Broken pieces

"We go back... And back.. And back.. Through the layers of fear, shame, rage, hurt, and negative incantations until we discover the exuberant, unencumbered, delightful, and lovable child that was, and still is, in us." Melody Beattie

Melody Beattie is one of my heroes. I have never met her but read many of her books. When my life is hard I often think about the trials she endured and remember it could always be worse. But she gives me hope. She found her way through tragedies unimaginable to most. And she used them to grow and help other souls along the path.
Today I'm back to violently shifting moods. I wonder if its hormonal, a vitamin issue, the lack of time with Che, shadows rising, loneliness or a combination of everything. It's extremely frustrating and makes me feel unsafe to be alone. How can I trust myself when myself is shifting so strongly hour by hour?
I take time to breathe.... Breathe in the light, breathe in my healthy adult, breathe in Angelica (the spirit that protected Poppy), breathe in archangel Michael, and tonight I took a good look at the beautiful moon overhead and breathed in some of her energy as well. It calms me for a moment. The emotions soften and I feel like me again. But I'm left with the destruction they've caused and it tears my heart in pieces.
I know I'm going to get through this, learn from it, all that, but I'm so tired of climbing this mountain. I long for a peace that lasts. For clarity that will allow me to trust myself again.
Hope tells me it will come. To let go of the reins a bit and go for the ride. It will all be ok. I don't have to be perfect, no one else is either. But how do I keep my priorities and go for this ride? I have to create safety and a loving home for my boys. I honestly don't know the answer except to do the best and choose in their favor at every moment I can. And when I am alone, take care of myself, write, rage, do whatever is required in that moment. Most of all I must never give up or see myself as completely broken. I'm just on a journey to find my missing pieces and put them back together again.