Balance

A friend posted this the other day and I had to make sure I saved it. To me it beautifully portrays the balance in life of giving everything you have (plus some)

with being able to let it all go as well.

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;

If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Numb

We are home sweet home.

Today has been all about

sleeping in

LAUNDRY

cleaning

cooking homemade soup

catching up with family

video games for the boys

and 

decompressing for me

( in the in between moments of everything else mentioned above)

My body is beginning to heal

But I feel bruised inside and out

I feel like I let a lot of people down, including myself

I feel desperate

quiet

numb

Tomorrow the boys will go back to their dad

and I will go back to work

I am letting go of fear about so many things right now

But trying to find the balance between letting go and healthy concern and  boundary setting

Pain and stress bring out the worst in everyone

and I saw pieces of myself this week that I wish I could wave a magic wand over and change

Panic

Negativity

Bitchiness

Impatience

And while I see that I was not up to Angie par I also see that some things went down that raised a few flags in my mind (and especially in my heart )

At first they made me want to make drastic life changing decisions

But I knew that was a horrible idea in the middle of crisis

Instead I have to sit with things

Communicate and talk about them

And then pick apart the ones that need to simply be let go of and which need to be dealt with in a healthy way

I think only time will tell

I also need to follow through with my doctor and get advice from someone I trust

I'm grateful for the text and facebook messages from friends and family that got me through.

I know the boys will remember the trip to St. Louis as a great family vacation.

I hope in time I can see it the same way and can be even more grateful for the blessings that happened along the way.

But tonight, I have to admit, I have no desire to do a mama with two kids vacation again nor do I wish to visit St. Louis again. I think the Pavlov effect of that city on my brain is one of pain, loneliness and misery. Why on earth would I want to be reminded of any of that again.

I'm owning my negativity right now. I know where I'm at. I'm working to come out of it. But right now I'm doing my best to find my way back to my happy self again.

Presence in Pain

Sometimes I wish my soul wasn't quite so zealous for life lessons and enlightenment.

This week I am on vacation with my boys adventuring and exploring in St. Louis.

I met with my good friend Suzanne to set some mastermind goals for this week Sunday night. I told her I wanted to practice the observation meditation that seemed to shift and relax my mind so well over the past few weeks. I also wanted to stay present with the boys as much as humanly possible no matter what internal stuff I was dealing with.

We are having a great trip so far! But I am also dealing with a personal issue causing intense physical pain. I have researched and I will be fine. It will just take time to heal.

I am frustrated by the timing but there's nothing I can do about it but accept it, take care of myself and keep going. I refuse to let my own pain hold me back from giving the boys a great trip and memories.

I read a little last night about how to meditate to relieve pain and found another life lesson.

I ran across the practice of Tonglen as explained by Pema Chodron, one of my favorite teachers. She says experiencing pain allows and broadens our compassion for others. In order to have compassion for others, we HAVE to have compassion for OURSELVES first.

I tend to go inside when I feel pain. I stare harshly and try to go away. Checking out feels like the only way to escape. I alienate myself and push away the compassion that is given to me, even though I'm aching for someone or something to hold me and love me.

This go round I'm trying things a little different. I am practicing the Tonglen meditation of breathing into the pain, feeling it fully and then breathing out love

and light to that part of my body.

Pema writes that the better we get at doing this for ourselves the better we are at giving it to others. I want my life to be a testament to this kind of compassion and love.

It's interesting how the universe guides us too. This morning Hay burned his finger at breakfast. Not bad but it hurt. When he panicked it hurt worse. Once he just accepted that it was happening and took a few deep breaths he was ok. When I showed him compassion it helped even more.

So while pain sucks, these lessons are worth learning for all of us. I am grateful for this crazy life we get to live. Mirroring and loving each other as we go.

A Moving Sea

Yesterday I had lunch with a few friends. Two of them have husbands that work together. I witnessed a conversation that stirred something inside of me. It touched on a piece of vulnerability and fear that I know lies within me too.

The two husbands that work together are in management. They hired a young woman recently. They have both been going home and raving about said woman to their wives. How intelligent and cool she is. This girl is a firecracker, involved in just about everything you can imagine and she has hooked these guys big time. Both of my friends felt threatened by their husbands’ sudden interest in another woman. What struck me most is that neither one of my friends had talked to anyone about it. They had silently let these feelings of fear run in the undercurrent of their lives. But as one of them talked about it, the other’s eyes lit up.

“Me too! I felt exactly the same way! What’s the deal? Why is he so excited about this chick?”

I immediately connected with both of them. I saw my own fear in their eyes.

I think a lot of people struggle with this fear of being replaced by the shiny new object.

It comes from shame of course. Thinking we are not good enough, interesting enough, sexy enough, funny enough, _________ enough.

It also comes from our genetics. Survival of the fittest and those wires in our brains that are so truly human and primitive. It’s truth that we get bored with the same old anything. Routine and sameness wears on us and we crave adventure and change.

I have the same genetics, but I tend to crave connectedness and love even more than adventure.

I look at scenarios like this and it immediately makes me fearful to put my love into romantic or platonic relationships. What if they bore of me and all of the time and energy I put into that connection is ripped away from me?

Before I stepped out of my bubble I lived in such a way that these fears were band-aided by man-made institutions. Church was my shelter for friendships and marriage was my life-long institution for love. I was in “committed” relationships that I felt would never end and it gave me false security.

As I stepped out of church I witnessed friendships crumble and with divorce came the leap out of the bubble. It was the biggest consequence possible for taking the person I loved for granted. I own that big time and regret it deeply. But what is past is past and I know now this path had to be forged.

I believe our divorce was a tragedy but I also believe it was an opportunity to grow as people and I’m thankful we both chose to do so. I learned from it on so many levels but the big one is to be thankful each day for people in my life.

I look at relationships in a completely different way now. I can now see that friends will come in and out of my life. I choose to be grateful for today and work to let go with love when I feel people slipping away. I will always care deeply about the souls that cross my path, but I have to move on and allow for more connections.

Many of my friends ask if I want to remarry and I almost always say no. Marriage still feels like false security to me. I want to love today with all of my heart and let go of what will happen in the future. Yes I believe in commitment... giving my heart entirely to one man, staying true and by his side through hard times and good times. But I don’t want to take that precious soul connection and wrap any cords of confinement around it. The quote below describes what I am trying to say in such a beautiful and eloquent way.

“Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” Kahlil Gibran

I do believe that relationships require work though. Our human desire for newness and adventure will always exist. But I think it’s possible to keep love fresh. Routine and neglect will destroy the natural cycle, so I constantly choose to be thankful and push myself beyond my comfort zone to keep the spark on fire.

Che and I have talked about this many times. He says he wants us to “date” forever. I love the idea. It means looking at each other with the same amount of gratitude and awe as when we first met. It takes focus and sacrifice sometimes, but it is oh so much fun. It is simple things like gently sweeping my hand across his back as he cooks dinner or when he leans in for a kiss at random moments. It’s “I love you” text messages throughout the day. It’s letting our kids play together and going on adventures when we can. It’s dreaming about the future together. It is being honest and not letting little things build up into mountains we can’t cross. And I believe it’s about keeping our individual lives alive as well.

I feel blessed and thankful for the relationships I have with both friends and with Che. In some ways I feel like I am throwing the baby out with the bath water with my ideas on marriage. But for now, it’s what sits right with me.

I’m not sure what the point of sharing all of this is. Maybe it will encourage someone who is in that place of fear to let go of their tight grasp on their loved ones and choose to play instead. Or maybe it was just to encourage myself to do the same.

I refuse

I refuse to be discouraged.

Even though I couldn’t keep up with the group

And as a result pushed too hard

And fell on my face in the middle of downtown lunch traffic

I refuse to be discouraged

Even though the voices in my head say

“see, you suck. You’ll never be good enough. Why even try”

And the torn flesh on my leg burns and aches

I refuse to be discouraged

Instead I will remember that I stood up and kept running 3 more miles

Instead I will say I’m unstoppable.

True Beauty

A friend posted this image on Facebook the other day.

Her name is Lizzie Miller and she is known as

the woman on p.194 of the September 2009 Glamour magazine.

The reaction to this posting was off the charts.

Over and over I saw

“that looks like me!”

“We need more images like this”

I could feel a virtual deep sigh of relief.

The shame drifting away

as women were reminded

that they were normal and beautiful.

I think the majority of people don’t feel 'good enough' today.

Brene' Brown has done tons of research on the issue and it’s true.

We are living in a society of deep shame.

The diet and health industry (both physical and mental) is booming like never before.

Viewing these comments and questions raised

made me dig a little deeper

into my own judgments and beliefs

about being healthy and beautiful.

I haven’t really talked about it much on here,

but over the last two years

I have lost close to 80 pounds.

I am still processing both the physical and emotional transformation.

My journey to health began towards the beginning of my divorce.

I knew I had to get on my feet and find my inner strength

if I was going to survive that life change.

I had abused my body most of my life

with shifting swings of sugar and junk food binges

followed by starvation and obsessive exercise.

In high school I lost a massive amount of weight

by tracking every single bite that entered my mouth

but I was completely OCD about it

and even started trying controlling and manipulating

the food intake of the people around me.

The pounds slowly crept on

as I went through college and early marriage.

But they reached their all time high during my deep depression

in my twenties and thirties.

I eventually started working on the deeper issues

(shame, guilt, fear)

causing my obesity and decided it was time to stop hiding and take care of myself.

I witnessed several friends

find joy in running by starting out with the numerous couchTo5k programs.

I decided to give it a try.

 On my first run I had something that I consider miraculous happen.

 A tiny white butterfly came along and joined me on the run.

 I took this as a sign that I needed to follow the running journey

 and see where it would lead me.

 To this day I still have what Che refers to as “my minions” join me on the path.

Two years later I can say it was one of the best choices I ever made.

 I have now finished a 5k, 10k, 15k and Half Marathon.

 Along the way I have learned how to listen to my body.

 To push it to its limits,

 to take care of it when it needs rest,

 to feed it and fuel it with healthy food,

 and how to listen to it deeply.

 I have found joy in all kinds of exercise 

and truly enjoy eating healthy energy rich foods.

But I still struggle with body image.

 Losing this much weight has caused a lot of excess skin I can’t stand.

 Many days when I look in the mirror

 I still see myself at close to 200 pounds

 ( I am only 5’ 2”). 

I constantly work to turn off the negative statements when I see myself in a mirror.

Part of it is driven by what I see.

 I believe our brains are wired to see beauty in symmetry and youth. 

 We are also given a societal view of beauty 

that is distorted and only given to a few who win the genetic lottery card. 

But I believe very deeply that beauty comes from within.

 When we believe we are beautiful,

 we feel beautiful

 and we radiate beauty.

 There is something about confidence that covers all physical flaws.

I think that is what people see when they look at the model on pg. 194.

 She is glowing with self-confidence.

 She is comfortable in her not so perfect skin.

 I truly believe if we saw more images like the one above 

in the print around us it would help us all 

see the beauty in our imperfections and own our own light.

I remember the first time I saw myself as physically beautiful.

 As most know, my guy is gifted with the ability

 to capture the beauty of women in such a way 

that we can see ourselves like never before.

 When we first started dating I was crazy camera shy.

 I had a moment of confidence one day

 and asked him to take some pictures of me.

 When I saw the images I spoke the words he has heard so many times before

 “that doesn’t look like me” 

and

“you made me look like a piece of art”.

 It took my breath away 

and it propelled my confidence to keep improving my body to where I wanted it to be.

I am beyond thankful for him

 and am constantly awe struck by the images he captures.

 Many of my friends don’t understand how I can be so open

 to dating someone who specializes in erotic photography. 

 They wonder how I can trust him

 and actually encourage him to go on photo shoots with naked women. 

The answer is that I KNOW HIM.

 It is his gift and I have no reason to not trust him.

 When my internal wheels start spinning

 and I begin to doubt or question,

 it is always my own insecurity rising to the surface.

 Living this journey has allowed me to do some deep work 

with that insecurity and the outcome has been incredible healing.

Along the way my own love of photography has expanded into working with people.

 I finally feel ready to take on the challenge of capturing the beauty of humanity.

 I believe beauty is in the real stuff…

 ALL emotions, shapes, sizes, curves and lines.

 Macro and micro I want to explore the light of the soul 

and what it means to be human.

 I call this series of my work, INTROSPECTIVES and I can’t get enough.

The more I am able shoot,

 the more I ponder these questions surrounding beauty.

 I find my eye looking for that symmetry and smoothness

 and the urge to reach for the liquify and cloning tools within photoshop creeps up.

It makes me wonder what I should focus on.

I know part of the problem with the image above is the position she is sitting in.

 If she was laid out on her back, arms reaching overhead, that tummy roll would disappear.

But what is more important?

Which image would capture her beauty?

Does the pose or acne or cellulite matter?

All I know is that when I see an image of myself

 that shows sagging skin or stretch marks,

 acne or a bad angle of my face, 

I cover my eyes and race for the delete button.

 I know other people feel the same way

 and that’s why we as photographers don’t share every image.

 We only show the “good ones”.

I honestly don’t know the answer to these questions,

 but I hope they become clear in time.

 For now I will continue to capture the beauty that surrounds me wherever I find it. 

My path to Forgiveness

“You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human.” Courtney A. Walsh



The past few weeks have been some of the most heart wrenching and healing in my life. I experienced self hatred and fear on levels that were even new to me. But through the grace of life, a whole bunch of courage and determination and a lot of love from myself and close friends, I found my way through. The lessons learned may seem obvious or self evident to others, but for me they lifted the veil over my eyes and allowed me to see the truth.

And while I don’t want to return to those days and beat the dead horse, I need to write about the journey. Memory is funny and the lessons learned this go round are worthy of carving into stone. I believe with all of me that struggles are opportunities and this past week burned that belief a little deeper.

It’s hard to put into words what exactly happened, but I’m going to do my best. Little triggers brought up memories of deeper wounds and past grievances that would not let go. They called to me for healing, not in words, but through unending tears, anxiety and sadness. My higher self told me it was time to deal with them... to release the shame and fear that I was holding in my body from these memories. Some of the memories were quite old, childhood issues that I’ve been dealing with for years and some were quite new, recent behaviors that I had acquired and hidden from almost everyone I knew.

I read books, meditated, took long drives alone and talked to trusted friends about the pain inside of me. I came to the conclusion that forgiveness was the only way through and the biggie was that I was going to have to stop hiding my shit and forgive myself. I knew that doing so would elevate the love I am able to send out into the world, and that was the motivation I needed to do the work that was required.

What I found is that self-forgiveness is the highest form of love. It’s saying “I see you, all of you, the dark and light and I love you.” There is no smoothing over the details with yourself. I could see that in these moments I always had a choice. Yes I could see the “reasons” for the behaviors, but the full truth is I always had a choice. So I took a clear look at what I had done, but with self-compassion and understanding that I’m human and incapable of always choosing correctly.

I am thankful to my teachers and friends that pointed out the beauty of being human. Che had such a beautiful way of encouraging me.. “light every corner of your mind, push away the darkness that fills you, fill the corners and cast shadow in harsh judgments… use that light that you show and shine and surround me with to blind yourself to the past, stop looking for it, stop living it, stop carrying it like a backpack not made for you. I see life in your eyes that is dying to live, to run and be free but you hold back, you allow the baggage of dark water that has past you by so long ago to circle around you.”

I also found wisdom in the teachings of Pema Chodron, an expert in self-forgiveness. She encourages us to recognize our missteps and to be willing to take a clear look at what we do. She urges us to go ahead, and feel the clean knife-like pain of regret/remorse/embarrassment–but only for two minutes (or less)–and then, in the spirit of not sinking into the muck, let go. Let it pierce you to the heart, she says, and then, let go. Allow for a fresh start.

I came to the belief that there was indeed a way through, a process and I did my best to follow it. I had to get untangled form the struggle and move on. I had to risk losing people I love. I had to be true and I had to accept and love myself.

One morning as I was getting ready for work the tears would not stop flowing. As I tried to put on eye makeup I could see them forming in the folds of my eyes and rolling over the top. So I stopped and stared deeply into my own eyes. What I found surprised me and settled me. A new part that I now refer to as “the observer” was staring back at me. She had no judgment, only love. She was simply watching me struggle and sending me energy to find peace. I believe she is a part of me that is outside of time and her simple act of observing with love shifted something inside of me and foreshadowed my eventual release.

A few days later I decided to try out a kundalini meditation group meeting at 306 Phoenix House here in Tulsa. I was expecting the same type of meditation that I did with my PTI group, but it was something completely different. 15 minutes of shaking, 15 dancing, 15 in stillness and 15 in silence. I ended up being the only person besides the leader of the group that night but it was true serendipity that I went. Tim was kind and loving and more present than anyone I have ever met. At times it was like talking to someone who was shifting between realities, coming back with little packets of wisdom each time.

I should back up a little and explain a little about my past. I have come to understand through therapy that our neural pathways are formed when we are children and the way in which they are formed guides us unless we do the difficult work of reshaping them.

At a young age I was told that I was hated by people in authority over me, not my parents, but leaders that I looked up to. I was told that I was evil and hated and the only hope for me was if Jesus would save my soul. Otherwise I would burn in hell forever because of how horrible I was. The energy of these words, created a grotesque inner vision of myself. I have been working for many years to change that point of view and reform the pathways of my mind to believe the truth.

During the meditation that night, the voices from the past came back as I tried to go through the process of forgiving myself. The fear and shame returned. Tim looked at me with the most loving eyes and simply said “you need to know Jesus loves you and you are worthy of all love”. My whole body shook with the power of that simple message and I believe some rewiring happened for sure. It was a gift I will always treasure and hope to pass on to another soul trapped in self hatred.

The next day I decided to take the day off work. My higher self told me I needed time to listen and rest. I drove to Osage forest of peace with no reservation or plans in mind hoping they would have room for me. I was greeted with open arms and given a cabin to use for the day. They fed me and gave me a safe place to be in silence. (A true church in my opinion) As I was heading out to my cabin I noticed a magazine with the following articles listed on the cover..

     How to forgive yourself and others

     Sometimes being wrong is the best thing that can happen to you

     Dealing with difficult emotions

I chucked to myself and grabbed it.

In the cabin I read, I slept, I cried, I ate healthy food and drank warm tea, I watched the squirrels, and I listened deeply.

I layed on a tiny twin bed and listened to my breath

To the malevolent words in my mind playing out their fear scenarios

And abusive jibberish

And instead of taking them into my heart

I just laid there and noticed them

I realized these voices are not my own

They were burned into my mind years ago and I’m seriously done listening to them

I allowed my own inner voice to whisper her truth over their hateful screams.

I realized that I didn’t have to fix anything or do anything other than love myself in that moment

And then I drifted into the deepest sleep I had experienced in weeks.

I woke with energy to take the next step. I knew I had to ask forgiveness to do what was right and true for myself. I was clear about where I went wrong, I understood why I did it, that I was regretful beyond measure and I had a plan for how to do things differently in the future. But I was terrified of making a mess of things and causing hurt by shining light on the past.

That portion of the journey involves other people and I would not want to share things here that would hurt them, but the point that needs to be remembered is that everyone I went to was able to deal with my apology in a way that furthered my own healing. Some accepted, some didn’t want details and just wanted to let it go, and some were silent. I understand them all. And after everything was said and done I let it all go.

Che shared a visual for letting go that I love… it’s like footprints on a path in the sand and they wash away as the tide comes in. Beautiful isn't it.

A few days have passed since all of this took place and I feel a peace and level of joy inside that is so refreshing. I feel free and able to play. Over the weekend Che and I took one of our gypsy drives. He stopped next to a playground in the middle of a neighborhood and pointed to the merry go round. I jumped out and ran to it. Pushing it as fast I could and jumping on to feel the wind blow through my hair. It was exhilarating and truly what life is all about.