Brave Love

“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.” Brene’ Brown

I struggle to find words to adequately describe reconnecting with my guy the past few weeks. This will most likely be clumsy and trite compared to what I feel inside. But I must get something down. I choose to let go of finding the perfect sentiments.

My thoughts and words tend to the black and white. The desire to tie everything together like a perfectly written thesis with a clear and resolved ending and moral lesson swirls in my mind. Loose ends and threads of philosophical morality bob in and out, each perspective trying to win the argument.

When I let go of the thoughts, I find my heart. And it feels ablaze with hope. It feels held in a container of grace. It feels seen and loved in return. And that, that is all that really matters to me now.

Some things cannot be explained, only felt.

Like the knowing that comes from looking deeply into the eyes of another soul.

Sometimes that knowing says “I care for you, but you are not meant for me. My heart belongs to another”

Sometimes that knowing says “you are me and I am you. I love you. I am home again”

Vulnerability and grace are the most powerful forces of the human spirit. With vulnerability comes the absolute necessity for courage. Brave expression is required to be fully seen… darkness, light, joy, pain, jealousy, tears, hope, all of it. Running is not an option and running can take many forms.

This journey has been difficult, but it was all necessary. Every moment of pain and grief and hope had to swirl through my heart in order to find the place where I could love myself fully and stop trying to prove to everyone else that I deserved theirs. Am I 100% there? No, but I have made major headway.

Last night, my love looked at me with so much intensity in his eyes and told me “I will give you the love you deserve”. My heart shuttered. It ran a little and then turned back around and peeked back at him. And then I made the choice to stop that old story of unworthiness. I looked at him with matching intensity and said “I will receive it. I will give you the same. I will give you a love that allows you to always feel free and I ask the same in return”.

Because now, after the journey of losing each other, I see it. I see the gift. Sometimes you have to lose something to fully appreciate what you had. And now we both see so clearly that we are meant to walk this road of life together. And we are both on board with showing up fully to make it happen. And the best part is that we are in a much better place inside ourselves at understanding that we fully deserve each other’s love.

I am honored and awe struck at the grace and brave courage I see before me and within me. No more running.. even in small ways. Each of us is giving our all to create something bigger than we can be on our own.

I am humbled.

I am thankful.

I am loved.

Thank you Che.

Thank you for your brave love and grace.

Painting my journey

So much is happening over here. It is difficult to wrap words around the shifts and major life decisions that I am making each day.

Grief, Peace, Bravery and Joy

The past six months have changed me forever.

I have learned how to root my spirit deeply.

I have learned how to listen and follow my heart

Sometimes the wake of that following leaves a fiery trail.

I have had to make difficult choices

But I have learned how to hold on to the love even if I have had to say goodbye

I have formed new habits

Dug deep grounded roots into the essence of who I am

I have found that still place and the wide open sky inside

I found freedom and commitment and the dance between the two

Painting has become my practice and teacher

I gifted myself the experience of learning from a woman who’s paintings and life inspire me deeply

Her painting course was more than techniques and processes for canvas and paint

It opened my eyes to the beauty of the creative process and how it is such an allegory for the journey of life

Grounding before creating

Listening deeply and following the tiny urges – go left – go right – big strokes – tiny details

Play and Let go of Creating a Set Outcome

Get Out of Your Own Way

Variation – change it up – try new things

Let it go – don’t hold things so preciously that you lose freedom to follow your intuition

Step back and be Grateful for this very breath

Love it all even if it is in the ugly teenage stage

Spiral In

Spiral Out

Hold the brush loose

If you don’t like something, choose again. You can always add another layer

But let the parts you do love shine through

Work with what’s working and do more of what you like instead of focusing on the parts you don’t like

Make bold commitments by following your heart/gut

It’s never too late to make a bold move – we get to choose and choose again

Life is an intuitive dance in each present moment.

Like painting… Each stroke, Each moment has its own story to tell.

Change is inevitable

Flowing with it brings peace

Resistance brings suffering

Painting has become the prayer to teach me the process

 

This past week abundance showed up in many forms in my life. It was what I had been asking for. And we all know the saying, be careful what you ask for. The realization that with abundance comes hard choices had never really occurred to me.. at least not at this level. Options that all call to me, each in their own beautiful way.

I have learned to simply follow my heart in each moment to make those choices. I have chosen and chosen and chosen again.

And now, I have stepped up and made a brave and bold choice to choose commitment again.

I believe I had to go on this journey to be able to stand on my own two feet and be steady in that commitment. I feel ready and eager for the journey ahead.

My heart is grateful for all of the love that came knocking and I’m grateful that I get to open the door and let it in.

And because Love battles

And because love battles

not only in its burning agricultures
but also in the mouth of men and women, I will finish off by taking the path away to those who between my chest and your fragrance want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse
they will tell you, my love,
than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies
before I got to know you
and I did not wait love but I was
laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?
I am neither good nor bad but a man,
and they will then associate the danger
of my life, which you know
and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger
is danger of love, of complete love
for all life,
for all lives,
and if this love brings us
the death and the prisons,
I am sure that your big eyes,
as when I kiss them,
will then close with pride,
into double pride, love,
with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before
to wear down the tour
of the sweet and hard love which binds us,
and they will say: “The one
you love,
is not a woman for you,
Why do you love her? I think
you could find one more beautiful,
more serious, more deep,
more other, you understand me, look how she’s light,
and what a head she has,
and look at how she dresses,
and etcetera and etcetera”.

And I in these lines say:
Like this I want you, love,
love, Like this I love you,
as you dress
and how your hair lifts up
and how your mouth smiles,
light as the water
of the spring upon the pure stones,
Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me
but only not to lack during every day of life.
I don’t know anything about light, from where it comes nor where it goes,
I only want the light to light up,
I do not ask to the night
explanations,
I wait for it and it envelops me,
And so you, bread and light
And shadow are.

You came to my life
with what you were bringing,
made of light and bread and shadow I expected you,
and Like this I need you,
Like this I love you,
and to those who want to hear tomorrow
that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,
and let them back off today because it is early
for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them
a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf
which will fall on the earth
like if it had been made by our lips
like a kiss which falls
from our invincible heights
to show the fire and the tenderness
of a true love. 

Pablo Neruda

Stillness Moves Mountains

Today, look upon your life, your bank account, your family, each

person you meet, as a wild horse. If a problem looks difficult, relax.

If it looks impossible, relax even more. Then begin encouraging small

changes, putting just enough pressure on yourself to move one turtle step

forward. Then rest, savor, celebrate.  Then step again.  You’ll find

that slow is fast, gentle is powerful, and stillness moves mountains.

 

Martha Beck

Warm moments frozen in time

"I feel safe."

Those words and the moment in which they were said play over and over in my mind.

Safety comes from being seen and loved fully. And yes that is exactly what we shared, what we will always share.

I carry your heart, I carry it in mine.

Broken Open

Watching and listening, the question forms on my tongue and escapes my mouth before I can stop it.

“But what about when you’re feeling stuck?”

The answer comes with a smile

“You show me. How does stuck move? Express what stuck feels like.”

Without hesitation I jump in the circle and dance stuck and feel the shift of acceptance.

 

This is the lesson, practice and process that creates the opening to joy and peace

 

Feeling

Allowing

Breathing

Moving

Gratitude

 

In tune with myself like never before, I am listening deeply.

Tingles, heaviness, nausea, pulsing, flutters

They speak so clearly when I listen for them

Breath gives rise to more intensity

I let go and let them take me over

Back arching, hips swirling, arms floating like flower stems, they flow through me

Expressing what must be said

What must be felt

And then it shifts into something new

The process is so incredibly full of grace

I am in awe of love and the power of showing up

In awe of saying HELL YES to whatever comes

Thank you love for showing me the way

Let it rise

Let me be broken open again and again

Truth

In many Shamanic societies, if you came to a Shaman or Medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask you one of the four questions.

When did you stop dancing?

When did you stop singing?

When did you stop being enchanted by stories?

When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?

Dancing, singing, storytelling and silence are the four Universal healing salves.

I love you sweet spark

One little girl

Bring me life from where I thought it was dark

Be the spark that has a chance to light the candle

Love that I can handle

Souls like the wings

Spreading out away from bad memories

Make us capable of taking off and landing

Alive with understanding

Avett Brothers

I love you little Angela. You are not broken. You are exquisite and pure light. I'm here. Always here to see and love you. Climb up on my lap and let me hold you for awhile. 

Hell Yes!

This weekend I attended my first 5 rhythms dance workshop. The entire experience was life changing in subtle and extreme ways. I have been marinating in the memories and even now can barely find the words to explain the transition this experience created. 

Thinking back I remember the first time I heard about these workshops. I was married and I stayed home to watch the kids so my husband could go. I saw the profound affect it had on him but I knew I wasn't ready.. Not then. I could barely allow myself to be seen walking to the coffee pot at work much less DANCE in front of perfect strangers.

As I worked through the divorce, I found movement and freedom and release from so much shame. I turned into that "old" lady at the dance clubs shaking my stuff till 2am alongside the young 20 something's. But it was interesting that most of the time I was out dancing, I found my spirit. I often felt completely alone out there, lost in the music and lights and feeling the rhythm in my body. It was exhilarating. 

Over time my friend base changed and I have only found dance and movement at home on my own. Usually in my room while I paint or to release pent up emotions. When I saw the flyer for 5 rhythms in Tulsa I immediately signed up and I am so so grateful that I did.

This weekend I found the joy in movement again. The peace that comes from allowing my emotions to rise in my body wherever they feel led and to release them is pure bliss. 

Following my feet as they flutter and twitch and RUN into the free spaces is exhilarating. I learned about trust and love and grace and walking through life with PRESENCE. I observed my old patterns of saying yes and no and felt inspired to practice a new bolder and conscious way to do so. I also found a calling to allow myself to go by my given name.... Angela. I haven't used it since I was very young. But somewhere in this experience, it began to ring true as the purest essence of me. When I call myself Angela I feel my divine feminine shine.

So much there to process.. I could go on for miles of blog space!

Besides these great lessons and personal freedoms, the weekend was also a gift in the connection arena. I witnessed and became a part of a tribe of loving, passionate people that inspire me and give me permission to be my full lovey dovey self. I saw women embrace each other with deep hugs and cuddles. My heart lept with some of the hugs I received and gave back in return. I know to some people it would be too much and in the past I would have felt like my personal space boundaries were being crossed big time. But now, now I feel like I'm home. Home with people like myself that can see and value just how important each one of us is on this earth. We truly need each other and I believe we all deserve to feel that beautiful connection of touch and tenderness. 

The connections I made will stay with me my entire life, even if I never see them again. I am grateful beyond words for the opening they helped to create in my life. I am in awe of human love and compassion. I see the miracle of how our bodies hold our painful memories, but that they can be released into pure bliss if we will only listen deeply enough. The gratitude I feel for the loving soul that witnessed and guided that release is beyond measure.

As with all openings and blissed out moments, there is always a period of let down after. A deep sigh and pause. In that pause I feel the familiar voices of "you're not good enough" starting to play in my mind. I listen to them and breathe into the light. Reminding myself I deserved every ounce of beauty and connection I received. A deep restlessness rises at the ache I feel without those hugs the past few days. "Will I find my place soon?" Squeaks out from the tiny girl inside. I hold her close and give her the love she needs. I am nurturing myself but also taking steps to reach out and stay connected to this new tribe. I am asking for what I want and saying yes to the opportunity to be in loving community.

In the midst of this experience I also asked for an end to another love. The limbo was too painful. That chapter of my life will always be viewed with gratitude and love. But I am thankful for the ending. I believe it is clearing the way for a new path to form between us, still full of love but with different boundaries. 

Today as I went for my normal lunch time run I felt all of this shift swirling inside of me. A giant HELL YES to life filled me as I passed strangers and friends. I stopped for a moment to talk with a stranger on a park bench at the river when my higher voice whispered that he needed some light. It was a short convo.. Only a few minutes. I asked if his heart was in need today without a thought to how strange that must sound coming from a stranger. But with wide eyes he said "yes, I'm waiting to hear back on a job and I'm pretty nervous about it". I smiled and wished him the best. He thanked me for the random act of kindness and I went on my way. I know I can't stop and talk with every soul that crosses my path, but when I'm in this place of DEEP YES, my intuition is clear and I KNOW when I am supposed to do it. It brings me great joy to meet people where they are and surprise them with kindness. Sometimes it's more subtle too, like the lady I danced with as we crossed 6th street together. Both of us with our headphones in, shaking our shoulders a little. I smiled and made eye contact as I ran past her and did a little booty shake, high five. She laughed so loud and started dancing herself. Yep that's the kind of stuff that makes me say HELL YES! It's a little crazy and quirky, but it is my spirit shining bright. 

I say Hell Yes to living my life out loud!

Hell Yes to Movement

Hell Yes to Connection

To the divine

To myself

And to others

Hell Yes to Possibility

Hell Yes to Allowing

Hell Yes to endings that make space for new Beginnings

Hell Yes to Receiving

Hell Yes to believing that LIFE IS GOOD!

Happy Toes

I took the day off work today to give myself some much needed self care and extra sleep. 

Waking at 10 am was heavenly. It's the first time I've felt rested at waking in months!! 

It's strange going about the day with all of the quiet. I am consciously choosing to keep it that way. I hear the cars pass by on the street and the clatter of the toy kitty is chasing about the kitchen. The quiet makes space for peace. It settles my always pumping nervous system and calms me. 

I ponder what to do with this day. What does my body and spirit need right now? Joy comes to mind. Joy and laughter and fun. But it also needs release, that is clear too. It needs space to release the pain and grief. 

So that's how it goes.. I am making space for both. For it all. 

As I cook the eggs and wash the dishes sadness fills me. I crave a hug and that familiar feeling of the one I love pull in close behind me and kiss my neck. I put my arms around myself and squeeze tight for a moment, breathing in that memory. What a gift that I got to have that experience.. Then and now! The tears fall but I am also grateful. 

In the next moment I sit at the table to enjoy this breakfast I've made. I look at my plate and start to giggle. I see the ghost of a chicken staring back at me. We exchange glances and then I pluck his eye with my fork. Bwahaha. 

Madness or allowing? I don't know really. I think it's just my way of making joy and light out of the space I'm walking through right now. I do believe I can find joy even in hard times. I think it means trusting and having faith in that thing that has my back. Really believing it's there and watching for the little things that remind me. 

Like an old affirmation note that falls out of the couch cushion as I sit down to read. I'm amused by the toes on one side that match my own peeking out from under the blanket. I flip it over and again I am thankful for the reminder that I am not alone on this day.

Marching Forward

Why does the sound of a heartbeat bring peace?

I find myself in the quiet of my home missing that sound the most. Whether it be the memory of the small thump thump  as one of the boys curled up close for a hug or the memory of laying my head on Che's chest. 

Both memories bring me peace.

The tiny tiny child inside of me is quite sad tonight. She longs for that sound. That memory of being held close and comforted. It honestly is something she did not receive enough of. 

I take a warm bath to comfort her. To feel contact on our skin. I sink my ears below the water and can hear my own percussion of life steadily marching on. I am the mother now, I am the comforter, I am the strong one.

 Love is my guide and it shines light on the path. Keep marching.. One foot in front of the other. Time will make this easier. You will not always march alone. But you are strong enough to do so now. Follow the beat inside... Steady and true. It never stops working for you. 

The way to do is to be

Always we hope

someone else has the answer.

some other place will be better,

some other time it will all turn out.

 

This is it.

no one else has the answer.

no other place will be better,

and it has already turned out.

 

At the center of your being

you have the answer;

you know who you are

and you know what you want.

 

There is no need

to run outside

for better seeing.

 

Nor to peer from a window.

 

Rather abide at the center of your being;

for the more you leave it, the less you learn.

 

Search your heart

and see

the way to do

is to be.

--Lao Tzu

Wait

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope,

for hope would be hope for the wrong thing.

And wait without love.  For love would be love, of the wrong thing. 

Yet there is faith.

But the faith and the hope and the love, are all in the waiting.

And the darkness shall be the light and the stillness the dancing. 

                                             T.S.Elliot

Saying Yes

This week has been filled with a new challenge for my oldest son. He is
struggling with school for the first time in his life. I guess this is common in 6th grade!

We have spent every evening combing through old and new assignments,
dividing, multiplying, practicing Chinese and learning how to plot latitude
and longitude locations on a globe. Good fun stuff to learn, but not so easy when you are anxious, rushed and feeling like your whole world is collapsing.

I could see the shame in my sons' eyes each night as we struggled through
the pile of work he has allowed to build up around him over the past few weeks.

I noticed myself saying things like....

"you're going to have to start paying more attention"
"why didn't you ask for help?"
"What did the teacher say about this? and when there was just a look of
horror in return... "oh son" with a deep sigh

I caught myself saying internally

"no, no, no, this isn't happening. How did my straight A student suddenly start failing all of his classes?"

I don't think it is a coincidence that this is happening right in the middle of my process to let go of a two year relationship and rebuild my connection to my own love.

In that rebuilding I am finding that the secret tool seems to be ALLOWING
WHAT IS HAPPENING and LOVING MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT I"M EXPERIENCING

and from that place of love, the shifting happens naturally.

It's when I try to FORCE myself to change that things fall apart.

The words ENOUGH and EMBRACE hold my left and right hands.

I am* enough*. My life has *enough*. and if I *embrace* every part of myself and my circumstances, I feel at peace.

Yesterday afternoon as I walked to the courthouse to pay a speeding ticket,
I noticed a similarity between my son and I.

I felt little knots building in my stomach as I walked through the x-ray scanner at the police department.

My hands trembled as I lifted my wallet and insurance verification out of my purse.

"Oh Angie. You know better than to speed through a construction zone. What
is WRONG with you? You can't afford this ticket. Why or why did you not pay
better attention that day?

The thoughts continued as I walked back to my car and then I had another thought.

What if I could find a way to be grateful for this experience?... right now!

If I really believed everything I've been practicing, then damn it, there had to be a way to be thankful in this moment.

How could I say YES to THIS?

And then I saw it. Clear as day. The parallel. My own inner critic bashing
me for a simple mistake that 99% of us all make at some point in our lives.
And if I continued to bash myself it could ironically lead to making the very same mistake. If I filled my mind with negative self talk on the drive home, I would be distracted again and might just find myself speeding along and pulling over for yet another ticket.

I also considered the idea that the money I just paid, was going to be used for the police department which protects me and my family. Yes it hurt to pay it. But the realization that the sacrifice of forking over money would be a constant and strong reminder to not make the same mistake going forward. Like a finger in the fire, consequences can be helpful.

And most importantly I gave myself some grace. I put the ball bat away and lovingly told myself "you are enough. You made a mistake. Learn from it and move forward. Let it go and do better next time"

As I picked up the boys that night, I told them we were going to have a celebration.

My son looked at me with a puzzled expression, expecting it to be another
night of hashing out homework at the kitchen table instead.

I told them we were going to celebrate ENOUGH. That we were going to say
"Yes" to being imperfect and messing up and learning lessons.

We enjoyed a dinner on the patio of a local restaurant and watched the birds fly in formation into the setting sun. I told them the story of my speeding ticket and the truth I had seen. I apologized for being critical.

We talked about doing better.. but out of love and not forced will. I told them I believed in them. That I would always have their back and provide the consequences they needed to keep learning lessons in life. The consequences aren't going anywhere, but my critical voice and attitude is
going in the dumpster.

We went home to finish our celebration.

I wanted to have cake with candles, but knew time was limited. So instead I
spelled out the word Yes with some old birthday candles in the half eaten
loaf of banana bread. It wasn't perfect. But it was enough. We all blew out
the candles together and I smiled deeply with my whole body. These kids
knew their mom had their back in that moment and I knew I had my own back
too. I felt a little hug from the universe.

I think the world is full of messages of "you'll never be good enough" and
God knows they get reinforced at school and work. I believe we all need a place and people in our lives that we know without a doubt love us no matter what we do.

I really hope my kids feel that place is at home and that they can learn to give that gift to themselves as well.

You and I are the answer

If you are falling... Dive

Find a place inside where there is joy,

And the joy will burn out the pain.

Life has no meaning.

Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life.

It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.

Joseph Campbell

Enough

My own embrace is enough

It is more than enough

I am surrounded and filled with more than I could ever appreciate fully

Love is enough

I am enough

For Poppy

“What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us.”

 

- Marianne Williamson

 

Dear Poppy,

It’s important to be nice to others, to offer a helping hand, to show compassion and love freely.

But if someone doesn’t accept the gift we have to offer, it really isn’t about us.

I know it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like there’s something wrong with YOU.

But sweet girl, that is not the truth.

You are awesome and the compassion you show the world is incredible.

We have so much to give.

But from now on, when we open our hearts to someone and our love is not acknowledged (or even flat out refused),

we’re going to do something different.

We’re going to turn that love around and give it back to ourselves.

We will soak in the goodness they are missing out on.

No more asking (begging) for the love, respect and attention we deserve.

 

Love me,

The Strong One

Break on through to the other side

Last night I had a breakthrough.

 

For months I have been aware of what I refer to as a black hole of need inside of myself.

 

It feels lonely, empty and deep.

 

Throughout my life I have either tried to fill this hole with people, food, sex, alcohol, ____, work, etc. or distract myself from believing it exists.

 

The hole screams out to me when I am physically alone…when I walk in the door to my home and there is no sound but my own breath.

 

Last night as I prepared for bed, the same eerie silence filled my room.

 

Instead of hiding from the aching feeling, I lit a candle, burned some incense and took a seat on my yoga mat.

 

I sat with the feeling and allowed them to come up fully

 

Tears and a deep feeling of shame arose.

 

 

I watched the thoughts as they came and went and my body grew heavier and heavier as time passed.

 

And then a voice came that I know well…. That healthy and wisest part of me.

 

She said “what do you long for right now? In this very moment what do you long for?”

 

My initial reaction and thought was “connection”

 

And then!

 

“Wait no, in this very moment, right now, I don’t long for anything. I am calm and peaceful and full of energy. I can feel my connection to the earth beneath me and the connection to the air in the breath that fills and leaves me. I am in constant change and connection, like the clouds in the sky and I am at peace. I long for nothing”

 

And then I cried with Joy!

 

It felt like crossing the finish line of a healing marathon.

 

In my mind, I have known this place of peace exists and I have hedged all of my bets on it. But last night I finally experienced it on a FEELING level in every cell of my body.

 

The moment has passed and of course I have not been able to completely hold onto that same peace in every moment since then. I don’t think that’s how life works.

 

I think it is a practice to keep returning to that still place inside and trusting in it.

 

I think it takes action to find rest.

 

My heart does long for connection to other souls as well, but I know that first I must be filled with this connection to the divine.

 

I am thankful for a path to that connection.

 

I am thankful for an experience I can use to remind myself in moments of darkness.

 

I am thankful for this path I am walking right now.

 

As uncomfortable as it is to say no to the things that feel easier and immediately satisfying, this new path of true connection is wider and deeper than I ever imagined possible.

I want to know

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah

This is my life mantra

Shadow Dance

"Your shadow is not always dark... you just have to let her play too, let her out into the light so she can dance."

Everything Changes

Everything Changes from Hopeful World on Vimeo.

Everything changes.

What if that's the best news of all?

That we can change

That we can reimagine our lives

Without blame

Without judgment

With a certain kind of grace that comes from knowing we don't control it all

There is a way that we have to face these things alone

but it doesn't mean that we're the only one.

In every moment of doubt and despair,

There's a moment of doubt and despair being felt somewhere else in the world.

And there is no way for us to be disconnected from each other's suffering or each other's joy.

Both of these things are there at the same time.

We're together.

This is what it means to belong to the human family.

What if the gift is the ending?

What if your silent wish is the beginning of a new dream?

Your loss is the birthplace of hope.

Your mistakes are a new place to begin again.

Your goodbye is the beginning of a new life.

Leaning In

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Mumford and Sons

The words above have been singing in my mind lately.

When my relationship with Che ended I scoffed at those words.

“Oh yeah? That’s BS. I am dismayed, enslaved and betrayed and in no way do I feel free in this moment”

But slowly I began to see the truth

Relationship is not Love
Relationship is two souls doing their best to share love
But it is not love itself

Love can only be received from the divine and poured out when our cup overfills
The overflow is relationship
But Love is the unconditional infinite energy that surpasses all understanding

And the other thing I know now without a doubt

When we allow that love into our deepest darkest neediest angry dark places, everything changes

I see inside of me a precious infant girl

As I have talked about before, I have been working on loving her for a long time now

A great part of me felt she was a mistake and had no purpose being here 
(even though my logical mind disagreed)

But as I thought back to the moments that I held Roland and Hayden in my arms for the first time.

The memory of the sheer joy and love and responsibility at meeting these tiny souls overwhelmed me.

If I close my eyes and take a breath I can see my own infant self resting in my arms

That same joy and love and responsibility fills me

The loneliness and desperation from this shift in my life has allowed me to dig deep enough to find her

And by grace I have found a way to allow divine love in like I have never allowed it before.

Some days I succeed and others… well I’m human

I know through lots of experience now that I have to release all the stuff that blocks the love

Anger, resentment, jealousy, judgment those things are energy that get trapped in our bodies

But with work they can be released

The shift is not easy. It takes every ounce of bravery and courage that I have inside of me

It is so much easier to just be angry or hurt or full of shame

But I believe that infant girl deserves better than that.

She deserves to have someone fight for her and guide her along the path

She deserves to experience love and connection with both spirit and other souls

We are a work in progress, no doubt and will be till we take our last breath

We are full of paradox and hypocrisy. Love and Fear, Trust and Jealousy, Joy and Sadness

We all are

During a breakup it’s so much easier to get through, if you can just be angry and look at 
only the negatives of the person you are choosing to walk away from.

It is so easy to choose distraction and self pity.

The harder road is to see the person fully, the healthy and unhealthy, the quirks, the things that make your heart leap, the good times and the hard times and to stay with the ache of the loss.

I see it all. I am grateful for it all because everything led me right here to this moment.

I have made lists of everything our relationship allowed me to believe about myself and everything I allowed myself to experience because I was in it.

Those things don't disappear now that the relationship is changed. I will hold onto them with gratitude.

I know the heart ache was worth every moment of bliss and connection I felt leading up to it.

I remember moments of pure “cup overflowing” connection. Two souls locked together in a moment outside of time.

Looking back I want more of that connection. I crave it. My heart longs to see and be seen again. But then a new energy floods my body and I realize I am simply grateful I had that experience. If it comes again, awesome, if not I will continue to be grateful for it. It was enough.

I feel a strange mixture of relief and missing him. I feel like part of my heart is still with him and his gracious shadow follows me wherever I go.

The push and pull is tedious and intense. The only way I know through is to keep coming back to myself

To keep seeking connection with the love that surrounds me and fills me and ALLOW it in

I let go of hurry and distraction and rest in this moment.
This very moment with a lonely heart crying out in gratitude 

Everything is occurring in its perfect time.

I am learning about letting go of what’s real

Letting go of the imagined
Letting go of dreams held on pedestals
Letting go of wanting more
And allowing myself to notice what I already have.

Today I decided it's time to try out some new ways of doing things to see if they bring more peace through this transition.

I’ll give them a week and check in to see what is working and what can be left behind.

• Get up 15 minutes before I need to wake the boys to meditate, connect with the divine and be in silence.
• Keep my phone out of my hands when I’m in bed. No facebooking, instagramming, mindless games or internet surfing before I go to bed or when I first wake up. They lower my energy and take me away from myself.
• Cook and enjoy delicious meals. Savor each bite.
• Flow with the tide of emotions and allow them all. I have learned that if I take just a few minutes to find a quiet place and allow the intense ones to come up, they only last about 90 seconds. But if I hold them in they sit simmering all day or explode in BAD ways.
• List at least 3 things I’m grateful for in my Day One app. I have been doing this for a few months now and it is so so good.
• Write, Read and Listen to Audio Books – fill my mind with positive, encouraging and helpful ideas instead of allowing my monkey mind to go wild. But also take time each day to write out whatever needs to be said.
• Look for opportunities to give. Put flowers on a heartbroken girls door. Pay for the coffee of the person in line behind me. Send a care package to a dear friend who's life is also in deep transition, send a real hand-written letter to a friend, smile at my office mates, say thank you to the cleaning lady in the gym.. little things that make a big difference
• Reach out for connection - but in a healthy way. Similar to drinking alcohol. If  I "need it" then nope, take time to reconnect with myself first. But otherwise go out and connect!