Broken Open

Watching and listening, the question forms on my tongue and escapes my mouth before I can stop it.

“But what about when you’re feeling stuck?”

The answer comes with a smile

“You show me. How does stuck move? Express what stuck feels like.”

Without hesitation I jump in the circle and dance stuck and feel the shift of acceptance.

 

This is the lesson, practice and process that creates the opening to joy and peace

 

Feeling

Allowing

Breathing

Moving

Gratitude

 

In tune with myself like never before, I am listening deeply.

Tingles, heaviness, nausea, pulsing, flutters

They speak so clearly when I listen for them

Breath gives rise to more intensity

I let go and let them take me over

Back arching, hips swirling, arms floating like flower stems, they flow through me

Expressing what must be said

What must be felt

And then it shifts into something new

The process is so incredibly full of grace

I am in awe of love and the power of showing up

In awe of saying HELL YES to whatever comes

Thank you love for showing me the way

Let it rise

Let me be broken open again and again

Truth

In many Shamanic societies, if you came to a Shaman or Medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask you one of the four questions.

When did you stop dancing?

When did you stop singing?

When did you stop being enchanted by stories?

When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?

Dancing, singing, storytelling and silence are the four Universal healing salves.

I love you sweet spark

One little girl

Bring me life from where I thought it was dark

Be the spark that has a chance to light the candle

Love that I can handle

Souls like the wings

Spreading out away from bad memories

Make us capable of taking off and landing

Alive with understanding

Avett Brothers

I love you little Angela. You are not broken. You are exquisite and pure light. I'm here. Always here to see and love you. Climb up on my lap and let me hold you for awhile. 

Hell Yes!

This weekend I attended my first 5 rhythms dance workshop. The entire experience was life changing in subtle and extreme ways. I have been marinating in the memories and even now can barely find the words to explain the transition this experience created. 

Thinking back I remember the first time I heard about these workshops. I was married and I stayed home to watch the kids so my husband could go. I saw the profound affect it had on him but I knew I wasn't ready.. Not then. I could barely allow myself to be seen walking to the coffee pot at work much less DANCE in front of perfect strangers.

As I worked through the divorce, I found movement and freedom and release from so much shame. I turned into that "old" lady at the dance clubs shaking my stuff till 2am alongside the young 20 something's. But it was interesting that most of the time I was out dancing, I found my spirit. I often felt completely alone out there, lost in the music and lights and feeling the rhythm in my body. It was exhilarating. 

Over time my friend base changed and I have only found dance and movement at home on my own. Usually in my room while I paint or to release pent up emotions. When I saw the flyer for 5 rhythms in Tulsa I immediately signed up and I am so so grateful that I did.

This weekend I found the joy in movement again. The peace that comes from allowing my emotions to rise in my body wherever they feel led and to release them is pure bliss. 

Following my feet as they flutter and twitch and RUN into the free spaces is exhilarating. I learned about trust and love and grace and walking through life with PRESENCE. I observed my old patterns of saying yes and no and felt inspired to practice a new bolder and conscious way to do so. I also found a calling to allow myself to go by my given name.... Angela. I haven't used it since I was very young. But somewhere in this experience, it began to ring true as the purest essence of me. When I call myself Angela I feel my divine feminine shine.

So much there to process.. I could go on for miles of blog space!

Besides these great lessons and personal freedoms, the weekend was also a gift in the connection arena. I witnessed and became a part of a tribe of loving, passionate people that inspire me and give me permission to be my full lovey dovey self. I saw women embrace each other with deep hugs and cuddles. My heart lept with some of the hugs I received and gave back in return. I know to some people it would be too much and in the past I would have felt like my personal space boundaries were being crossed big time. But now, now I feel like I'm home. Home with people like myself that can see and value just how important each one of us is on this earth. We truly need each other and I believe we all deserve to feel that beautiful connection of touch and tenderness. 

The connections I made will stay with me my entire life, even if I never see them again. I am grateful beyond words for the opening they helped to create in my life. I am in awe of human love and compassion. I see the miracle of how our bodies hold our painful memories, but that they can be released into pure bliss if we will only listen deeply enough. The gratitude I feel for the loving soul that witnessed and guided that release is beyond measure.

As with all openings and blissed out moments, there is always a period of let down after. A deep sigh and pause. In that pause I feel the familiar voices of "you're not good enough" starting to play in my mind. I listen to them and breathe into the light. Reminding myself I deserved every ounce of beauty and connection I received. A deep restlessness rises at the ache I feel without those hugs the past few days. "Will I find my place soon?" Squeaks out from the tiny girl inside. I hold her close and give her the love she needs. I am nurturing myself but also taking steps to reach out and stay connected to this new tribe. I am asking for what I want and saying yes to the opportunity to be in loving community.

In the midst of this experience I also asked for an end to another love. The limbo was too painful. That chapter of my life will always be viewed with gratitude and love. But I am thankful for the ending. I believe it is clearing the way for a new path to form between us, still full of love but with different boundaries. 

Today as I went for my normal lunch time run I felt all of this shift swirling inside of me. A giant HELL YES to life filled me as I passed strangers and friends. I stopped for a moment to talk with a stranger on a park bench at the river when my higher voice whispered that he needed some light. It was a short convo.. Only a few minutes. I asked if his heart was in need today without a thought to how strange that must sound coming from a stranger. But with wide eyes he said "yes, I'm waiting to hear back on a job and I'm pretty nervous about it". I smiled and wished him the best. He thanked me for the random act of kindness and I went on my way. I know I can't stop and talk with every soul that crosses my path, but when I'm in this place of DEEP YES, my intuition is clear and I KNOW when I am supposed to do it. It brings me great joy to meet people where they are and surprise them with kindness. Sometimes it's more subtle too, like the lady I danced with as we crossed 6th street together. Both of us with our headphones in, shaking our shoulders a little. I smiled and made eye contact as I ran past her and did a little booty shake, high five. She laughed so loud and started dancing herself. Yep that's the kind of stuff that makes me say HELL YES! It's a little crazy and quirky, but it is my spirit shining bright. 

I say Hell Yes to living my life out loud!

Hell Yes to Movement

Hell Yes to Connection

To the divine

To myself

And to others

Hell Yes to Possibility

Hell Yes to Allowing

Hell Yes to endings that make space for new Beginnings

Hell Yes to Receiving

Hell Yes to believing that LIFE IS GOOD!

Happy Toes

I took the day off work today to give myself some much needed self care and extra sleep. 

Waking at 10 am was heavenly. It's the first time I've felt rested at waking in months!! 

It's strange going about the day with all of the quiet. I am consciously choosing to keep it that way. I hear the cars pass by on the street and the clatter of the toy kitty is chasing about the kitchen. The quiet makes space for peace. It settles my always pumping nervous system and calms me. 

I ponder what to do with this day. What does my body and spirit need right now? Joy comes to mind. Joy and laughter and fun. But it also needs release, that is clear too. It needs space to release the pain and grief. 

So that's how it goes.. I am making space for both. For it all. 

As I cook the eggs and wash the dishes sadness fills me. I crave a hug and that familiar feeling of the one I love pull in close behind me and kiss my neck. I put my arms around myself and squeeze tight for a moment, breathing in that memory. What a gift that I got to have that experience.. Then and now! The tears fall but I am also grateful. 

In the next moment I sit at the table to enjoy this breakfast I've made. I look at my plate and start to giggle. I see the ghost of a chicken staring back at me. We exchange glances and then I pluck his eye with my fork. Bwahaha. 

Madness or allowing? I don't know really. I think it's just my way of making joy and light out of the space I'm walking through right now. I do believe I can find joy even in hard times. I think it means trusting and having faith in that thing that has my back. Really believing it's there and watching for the little things that remind me. 

Like an old affirmation note that falls out of the couch cushion as I sit down to read. I'm amused by the toes on one side that match my own peeking out from under the blanket. I flip it over and again I am thankful for the reminder that I am not alone on this day.

Marching Forward

Why does the sound of a heartbeat bring peace?

I find myself in the quiet of my home missing that sound the most. Whether it be the memory of the small thump thump  as one of the boys curled up close for a hug or the memory of laying my head on Che's chest. 

Both memories bring me peace.

The tiny tiny child inside of me is quite sad tonight. She longs for that sound. That memory of being held close and comforted. It honestly is something she did not receive enough of. 

I take a warm bath to comfort her. To feel contact on our skin. I sink my ears below the water and can hear my own percussion of life steadily marching on. I am the mother now, I am the comforter, I am the strong one.

 Love is my guide and it shines light on the path. Keep marching.. One foot in front of the other. Time will make this easier. You will not always march alone. But you are strong enough to do so now. Follow the beat inside... Steady and true. It never stops working for you. 

The way to do is to be

Always we hope

someone else has the answer.

some other place will be better,

some other time it will all turn out.

 

This is it.

no one else has the answer.

no other place will be better,

and it has already turned out.

 

At the center of your being

you have the answer;

you know who you are

and you know what you want.

 

There is no need

to run outside

for better seeing.

 

Nor to peer from a window.

 

Rather abide at the center of your being;

for the more you leave it, the less you learn.

 

Search your heart

and see

the way to do

is to be.

--Lao Tzu

Wait

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope,

for hope would be hope for the wrong thing.

And wait without love.  For love would be love, of the wrong thing. 

Yet there is faith.

But the faith and the hope and the love, are all in the waiting.

And the darkness shall be the light and the stillness the dancing. 

                                             T.S.Elliot

Saying Yes

This week has been filled with a new challenge for my oldest son. He is
struggling with school for the first time in his life. I guess this is common in 6th grade!

We have spent every evening combing through old and new assignments,
dividing, multiplying, practicing Chinese and learning how to plot latitude
and longitude locations on a globe. Good fun stuff to learn, but not so easy when you are anxious, rushed and feeling like your whole world is collapsing.

I could see the shame in my sons' eyes each night as we struggled through
the pile of work he has allowed to build up around him over the past few weeks.

I noticed myself saying things like....

"you're going to have to start paying more attention"
"why didn't you ask for help?"
"What did the teacher say about this? and when there was just a look of
horror in return... "oh son" with a deep sigh

I caught myself saying internally

"no, no, no, this isn't happening. How did my straight A student suddenly start failing all of his classes?"

I don't think it is a coincidence that this is happening right in the middle of my process to let go of a two year relationship and rebuild my connection to my own love.

In that rebuilding I am finding that the secret tool seems to be ALLOWING
WHAT IS HAPPENING and LOVING MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT I"M EXPERIENCING

and from that place of love, the shifting happens naturally.

It's when I try to FORCE myself to change that things fall apart.

The words ENOUGH and EMBRACE hold my left and right hands.

I am* enough*. My life has *enough*. and if I *embrace* every part of myself and my circumstances, I feel at peace.

Yesterday afternoon as I walked to the courthouse to pay a speeding ticket,
I noticed a similarity between my son and I.

I felt little knots building in my stomach as I walked through the x-ray scanner at the police department.

My hands trembled as I lifted my wallet and insurance verification out of my purse.

"Oh Angie. You know better than to speed through a construction zone. What
is WRONG with you? You can't afford this ticket. Why or why did you not pay
better attention that day?

The thoughts continued as I walked back to my car and then I had another thought.

What if I could find a way to be grateful for this experience?... right now!

If I really believed everything I've been practicing, then damn it, there had to be a way to be thankful in this moment.

How could I say YES to THIS?

And then I saw it. Clear as day. The parallel. My own inner critic bashing
me for a simple mistake that 99% of us all make at some point in our lives.
And if I continued to bash myself it could ironically lead to making the very same mistake. If I filled my mind with negative self talk on the drive home, I would be distracted again and might just find myself speeding along and pulling over for yet another ticket.

I also considered the idea that the money I just paid, was going to be used for the police department which protects me and my family. Yes it hurt to pay it. But the realization that the sacrifice of forking over money would be a constant and strong reminder to not make the same mistake going forward. Like a finger in the fire, consequences can be helpful.

And most importantly I gave myself some grace. I put the ball bat away and lovingly told myself "you are enough. You made a mistake. Learn from it and move forward. Let it go and do better next time"

As I picked up the boys that night, I told them we were going to have a celebration.

My son looked at me with a puzzled expression, expecting it to be another
night of hashing out homework at the kitchen table instead.

I told them we were going to celebrate ENOUGH. That we were going to say
"Yes" to being imperfect and messing up and learning lessons.

We enjoyed a dinner on the patio of a local restaurant and watched the birds fly in formation into the setting sun. I told them the story of my speeding ticket and the truth I had seen. I apologized for being critical.

We talked about doing better.. but out of love and not forced will. I told them I believed in them. That I would always have their back and provide the consequences they needed to keep learning lessons in life. The consequences aren't going anywhere, but my critical voice and attitude is
going in the dumpster.

We went home to finish our celebration.

I wanted to have cake with candles, but knew time was limited. So instead I
spelled out the word Yes with some old birthday candles in the half eaten
loaf of banana bread. It wasn't perfect. But it was enough. We all blew out
the candles together and I smiled deeply with my whole body. These kids
knew their mom had their back in that moment and I knew I had my own back
too. I felt a little hug from the universe.

I think the world is full of messages of "you'll never be good enough" and
God knows they get reinforced at school and work. I believe we all need a place and people in our lives that we know without a doubt love us no matter what we do.

I really hope my kids feel that place is at home and that they can learn to give that gift to themselves as well.

You and I are the answer

If you are falling... Dive

Find a place inside where there is joy,

And the joy will burn out the pain.

Life has no meaning.

Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life.

It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.

Joseph Campbell

Enough

My own embrace is enough

It is more than enough

I am surrounded and filled with more than I could ever appreciate fully

Love is enough

I am enough

For Poppy

“What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us.”

 

- Marianne Williamson

 

Dear Poppy,

It’s important to be nice to others, to offer a helping hand, to show compassion and love freely.

But if someone doesn’t accept the gift we have to offer, it really isn’t about us.

I know it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like there’s something wrong with YOU.

But sweet girl, that is not the truth.

You are awesome and the compassion you show the world is incredible.

We have so much to give.

But from now on, when we open our hearts to someone and our love is not acknowledged (or even flat out refused),

we’re going to do something different.

We’re going to turn that love around and give it back to ourselves.

We will soak in the goodness they are missing out on.

No more asking (begging) for the love, respect and attention we deserve.

 

Love me,

The Strong One

Break on through to the other side

Last night I had a breakthrough.

 

For months I have been aware of what I refer to as a black hole of need inside of myself.

 

It feels lonely, empty and deep.

 

Throughout my life I have either tried to fill this hole with people, food, sex, alcohol, ____, work, etc. or distract myself from believing it exists.

 

The hole screams out to me when I am physically alone…when I walk in the door to my home and there is no sound but my own breath.

 

Last night as I prepared for bed, the same eerie silence filled my room.

 

Instead of hiding from the aching feeling, I lit a candle, burned some incense and took a seat on my yoga mat.

 

I sat with the feeling and allowed them to come up fully

 

Tears and a deep feeling of shame arose.

 

 

I watched the thoughts as they came and went and my body grew heavier and heavier as time passed.

 

And then a voice came that I know well…. That healthy and wisest part of me.

 

She said “what do you long for right now? In this very moment what do you long for?”

 

My initial reaction and thought was “connection”

 

And then!

 

“Wait no, in this very moment, right now, I don’t long for anything. I am calm and peaceful and full of energy. I can feel my connection to the earth beneath me and the connection to the air in the breath that fills and leaves me. I am in constant change and connection, like the clouds in the sky and I am at peace. I long for nothing”

 

And then I cried with Joy!

 

It felt like crossing the finish line of a healing marathon.

 

In my mind, I have known this place of peace exists and I have hedged all of my bets on it. But last night I finally experienced it on a FEELING level in every cell of my body.

 

The moment has passed and of course I have not been able to completely hold onto that same peace in every moment since then. I don’t think that’s how life works.

 

I think it is a practice to keep returning to that still place inside and trusting in it.

 

I think it takes action to find rest.

 

My heart does long for connection to other souls as well, but I know that first I must be filled with this connection to the divine.

 

I am thankful for a path to that connection.

 

I am thankful for an experience I can use to remind myself in moments of darkness.

 

I am thankful for this path I am walking right now.

 

As uncomfortable as it is to say no to the things that feel easier and immediately satisfying, this new path of true connection is wider and deeper than I ever imagined possible.