Letting the Light in

Things are still a bit disjointed over here, but I’m pushing forward and embracing the light wherever it finds me.

This place I’m in makes it difficult to write.. but I still feel the need to get these thoughts out there.. even if they are a tangled mess that don’t make sense to anyone but me. I know someday, years from now, I will look back at this. I will remember the mixture of joy and confusion I was feeling and be grateful that I chose to write it all anyway.

So here it is.. the random things running through my brain day and night.

Christmas – how it feels so different since I let go of religion. I struggle with how to celebrate with my children without getting caught up in the commercialism. I want our holidays to be focused on “togetherness” instead.

Gifts – I love to give handmade heartfelt gifts, but have had a lack of creativity this year. It’s frustrating. I’m procrastinating and not sure I will be able to get it all done. I guess this is another letting go thing, but it makes me sad

I miss running… and warmer weather. The cold makes me grumpy and unmotivated. I’ve got to find a new routine and remember that warmer days will return again. I am also still trying to figure out if I can run a marathon on my own or just wait for my friends to join me later in the year.

Disappointment is a mind set. I have a pattern of receiving a little “bad news” and allowing it to destroy my hopes and dreams. Obstacles are to be expected. They are challenges to overcome, not dead end streets.

Trying to find the balance between looking forward to things without allowing my happiness to be determined by them. Live for today… always. Hope for tomorrow, but live like today is my last. I know the reason why I struggle with this and I will find a way through it. New perspectives are needed I’m sure and a whole lot of gratitude.

I’m tired of feeling lonely and disconnected. I have more friends and family than I can count. So why oh why do I constantly feel separated and alone? I am grieving for the loss of some very dear friends that I am no longer close to. But I am also surrounded by more love than ever before.

I know it is possible to be at peace in the midst of uncertainty and not give up hope. I have come so far in this area already in my life. But obviously I have more to learn. I’m pretty sure the trick is finding a way to laugh at it all.

Working on integrating poppy and my teen (Arin). Trying to rush that process in one meditation session created a slight madness that I’m not ok with. This will take time and patience. But it will happen and I’m thankful for the connections I do have with them now.

I’m excited for tonight! The boys are back home and we are starting the first of many of our Christmas traditions. Tonight we decorate the tree while watching elf. I’m making pancakes and yummy bacon (because we love syrup just like Elf). The boys love this tradition and I know that within a few years they will outgrow it. So tonight I’m savoring this time with them.

Life is a ride for sure. We will always have personality flaws to fix or trials to conquer. But when it comes down to it, we have so much to be happy about. Whatever we are facing, it could always be 100 times worse. I don’t think that means we should dismiss the feelings of anger or sadness that come up. Running from them and squashing them only produces shame. Instead I think we need to sit in the dark with them and allow them to overtake us even if it is only for a moment.  Once those feelings are heard and released we can truly let go of them. Maybe it doesn't work for everyone, but that is the only way I have been able to let go of fear and allow the light into my soul.