Brave Love

“I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.” Brene’ Brown

I struggle to find words to adequately describe reconnecting with my guy the past few weeks. This will most likely be clumsy and trite compared to what I feel inside. But I must get something down. I choose to let go of finding the perfect sentiments.

My thoughts and words tend to the black and white. The desire to tie everything together like a perfectly written thesis with a clear and resolved ending and moral lesson swirls in my mind. Loose ends and threads of philosophical morality bob in and out, each perspective trying to win the argument.

When I let go of the thoughts, I find my heart. And it feels ablaze with hope. It feels held in a container of grace. It feels seen and loved in return. And that, that is all that really matters to me now.

Some things cannot be explained, only felt.

Like the knowing that comes from looking deeply into the eyes of another soul.

Sometimes that knowing says “I care for you, but you are not meant for me. My heart belongs to another”

Sometimes that knowing says “you are me and I am you. I love you. I am home again”

Vulnerability and grace are the most powerful forces of the human spirit. With vulnerability comes the absolute necessity for courage. Brave expression is required to be fully seen… darkness, light, joy, pain, jealousy, tears, hope, all of it. Running is not an option and running can take many forms.

This journey has been difficult, but it was all necessary. Every moment of pain and grief and hope had to swirl through my heart in order to find the place where I could love myself fully and stop trying to prove to everyone else that I deserved theirs. Am I 100% there? No, but I have made major headway.

Last night, my love looked at me with so much intensity in his eyes and told me “I will give you the love you deserve”. My heart shuttered. It ran a little and then turned back around and peeked back at him. And then I made the choice to stop that old story of unworthiness. I looked at him with matching intensity and said “I will receive it. I will give you the same. I will give you a love that allows you to always feel free and I ask the same in return”.

Because now, after the journey of losing each other, I see it. I see the gift. Sometimes you have to lose something to fully appreciate what you had. And now we both see so clearly that we are meant to walk this road of life together. And we are both on board with showing up fully to make it happen. And the best part is that we are in a much better place inside ourselves at understanding that we fully deserve each other’s love.

I am honored and awe struck at the grace and brave courage I see before me and within me. No more running.. even in small ways. Each of us is giving our all to create something bigger than we can be on our own.

I am humbled.

I am thankful.

I am loved.

Thank you Che.

Thank you for your brave love and grace.