So, my head and heart are FULL with everything that’s happening in my world right now. It’s all SO GOOD. Here’s what’s up.
Learning: I stepped back into the PTI world last weekend. It was interesting being in a new to me role. Being the trigger vs. being the triggered. But then again it’s all the same thing and a giant cycle.
I choose to do my healing work at PTI because I see the immense benefit in the group setting. The clearing process is amazing and so beneficial. It provides an opportunity to do what we can’t do in our real lives….. to say “you pissed me off when you did X” and to get clear about our own role in that situation. It keeps hurt from being dusted under the rug and allows everyone to grow. I received a clearing with a new friend and I am so thankful she was honest about her feelings. The reason… “because she’s happy. It’s hard to be sad and upset around someone that is happy. And she played therapist instead of friend. I get the feeling she thinks she’s further along than me or better than me.”
I listened as she spoke about the feelings this brought up for her. And when asked outright if I felt that way, I had to answer honestly that yes I did have that shadow of superiority.
In that moment I realized that the superior (ego) shadow separates me from the connection I long for.
I want to love with grace each soul wherever they find themselves in the journey.
I want to find a balance between offering loving support and rescuing (aka playing the judge)
If I see a soul stuck on the path in the same way that I was stuck on the path several years ago, my knee jerk reaction is to offer advice. To say I’ve been there and show them the way.
But unless I am asked for that advice, I will show up with love instead.
It was also interesting being the vocal one in the group. When it came time to do our “work” and release the pent up feelings/words/physical frustrations I often found myself as the lone voice in doing so. It took me years to find my voice and anger that so desperately needed to be released in a healthy way. And I remember very well being terrified when I heard the people around me doing so. It often sent me into a fetal position wanting to run away from life FOREVER. But this time I heard the whimpers next to me as I screamed what needed to be screamed. It was difficult at times to stay present in my own journey and let go of fear about how it was affecting others. It was a gift to hear feedback later that my words were helpful to the people around me.
I am proud of myself for making the sacrifice to continue this journey…. To continue to grow and love myself. Each time I learn something new that I can carry for the rest of my days.
Taking Care of Myself : the past few days I have been experiencing a lack of energy that is new to me. My lunchtime workouts have become a chore that I am pushing through. I wake exhausted after 8 hours of sleep and find myself drifting off during movies (that I really enjoy) or at stop lights. I have also gained a little weight even though my diet hasn’t changed much. I’m not sure what’s happening. But I’m listening deeply to my body. Choosing healthy whole foods, savoring meals so as not to eat beyond full and moving my body by following my heart. When I feel that drill sergeant yelling out orders to keep going Damn it. I tell him to back off, put up my step and walk into yoga class instead. My body desires movement, but sometimes that movement needs to be slow and kind.
Saying: Hell YES comes to mind!! A few weeks ago my guy asked me to join him in the FOR REAL journey of life. I am awe struck by the grace and love we have found in our relationship. We pondered stealing away and saying our vows without telling a soul. But instead we have decided to make our commitment public so as to honor the feelings of our children and closest friends. We are planning to wed in the Red Rock Canyon near Las Vegas in April. We are writing our own vows and choosing to follow a journey that is unique to us. I am awed and honored to commit to this journey with Che. As difficult as our time apart was, it allowed us each to grow in ways that bring us closer now. It is amazing what can happen when two people choose to show up fully as themselves and trust in love and grace. We are not perfect by any means, but I believe we have what it takes to live a joyful and connected life together.
Moving: The other huge change happening right now is in my residence. I found a house that I absolutely love in Sapulpa. It is built on a hillside with a backyard deck view of trees that makes me feel like I’m sitting in a cabin in Colorado. On the flip side, it is close to grocery stores and restaurants and similar in distance to the boys schools as my rental home now. The closing process is going smoothly and it looks like I’ll be moving the first weekend of March! The house is big enough that Che and his two younger boys will be able to join us as well. We have shared the news with all of the kids and everyone is excited about the shift happening in our lives. Two families becoming one. This is huge and it is awesome. I am so looking forward to cooking for a large family! We have a lot to figure out and transition will be the name of the game for months I am sure as we learn to all live together. But I am trusting and envisioning a peaceful home full of laughter, fun and love.
Watching: My favorite movie of late is the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Che and I saw it the first week we were back together. I was curled up (almost in his lap) the entire time and we kept looking at each other with giant smiles and “yes, that!!” looks. We laughed and of course, I cried. I am so inspired with stories of the human spirit choosing to open up and take risks. Hearts that choose adventure are awesome! I took the boys last weekend and we all enjoyed it. So thankful to be able to share an uplifting story with them. At home we have been watching Dr. Who episodes while we eat dinner. Hayden usually wanders off after we are done eating, but Roland and I almost always end up curled up under a blanket together entrenched in more episodes. I love these moments with him. He will be 12 soon and I am so so grateful that we have a relationship that still feels so close. I also love that we share a geeky sci-fi fascination.
Reading: I am enjoying two books right now. Wild by Cheryl Strayed and A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks. Wild is about a woman who hikes the pacific crest trail alone on a mission to find herself. It sparks my inner gypsy and is just a great story about accepting yourself and finding your passion through following your heart. The Gay Hendricks book is a way to follow my word(s) of the year in bite size chunks. I love this statement for day one:
This year I commit to living consciously, and I commit to having fun as I do. I commit to expanding my consciousness and my capacity for fun every minute of this year.
It reminds me to never forget fun. In coming up with my words for the year I felt this pull to hold true to the growth I found last year. But as I wrote out that post, I remember feeling a bit forced or pushed as I did so. The words above are a good reminder to not just stay true to my commitments but to do so with joy and from love (not from fear of falling backwards)
Setting Goals: One of the big things for me right now is in creating the life I want to live. Yes I am grateful for all of the gifts in my life. I do however desire to find a more heart-centered working life. I have felt this way for years. I have an incredible job that provides well for me and the boys. But it is not my passion. I am choosing to seek out options and experiment with some side projects this year to get a better feel for what my heart-centered work might look like. I definitely felt a nudge during the Flora painting class to teach these concepts using my unique voice and perception. And even more, I feel a calling to do so with children. In the next couple of weeks I will be doing a little experiment with a dear friend and her daughter. We are going to paint and do a few letting go processes to work on perfectionism and allowing play into the creative process. I am scared to be honest. It is definitely an edge for me to take this on. But it’s also a baby step and the only pressure is self-induced. I will not run from this one. No matter the outcome I will learn and that’s always a good thing.
This is going to be a great year. I feel it. I know it.
So much love to whoever reads this long ramble today. I feel better getting it all out.
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