We are not crazy. We are not alone.

For weeks now the longing in my heart has been intense. Old insecurities are showing their ugly heads and I have felt tired and dull.

I know something internal is off. Over the weekend I tried meditating and connecting with my girls. Afterwards I felt more centered but I had gone too far. Tried to integrate them both without enough groundedness and my inner girls starting fighting for front and center. I felt like I was slightly losing my mind. I put them back in their corners and decided to take that process a little slower.

Yesterday I ran across a post that talked about longing and how it is a gift. If we always felt comfortable we would never change. I know it seems simple, but for some reason it shifted my perspective.

Instead of seeing myself as broken, I saw myself as a soul on a fantastic journey.

My fire has not burned out. It is brighter than ever and screaming at me to not settle. The longing I have been feeling is divine. It is a place to begin and a call for more love and light. It is an invitation to heal and change. Even though the internal pain is deep and hard and feels almost unbearable, I welcome it as the gift it truly is.

I am so incredibly thankful for this shift in perspective. I often feel like a total loser when I’m in this off place. I have this theory that only joy and happiness is attractive and that I am repelling everyone around me when I’m contemplative, serious or depressed. I worry that everyone is tolerating me when I get to that place. I do still think it’s easier to be around people that are “up”, but I also know that we all go through times like this.

One of the reasons Che and I work so well is that he completely understands that when I’m in that place, the only thing he can do is share my space. He sees the internal battle inside of me, wanting him to rescue me, but wanting even more to fight for myself and use my own power to find my way. He walks beside me with a smile and I know he loves me even when I can’t see my own light. I do the same for him and it works so well.

So I decided last night after the boys were down and the house was quiet that it was time to do some deep self care and meditation again. I found a recipe for a detox bath. The amazing smells of ginger, angelica, lavender and rose oil relaxed my body so deeply. It was incredible. I went to the only meditation I know, following my breath. It is amazing what 15 minutes of focusing on breath will do. The fog cleared and I found my center. A few words came from a higher place and focused my mind.

“we are love”
“we are peace”

This morning as I ponder this all, I am reminded of the research that Dr. Emoto did with words and water crystals. I own all of his books and find them fascinating. I don’t know if his research is 100% accurate, but I do believe that our bodies are affected by the words and energies directed at them, both from other people and especially from ourselves.

Today I find myself riding the familiar emotional waves. Fighting the same insecurities and trying with all my might to just be. Here. Now. This breath. Just be. Let go of worry. Love myself. Love others and just be.

But it is hard my friends. I sat and watched the crowd during lunch with a friend. How many of us are unsettled. How many of us are wearing fake smiles, covering our wounds with business or alcohol. There has to be an answer. I know it. I looked at my friend and posed the same question to her. I asked if our meeting had helped her in any way and she said “yes, it helps to know I’m not crazy or alone”. I agree. It does help.

But as I come back to my desk I am made aware of the awful news that is permeating the air waves right now... a shooter in Connecticut has killed a room of innocent Kindergarteners. The tears fall and my soul aches. How can this happen? I don’t know. I feel sadness surrounding me right now but hope as well. Hope and peace are waiting. Even in the worst circumstances they are waiting with love and light. I cannot listen to the news for it is far too traumatizing. Instead I pray for all of them, for all of us. That we will find our way through the dark and back into the light.