Truth

Beauty is a light in the heart.
Kahlil Gibran

Shooting Shooting Shooting

I can't seem to get enough of my camera lately. I feel really fortunate to have the time and ability to get out and shoot and the weather has been perfect. Here are a few things that have caught my eye lately.

split decision

portal to another dimension?

I see a puppy robot

rusty robot goodness

more robots - standing guard

textured flag

what's behind the matrix?

Choteau Lock and Dam

cool missile anchors

rope robot faces

raindrops that fall like tears

a yellow lady bug? 

romping through the flowers

a sea of yellow flowers

lost bridge

Birthday Weekend

It's been a whirlwind around here the past few days. Hayden's birthday was Thursday and we've been celebrating for four straight days it seems.

He had a special surprise breakfast with dad Thursday morning before school started and then celebrated with cookies at school with his classmates. Unfortunately he had a bad tummy ache at dinner and had to leave early from the restaurant.

Friday evening we went to the carnival at Jenks and he had fun playing with his friend Jacob. We are really fortunate to have several school friends in our neighborhood and I've enjoyed getting to know all of the parents as well. Jacob is a sweet kid and the boys get along great.

Saturday we all headed to Andy B's for some glow bowling with a few friends from school, along with Justin Steph, Mary, Che, Dylan and Timmy. Hayden helped me make the Jupiter/Moon Mercury cookie cake. I'm sure he had a good time but I think our days of big themed parties is coming to an end. And even though I've scaled way back on my overzealous party throwing ways.. it all still felt like too much. Too much stress and not enough quality time together. But overall it really was a fun time.

Sunday morning we ended up going for a nature hike with Che at Red Bud Valley Nature Preserve. It's about a mile round trip and it is really beautiful. We were disappointed to find out that the caves were closed. Apparently the summer heat caused a lot of distress on the bats and they are doing their best to help them thrive right now. But we still had a fun time climbing around on the rocks and spotting hawks and cool trees on the path. Hayden struggles with these nature walks. He would much rather be home playing video games but I'm trying to introduce the world of nature to him as best I can. I don't want to force it, just expose him to it and hopefully he will eventually pick up on the peace it affords. 

And finally we spent the afternoon doing the final celebration at Nana and Grandad's house. More cake, presents and family. Hayden is truly blessed to be surrounded by so many people that love him.  

 It has been so amazing watching Hayden mature this last year. He has grown physically and emotionally. I know the divorce was not easy on him and he has struggled to gain his ground of security again. But I have seen such exponential growth and courage from him lately. I am proud of him in ways I can't describe and I can't wait to see what the next year brings for him.

Poppy's Bucket List

This week my energy has been somewhere on the scale between zero and going nowhere fast.  I thought it was just a hormone thing or the fact that I’ve been battling a virus, but I could tell last night that it was more than that.

I have been working from home the past few days. So today at lunch I took a little walk with poppy and then sat out on the back porch with her for awhile. She was asleep when I found her. That always scares me because it took me so many years to wake her up the first time. But I did get her up and what I found wasn’t pretty. She was pissed. Pissed at me. Pissed at the world. She felt ignored, unloved, and bitter. I know that she is stuck around four years old and that is such a black/white age. And when she goes black… look out cause it gets black hole dark really quickly.

I have this thing I do with her. I get a notebook out and write her notes. And she writes back to me with my left hand. I think I read about the technique in a book once and it has always worked for us. I often let her draw pictures that way too. Anyway, today we were doing our thing… me telling her I love her and trying to calm her.. and her raging and telling me to F off basically. By the way…That was her first word and she likes to use it.

Eventually I got her attention with a simple question. “What do you want?”

It stopped her in her tracks and she finally listened to me. She was so stuck on being upset that she had forgotten to simply ask for what she wanted.

We took a few deep breaths and then it happened. She really woke up. The energy picked up and I could feel our vibration begin to rise. The ideas poured out of her and now I have a pretty good sized list of stuff she likes. It’s simple really. And the cutesy little girl things honestly make me want to roll my eyes a bit, but there is obviously something to them… Something I missed out on that needs to be enjoyed now. But what I see over and over again and finally got her to admit today is how much she just wants to be loved and cherished.

“I want someone to want me. To talk to me. To KNOW me. I don’t want to be alone. I want to have fun and I’m tired of worrying”

Of course I (the me now) am the only one who can give her what she needs. I know it. I get tired of it honestly… having to be the one to take care of things. It would be so much easier if Prince charming really could ride up in his white horse and take care of it all. But then that would just piss me off, because damn it.. I am the hero of this story!!!  I don’t want some prince to get the credit.

But it makes me wonder how many people have that same longing and don’t see that they are the only ones that can cure it. I think the majority of us are walking around looking for a magic pill that will change everything and give us peace and happiness. It may come in the form of “enough” money, power, adventure, family, security, or friendships. But the truth is that there is no magic pill. Life is going to be a challenge until the day we die and at a moment we could lose everything. The magic really is in the journey.

So for today I’m doing my best to give poppy the love and adoration she deserves. I feel blessed to have many in my life that I get to share love with as well. I am grateful for every one of them. And I hope that I am giving them enough of what they need as well. I have promised poppy to talk with her each morning and evening and work in as many things from her list as we can. I know I have to be the adult here and find a healthy balance. But I’m excited about making time for fun and play in my life. The boys need it and it’s obvious that I need it too.

Poppy's List: Play, Color, Car Ride, Games, Friends, Che, Movie, Park, Swing, Cook, Bake Cake and Cookies, Grow Garden, Sing, Cartwheels, Buy Pretty Dresses, Build Stuff

and of course Take Pictures. 

Stronger than I Imagined

Last weekend I followed through on a promise I had made to the boys at the beginning of the summer.. a camp out. We were bummed to find out that the water slides at All American were closed for the season but decided to do the trip anyway. The weather was perfect and I knew it was this weekend or never this year. We took the back roads to Tahlequah and had a fun lunch at a roadside Drive-in in Beggs.

A great drive with the music up and the windows down was relaxing and just what I needed to get ready for the upcoming 24 hours. Once we got to All American we checked in and met Taco, the cute local weiner dog. We were the only family camping that night so we had free reign to pick our spot. The boys picked a beautiful spot right in between the river and the old go kart track. I have to mention too that the family that runs All American was over the top great. I forgot a few things at home (neosporin, flashlights, lol, lighter fluid) and they were more than accomodating. They checked in on us often and were super helpful the whole time we were there. The place is defiitely in need of some updating, but the friendly staff made up for it.

We decided that it would be a fun adventure to do the float trip down the Illinois River that afternoon too. I was not expecting to do this on my own but decided to do it anyway. We really did have a great time. It was hard work, paddling and pulling our raft upstream. We got stuck on a big stick and had to work together to push the raft off of it. And we had to go on a little trek through the woods when I thought that we had passed our drop off spot. But man we worked together and made the best of it all. At one moment Ro took a break from the paddling, laid back on the boat and watched the hawks flying overhead. He leaned back and said "mom, thanks for bringing us out here. This really is the life". Yeah my heart melted.

Once we finished our float trip it was time to set up camp and get situated for the night. I gave Ro my camera while I got the tent up and he had fun shooting random images from the campsite. I love this pic of Hayden below and wonder if this is a common image for Roland. I love it that Ro has the same robot spotting abilities as me too. :)

Once we got settled we headed back to town for a fun dinner at El Rancho diner. Che and I had been here a few weeks before and I knew the boys would love it. We called in our dinner on the table phones and enjoyed the delicious vanilla shakes before heading back to the campsite for roasted marshmallows.

It was a cool night but we snuggled up tight together in our blankets and sleeping bags and slept great. The next morning we got up and had free reign of the place again. We decided to play a round of putt putt under the water slides before heading home. The bolts and plates holding the structure together really did look like robot faces. We all found it amusing that we were being watched the whole time. The local kitty (which we named Burrito to go with Taco) acted as our living obstacle on the putt putt course too.

A great adventure together and although I was tired from all of the physical activity, I was proud of myself for having the courage to take on such a trip on my own with the boys. I know they enjoyed it as well and I hope we get to do many more trips like this again.

Enough

“There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in

the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks

and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough

fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child

quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you

shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle

of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

This is your awakening.”

Sonny Carroll

My heart is both sad and full of hope today.

It’s a strange mixture.

I am sad because I have had to part ways with a dear friend. It’s complicated and blah but it is what it is. My heart hurts at the loss, feels like a death really, but my heart is also still full of love and gratitude for the moments I shared with her that will burn in my memories forever.

Part of me wonders if there is more going on than is being presented to me, or if this is just the way she handles goodbye… quick and simple… “I don’t want to be friends anymore”.

It seems my mind has processed things much faster than my heart and only time will allow them to see eye to eye. So the waiting game begins and I ride the tide of emotions that come with it.

That’s where the hope comes in.

I am telling myself something I tell the boys often “you won’t always feel this way”.

I know it to be true. Time is the great healer and I know the sadness, anger, confusion and frustration will pass. I have hope that my heart will catch up with my mind and reach the place of acceptance.

This is a pattern in my life. Very close friendships that end abruptly. I see it and feel it deeply and knew immediately last night that there is a karmic lesson here for me. I believe these lessons contnue in our lives with every increasing pain and sacrifices that act as loud sirens to wake up and learn.

So I’m processing all of this through that filter and can see that I am handling this situation a little differently. In the past when I have lost someone close to me, I tended to beat myself up. I would look at everything I did that caused them to leave and then try to justify all of my actions in my own mind or just beat the crap out of myself for being so awful. I clung on, and made the decision that next time I would do better. Be more perfect.

But now I see the truth. Life doesn’t work that way. I am going to make mistakes. And believe me I have. But it’s part of the process. I have to make mistakes to learn. It sucks and there are always consequences for those mistakes. I do my best to stand and be true to my core beliefs daily, but I’m human and screw up. I also try to learn from my mistakes and make adjustments so that they don’t happen again. But sometimes the damage is done, and there is nothing left to do but forgive myself, accept the damage and move on with love. The other side of the same coin is that I cannot control other people. Sometimes things just don’t work out and not everyone is going to love and accept me as I am. That’s ok. It doesn’t change my worth or value. I believe the best thing to do is close the chapter with love and gratitude for the time we shared.

The other lesson in this situation for me is smaller but still significant. In the past I have easily allowed my identity to be determined by the people around me and the roles I played. (Wife,

mother, best friend, girlfriend, etc. ) I was “ok” if I could say I fit ito one of those roles. I judged my self-worth by the value of the people I surrounded myself with. If my kids were behaving, then

that meant I was a “good mother” and worthy. I see now that this behavior is a band-aid for the unworthy issues I still battle. But again, this go round I feel different. I see that my worth is not

determined by anything in my outer world. If I lost everyone and everything I would still be “ok”. It would hurt like hell and take time to heal but ultimately I would be able to pick up and start

again.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this… just trying to process, let go and move on...

I Love You

There is a love

that doesn't require knowing

something about you first.

It has no condition,

has no requirement. 

It doesn't require background,

because it knows and recognizes

you as Love itself." 

Mooji

We will not grow old

Lenka... We will not grow old

You and me will be lying side by side
Forever, forever
Underneath this adolescent sky
Together, together
And you will hold my heart inside your hand
And you'll be the one to tell me

Oh we've got a long, long way to go
To get there
We'll get there
But oh, if there's one thing that we know
It's that we will not grow old

You made me swear that our hearts will never die
No never, no never
'Cause no one seems to believe that we can fly
Forget them, forget them
Oh..you told me

Oh we've got a long, long way to go
To get there
We'll get there
But oh, if there's one thing that we know
It's that we will not grow old (x2)

Oh how could we know that day, it came with age
That oh, the feeling would fade...

Oh we've got a long, long way to go
To get there
We'll get there
But oh, if there's one thing that we know
It's that we will not grow old (x2)

We will not grow old...

Ran across this song the other day and it brings me joy. I can sing it about my guy, little poppy and so many of my friends. I am blessed to be surrounded in life by many other souls that have agreed to stay young in our hearts as long as we are on this earth. 

** and I freaked out when I saw the black hole poppies in the video... knew I loved Lenka **

Seems Like An Awful Waste of Space

 I had the pleasure of watching one of my favorite movies, Contact, with the boys Friday night. A few lines have stuck with me since then and won't stop bouncing around in my head.

"You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other."

"I had an experience... I can't prove it, I can't even explain it, but everything that I know as a human being, everything that I am tells me that it was real! I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever... A vision of the universe that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how ... rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater than ourselves, that we are not — that none of us — are alone!"

I find it interesting how much my beliefs about life have changed from the first time I saw this movie. I remember it striking a chord with me back then, but not fully understanding why. Watching again this weekend I see now that it truly reflects what I believe now about life and the universe. I can't explain or prove anything I believe in my heart of hearts to be true. I just know that I have had experiences that have taken me to a place that changed me fundamentally.

One of those experiences happened at a U2 concert. Bono asked the crowd to send up prayers for Aung San Suu Kyi (yes I had to google her name!) who was under political house arrest. The feeling in the stadium shifted dramatically. All of that energy being focused on one thought was noticeable. It was peaceful and full of love. I looked around me and even with the dark night I could literally see a light inside of each person there. I can't explain what happened to me. But it shifted something inside of me and I expanded. That is when my quest for love and connection ignited. 

I have had several other experiences through PTI and other personal work that were as equally soul shifting. But they all come back to one common denominator for me. That life is about love and that we are all really one. We forget that we are the same, from the same and will return to the same. I think if we could feel that and see that more often the world would look completely different. We are not alone and we are all unique and precious pieces of something bigger than our minds can imagine. On nights when I am physically alone these thoughts soothe my soul and bring me peace. Tonight is one of those nights. The boys are tucked in ready for school in the morning and here I sit on the computer. I miss my guy. Life has thrown so much physical distance between us lately. It can't be helped. But just knowing how much I love him and how much he loves me in return really does make the emptiness bearable.

and just a side note....

after watching the movie Hayden looked at me and said

"I know what I want to be when I grow up now.... 

a wormhole driver...." 

I love that kid.

Gypsies Reunited

Last weekend Che and I celebrated our one year anniversary. I flew from Chicago into OKC where my guy was waiting to whisk me away to the Poison/Def Leppard/Lita Ford concert. It was such a great welcome home! It was hot but so fun to get back to my 80s roots again. Loved the mixture of peeps too.. on one side a 40 something mom rocking with her teenage daughters and to my left a 15 year old girl smitten with these aging rock stars.

Fun times indeed!!

Saturday we decided to take the long way home. We found a little diner for brunch in Guthrie and then stopped to shoot at the different places along the way that caught our eye. 

We found some interesting spots near downtown Guthrie and Che took me to an old abandoned house that he had stopped at the day before. I had a not so fun experience with a spirit trapped on the property and had to take a few minutes to get grounded again. 

Further up the road, near Perry I think, we found another little abandoned house on the side of the road. The trees were incredible and I spent a little time curled up in the branches of one of them. Again I don't quite understand why I love these places so much, but I do and this one was a definite treat.

More things spotted here and there..

an angel at a cemetery and a tanker abandoned on the side of the road. 

Pawnee had a few fun things to shoot as well. I loved the font on the "dream catcher inn" sign and thought it would be really cool to stay at this place someday... just for the heck of it. And poppy fell in love with the little guy in the window below. She hopped out of the car and had to have a picture with him. Silly girl.

We decided to take a little hike down to the Cimmarron river where we spent our first

outdoor date. We took a new route on the other side since neither one of us

had the right shoes for the other trek. It was a long path and a hot day, but I always enjoy these walks. Feels like we could talk (or not talk) for hours. Just being together is enough

and I love him more and more each time.