Broken pieces

"We go back... And back.. And back.. Through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us." Melody Beattie

Melody Beattie is one of my heroes. I have never met her but read many of her books. When my life is hard I often think about the trials she endured and remember it could always be worse. But she gives me hope. She found her way through tragedies unimaginable to most. And she used them to grow and help other souls along the path.
Today I'm back to violently shifting moods. I wonder if its hormonal, a vitamin issue, the lack of time with Che, shadows rising, loneliness or a combination of everything. It's extremely frustrating and makes me feel unsafe to be alone. How can I trust myself when myself is shifting so strongly hour by hour?
I take time to breathe.... Breathe in the light, breathe in my healthy adult, breathe in Angelica (the spirit that protected Poppy), breathe in archangel Michael, and tonight I took a good look at the beautiful moon overhead and breathed in some of her energy as well. It calms me for a moment. The emotions soften and I feel like me again. But I'm left with the destruction they've caused and it tears my heart in pieces.
I know I'm going to get through this, learn from it, all that, but I'm so tired of climbing this mountain. I long for a peace that lasts. For clarity that will allow me to trust myself again.
Hope tells me it will come. To let go of the reins a bit and go for the ride. It will all be ok. I don't have to be perfect, no one else is either. But how do I keep my priorities and go for this ride? I have to create safety and a loving home for my boys. I honestly don't know the answer except to do the best and choose in their favor at every moment I can. And when I am alone, take care of myself, write, rage, do whatever is required in that moment. Most of all I must never give up or see myself as completely broken. I'm just on a journey to find my missing pieces and put them back together again.

Embracing 2013

2012 was a BIG year full of changes, accomplishments, failures, adventures and lessons learned.

The high moments were over the top, pinch me good…

Giving and Receiving Love and Acceptance with Che

Seeing Florence and the Machine in Kansas City and

being 10 rows from Roger Waters and the Wall

Running my first 5k, 10k, 15k and Half Marathon

Backpacking with Che through the Ozark mountains and so many other places too

Selling my first piece of art

Capturing beautiful families and raw powerful emotions with my camera

Hiking and Camping with the boys for the first time and seeing my role as their mother shift as they become older

Manifesting new friendships and then watching them appear before my eyes

Rekindling my love for vinyl records

Releasing emotional and physical shame that I never dreamed possible

And seeing the play that has entered my life as a result.. skinny dipping really is as fun as I thought it could be.

Of course there have been low moments as well…

Insecurity that continues to rise

Battling loneliness

Shadows that suck me into the depths and threaten to snuff out my light

Lost friendships

Guilt and Shame from poor choices

And frustrations with difficult relationships.

But through the roller coaster, I can say 2012 really was one of the best of my life. I feel stronger and more confident, physically, mentally and spiritually. In 2011 I joined the one little word wagon and chose Hope to guide me through. Who knew that would be the year I would get divorced and have to rely on that simple idea to find my way. It guided me and sparked my light to live for myself and for my boys. As 2012 neared Che entered my life and a new focus began. Letting go is what he called it and I let the idea slip into my heart like a missing puzzle piece. I knew I had to step out of the bubble I had been living in for so many years and learn a new way of being - One that allowed me to be simply me with full acceptance. That acceptance continues to be one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.

As 2013 approaches I foresee a year that is less about letting go and more about embracing. They are really two sides of the same coin, but I want to focus this year on taking action. On being true and firm in my power to love. I want to embrace the everyday moments that come along with a peace and clarity that will create an easier ride for the journey. I know my emotions will continue to ebb and flow but I hope to find a way to allow them, honor them but not let them rule me. I believe the key is going to be in embracing them along with my inner passengers and shadows. Instead of hiding from the parts of me that I wish I could pretend don’t exist, I will embrace them with love. I will find the gift each one has to offer and make amends for the hurts they have caused in the past. I think everything has led me to this point in the road. Every challenge that I have overcome has given me a little more strength for the journey ahead. I have big dreams and I’m ready to embrace them fully and do what it takes to make them succeed.

Brave night

"Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away or become something better. It's about befriending who we are already. It starts with being willing to feel what we are going through. It starts with being willing to have a compassionate relationship with the parts of ourselves that we feel are not worthy of existing on the planet. If we are willing through meditation to be mindful not only of what feels comfortable, but also of what pain feels like, if we even aspire to stay awake and open to what we're feeling, to recognize and acknowledge it as best we can in each moment, then something begins to change." Pema Chodron


Staying brave today.

Running my hands along the walls of my heart searching for the light switch.

It's there and I will find it.

But while I look I'm befriending the part of me that lives in this
dark and dreary place.

She looks a lot like someone else I know...

That I have judged for choosing to stay in the dark

I rage against her hopelessness

But can see the same defeat in my own eyes

The overwhelm of generations of hurt and pain left uncleared

I can love all of these reflections without joining them in their gloom

I let go of trying to understand what is happening to me..

why I am in this place

Instead I allow the grief to wash in and out of my heart.

It has no words

Only waves of intense energy

Like a mermaid on the bottom of the sea I watch the waves crash over and over and keep my eye on the moonlit sky above

Once the dark night has passed and the waves are done crashing I will lose this tail and walk on dry land again with the sun on my face

But until I allow myself to be immersed in the waves of that dark and dreary place I will not be able to call this shadow a friend.

The goal is wholeness, not happiness

Though I have hope they will come together in time.

Hand in hand I will walk with her, with us, and we will find joy in the light.

We are not crazy. We are not alone.

For weeks now the longing in my heart has been intense. Old insecurities are showing their ugly heads and I have felt tired and dull.

I know something internal is off. Over the weekend I tried meditating and connecting with my girls. Afterwards I felt more centered but I had gone too far. Tried to integrate them both without enough groundedness and my inner girls starting fighting for front and center. I felt like I was slightly losing my mind. I put them back in their corners and decided to take that process a little slower.

Yesterday I ran across a post that talked about longing and how it is a gift. If we always felt comfortable we would never change. I know it seems simple, but for some reason it shifted my perspective.

Instead of seeing myself as broken, I saw myself as a soul on a fantastic journey.

My fire has not burned out. It is brighter than ever and screaming at me to not settle. The longing I have been feeling is divine. It is a place to begin and a call for more love and light. It is an invitation to heal and change. Even though the internal pain is deep and hard and feels almost unbearable, I welcome it as the gift it truly is.

I am so incredibly thankful for this shift in perspective. I often feel like a total loser when I’m in this off place. I have this theory that only joy and happiness is attractive and that I am repelling everyone around me when I’m contemplative, serious or depressed. I worry that everyone is tolerating me when I get to that place. I do still think it’s easier to be around people that are “up”, but I also know that we all go through times like this.

One of the reasons Che and I work so well is that he completely understands that when I’m in that place, the only thing he can do is share my space. He sees the internal battle inside of me, wanting him to rescue me, but wanting even more to fight for myself and use my own power to find my way. He walks beside me with a smile and I know he loves me even when I can’t see my own light. I do the same for him and it works so well.

So I decided last night after the boys were down and the house was quiet that it was time to do some deep self care and meditation again. I found a recipe for a detox bath. The amazing smells of ginger, angelica, lavender and rose oil relaxed my body so deeply. It was incredible. I went to the only meditation I know, following my breath. It is amazing what 15 minutes of focusing on breath will do. The fog cleared and I found my center. A few words came from a higher place and focused my mind.

“we are love”
“we are peace”

This morning as I ponder this all, I am reminded of the research that Dr. Emoto did with words and water crystals. I own all of his books and find them fascinating. I don’t know if his research is 100% accurate, but I do believe that our bodies are affected by the words and energies directed at them, both from other people and especially from ourselves.

Today I find myself riding the familiar emotional waves. Fighting the same insecurities and trying with all my might to just be. Here. Now. This breath. Just be. Let go of worry. Love myself. Love others and just be.

But it is hard my friends. I sat and watched the crowd during lunch with a friend. How many of us are unsettled. How many of us are wearing fake smiles, covering our wounds with business or alcohol. There has to be an answer. I know it. I looked at my friend and posed the same question to her. I asked if our meeting had helped her in any way and she said “yes, it helps to know I’m not crazy or alone”. I agree. It does help.

But as I come back to my desk I am made aware of the awful news that is permeating the air waves right now... a shooter in Connecticut has killed a room of innocent Kindergarteners. The tears fall and my soul aches. How can this happen? I don’t know. I feel sadness surrounding me right now but hope as well. Hope and peace are waiting. Even in the worst circumstances they are waiting with love and light. I cannot listen to the news for it is far too traumatizing. Instead I pray for all of them, for all of us. That we will find our way through the dark and back into the light.

Truth

"If we were all to sit in a circle and confess our sins, we would laugh at each other for lack of originality." Kahlil Gibran

I've experienced something similar and I have to agree. After we shed the tears and shame, we all had a great laugh at the ridiculous weight we had all carried. At the core we are all so similar. There is something very comforting in that fact. That we are not alone, even in our mistakes.

Letting the Light in

Things are still a bit disjointed over here, but I’m pushing forward and embracing the light wherever it finds me.

This place I’m in makes it difficult to write.. but I still feel the need to get these thoughts out there.. even if they are a tangled mess that don’t make sense to anyone but me. I know someday, years from now, I will look back at this. I will remember the mixture of joy and confusion I was feeling and be grateful that I chose to write it all anyway.

So here it is.. the random things running through my brain day and night.

Christmas – how it feels so different since I let go of religion. I struggle with how to celebrate with my children without getting caught up in the commercialism. I want our holidays to be focused on “togetherness” instead.

Gifts – I love to give handmade heartfelt gifts, but have had a lack of creativity this year. It’s frustrating. I’m procrastinating and not sure I will be able to get it all done. I guess this is another letting go thing, but it makes me sad

I miss running… and warmer weather. The cold makes me grumpy and unmotivated. I’ve got to find a new routine and remember that warmer days will return again. I am also still trying to figure out if I can run a marathon on my own or just wait for my friends to join me later in the year.

Disappointment is a mind set. I have a pattern of receiving a little “bad news” and allowing it to destroy my hopes and dreams. Obstacles are to be expected. They are challenges to overcome, not dead end streets.

Trying to find the balance between looking forward to things without allowing my happiness to be determined by them. Live for today… always. Hope for tomorrow, but live like today is my last. I know the reason why I struggle with this and I will find a way through it. New perspectives are needed I’m sure and a whole lot of gratitude.

I’m tired of feeling lonely and disconnected. I have more friends and family than I can count. So why oh why do I constantly feel separated and alone? I am grieving for the loss of some very dear friends that I am no longer close to. But I am also surrounded by more love than ever before.

I know it is possible to be at peace in the midst of uncertainty and not give up hope. I have come so far in this area already in my life. But obviously I have more to learn. I’m pretty sure the trick is finding a way to laugh at it all.

Working on integrating poppy and my teen (Arin). Trying to rush that process in one meditation session created a slight madness that I’m not ok with. This will take time and patience. But it will happen and I’m thankful for the connections I do have with them now.

I’m excited for tonight! The boys are back home and we are starting the first of many of our Christmas traditions. Tonight we decorate the tree while watching elf. I’m making pancakes and yummy bacon (because we love syrup just like Elf). The boys love this tradition and I know that within a few years they will outgrow it. So tonight I’m savoring this time with them.

Life is a ride for sure. We will always have personality flaws to fix or trials to conquer. But when it comes down to it, we have so much to be happy about. Whatever we are facing, it could always be 100 times worse. I don’t think that means we should dismiss the feelings of anger or sadness that come up. Running from them and squashing them only produces shame. Instead I think we need to sit in the dark with them and allow them to overtake us even if it is only for a moment.  Once those feelings are heard and released we can truly let go of them. Maybe it doesn't work for everyone, but that is the only way I have been able to let go of fear and allow the light into my soul.

Loneliness vs. Alone

I have so many different personalities in me and I still feel lonely. Tori Amos

This weekend I took a road trip with the boys to Dallas to visit family I hadn’t seen in months. We stayed with my dad and stepmom and got to see my sister and brother and all of their crew.

I watched as my family did it’s typical get together thing. We gather into moving groups, catching up, giving the high spots of our lives and trying to appear like we all have our shit together. I do believe that some of it is genuine but mostly I feel like we are all broken. We are hurting so deeply and can’t seem to figure out how to lean on each other to get the love and grace we need from each other. It makes me weep. There is a very uncomfortable silence that sits between us. I have managed to break that silence with my siblings. I have chosen to be real with them and let them see the real me under the masks and in return their walls came down and gave me a peek into their worlds as well. It is so rare that we get to do this though. I can only count a handful of times with each. We are all horrible at staying in touch unless we can see each other in person.

But the one thing I saw so clearly this weekend is how powerfully toxic shame can be to the human soul and to family. It causes addiction, violence, isolation, and huge egos that have to be fed in order to stay in some sort of functional state with other people. We are all the same, we just play the game and comfort our wounds in different ways. And those band-aid behaviors are usually in conflict with the behaviors of the people we love most. Instead of seeing each other as mirrors to our own pain, we judge and lash out. We defend our way, think ourselves better and continue the cycle that separates us.

As I sat and watched this all unfold before me I wanted to scream out and I have to admit that I found myself falling into the pattern again too. But I wanted so bad to lift the veil over the eyes of my loved ones and allow us all to see each other without the masks, the addictions and false smiles. I believe family should be the place where you can lay all of that down and just be. Where you are loved just because you are you, no questions asked. You are accepted, fully and without judgment. It’s what I hope to give to my children and I still have hope that my own family can someday become that place for me. I love them all dearly and am choosing to let go of the past hurts and fears. I hope they can do the same. And I really hope with all of my being that we can all do the internal work we need to do to release the shame. Because until then, none of us will get there. The shame tells us we are not worthy of anything good, especially love and connection. Until we can release that belief, we will continue to follow the same cycles because we will not believe we are worthy of anything else.

I was already a bit wiped out going into the trip, but today I just feel so so tired. Tired to the bone. My energy is low and I’m trying desperately to find equilibrium again.

I think the solitude of my life is really beginning to get to me. The weeks I have the boys I spend a lot of time going through the paces on my own. Cooking, cleaning, helping with homework, disciplining, and trying to throw in a little fun and games too. But it feels like it’s all on me and I can’t stop or everything is going to fall apart. I guess technically I’m not alone, but it sure feels like it. I never saw myself raising children alone, just wasn’t in my paradigm. But life has done it’s thing and here I am. It’s not that I feel like a victim of this life…. No, I chose this road knowing it would be difficult. And I still believe that we made the best choices given the circumstances… but it’s just hard right now.

The whole thing makes me ponder the balance between loneliness and companionship. I know that we have to be able to stand on our own before we can ever think about having a healthy relationship with someone else. But I also know that companionship is a necessary part of being human. It’s a fine line between needing and wanting to be with someone. I have to keep a hawk eye on that part of me that starts any kind of “need” based behavior. It’s always a warning sign that something is off and needs healing.

I know there is a link in here that has to do with shame. I “know” in my head that I’m worthy of a great life and love and connection that fulfills me. But my inner selves still need healing to get there. Part of the ache of loneliness is the company of the self. If you don’t like yourself, well that makes being alone kind of shitty to say the least. I will get there, I know it. And I have a wonderful man who has continued to walk through life with me accepting me at every stage. In many ways he feels like home to me now. He is my place to rest my head, to just be and know I am loved fully. Our lives will soon be intertwined more and more and I look forward to the days of having him near me so often. I never want to take him for granted or take advantage of his love.

This whole post is probably disjointed and a maze of emotions and ideas, but it is what it is. It is me today, trying to sort through the pieces and make sense of the ache in my heart. But hope is singing softly in the background. She is not gone, she is just waiting for me to remember the light that burns inside of me and hold onto it once again.

You wonder why...

The same scenario plays out over and over..

A whispered "I love you"
Followed by "why"

That why used to make me flinch inside

Feel like I had to prove my love

Now I see its just your way.. Probably your kid poking at me trying to get a reaction

Or maybe you really wonder why

I don't know and it doesn't matter

What matters is that you know

You really know how much you mean to me

It's not the things you do

It's not the things you don't do

It's just you

And me

And together we create a beautiful mysterious light that no one can deny

I think the key is that we each found our own lights first

But together they are like mirrors bouncing off of each other creating an infinite reflection of acceptance and grace

What a gift

Thank you

Thank you for all the sacrifices you
made to get to me

Thank you for being true to the man you knew you could be

Thank you for growing with me this past year and showing me how good things could be

And thank you for making me soup. It's a little thing that meant so much to me.

I love you baby.

We did it!

This past Sunday I finished my first half marathon. It's funny I've been training for it so long now, that I can't remember when I wasn't in training mode. But it's done and I surpassed my spoken goal and even accomplished my secret "I hope I can really do this goal". I ran the whole thing.

I honestly think the hike with Che at Devil's den the week before is what allowed me to push that edge and finish where I wanted. It built new muscles and showed me I'm stronger mentally than I believed before. It's interesting to me how much running is truly a mental exercise. At the Tulsa Run I completed 9 miles and I was so ready to be done when I saw that finish line. But at this race I looked down and noticed I was almost to 12 miles before I hit a wall. I kept playing a little game with myself along the way telling myself I was going for 26.2 so when I got to 13 I was really only half way done. I don't know if it worked or not. But I made it and that's what matters. I am so grateful to my friends Courtney and Claudia for training with me on so many lunches and becoming great friends along the way.i believe those connections are what gave me the strength and accountability to make the goal as well.

The other thing I've noticed and appreciate about the sport is how encouraging runners are to each other. Out on the races we cheer each other on.We smile, joke and help each other to the finish. It has created an inner cheerleader that I find I am using more and more often in all kinds of situations. On the big hike with Che I found myself saying aloud "we can do this." "We're gonna kill this mile" "let's do this". And when I'm having a hard day at work or with the boys, the same voice is showing up. It's a welcome replacement to the critical slave driver I've had for so many years.

So now I'm pondering whether I'm ready to make the plunge and go for the full marathon. My heart and spirit say "yes!!!" And my body is saying "hmmm... Maybe" All I know is that I was a little sad when the marathoners took off on their own path at the race on Sunday. We had shared the road the first 13.1 and when I was pulling in to the finish they still had the same distance to go again. I watched them go.. Shouted a few good lucks and told myself that would be me soon.

Light

I keep my eyes fixed on the sun.

Even on a cloudy day.....

Things I learned hiking 16 miles in the Ozark Mountains with 40 pounds on my back

This weekend Che and I hiked the Butterfield trail through Devil’s Den State Park and the Ozark National Forest. It was our first trip taking packs to carry enough gear to stop overnight and camp. The trip tested our endurance to be sure and taught me so many lessons.

Buy good equipment. Period. New technology is lighter and more efficient and way worth the cost

Don’t take more than you NEED! Leave the makeup at home. You’ll never miss it.

Beef Jerky, Almonds and Craisins are super yummy and give tons of energy (The Freeze Dried meals aren’t bad either)
I have a survivalist buried deep in my psyche. She had a blast proving how tough and wise she could be. She can’t wait to show off her new firewood splitting skills to the boys someday.

I also have a scared little girl buried too. Of course I already knew about her, but had to remind myself many times to take care of her and not push her too hard.

Che and I make a great team and I know without an inkling of a doubt he has my back, always. We have an amazing ability to divide and conquer and come back together again. Even through some crazy stressful moments, our love and respect for each other never faltered. We hinge so well together.

Finding the balance between using willpower to get through a rough patch of road and pushing too hard is difficult to find. Pacing and breaks are necessary, not luxuries.

Comfortable silence is one of the greatest gifts of love.

Dryer lint makes amazing fire tender. I will bring it with me on every hike now.

Clean mountain air and crisp cool spring water are gifts that I take for granted in the city.

Walking through trees is my favorite form of meditation right now. Steady steps and breath lead me along the path. The sounds of leaves crunching beneath my feet, drown out the racing thoughts. And thoughts of gratitude are light enough to rise to the surface.

The smell of burning cedar is intoxicating.

When you’re traveling five miles in the rain with mud caked to your boots, hands frozen like ice and a pack drilling into your shoulder and hips like a dull knife blade, cuss and laugh. They both help. But if you tell the fucking birds to shut up and stop being so chipper, they will only sing louder. Che tested that one out and it sent me into hysterics.

Respect and honor Mother Nature for the gift and terror that she is, for she is truly both.

Pause and take in the beauty that is around you. Even though we spent over 24 hours in the woods, I still wish I had done this more.

Gratitude is the way through…. It raises our mood, lifts our spirits and gives us energy to get through the current and future trials.

I am beyond grateful for this adventure….

For this beautiful park to explore

For the park rangers that created the trail that kept us safe in an inhospitable place

For the fellow hikers we met along the way

For the water in the creek bed

For the cedar trees that provided shelter and energy for our fire

For the rocks that provided boundary for our fire (I found myself chanting sweat lodge words.. thank you grandmother, grandfather as I placed them around the fire pit)

For warm food and hot tea on a chilly morning

For the rivers and roads that provided boundary for our wanderings

For the blue diamonds showing us the way (I even kissed one when we found it after getting off the path)

For Che – so many things I love and adore about you. You alone are a gift and I will do my best to never take you for granted. Thank you for walking along side me, for looking in my eyes when I was scared and telling me you loved me, for making shelter that kept us safe, for making me stop and rest, for leading us along the path and for making me laugh when we needed it most. I love you.

Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong....

I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end - we don’t. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing that you just can’t know it all. You know, life’s funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong....

Why I run...

I booked myself up this weekend and most of the activities were slightly out of my comfort zone, two solo photo shoots, my first 15k run and first roller derby practice. Individually they would have been manageable but piled up together I was left feeling run down and tired instead of refreshed and full of energy for the week.

And then the tide hit this morning. Wave after wave of stressful events poured over me in a matter of hours and I felt like I was drowning. A broken heater, a sick child that I cannot physically comfort right now, a broken car, a lost badge...

Wait.. breath.. but.. breath… no.. breath.. grrr. Breath..shit.. breath… help…

I thought back to the last mile of the race I ran over the weekend. My ankles and knees were burning. My lungs were on fire from the cold air, gasping for air. I reached into my pouch for one last energy chew and a final swig of water. “You can do this Angie. You’ve trained for this. This is the moment you’ve been working so hard for. Don’t push too hard but keep going. Stretch your legs and fly. You’ve birthed two children. You can do anything you set your mind to. Let go of the pain and run with every ounce of energy you have.” And it worked. I made it across the finish line achieving the goals I had set for myself. Run the whole race and finish 15k under 1:35. (finished in 1:33!!) That snickers bar at the end was the best of my life.

Part of my letting go journey is not freaking out when stressful events happen. Once again I had the gift of watching Che live this out over the weekend. Sunday evening we hit a deer as we were driving with two of his boys on a country road near Drumright. It could have been a horrible accident. But Che was calm and collected and swerved in time so that the deer hit the side of the car instead of the front. He got out to check on things just in time to see another one hit just a few moments later. Thank goodness no one was hurt and my car only has a slight dent on one side. He got back in the car and continued on after making sure everyone was ok. My hands were shaking and the whole thing triggered a sense of dread that we were going to die in a horrible car wreck that night. I looked at him and asked how he could be so calm after that. He just shrugged and looked at me with a smile. But what I sense from him is “No need to stress it. It’s over. Everyone’s ok. So why worry about it now. Let’s just enjoy this moment we’re in now”

Living in the moment is such a freeing experience. It is a gift to ourselves and everyone around us. During the stressful times we do what we have to do to get through them. We accept them, stand up and make the hard choices, push through the resistance, get help when we need it and give everything we have. I think it helps to laugh about how crazy they can be too. Humor always helps. But the real lesson for me here is for the moments after the trial. Take a moment and really enjoy that snickers bar. Smile and laugh and pat yourself on the back for getting through it and then let it go.

I think it's also important to be grateful for the energy chews that get us through the stress. While this weekend was full I had the pleasure of connecting with many friends, and as I've talked about so many times before, connection is my energy source for life. I am grateful to my friend Written for allowing me to shoot the Poetry rally Friday night. Watching the inspiration on Airik's face at his first spoken word event was great and it was an honor to capture the raw emotion that evening. Laughing at Dylan in the haunted forest and seeing how much he trusts and loves his dad made me love them all that much more. Seeing (and hearing over and over) the excitement in Timmy as we approach Halloween and he finally gets to be the dark angel he has talked about for months, Che making me bacon before AND after the race on Saturday. Feeling the love that rests in their home and knowing that soon it will be my home as well. Honest and bold conversation over coffee with my dear friend Heather. And being witness to the love of another imperfect family finding their way the best they can and asking me to capture a few hours of their time. Life really is beautiful.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes

Dear Jim,
You've done it again.
Thanks. Just what I needed to remember today.

Love,
Me

“I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. If you could, you would see just how beautiful you are, and the extraordinary miracle of being you. If you could climb inside of me right now and feel what I feel for and about you, you would know you are accepted and loved… all of you… just the way you are, and you would never again doubt your worth or your place in this world. Don’t confuse the word “acceptance” with “tolerance.” It’s not that you are a tolerable you. You are that priceless piece of art, that song that brings tears to your eyes, that sunset that moves you, takes your breath away and satisfies every molecule of your being. I don’t “tolerate” you, I dance and celebrate you! I wish right now you could sink down into and bask in the warmth of knowing all that you are.

But you won’t believe this about yourself. Instead, you are seeking worth, love, acceptance, security, peace, worth and happiness out there in the world. So you live in fear.

You fear failure because you have a misplaced dependency upon “success” for value and worth. You fear rejection because you have a misplaced dependency upon others’ opinions and responses to you for acceptance. You fear financial loss because you have a misplaced dependency upon money for peace and security. You fear abandonment because you have a misplaced dependency upon others for love. You fear God because you have a misplaced dependency upon religion that measures your value against your performance. You fear aging or not having the perfect body because you have a misplaced dependency on physical appearance for worth and acceptance. You fear honesty because you have a misplaced dependency on an image of having it all together for a sense of identity. You fear being a nobody because you have a misplaced dependency upon being a somebody for a sense of purpose and meaning and value.

Listen to me. Even if you could achieve all those things, they would not satisfy or fill what you long for. Somewhere out there along the way in your drive to succeed, your game of image management and pleasing others, your dutiful religious obedience, your obsession with losing weight and being thin, and carrying that monkey on your back to be special and significant or at least not found out… somewhere out there along the way in all of that you are going to lose something invaluable… yourself.

Do you get that? You’ll lose you – the you I see right now… the beautiful you, the worthy you, the good you, the loved you, the extraordinary you. Do you see? Even if, by doing all those things, you gained the whole world, you would forfeit you.

I’m going to ask something of you that isn’t going to be easy because it’s going to require you to trust me. Right now you are carrying a story inside your head about yourself that isn’t true, and you’re going to spend your entire life forfeiting yourself and losing your life trying to fight or disprove that story. I’m asking you to start seeing you through my eyes. I’m asking you to be open to the possibility that there is nothing wrong with you and never was. That you have nothing to earn, nothing to prove or disprove, that you can bury that fictitious story, and start living the truth. They say the truth is always better than fiction. See that for yourself. That other story will kill you piece by piece until there’s nothing left. But living the truth of who you are is going to open up a life of possibilities you could have never dreamed and would have never achieved out there chasing the carrot of acceptance.

There’s nothing wrong with you. There is no obstacle to overcome here except yourself. You can do this! You can step into the real story of who you are. Part of the old story is that you can’t. Not true. I wouldn’t have asked if I knew you couldn’t. Sure, it’s going to be a process. You going to have good days and bad days. But then one of those days… somewhere out there along the everyday paths of life when you least expect it… it will sneak up on you and suddenly you will indeed see yourself through my eyes.

Then we’ll both dance.”

- Jesus, Luke 9:25, The Religion-Free Bible

Love you more

You see more than I show

And accept the full vision

Your breath has blown down the internal wall

Kindling the passion that sat waiting to be blown into flame

Your touch

Your kiss

They haunt my thoughts

I pause throughout my day to take a moment and soak in the memory

My heart fills once again

How can I ever let you know just how much I love you?

A quick text

But it's so trite compared to the actual feeling inside.

Another memory fills my mind

Poor choices made that hurt you

I am sorry

Again the words are trite compared to the feeling of guilt and sadness inside.

How could I be so selfish and immature?

I must make amends.

Stand and be true.

Let go of ridiculous habits that lead to hurt.

You are worth it.

My boys are worth it

And mostly I am worth it.

I let go of the guilt and shame and step into the light.

It will guide me and give me strength to find a new way.

Thank you for accepting me and loving me.

Again such trite words.

But they are true and full of gratitude.

I love you.

An afternoon in the park

Spent a little time exploring Haikey Creek park yesterday afternoon. A gorgeous day that called to me and I couldn't say no. Our skin soaked up the last of the warm sun as we played soccer on the fading green grass. I can feel the shift in weather coming. Part of me is sad, will miss the sun's warmth on my skin. But like all things, the cycle of life continues and the beauty of the fall leaves makes me gasp. Thank goodness Roland and I were able to talk Hayden into exploring the woods a little to take in the beautiful views. I learned a new trick for getting Hay on board for our treks through nature. He simply needs a mission. This day the mission was to gather red and yellow leaves (and of course to search for robots, but that's always a given). But that's all it took for him to let go and enjoy his surroundings. Hopefully it will work again next time too.

It's the little things...

‘… and she loved a boy very, very much– even more than she loved herself.’ 

~Shel Silverstein, The Giving Tree

It is Fall Break this week which means more time with the kids. I am amazed each day at the closeness I feel with both boys. They have reached a point of maturity that allows us to "hinge" together easily most days.

My own transformation has also been causing me to pause at the little moments we share and truly absorb the love that lives in our home.
Roland spent the night with his best friend last night so Hayden and I had the evening to ourselves.
It is so rare to get this one on one time anymore.
We had dinner with Linda and Roland. I love watching him tell his stories to other people and then watching him when I tell stories about him.. bragging on what a cool kid he is. He doesn't like that very much. But I can also see beneath the squirm that deep down he really loves it. That it's filling a deep hole inside of him.
After dinner we came home and made banana bread and hot cocoa from scratch.
While it cooked we did our nightly exercise routine together.
We laughed till we cried and my heart nearly exploded with joy.
He asked if he could sleep in my bed with me and of course I obliged.

We snuggled up and watched a few episodes of "how it's made" before drifting off to sleep.
The night was simple but the little details created a bond between us that will last.
The way he kept adjusting the ipad in bed to make sure I could see the screen.
How he scooted right next to me as we did our sit ups on the floor.
And how I didn't scoot up next to him when we went to sleep. He needs his space and I know it.
Listening to his cute little snore and watching him sleep for an hour before I drifted off myself.
Roland and I have had a pretty easy relationship the past few years. We seem to flow together and don't have to work so hard to be with each other.
But last night I saw that the same is true for Hayden. We are finding our way and it is such a beautiful thing.
I read this quote this morning...
"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice."
This is such a powerful reminder for me as I walk through my days.
I know how hard it is to remove an inner voice that is an echo from the past.

I want my words to my children to be full of truth, love and respect.
I know it's not going to happen 100% of the time but I'll do my best and apologize when I mess up.

I also ran across some parenting advice from Leo Babauta on the Zen Habits Blog. . I think it's worthy of repeating and it's the path I hope to take with my own children.

• Greet your child each morning with a smile, a hug, a loving Good Morning! This is how we would all like to be greeted each day.
• Teach your child to make her own breakfast. This starts for most children at around the age of 3 or 4. Teach them progressively to brush their teeth, bathe themselves, clean up their rooms, put away clothes, wash their dishes, make lunch, wash their own clothes, sweep and clean, etc.
• Teaching these skills takes patience. Kids suck at them at first, so you have to show them about a hundred times, but let them try it, correct them, and let them make mistakes. They will gradually learn independence as you will gradually have less work to do caring for them.
• Older children can help younger children — it’s good for them to learn responsibility, it helps the younger children learn from the older ones, and it takes some of the stress off you.
• Read to them often. It’s a wonderful way to bond, to educate, to explore imaginary worlds.
• Build forts with them. Play hide and seek. Shoot each other with Nerf dart guns. Have tea together. Squeeze lemons and make lemonade. Play, often, as play is the essence of childhood. Don’t try to force them to stop playing.
• When your child asks for your attention, grant it.
• Parents need alone time, though. Set certain traditions so that you’ll have time to work on your own, when your child can do things on her own.
• When your child is upset, put yourself in his shoes. Don’t just judge the behavior (yes, crying and screaming isn’t ideal), but the needs behind the behavior. Does he need a hug, or attention, or maybe he’s just tired?
• Model the behavior you want your child to learn. Don’t yell at the child because he was screaming. Don’t get angry at a child for losing his temper. Don’t get mad at a kid who wants to play video games all the time if you’re always on your laptop. Be calm, smile, be kind, go outdoors and be active.
• When a stressful time arises (and it will), learn to deal with it with a smile. Make a joke, turn it into a game, laugh … you’ll teach your child not to take things so seriously, and that life is to be enjoyed. Breathe, walk away if you’ve lost your temper, and come back when you can smile.
• Remember that your child is a gift. She won’t be a child for long, and so your time with her is fleeting. Every moment you can spend with her is a miracle, and you should savor it. Enjoy it to the fullest, and be grateful for that moment.
• Let your child share your interests. Bake cookies together. Sew together. Exercise together. Read together. Work on a website together. Write a blog together.
• Know that when you screw up as a parent, everything will be fine. Forgive yourself. Apologize. Learn from that screw up. In other words, model the behavior you’d like your child to learn whenever he screws up.
• Patiently teach your child the boundaries of behavior. There should be boundaries — what’s acceptable and what’s not. It’s not OK to do things that might harm yourself or others.
• We should treat each other with kindness and respect. Those aren’t things the child learns immediately, so have patience, but set the boundaries. Within those boundaries, allow lots of freedom.
• Give your child some space. Parents too often overschedule their child’s life, with classes and sports and play dates and music and clubs and the like, but it’s a constant source of stress for both child and parent to keep this schedule going. Let the child go outside and play. Free time is necessary. You don’t always have to be by her side either — she needs alone time just as much as you do.
• Exercise to cope with stress. A run in solitude is a lovely thing. Get a massage now and then.
• Take every opportunity to teach kindness and love. It’s the best lesson.
• Kiss your child goodnight. And give thanks for another amazing day with your beautiful, unique, crazy child.

Untangling the Web of Lies

This blog is my place to work things out in my head.. to ponder.. to let go and to breathe out the mental friction. It is my place to be real and share who I really am in hopes that my words will relate to another traveler of life and provide some hope or guidance for them. This is my place to stand and be true. I am struggling today. Finding the balance between frustration, hope, honest self-reflection, anger, love and peace. I am struggling with a difficult relationship in my life. I want to own my short comings and seek forgiveness for my actions that have hurt them, but I also am tired of feeling like I have to crawl on my knees to try to have a relationship with them. Really sick of that feeling actually. I know love is the way through. Love and forgiveness. I see the gift in the struggle as well. There are many things I can learn about myself.. pointing the way to fine tuning who I am and how I walk through life. I know I have been addicted to both relationships and drama in my past. It is easy to get sucked into them again. So tempting to mull over the broken conversation over and over again in my head. To tear myself apart for the words that hurt them (even though that was never my intention). So easy to tear them apart for not accepting my apology. So easy to fume at the fact that the past is standing like a wall between us... creating a filter of distrust and fear on both sides. So tempting to play he said/she said with a friend to hear those magic words "you didn't do anything wrong".  So easy to say "fuck you. I'm done." and tell myself I will wear a mask of fake kindness for the rest of my days around them. But those are all the easy roads. I tip toe down them and then see my reflection in the puddle of the path. No that is not me. I have to take the hard road instead. Eat my pride. Believe in something bigger. Raise my head and walk the path of love.

My dear friend Jim Palmer posted this the other day. Sometimes I feel like his words are speaking directly from my body.

     “The truth is hidden in a web of lies, and we are adding strands to that web every day,     shrouding the truth further. We have forgotten ourselves to be complete and whole as we are. We have become blinded to the abundance of love, peace and joy that is available in every moment. We don’t know that the air we are breathing contains what our hearts most deeply long for. Instead, we operate in inadequacy, fear, and scarcity. Every day is another episode of Survivor, another episode of the Hunger Games – the world is a dangerous place, people are a threat, someone has to lose in order for me to win… and hoping that with God on our side the odds will ever be in our favor.

This way we are living is broke. I hate to tell you that there is no magic wand or bullet for fixing it. God is not going to change this or rescue us from it. You and I wove this web of lies, and only you and I can undue it, and it’s not going to be undone all at once.Stop participating in the system that doesn’t work! Consider your purpose going forward to be weaving a new reality. Stop repaying evil with evil or insult with insult. In the current system, people tear down each other. We judge, condemn, reject, diminish, slander, gossip, punish, lie, cheat, steal, ignore, ridicule, withhold love and acceptance, and harbor all kinds of resentments against others. If you sow thoughts, words and actions to that monster, one day you are going to be swallowed whole by it.

So where does all this stop? With you! As far as you are concerned, that system is done… as in, gone, dead, finished! Game over! There’s a new kid in town and it’s you, weaving strands of love, peace, kindness, acceptance, generosity, acceptance, goodness, beauty, understanding, empathy, and encouragement. Realize that when others are thinking, speaking or acting in destructive, hurtful, ugly, selfish, and senseless ways it’s because they are lost to themselves and who they really are. So, if you respond in-kind to their way, you are only reinforcing the lie in them and yourself.

The foundation of the new way you are weaving is love. In any circumstance or with any person, you can find your way by asking the question: What does it mean right now for me to be love? Listen to your heart, trust your inner guidance – whatever the answer to that question is for you, weave that strand. And when you do, know that you just made the truth a little more possible, a little more visible, a little more present in our world. The reality is that we got ourselves into this mess. We can get ourselves out of it.”

I am taking Jim's advice and asking that very question. "What does it mean right now for me to be love? 

My heart says.. give it time and space... lots of space. You can't push this one. Trust that in time the wall of the past will fall. Don't give up hope. Don't add to the wall. Send love instead. See how badly they are hurting and send them love. Let go of the anger. Get it out. Scream in the car when no one is around. But direct the anger to the light. It is big enough and strong enough to burn through it with love. Stay true to what you know is the right path for you and be strong in it. You will get through this and love will win even if it just means that you know you have been true to yourself.

Hello darkness my old friend

The bathroom door opens.

A slight smile and eyes dart to the ground.

“Hey how are you?”

Without hesitation

“Good. How are you?”

The unmemorable answer fades as I walk away.

My heart hurts. But why.

“you lied, it says”

“But this isn’t the place for real conversation.”

“If not here, then where?”
“If not now, then when?”
“Maybe you wouldn’t dread this place if you were able to be real”

But honestly….
Do they really want to know?
Do I?

cold hard dirt
disguising layers of life
part of me wants you to peek in and look beneath the cracks
see more than I am willing to share..

the unbound joy
Piercing pain
Light
Dark
Love
Hate
Envy
Peace
Wisdom
Laziness

They are all there and I know they are inside of you too.
Why do we hide them from each other?
Why do we pretend we are fine when we are not?
What would the world look like if we were honest and real?

I know it’s idealistic.
But I’m tired of hiding.
I’m tired of pretending I have my shit together.
I’m also tired of containing the joy when it does fill my heart.

I am erratic.. a roller coaster.. an ocean tide of being.
It makes me feel crazy.
This week has been an epic week of said erraticism.

Darkness, my old friend, paid a visit and tried his best to hide every ounce of light and goodness I know. Felt like a migraine in my soul.
But love called me home and gave me a safe place to land.
Love whispered in my ear and told me “it’s not about the grand things Angie, it’s the little things. The little moments are where hope is born”
Those aren’t the exact words, but it’s what I received into my soul that lit my flame and helped me return to the land of the living.
I hate the dark.
Hate when it takes over me and I can only see misery and pain in this world.
But I know that sometimes we need a test to prove that we really believe our truths.
I no longer feel like a fool for believing in goodness and light.
But I do know that I can’t sum up my beliefs in simple one sentence quips.
Life is murkier than that.
I have to accept that.
Accept that the dark will not go away forever.
He will continue to pay me visits.. test my resolve
But having passed this latest test, I know full well he will have a more difficult time blinding my light in the future.
I am thankful for the dear ones in my life that pulled me up and shared a moment with me.
A sweet smile that shared her own struggle and let me be real about my own.
A loving text that reminded me to do something I love and reach out for help.
Warm arms that surrounded me and held me as long as I needed.
But mostly I’m thankful for the images of my sweet boys’ faces who pulled me back to reality when I needed it most.

I have always seen my life as a path that I had to walk. And with this imagery came the unrealistic idea that I would be able to “get past” things. That I would work through a challenge and then be past that obstacle. But I’m beginning to think of life in a different way. My friend Derek puts it best..
“Life is an ocean, not a path I think. Ebbs and flows. Changes of direction with the tides. Storms alter courses. You’ll find your way again as long as you keep searching for it.”

I see great truth in these words. I feel the ebbs and flows in my soul and it reminds me to just flow with it. The good days and the bad. To take note of the little moments that make my fire burn brighter and use them when darkness comes to visit again.


As I drove to work this morning Simon and Garfunkel's "the sound of silence” came on. A more appropriate song could not have played as I pondered these thoughts. I don’t know if they will speak to you as they do me. But for me it’s on repeat today reminding me to not stay silent. To reach out to the people around me and give support without fear.


Sound of Silence

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walk alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools" said I,"You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, 'The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.

Truth

Beauty is a light in the heart.
Kahlil Gibran

Shooting Shooting Shooting

I can't seem to get enough of my camera lately. I feel really fortunate to have the time and ability to get out and shoot and the weather has been perfect. Here are a few things that have caught my eye lately.

split decision

portal to another dimension?

I see a puppy robot

rusty robot goodness

more robots - standing guard

textured flag

what's behind the matrix?

Choteau Lock and Dam

cool missile anchors

rope robot faces

raindrops that fall like tears

a yellow lady bug? 

romping through the flowers

a sea of yellow flowers

lost bridge