On Staying Home with Kids

photo by poppyinthesun

Dear Little Poppy,

One of my dreams has always been to be a stay at home mom. 

This did not work out so well with my first son.
I immediately had post-pardom depression
and it never really seemed to get better.
I gained 30 pounds in one year
and sometimes couldn't pull my body off the couch
to take care of my son.
I still carry a lot of shame about my behavior.
I felt different from all of my church friends
who seemed to love being a mommy. 
All I wanted was to be left alone.
(sound familiar?)  

Fast forward 8 years
and I am better now, but still struggling.
I work full time because I think it's better for everyone right now.
I am on this healing journey and I can see improvement.
The last two days I have been home
all day with my younger son.
He is four and has emotional issues himself.
Yesterday was awful.
I couldn't seem to get enough alone time.
I kept trying to occupy him with things,
so that I could do my own thing.
I felt so guilty and I felt shame again. 

What is wrong with me?
I love this child so much,
why don't I want to spend time with him?

I can remember watching a video
just a few days ago about a man who was
in a near death experience and 
he couldn't wait to get home to see his boys. 
I cried and knew exactly how he felt. 
But why now that I am getting to spend this precious alone time
with my son, why do I want to escape him?

I didn't understand it,
but I decided to breathe through it
and try another day with him today.
He did have a fever the night before
so I could justify another day off work.
We did much better today.
He watched one cartoon in the morning
while I showered and got ready for the day. 
(I didn't get that far yesterday)
Then we played with play dough and legos.
We played board games and computer games.
I was actually having fun with him until it was time to head to the store.
You see my son HATES wearing socks and shoes.
He literally fights us every day about it.
We have tried every trick in the book to get him to wear them,
but eventually it just takes forcing the shoes on
and telling him it will feel better in a few minutes.
And it does,
but I am exhausted and feel defeated
after the ordeal. 

Today was no different,
I could feel my energy draining
and my desire to escape rising to the surface.
We headed to the store and
I'm glad I made that choice.
It kept me moving and I got some sun in the car.
By the time we left Wal-mart, all was good again.
He was looking so cute
in his hand-knit R2-D2 hat
and he had been an angel in the store.
Not a single argument.
The rest of the day was great.
We had lunch, watched another cartoon
and then headed out to pick up his big brother at school.
On the way he fell asleep
and I haven't been able to wake him since.
He is out for the night and I actually miss him.

This is how I know I am getting better,,
I actually want to spend more time
with my child after being home with him all day.
It doesn't seem like much and
I am definitely not a perfect mother,
but I have to rejoice in these small victories. 

So, I bet you wonder why I'm telling you all this, little poppy. 

Well it is because I think you made all the difference.
Because you were out and playing with my son,
we all had a great day.
I know you got scared when he started yelling
and fighting about his shoes,
but you managed to hang in there long enough to play with him again. 

Thank you for being brave today and trying to play. 

It was fun being with both of you.

Love me,

The Strong One