Just finished seeing Les Mis with my guy. A story that I know well but to see it portrayed by such amazing actors and actresses was incredible. Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway were my favorites. The emotion they portrayed felt so real and true it made me wonder what they were drawing on in their real lives.
One of the things I have been working through recently is learning to see the gift in each of my shadows. I see one shadow in particular as hopelessness embodied. She simply wants to run away from everything and cease to exist. It bothers me so much because that is not how I want to live my life. I worked for years to overcome that depressed side of myself and when I feel her rising it causes great panic inside.
But today as I watched Anne Hathaway sing I dreamed a dream the universe gave me a mirror. By no means am I comparing my pain and suffering to that character.. No way in hell. I am blessed and prosperous in so many ways and truly grateful. But this shadow of defeat is still within me and I saw in that mirror today that sadness, hopelessness, frustration and pain can truly be beautiful beyond measure. I weeped as I watched her sing and I felt the crowd in the theater crying along as well. Even if there were no tears, empathy. Pain is something that draws people together. It makes us focus and appreciate each other.
There is a gift in my sullen shadow. She is what gives me compassion for others along the journey. She is soft, so soft she feels flattened. But I know I can work with her to show her the light. I am grateful she is a part of me and I hope to embrace her love well.
In a scene after that song Hugh Jackman picks her up and carries her away to help her. I imagined myself reaching into the tide where my shadow lives and carrying her along the beach. Giving her shelter and warm food. Nurturing her back to health and showing her the light of day. Teaching her to hope again.
But I could not have gotten to this place of accepting these shadow without the help of a few close friends and especially Che. He sees all of my parts.. Watches them shift in my eyes and accepts all of them. That acceptance propels my own acceptance and for that there are no words of gratitude strong enough to cover the actual feeling.
This is going to be a great year. I see a strength rising in so many people around me. A force fueled by love, acceptance and sacrifice. Let it rise.
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