Illusion of Judgment

"2am; where do I begin,

Crying off my face again.

The silent sound of loneliness

Wants to follow me to bed.

I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most.

I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well."

Christina Perri

Laying in bed at 8pm on a Thursday night. It's been one of those days and the above song plays on Pandora. Exactly...

A series of unfortunate events has knocked me onto a course of pain and deep grief.

It starts yesterday with a random annoying moment with a person on Craigslist. The details are unimportant but the trigger came when she boldly lied to me and refused to own it when I called her on it. "What a bitch" I thought as the energy of judgment and anger permeated my cells.

And in true Angie fashion I caught myself. Saw that she was really a silver platter to my own propensity to tell white lies when the truth is too hard to say. Why can't we just say what we really think and be honest?? Instead we mostly skirt through life taking the easy road, telling white lies, and keeping secrets that cause shame. We are all so fearful of losing happiness that we lose our integrity. I am just as guilty and I'm sure that's why it triggered me.

I tried to let the incident go but could feel a bigger lesson brewing for me. I prayed and mulled and meditated on all of this as I dozed to sleep last night. Intense dreams and memories flooded my consciousness again.

The conclusion came this morning that forgiveness is key. If we are truly all one, then judgment is an illusion. Forgiveness of others and myself is the only way through.

And so those memories that I try to keep tucked away in the dark places of my soul came back into focus. Those things I didn't have the strength of integrity to face or deal with stood front and center of my mind. And my inner bitch took a machete to my heart.

I read about forgiveness, asked a few close friends how they have dealt with it for others and for themselves. I pondered my own process of forgiving people in my past. How I can actually see the experiences as a gift because they made me who I am today. But still no answer for how to get through these actions in my past that I find egregious and worthy of separation from love.

They make me want to cast myself away on a island so that I can never hurt myself or anyone else again. But mostly they make me feel completely unworthy of the love I receive. I truly believe they are unforgivable. I know a million people before me have done the exact same things, but it doesn't matter. I was not true to what I believe and did not stand up when I should have.

Tonight I gave myself permission to put all the shit rolling around in my brain on the back burner and have a good night with the boys.

But that turned sour when another unfortunate event occurred as I walked in the door. Kids being kids and not being responsible for their stuff caused yet another iPod to go missing. I know it's just a material thing, but I get so frustrated when I see them take things for granted and not take care of their stuff. How big does the consequence have to be to learn this lesson??

We searched, I lectured, we called their dad to see if he could track it somehow. I am truly thankful that my ex has such an open heart for the boys. He saw immediately what I did not. That Ro was already beating himself up internally for losing it. He was so ashamed of himself and felt horrible.

The realization of what I had done poured all over me. I had continued the cycle that was passed down to me and that i continue to do to myself daily. Lecturing him had only added to the problem. He did not need another lecture. He knew the consequences, it will not be replaced and he will have to go without. My job as his parent is to teach him practical ways to take care of his stuff not reprimand him for failing to do so. My other job is to make sure he knows he is always loved no matter what mistakes he makes. I had failed to do both.

So I took a minute... Gathered all the strength I had left in me and went to cuddle with him on the couch. At bedtime we talked. I apologized. Told him I loved him no matter what mistakes he ever made or will make. We talked about the consequences and we will continue to talk about practical things he can do to be more responsible. But I think he went to bed knowing he is loved by both his parents very much.

But now, I feel dead. Exhausted emotionally. Both sad and proud of my actions. And left wondering how to draw the strength to show myself the same compassion I showed my child.

I feel lonely. Dying for someone to curl me up in their arms and tell me they will love me no matter what mistakes I ever make and for them to really mean it and follow through on that promise. Because I don't know how to give that to myself even though I know I am the only one who can truly do so.