Chaos theory

The bouncing brigade of notes plays into my dream

Ugh

It’s time to get up

But I am E X H A U S T E D

“Just ten more minutes”

And in those ten minutes new dreams flood in

That’s when I know I’ve gone too far... When I dream in my daydreams

The choices of what to do line up in my mind..

1 - be honest with yourself and speak what you feel. Get really really real. This is  immediately followed by a barrage of self-deprecating statements.. “it’s your own damn fault you feel like this..” “if you’d done what you were supposed to do back in 1998 you wouldn’t be in this situation”, etc.. )

2 – try to accept the annoying things in life and force a grateful attitude. Forcing gratitude never works for me. Just makes me feel even worse.

3 – get your ass out of bed and in the shower and do what you have to do. Push away the feelings, ignore the thoughts, your body, all of the warning signs, blame it on the hormones. Let the anxiety slowly burn into a fury of snarky statements. Lash out at anyone who dares say hello (or God forbid offers a kind word). Push everyone away. Everyone! Including yourself.

4 – spend time with the observer – self gaze in the mirror and simply watch all the mania happening inside. This brings peace as long as I’m doing it, but goes away when I’m back in the real world again.

5 – show some compassion – do some loving self talk “you won’t always feel like this” “you’re going through a lot of change right now, it’s going to feel uncomfortable” “go easy on you, it’s ok”

6 – research – read posts about BURNOUT from my go-to self help gurus. Find some solutions. Take some deep breaths and realize this isn’t the end of the world.

When the big emotions show up FEAR takes over. Through lots of work and research over the years I understand now what happens. When stress builds to a certain level the ingrained fight or flight hormones kick in and my brain goes into survival mode. I stop thinking clearly and lose hope. In essence I panic and feel like panic is the only state that has ever existed in my life.

There is a middle ground and I’m finding it. Slowly, surely, one baby step at a time I’m finding it.

This is what I know to be true and how I’m digging myself out of this round of panic.

Softening – I am moving slower, taking breaks to think slower, write slower, walk slower and breathe. I don’t have to escape everything to find some ease. 5 minutes of deep breathing can do wonders to soften the feelings.

Letting go – I am letting go of control, one clenched finger at a time. It is impossible to control everything and the energy that goes into my anxious ways is the majority of the reason why I feel so exhausted. I am searching for a balance here. I know in my heart of hearts that I enjoy order and organization. I simply feel chaotic when in a chaotic space. But there are times when chaos is the norm. Hello moving!! If I am kind with myself I can learn to embrace all of the clutter around me without freaking out. But I am not wrong for desiring order in my daily life.

Owning it – I do need to own my place in the chaos and confusion and exhaustion I feel. Blaming others, God, life will only perpetuate the pattern in my life. I am the one who chose to make incredible life changing decisions in a VERY short amount of time. I brought on the chaos and the time crunches that I am living in right now. In the future I will plan more space into these big changes. Downtime has to be part of the plan as well because our bodies and minds are not meant to work 16 hour days for weeks at a time. Sure some can do so and handle it, but not me. And I create the life I live, so going forward, I will do my best to plan things in a way that I can achieve them. No more setting myself up for failure.

Ask/Tell – Ask for help and Speak what needs to be spoken. Joining two families together is going to take work. We can do so as a team. This will require asking (not demanding) help and speaking up when I feel genuinely hurt or upset about something. This is HARD stuff here. It’s so tricky finding that balance between speaking truth and blaming. But I will find it in time.

Accolades – I am patting myself on the back for doing my best so far. If there is one thing I know about myself it’s that I’m courageous. Even when I’m running, I’m doing it bravely. It’s such a strange mix sometimes. I may feel overwhelmed, exhausted and in over my head today, but at least I’m taking the time to do something about it in a healthy way.

Removing a layer of fear – I am noticing that I often exacerbate a difficult emotion day by adding a layer of fear (I’m always going to feel like this. I’m so fucked up, etc) on top of the already hard emotions. Meditation is helping a lot with this practice. If I sit and watch the emotions like passing cars on a highway, that top layer goes away, along with the shame.

Gratitude – when I take the time to do the above, the gratitude finds its way to me naturally. It doesn’t feel forced at all. I am grateful for the friends and family that have checked in to make sure I’m still breathing. I’m thankful for the random strangers that smile at me when I’m grimacing on the elevator. I am thankful for the childlike spirit of joy and fun that is so alive in our new home right now. A new family is being born before my eyes, even in the midst of a tornado of stuff that has yet to find it’s new resting place. I am grateful for my partner and love that stays on my left and asks what he can do to help. I see his hard work, his courage, his determination to create a beautiful life with me and he loves me so fiercely even when I forget to love myself. It gives me strength when I forget my own.