Really?

Forgive, today, your shortened temper, your discontent, the shaky ends of your patience. Dismiss the invectives you rake against your too-thin skin. Ignore the plummet of your faith, the rise of your anxiety, the see-saw of your goodwill. Discharge the sergeant of your guilt, the devil of your disappointment. Raze the monument of lists you failed to complete and the award for kindness you wrested from your own hands. Allow, for once, a recess from harmony, a caesura from grace. Go missing from your own party, and walk lone circles in the forest long after the light fades west. There are days   when the best you can do is show up in absentia, when ghosts are your allies, when you tuck into the bed of your own disappearance, knowing you are still safe.  Maya Stein

Today is a “Really?” day

It has been on the tip of my tongue from the start

Hearing the familiar crunchy spatter on the sky light in the bathroom

Yep – the awaited storm came – freezing drizzle, bitter winds, no school

But wait

Really?

School’s in??

Yep

Let go of the expected, accept it, get your butt in the shower and do your thing

It’s hard enough to find my gratitude for myself but talking two VERY annoyed boys into it is an act of futility

I hear them out

Tell them I understand

“But sometimes you just gotta do the thing, no matter if it makes no sense at all”

I hear my words (preach it mama) but do I really believe them?

I notice Hayden is sick (again)

Ugh

Really? Why can’t we keep this kid healthy?

It seems he is on Allegra or Zyrtec or Claritin year round.

The words “allergies come from a toxic environment” ring around in my head.

Old PTI words that I know to be true

What can I do? How can I be better to give these kids the life they deserve?

Sigh

Deep breaths on a very slow drive through town

I find my way into the office

Snapping pics of the snow, anything to bring my heart a little joy on this cold cold morning

Body tired and sore from the previous days workout

Skin dry and sensitive

Heart – I don’t know – it feels soft but simultaneously hard as a rock

I don’t want to be seen today – physically or emotionally

I just want to sleep – for weeks it seems

I ponder the days of old when women hibernated during their cycle

Sounds like a good idea – for EVERYONE

But that is not the way of things anymore

Instead I am surrounded by annoying requests, annoying people, annoying everything

I know it’s me. Annoying seems to be the filter I have created on this snowy day.

I preach my familiar words to myself

“Accept what you cannot change. Be grateful, It could always be worse, find the joy in the day, play, create the life you want instead of bemoaning the one you have.”

But I’m so DAMN tired – physically, emotionally, and spiritually

Some days I just don’t have the fight in me

I think about those things you hear on the news… 

about how happiness is 50% circumstance and 50%choice

I think it’s not an even mix every day. 

Some days it definitely feels more like 90% 

circumstance and 10% choice.

But I always always always ALWAYS always have a choice

DAMN it!

It’s so much easier to quit

To run

To stick with the grumble

To hide

5 insanely deep breaths

I close my eyes

I feel the still place

Truth flows

“YOU are not your feelings”

“YOU are at peace”

“YOU are love”

“YOU are courageous”

“YOU are amazing”

“Let the thoughts, the feelings, the rough heart, the sore body, the sensitive skin, let it roll by, it will pass”

Five more insanely deep breaths

I can do this

I can choose to see the light in me even on my hard and grumbly days

I can choose to see the gifts and be grateful even if I don’t feel the normal overflowing joy that comes from taking note of the good stuff. Even if all I feel is ugly and hard, I can choose. It will just make the easy days even brighter.

I see the gift of my children - even when they are grumbly and sick

I see the gift of my job - even when my boss is hung up on rules that drive me crazy

I see the gift of my guy - his calm spirit and encouraging words

I see the gift of the snow - it's beautiful as I stare out my office window

I see the gift of my sore body - proof of hard work and dedication

I see the gift of my delicate heart - compassion for others when they struggle

I see the gift of my emotions - reminders to step back into the still quiet place inside and out of my ego

I see the gift of life - { choice is { grace } is choice }