Really?

Forgive, today, your shortened temper, your discontent, the shaky ends of your patience. Dismiss the invectives you rake against your too-thin skin. Ignore the plummet of your faith, the rise of your anxiety, the see-saw of your goodwill. Discharge the sergeant of your guilt, the devil of your disappointment. Raze the monument of lists you failed to complete and the award for kindness you wrested from your own hands. Allow, for once, a recess from harmony, a caesura from grace. Go missing from your own party, and walk lone circles in the forest long after the light fades west. There are days   when the best you can do is show up in absentia, when ghosts are your allies, when you tuck into the bed of your own disappearance, knowing you are still safe.  Maya Stein

Today is a “Really?” day

It has been on the tip of my tongue from the start

Hearing the familiar crunchy spatter on the sky light in the bathroom

Yep – the awaited storm came – freezing drizzle, bitter winds, no school

But wait

Really?

School’s in??

Yep

Let go of the expected, accept it, get your butt in the shower and do your thing

It’s hard enough to find my gratitude for myself but talking two VERY annoyed boys into it is an act of futility

I hear them out

Tell them I understand

“But sometimes you just gotta do the thing, no matter if it makes no sense at all”

I hear my words (preach it mama) but do I really believe them?

I notice Hayden is sick (again)

Ugh

Really? Why can’t we keep this kid healthy?

It seems he is on Allegra or Zyrtec or Claritin year round.

The words “allergies come from a toxic environment” ring around in my head.

Old PTI words that I know to be true

What can I do? How can I be better to give these kids the life they deserve?

Sigh

Deep breaths on a very slow drive through town

I find my way into the office

Snapping pics of the snow, anything to bring my heart a little joy on this cold cold morning

Body tired and sore from the previous days workout

Skin dry and sensitive

Heart – I don’t know – it feels soft but simultaneously hard as a rock

I don’t want to be seen today – physically or emotionally

I just want to sleep – for weeks it seems

I ponder the days of old when women hibernated during their cycle

Sounds like a good idea – for EVERYONE

But that is not the way of things anymore

Instead I am surrounded by annoying requests, annoying people, annoying everything

I know it’s me. Annoying seems to be the filter I have created on this snowy day.

I preach my familiar words to myself

“Accept what you cannot change. Be grateful, It could always be worse, find the joy in the day, play, create the life you want instead of bemoaning the one you have.”

But I’m so DAMN tired – physically, emotionally, and spiritually

Some days I just don’t have the fight in me

I think about those things you hear on the news… 

about how happiness is 50% circumstance and 50%choice

I think it’s not an even mix every day. 

Some days it definitely feels more like 90% 

circumstance and 10% choice.

But I always always always ALWAYS always have a choice

DAMN it!

It’s so much easier to quit

To run

To stick with the grumble

To hide

5 insanely deep breaths

I close my eyes

I feel the still place

Truth flows

“YOU are not your feelings”

“YOU are at peace”

“YOU are love”

“YOU are courageous”

“YOU are amazing”

“Let the thoughts, the feelings, the rough heart, the sore body, the sensitive skin, let it roll by, it will pass”

Five more insanely deep breaths

I can do this

I can choose to see the light in me even on my hard and grumbly days

I can choose to see the gifts and be grateful even if I don’t feel the normal overflowing joy that comes from taking note of the good stuff. Even if all I feel is ugly and hard, I can choose. It will just make the easy days even brighter.

I see the gift of my children - even when they are grumbly and sick

I see the gift of my job - even when my boss is hung up on rules that drive me crazy

I see the gift of my guy - his calm spirit and encouraging words

I see the gift of the snow - it's beautiful as I stare out my office window

I see the gift of my sore body - proof of hard work and dedication

I see the gift of my delicate heart - compassion for others when they struggle

I see the gift of my emotions - reminders to step back into the still quiet place inside and out of my ego

I see the gift of life - { choice is { grace } is choice }

Ch ch ch changes

So, my head and heart are FULL with everything that’s happening in my world right now. It’s all SO GOOD. Here’s what’s up.

Learning: I stepped back into the PTI world last weekend. It was interesting being in a new to me role. Being the trigger vs. being the triggered. But then again it’s all the same thing and a giant cycle.

I choose to do my healing work at PTI because I see the immense benefit in the group setting. The clearing process is amazing and so beneficial. It provides an opportunity to do what we can’t do in our real lives….. to say “you pissed me off when you did X” and to get clear about our own role in that situation. It keeps hurt from being dusted under the rug and allows everyone to grow. I received a clearing with a new friend and I am so thankful she was honest about her feelings. The reason… “because she’s happy. It’s hard to be sad and upset around someone that is happy. And she played therapist instead of friend. I get the feeling she thinks she’s further along than me or better than me.”

I listened as she spoke about the feelings this brought up for her. And when asked outright if I felt that way, I had to answer honestly that yes I did have that shadow of superiority.

In that moment I realized that the superior (ego) shadow separates me from the connection I long for.

I want to love with grace each soul wherever they find themselves in the journey.

I want to find a balance between offering loving support and rescuing (aka playing the judge)

If I see a soul stuck on the path in the same way that I was stuck on the path several years ago, my knee jerk reaction is to offer advice. To say I’ve been there and show them the way.

But unless I am asked for that advice, I will show up with love instead.

It was also interesting being the vocal one in the group. When it came time to do our “work” and release the pent up feelings/words/physical frustrations I often found myself as the lone voice in doing so. It took me years to find my voice and anger that so desperately needed to be released in a healthy way. And I remember very well being terrified when I heard the people around me doing so. It often sent me into a fetal position wanting to run away from life FOREVER. But this time I heard the whimpers next to me as I screamed what needed to be screamed. It was difficult at times to stay present in my own journey and let go of fear about how it was affecting others. It was a gift to hear feedback later that my words were helpful to the people around me.

I am proud of myself for making the sacrifice to continue this journey…. To continue to grow and love myself.  Each time I learn something new that I can carry for the rest of my days.

Taking Care of Myself : the past few days I have been experiencing a lack of energy that is new to me. My lunchtime workouts have become a chore that I am pushing through. I wake exhausted after 8 hours of sleep and find myself drifting off during movies (that I really enjoy) or at stop lights. I have also gained a little weight even though my diet hasn’t changed much. I’m not sure what’s happening. But I’m listening deeply to my body. Choosing healthy whole foods, savoring meals so as not to eat beyond full and moving my body by following my heart. When I feel that drill sergeant yelling out orders to keep going Damn it. I tell him to back off, put up my step and walk into yoga class instead. My body desires movement, but sometimes that movement needs to be slow and kind.

Saying:  Hell YES comes to mind!! A few weeks ago my guy asked me to join him in the FOR REAL journey of life. I am awe struck by the grace and love we have found in our relationship. We pondered stealing away and saying our vows without telling a soul. But instead we have decided to make our commitment public so as to honor the feelings of our children and closest friends. We are planning to wed in the Red Rock Canyon near Las Vegas in April. We are writing our own vows and choosing to follow a journey that is unique to us. I am awed and honored to commit to this journey with Che. As difficult as our time apart was, it allowed us each to grow in ways that bring us closer now. It is amazing what can happen when two people choose to show up fully as themselves and trust in love and grace. We are not perfect by any means, but I believe we have what it takes to live a joyful and connected life together.

Moving:  The other huge change happening right now is in my residence. I found a house that I absolutely love in Sapulpa. It is built on a hillside with a backyard deck view of trees that makes me feel like I’m sitting in a cabin in Colorado. On the flip side, it is close to grocery stores and restaurants and similar in distance to the boys schools as my rental home now. The closing process is going smoothly and it looks like I’ll be moving the first weekend of March! The house is big enough that Che and his two younger boys will be able to join us as well. We have shared the news with all of the kids and everyone is excited about the shift happening in our lives. Two families becoming one. This is huge and it is awesome. I am so looking forward to cooking for a large family! We have a lot to figure out and transition will be the name of the game for months I am sure as we learn to all live together. But I am trusting and envisioning a peaceful home full of laughter, fun and love.

Watching: My favorite movie of late is the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Che and I saw it the first week we were back together. I was curled up (almost in his lap) the entire time and we kept looking at each other with giant smiles and “yes, that!!” looks. We laughed and of course, I cried. I am so inspired with stories of the human spirit choosing to open up and take risks. Hearts that choose adventure are awesome! I took the boys last weekend and we all enjoyed it. So thankful to be able to share an uplifting story with them. At home we have been watching Dr. Who episodes while we eat dinner. Hayden usually wanders off after we are done eating, but Roland and I almost always end up curled up under a blanket together entrenched in more episodes. I love these moments with him. He will be 12 soon and I am so so grateful that we have a relationship that still feels so close. I also love that we share a geeky sci-fi fascination.

Reading:  I am enjoying two books right now. Wild by Cheryl Strayed and A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks. Wild is about a woman who hikes the pacific crest trail alone on a mission to find herself. It sparks my inner gypsy and is just a great story about accepting yourself and finding your passion through following your heart. The Gay Hendricks book is a way to follow my word(s) of the year in bite size chunks. I love this statement for day one:

This year I commit to living consciously, and I commit to having fun as I do. I commit to expanding my consciousness and my capacity for fun every minute of this year.

It reminds me to never forget fun. In coming up with my words for the year I felt this pull to hold true to the growth I found last year. But as I wrote out that post, I remember feeling a bit forced or pushed as I did so. The words above are a good reminder to not just stay true to my commitments but to do so with joy and from love (not from fear of falling backwards)

Setting Goals: One of the big things for me right now is in creating the life I want to live. Yes I am grateful for all of the gifts in my life. I do however desire to find a more heart-centered working life. I have felt this way for years. I have an incredible job that provides well for me and the boys. But it is not my passion. I am choosing to seek out options and experiment with some side projects this year to get a better feel for what my heart-centered work might look like. I definitely felt a nudge during the Flora painting class to teach these concepts using my unique voice and perception. And even more, I feel a calling to do so with children. In the next couple of weeks I will be doing a little experiment with a dear friend and her daughter. We are going to paint and do a few letting go processes to work on perfectionism and allowing play into the creative process. I am scared to be honest. It is definitely an edge for me to take this on. But it’s also a baby step and the only pressure is self-induced. I will not run from this one. No matter the outcome I will learn and that’s always a good thing.

This is going to be a great year. I feel it. I know it.

So much love to whoever reads this long ramble today. I feel better getting it all out.

Conscious Commitment

In 2011 I began the practice of choosing a word to focus on for the year. Setting intentions and seeing them through has been a great way to stay focused on the growth and opportunity in my life.

 

Hope lit my way through 2011 and Letting go became the journey in 2012.

 

In 2013 I decided to learn the process of embracing. 2013 was a roller coaster year no doubt and learning to embrace each moment was an incredible exercise in growth. I learned to love all of the parts of myself. Blissful moments and heart wrenching grief filled moments were met with the same awe and sense of possibility. I grew from the embrace. That is for sure.

 

As I enter 2014 I feel a shift to two new words.

Conscious Commitment

conscious

: awake and able to understand what is happening around you

: acting with critical awareness

: aware of something

: knowing that something exists or is happening

: known or felt by yourself

: being concerned or interested

 

commitment

: a promise to do or give something

: a promise to be loyal to someone or something

: the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something

 

The Latin word for commitment is, committere, and means, “to gather your energy and move in a chosen direction.”  I want to do so with as much clarity and presence as possible.

 

 

In its simplest form Conscious Commitment means taking full responsibility for my life.

It is an energetic intention to stay present and grateful and choose to see the possibilities before me instead of feeling victimized by circumstances. It is about making brave bold choices to STAY when the shadow parts of me want to RUN.

Last year I experienced a deep shift when I read this excerpt from Gay Hendricks “Conscious Living” book.

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Whether you realize it or not, you are already demonstrating incredible power to create what you want—in fact, your current life is an example of the incredible power you possess to create, consciously or unconsciously. You might not like all that you have created. You might even refuse to accept that you have created your life through your choices and believe instead that it is something that has been “done to you.” It is true that you may not have consciously chosen many of the elements of your current life; nevertheless, it is your power that has manifested them. You were able to do this because of the power of commitment. The power of commitment has given you all the things that you now have. 

In the late 1970s, during an argument with my lover of five years, I suddenly realized that it was not our several-hundredth argument. It was our several-hundredth run-through of the same argument. A light bulb came on and a moment of awareness shined down upon me, and I clearly saw that our arguments always followed the same pattern of misery-producing moves. I stepped back from the process and wondered, “Why would I engage in a pattern like this? Given all the experiences I could be having as a human being, why do I keep repeating the pattern of lying and being lied to, being criticized and criticizing, blaming and being blamed, thinking of myself as a victim?” Then, in a rush of eye-opening realization, I got the answer: These things kept happening because I was committed to being criticized, committed to being betrayed, committed to arguing and lying. I was more committed to them than I was to being close. If I was lonely, it was because I was more committed to being lonely than I was to being connected. The moment I realized what my commitment was, I felt a shift. I did not like this idea very much when I first realized it—in fact, it actually made me angry—but I soon discovered that I was surrounded by the results of my real commitments, and that the circumstances of my life were direct evidence of my real commitments. 

It is important not to overestimate the level of your responsibility for the circumstances of your life. Although the present circumstances of your life are direct evidence of your real commitments, you certainly did not cause the situations of your birth, diseases such as cancer or heart disease, or the global conditions of war and poverty. Taking responsibility for the present circumstances of your life in the sense I am using it can never be assigned, it can only be claimed, and the reason it is claimed is that taking responsibility for the circumstances of your life is the key to creating what you really want. Once you take responsibility for the circumstances of your life, you also release the energy you have tied up in old commitments of blame and resentment to fuel your commitment to a new kind of relationship. 

Take a moment now to experience what it might be like to claim full responsibility for the circumstances of your life. For just a moment, imagine that if you are unlucky in love, it is because on some level (usually unconscious) you are committed to being unlucky in love. If you are overweight, it is because you are more committed to being overweight than you are to being slender. If you are unhappy with your job, it is because you are more committed to being unhappy in your job than you are to searching for a job that makes you happy. 

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After reading this my eyes were opened to a truth deep inside of me. I became aware of the unconscious commitments I had made to suffering. At first I felt angry and denied the words I was reading “Ridiculous!!! How dare you say I want to feel like this” and then as I got really honest with myself the truth rose up. It was easier to suffer, because then I didn’t have to risk anything. I  am not disappointed if I expect to suffer.

This year I want to begin the journey to conscious commitment. I want to practice showing up with more awareness and stop running. I no longer want to sit back and accept the suffering and numbness I have manifested in my life. I want to focus on the amazing blessings that surround me instead.  I am the creator of my life and the way I experience it is a choice.

 

I commit to taking full responsibility for the circumstances in my life and I commit to supporting others in taking full responsibility for their lives. I release blaming others and playing the role of victim, villain or hero. I am 100% responsible for what’s occurring in my life.

 

I commit to an attitude of curiosity and opportunity when dealing with relationships that push my edges. I use difficulties to learn and grow in self-awareness.

 

I commit to honesty in communication. I speak the truth with love and take care of myself so that others can express themselves with candor.

 

I commit to acknowledging my feelings and setting boundaries when needed. I express and allow them in healthy ways without covering the uncomfortable spaces with addictive or numbing behaviors. I commit to feeling my feelings all the way through to completion. As they rise, I locate them in my body. Then I breathe, move and vocalize them so they release all the way through. I releaseresisting, judging and apologizing for my feelings, as well as making them someone else’s fault. I release withholding, avoiding, and repressing them, contracting into fear and isolation.

 

I commit to possibility and abundance. I live from the belief that I have enough of everything—including time, money, love, energy, space and resources

 

I commit to creating my own safety, happiness, love and approval. I release the idea that others are responsible for these feelings.

 

I commit to seeing all points of view as truth. The opposite of my understanding is as true as my own.

 

I commit to gratitude... giving and receiving it lavishly.

 

I commit to STAY in the moment. In each breath. In bliss, pain, joy, connection, laughter or discomfort. I will stay. 

Brave Love

“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.” Brene’ Brown

I struggle to find words to adequately describe reconnecting with my guy the past few weeks. This will most likely be clumsy and trite compared to what I feel inside. But I must get something down. I choose to let go of finding the perfect sentiments.

My thoughts and words tend to the black and white. The desire to tie everything together like a perfectly written thesis with a clear and resolved ending and moral lesson swirls in my mind. Loose ends and threads of philosophical morality bob in and out, each perspective trying to win the argument.

When I let go of the thoughts, I find my heart. And it feels ablaze with hope. It feels held in a container of grace. It feels seen and loved in return. And that, that is all that really matters to me now.

Some things cannot be explained, only felt.

Like the knowing that comes from looking deeply into the eyes of another soul.

Sometimes that knowing says “I care for you, but you are not meant for me. My heart belongs to another”

Sometimes that knowing says “you are me and I am you. I love you. I am home again”

Vulnerability and grace are the most powerful forces of the human spirit. With vulnerability comes the absolute necessity for courage. Brave expression is required to be fully seen… darkness, light, joy, pain, jealousy, tears, hope, all of it. Running is not an option and running can take many forms.

This journey has been difficult, but it was all necessary. Every moment of pain and grief and hope had to swirl through my heart in order to find the place where I could love myself fully and stop trying to prove to everyone else that I deserved theirs. Am I 100% there? No, but I have made major headway.

Last night, my love looked at me with so much intensity in his eyes and told me “I will give you the love you deserve”. My heart shuttered. It ran a little and then turned back around and peeked back at him. And then I made the choice to stop that old story of unworthiness. I looked at him with matching intensity and said “I will receive it. I will give you the same. I will give you a love that allows you to always feel free and I ask the same in return”.

Because now, after the journey of losing each other, I see it. I see the gift. Sometimes you have to lose something to fully appreciate what you had. And now we both see so clearly that we are meant to walk this road of life together. And we are both on board with showing up fully to make it happen. And the best part is that we are in a much better place inside ourselves at understanding that we fully deserve each other’s love.

I am honored and awe struck at the grace and brave courage I see before me and within me. No more running.. even in small ways. Each of us is giving our all to create something bigger than we can be on our own.

I am humbled.

I am thankful.

I am loved.

Thank you Che.

Thank you for your brave love and grace.

Painting my journey

So much is happening over here. It is difficult to wrap words around the shifts and major life decisions that I am making each day.

Grief, Peace, Bravery and Joy

The past six months have changed me forever.

I have learned how to root my spirit deeply.

I have learned how to listen and follow my heart

Sometimes the wake of that following leaves a fiery trail.

I have had to make difficult choices

But I have learned how to hold on to the love even if I have had to say goodbye

I have formed new habits

Dug deep grounded roots into the essence of who I am

I have found that still place and the wide open sky inside

I found freedom and commitment and the dance between the two

Painting has become my practice and teacher

I gifted myself the experience of learning from a woman who’s paintings and life inspire me deeply

Her painting course was more than techniques and processes for canvas and paint

It opened my eyes to the beauty of the creative process and how it is such an allegory for the journey of life

Grounding before creating

Listening deeply and following the tiny urges – go left – go right – big strokes – tiny details

Play and Let go of Creating a Set Outcome

Get Out of Your Own Way

Variation – change it up – try new things

Let it go – don’t hold things so preciously that you lose freedom to follow your intuition

Step back and be Grateful for this very breath

Love it all even if it is in the ugly teenage stage

Spiral In

Spiral Out

Hold the brush loose

If you don’t like something, choose again. You can always add another layer

But let the parts you do love shine through

Work with what’s working and do more of what you like instead of focusing on the parts you don’t like

Make bold commitments by following your heart/gut

It’s never too late to make a bold move – we get to choose and choose again

Life is an intuitive dance in each present moment.

Like painting… Each stroke, Each moment has its own story to tell.

Change is inevitable

Flowing with it brings peace

Resistance brings suffering

Painting has become the prayer to teach me the process

 

This past week abundance showed up in many forms in my life. It was what I had been asking for. And we all know the saying, be careful what you ask for. The realization that with abundance comes hard choices had never really occurred to me.. at least not at this level. Options that all call to me, each in their own beautiful way.

I have learned to simply follow my heart in each moment to make those choices. I have chosen and chosen and chosen again.

And now, I have stepped up and made a brave and bold choice to choose commitment again.

I believe I had to go on this journey to be able to stand on my own two feet and be steady in that commitment. I feel ready and eager for the journey ahead.

My heart is grateful for all of the love that came knocking and I’m grateful that I get to open the door and let it in.

And because Love battles

And because love battles

not only in its burning agricultures
but also in the mouth of men and women, I will finish off by taking the path away to those who between my chest and your fragrance want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse
they will tell you, my love,
than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies
before I got to know you
and I did not wait love but I was
laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?
I am neither good nor bad but a man,
and they will then associate the danger
of my life, which you know
and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger
is danger of love, of complete love
for all life,
for all lives,
and if this love brings us
the death and the prisons,
I am sure that your big eyes,
as when I kiss them,
will then close with pride,
into double pride, love,
with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before
to wear down the tour
of the sweet and hard love which binds us,
and they will say: “The one
you love,
is not a woman for you,
Why do you love her? I think
you could find one more beautiful,
more serious, more deep,
more other, you understand me, look how she’s light,
and what a head she has,
and look at how she dresses,
and etcetera and etcetera”.

And I in these lines say:
Like this I want you, love,
love, Like this I love you,
as you dress
and how your hair lifts up
and how your mouth smiles,
light as the water
of the spring upon the pure stones,
Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me
but only not to lack during every day of life.
I don’t know anything about light, from where it comes nor where it goes,
I only want the light to light up,
I do not ask to the night
explanations,
I wait for it and it envelops me,
And so you, bread and light
And shadow are.

You came to my life
with what you were bringing,
made of light and bread and shadow I expected you,
and Like this I need you,
Like this I love you,
and to those who want to hear tomorrow
that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,
and let them back off today because it is early
for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them
a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf
which will fall on the earth
like if it had been made by our lips
like a kiss which falls
from our invincible heights
to show the fire and the tenderness
of a true love. 

Pablo Neruda

Stillness Moves Mountains

Today, look upon your life, your bank account, your family, each

person you meet, as a wild horse. If a problem looks difficult, relax.

If it looks impossible, relax even more. Then begin encouraging small

changes, putting just enough pressure on yourself to move one turtle step

forward. Then rest, savor, celebrate.  Then step again.  You’ll find

that slow is fast, gentle is powerful, and stillness moves mountains.

 

Martha Beck