Thank you God for the night

Can I really trust you?

God

Universe

Angels

Unconditional Love

Higher Power

The Thing that Has My Back 

( Or THUMB..the cute nickname I declared for you this weekend)

I have called on you many times before.

As a sweet little strawberry blonde I asked where you were the day daddy left.

You showed up behind the couch where I was hiding, listening to them argue over the stereo and wondering what was going to happen. But you didn't look like YOU. You called yourself Angelica and you had the smoothest chocolate skin I had ever seen. You cradled me and wiped my tears and told me I was gonna be ok....sweet child.

I remember going to you many times back then. You had a house around the corner and I would wander in and curl up in your lap in that old creaking rocking chair. You would show me your pocket watch locket with a picture of an angel inside. You would hum sweet songs and rub my hair. You smelled like chocolate chip cookies and felt like an easy chair.

You stayed with me as her through the darkest nights of my childhood. Covering my eyes, holding my hand through the pain. But what I never understood was why you didn't stop the bad things from happening. Why you didn't take me back to daddy. Why you didn't stop those people from doing what they did. You stayed by my side but you didn't stop them. 

I'm kinda pissed about that. 

I get it, in my head. We all have our battle scars and if we choose to, they are the fuel for our inner light. They spark the fire of our courage and perseverance. I know I would not be who I am today had I not lived through those experiences and many years later fought to find the will to live with their memory. 

But when I hear people say "the universe has got your back. You can trust that you are loved and taken care of" 

I shutter inside.

Because though I see the lessons and understand that without trials we would not grow, I do not feel cared for or nurtured. 

No, I feel pushed along in a chain of events called life. I am thankful for free will and choice and the power to love through it all, but I don't feel comfort.

And I want it desperately.

This past weekend I took a trip to Sedona with Che to backpack and hike. The first day we decided to hike up the non trail side of cathedral rock. We didn't realize how far we had to go and left unprepared for the journey. Heat, lack of water and a rougher climb than we expected sent me into panic. I was afraid to go up or down. Kicking myself for getting into the predicament. Che felt the same way but we had to work together to decide what to do.

At one point we ran across this painted rock. Tears welled in my eyes as I read the message. "Thank you God for the night". 

It struck me cold. Expecting a cute or simple message to have been left instead. But to see gratitude for the night ?? Wtf?

This is the crux of my lack of faith. On bright days I am full of hope and love. But when the stress of life overwhelms me and the night of my doubt returns and all I can sense is danger I am transported back to that little girl inside my soul.

It is not enough that God stood by and held my hand. I wanted protection. Not a smile. I wanted comfort not silence. How can I rest my back into a God that allowed such brutality to such an innocent child. 

And I am fully aware that I am not alone in this paradoxical love/free will system. In fact I have seen and experienced far less evil than most. That knowledge only intensifies the lack of comfort I feel.

My salve to this pain has been control and naivity. But that is not the answer. My heart longs for comfort and neither of those band aids will provide it.

Tonight my heart hurts. I am surrounded by information pointing to danger and uncertainty. Removing naive views and attempting to let go of control leaves me grasping for any lines of faith. 

My head tells me to numb out, drink till I can't think anymore but a small quiet voice asked me to get out that rock I found on the mountain and light a candle instead. It whispered to me to take two cards from the guardian angel deck. It whispered to "be still and know".

I close my eyes and feel my body connect to the ground. I am supported. But I am scared. Terrified of a misstep that will send me into a free fall. 

I can see it, feel it, the wind rushing, the g forces, feet flying, and then darkness. Complete darkness and isolation. I never want to return to that place.

My cards read "intention" and "soul mate". 

Maybe just maybe I think that thing that has my back is trying to tell me something. Do I dare trust it? Can I survive the pain if I do and I get hurt again?

A fire of courage burns and says yes. A great big giant Yes. 

It says the point of the cards is to set the intention. Instead of allowing the thoughts and feelings of falling to certain death to fill my consciousness, I must create a juicy vision of what the ideal outcome could be instead. And maybe all that shit I've talked and studied about manifestation will really be true. And I will create the future where I am at peace. Where I press against the universe and feel it press back. Where I am safe and comforted no matter the circumstance.

The seed of hope is tiny but like that little poppy seed that I nurtured and turned into a beautiful woman, I plan to do the same with this one.

Focus and love. Caring for my hope and faith. Day by day. I will nurture them and maybe just maybe I will say

"Thank you God for the night"