you have a big hole in your heart from the first man you ever loved. You loved him with everything you had and when he left it broke your little heart into a million pieces. You decided that there must be something wrong with you. But what you don’t understand little one is that he had to leave. He had to go find himself. It wasn’t about you. He never stopped loving you. You are his baby girl and always will be. You are so special and you are a bright light in this dark world. You love with everything you have and give like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t let other people’s behavior mean anything about who you are. Go on and love love love.  So pick up your chin and smile. Go out in the sun and let your beautiful red hair shimmer and shine. Twirl… spin your skirt.. dance… jump.. climb rocks… swim.. move with the wind and let your light shine. You are a special gift to this world. 

Come close and let me whisper something in your ear. I have a secret mission for you? Are you ready?

Poppy shakes her head yes, curls up in my lap and looks at me with wonder in her eyes..

Strong One: Here it is… go out and show everyone you can that they have that same light burning bright in their hearts too. Everyone gets sad and scared when bad things happen. You’re not the only one. And some people get so scared they give up and choose to live in the dark. But when you smile and look them in the eyes and shoot that laser beam of love into their hearts, a magical thing happens. Hope shows up and sparks their light too.

Poppy: Ok....   But what if he leaves? I have this terrible feeling that everyone is going to leave me. That something is wrong with me.

Strong One: There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfectly human and worthy of all kinds of love. But you must let go. Let go of tomorrow. Because nothing is forever. Things change and it's ok. You will always have what you need. If you spend all of your time worrying about him leaving, you are missing out on him while he's here. Let go and love. Trust that you will be ok. Let you light shine and soak in the light of those around you. Listen to their words, feel their embrace and let it fill your heart with even more love. Life is a big circle of giving and receiving. If you cling too tightly it breaks that perfect system and doesn't give anyone the space they need to be able to love. So let go of the fear of tomorrow and hold on to the hope of love. You have seen it at work and know how powerful it is. It changes everything. So let go, it's ok. I'm letting go too.

It's time to Return

Well it's been quite some time since I shared my inner workings in this very public space. But I felt a nudge to do so the other day and here I am.

My last post here was the tipping point.. it was the moment that changed everything for me and sent me on a new path. I decided to stop living my life for the benefit of those around me. Until then my motivation in life had been to "be a good wife and mother". But when I found that little poppy seed in my heart, I took hold of her and have tried with all my might to not let her go. I still struggle, she still struggles, but together we've grown so much in this past year. We have blossomed and let go of so many past paradigms and fears. Physically I have lost about 65 pounds but emotionally I feel like I have lost so much more. 

My main driving force in life is still my amazing boys. They keep me grounded and focused and steady on the path before me. I never knew I could love someone so deeply until the nurse laid my sweet Roland on my chest for the first time. And when Hayden was on the way I wondered if it would be possible to love him as much. But the moment I stared into his baby blues my heart busted open and grew to accommodate. Justin and I were never meant to be but I am thankful for what we shared because we created two amazing boys with unlimited potential to do awesome things in this world. The divorce was both easy at times and excruciatingly painful at times. I learned so many lessons deep in my core through it all and hopefully I will somehow be able to share them when the time feels right. I know the divorce was and still is hardest on the boys. Justin and I have both moved on. He is engaged and I am deeply in love with a man who has shown me grace and love that I never knew existed. But the boys struggle. For them we had a storybook kind of life and they are still mourning the loss of it. They will get through it and I pray for the strength to show them the love and affection (and discipline) they need every day. I am also beyond grateful that they have a dad that loves them just as much as I do and is willing to do the same for them.