Delicious Ambiguity

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”

― Gilda Radner


This is definitely the lesson I have been learning about life over the past couple of years. My cancer nature wants security.. The sure thing, retirement money saved, a plan, a stable car, a life long love... it wants to know it will be ok and safe forever. Add my unstable upbringing to that cancer nature and you get a massive control freak. Compassion and a desire to be loved by everyone has given that control freak a passive aggressive and unconscious twist as well.

I see those shadows today so I am shining light on them, making them squirm and giving them love.

The truth is I will always be ok. The light will never leave and that is all I need. No matter what trials this life and future lives may hold, I can choose to learn and grow through all of them with the power and love of light to guide and strengthen me.

Today I lay down my controlling nature. I hug my inner baby girl tight and remind her that I will always take care of her. I forgive myself for being so controlling. I see the fear that triggered that behavior and see it not as an excuse but an explanation. I choose to love myself and those around me and accept that things will change.

I know my nature will keep me steady and providing a safe and steady home for the boys. So today I choose to let go of the reigns a bit. I allow life to unfold as it will and trust that I am strong enough to continue to grow no matter what comes my way. I choose to live in this very moment... Grateful to the point of tears for all the gifts in my life. Today I love and I let go of control.

Gypsy Travels

Catching up on posting pics from our latest gypsy travels. Che found an incredible wonderland near Drumright a few weeks back. I felt like a kid in a candy store exploring the place. It seemed like there was something cool and unique to shoot everywhere I turned. Definitely can't wait to go back and visit again.

I also ran across a place on the way to Dallas. I have a habit of taking wrong turns on long drives and finding crazy places along the way. This is one of those and I practically begged Che to come back with me the next weekend. What we found was an old school and Levi factory and of course a roadside robot. So fun.

Last weekend we made our way to Beavers Bend State Park for some R&R and a little hiking. Unfortunately the hike didn't work out due to a high creek in the path but we still enjoyed getting out and spending some time with the trees. And of course I ended up getting us turned around and going the wrong direction. I'm glad we did though because I found a wonderful little surprise in Heavener that I may just be posting about soon.

Les Miserables

Just finished seeing Les Mis with my guy. A story that I know well but to see it portrayed by such amazing actors and actresses was incredible. Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway were my favorites. The emotion they portrayed felt so real and true it made me wonder what they were drawing on in their real lives.

One of the things I have been working through recently is learning to see the gift in each of my shadows. I see one shadow in particular as hopelessness embodied. She simply wants to run away from everything and cease to exist. It bothers me so much because that is not how I want to live my life. I worked for years to overcome that depressed side of myself and when I feel her rising it causes great panic inside.

But today as I watched Anne Hathaway sing I dreamed a dream the universe gave me a mirror. By no means am I comparing my pain and suffering to that character.. No way in hell. I am blessed and prosperous in so many ways and truly grateful. But this shadow of defeat is still within me and I saw in that mirror today that sadness, hopelessness, frustration and pain can truly be beautiful beyond measure. I weeped as I watched her sing and I felt the crowd in the theater crying along as well. Even if there were no tears, empathy. Pain is something that draws people together. It makes us focus and appreciate each other.

There is a gift in my sullen shadow. She is what gives me compassion for others along the journey. She is soft, so soft she feels flattened. But I know I can work with her to show her the light. I am grateful she is a part of me and I hope to embrace her love well.

In a scene after that song Hugh Jackman picks her up and carries her away to help her. I imagined myself reaching into the tide where my shadow lives and carrying her along the beach. Giving her shelter and warm food. Nurturing her back to health and showing her the light of day. Teaching her to hope again.

But I could not have gotten to this place of accepting these shadow without the help of a few close friends and especially Che. He sees all of my parts.. Watches them shift in my eyes and accepts all of them. That acceptance propels my own acceptance and for that there are no words of gratitude strong enough to cover the actual feeling.

This is going to be a great year. I see a strength rising in so many people around me. A force fueled by love, acceptance and sacrifice. Let it rise.