No feeling is final

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like a flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.
Rainer Maria Rilke

I heard this poem while listening to a Pema Chodron audio on Spotify, which I have been doing for the last several months on my morning commute. This practice of starting my day with wisdom and laughter (she is actually really funny) has been really good for me.

Pema describes the quote as one of the most valuable teachings on impermanence ever written.

I have to agree

Especially this part:

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.

In moments of pain or frustration (aka 3 minute plank in gym class), I remember “this feeling won’t last”

In moments of bliss(aka finding another love note on the typewriter from Che), I remember “this feeling won’t last”

I am learning to live in each moment, fully

I am learning to relax with it, to observe and to be grateful to simply be alive and ride this roller coaster we call life

Today I went for a run downtown on my lunch break

Passing strangers, noticing the clouds above me and the road below me

The ever changing grade and change in surroundings is why I love to run outside.

Treadmills bore me and I refuse to spend my exercise time on them

And today I realized why

It’s all about the shifting

Without change life would feel like living in a cardboard box with no air or light

I am grateful for both daily dissatisfactions and blissful moments

They keep things fresh and point me to my purpose on this earth

To connect and love

What a beautiful awareness

Ironically I know a new day will come and I will forget these lessons

But it’s just an opportunity to discover it again

And again

The joy really is in the journey

Birth

"We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Some days just hurt, ya know?

I find myself in a period of transition and birth.

Having birthed two children I can say with clarity, it takes courage, energy and patience.

And there is no epidural for emotional birth

Something has awakened in my spirit

It is a cry from my deepest self, to start living the life I crave

My desires show up in the little aha moments of inspiration, in jealous flares, as aching longing, as flutters of gratitude.

I think they have always been there, I am finally understanding what they are

Pain is opportunity

Always

It is very difficult to walk with that awareness when it burns and drops you to your knees

When the alarm clock buzzes and the reality of another long day in the office weighs on your chest like a tank.

The opportunity is the choice to decide what to do about that feeling

I can roll around in misery and self-flagellation for not following my heart sooner

Or

I can birth something new

I can use the pain to find the energy to persist in the creation

And the real trick my friends…

Is moving forward with grace for the realities of life

Surrender

Patience

Small achievable steps

This is the way

And when I stumble and the weight of the tank is so much to bear that I can barely look my lover in the eye

I look myself in the eye and say

“you can do this sweet girl”

“I know you’re scared and it seems like it’s all too much right now”

"But You CAN do this”

“You are brave”

“You are strong”

“You are wise”

“You can handle any situation that comes your way”

“Keep moving”

“Keep dreaming”

“Let the love in”

“Find the joy in the journey”

"Smell the flowers”

“Notice the light”

“And remember YOU DON’T HAVE TO WALK ALONE”

Playing Catchup

Has it really been two months since I last posted here?

So Much Has Happened !!!!!!!!

And it’s been so so good my friends.

We moved into our new home at the end of February. We had a week to get my things settled and build two bedrooms in the garage. We rocked it. It was stressful, I won’t lie and I maaayyyy have pushed myself a little too hard. But sometimes life requires us to push past our edges and push we did.



We are far from finished and we have so many fun ideas and projects in mind to keep us busy for months to come. But I’m finding it feels really good to relax into the giant project plans and TRUST that we will get everything fixed up just the way we want it in good time.

I have to say that I so enjoy sharing a home with Che. Our creative spirits work side by side. We have a lot of fun bouncing ideas off of each other. We have managed to come up with some great DIY budget friendly solutions. We took a 3 bedroom house with a basement and managed to make a 5 bedroom house that includes a large art studio. In time we will be adding a sun room as well and we have a really cool idea for that project! I plan to share all of the details once we get started.

So far my favorite projects are the duct tape walls we made for the boys and this awesome upcycled dining room table that Che made using wood that was left at the house. So awesome!












About a month after we moved into the house we went on a trip half way across the country and said our vows in the most beautiful setting – right off the hiking path in Red Rock Canyon.




We were surrounded by Che’s sister and her family and our dear friends Lori and Ike. It was such a gift having loved ones with us and I truly felt our loved ones back home with us in spirit as well. For me the best part was being able to be so present as we made our commitments and promises to each other. My normally sweaty hands were bone dry. I was at peace and so happy to begin the journey with Che. Yes our journey really began several years ago, but now there is no turning back. Only forward.




Our minister was absolutely wonderful. Roland August - we love you and thank you for making our day so special. I knew he was a great fit when he asked us to choose our own spot to stand and when he asked us all to take a deep breath before we got started. He gave us a beautiful blessing and manifestation for a happy life together. He also noticed the dragonfly that sat perched on the rock near us during the ceremony. Another blessing from the universe!

Our honeymoon to California was pleasant but entirely too short for what we planned. Next time we will take more time and plan for time to relax. You live and learn.




The past few months have been full and yet my heart has taken on another project and won’t let go. I feel a MAJOR calling to begin a career that is in line with my life callings and less about simply making a living. I am taking big steps and choosing risks carefully to make it happen. I have ideas and plans mapped out in my 90 day Project planner (so type A I know) The idea is worthy and definitely has a market here in Tulsa. I will share more as I take more steps! This is really BIG and awesome!





The boys are doing well adjusting to all of the change. They enjoy the woods behind our new home and “living in the country” as Roland puts it. He told me last night that he had missed the quiet while he was away at his dad’s last week. We are all adjusting to the changes and learning how to be a family. We have already created a special recipe that is new to all of us. French toast waffles,who knew? Our home is full of boy energy and creativity. It takes grace and patience to learn to live with each other, but it is going really well! The boys and I find time to hang just on our own as well. We still go to Chimi’s on Wednesday nights when they are with me. On nice evenings we eat on the patio and catch up on life. I love the funny little habit we have created of watching silly cat videos on youtube while we wait for our food.




Life is busy. Life is good. I wouldn’t change a thing. Thanks for catching up with me.

How I play

The past few months I have found a paradox with this word.

I have been setting weekly goals to “make play a priority” “carve out space for joy”

As the weeks roll on I find myself pondering how to make that happen. 

How do you put Joy in the daytimer?

When those heavy and sad emotions show up the idea of play/joy seems like solving quantum physics.

But as my mood shifts and things lighten up, I find the knuckles pinking up and a silly grin across my face.

I notice the little moments where I am chasing the boys around or watching silly youtube videos about cats. 

I notice the spring in my step and the hairbrush in my hand as I wiggle to 80’s dance music. 

Play is back.

This morning I woke from the most amazing dream. It was full of PLAY. Art school classes, amusement parks found in the middle of the woods, classic night at the drive in with everyone dressed to the hilt drinking cheap champagne and kids working the concession stand. 

I felt so so good.

I often hear that life should be lived by following your joy; that you can trust those things that light you up inside. 

When I’m in a stressed or somber mood it’s hard to remember exactly what those things are. 

I think that’s why I feel so incredibly grateful for the dream last night. 

It reminded me of who I am and what I love. 

It reminded me that I DO know how to play… That I have passion and zest!!! 

It reminded me of what I need to follow.

It’s pretty simple really….

My joy comes from connection with other souls, flaming my curious nature by learning creative ways to express myself, finding lost treasures and adrenaline pumping adventures. 

The icing on the top is celebrating it all with the people I love. 

Hell Yes!

Chaos theory

The bouncing brigade of notes plays into my dream

Ugh

It’s time to get up

But I am E X H A U S T E D

“Just ten more minutes”

And in those ten minutes new dreams flood in

That’s when I know I’ve gone too far... When I dream in my daydreams

The choices of what to do line up in my mind..

1 - be honest with yourself and speak what you feel. Get really really real. This is  immediately followed by a barrage of self-deprecating statements.. “it’s your own damn fault you feel like this..” “if you’d done what you were supposed to do back in 1998 you wouldn’t be in this situation”, etc.. )

2 – try to accept the annoying things in life and force a grateful attitude. Forcing gratitude never works for me. Just makes me feel even worse.

3 – get your ass out of bed and in the shower and do what you have to do. Push away the feelings, ignore the thoughts, your body, all of the warning signs, blame it on the hormones. Let the anxiety slowly burn into a fury of snarky statements. Lash out at anyone who dares say hello (or God forbid offers a kind word). Push everyone away. Everyone! Including yourself.

4 – spend time with the observer – self gaze in the mirror and simply watch all the mania happening inside. This brings peace as long as I’m doing it, but goes away when I’m back in the real world again.

5 – show some compassion – do some loving self talk “you won’t always feel like this” “you’re going through a lot of change right now, it’s going to feel uncomfortable” “go easy on you, it’s ok”

6 – research – read posts about BURNOUT from my go-to self help gurus. Find some solutions. Take some deep breaths and realize this isn’t the end of the world.

When the big emotions show up FEAR takes over. Through lots of work and research over the years I understand now what happens. When stress builds to a certain level the ingrained fight or flight hormones kick in and my brain goes into survival mode. I stop thinking clearly and lose hope. In essence I panic and feel like panic is the only state that has ever existed in my life.

There is a middle ground and I’m finding it. Slowly, surely, one baby step at a time I’m finding it.

This is what I know to be true and how I’m digging myself out of this round of panic.

Softening – I am moving slower, taking breaks to think slower, write slower, walk slower and breathe. I don’t have to escape everything to find some ease. 5 minutes of deep breathing can do wonders to soften the feelings.

Letting go – I am letting go of control, one clenched finger at a time. It is impossible to control everything and the energy that goes into my anxious ways is the majority of the reason why I feel so exhausted. I am searching for a balance here. I know in my heart of hearts that I enjoy order and organization. I simply feel chaotic when in a chaotic space. But there are times when chaos is the norm. Hello moving!! If I am kind with myself I can learn to embrace all of the clutter around me without freaking out. But I am not wrong for desiring order in my daily life.

Owning it – I do need to own my place in the chaos and confusion and exhaustion I feel. Blaming others, God, life will only perpetuate the pattern in my life. I am the one who chose to make incredible life changing decisions in a VERY short amount of time. I brought on the chaos and the time crunches that I am living in right now. In the future I will plan more space into these big changes. Downtime has to be part of the plan as well because our bodies and minds are not meant to work 16 hour days for weeks at a time. Sure some can do so and handle it, but not me. And I create the life I live, so going forward, I will do my best to plan things in a way that I can achieve them. No more setting myself up for failure.

Ask/Tell – Ask for help and Speak what needs to be spoken. Joining two families together is going to take work. We can do so as a team. This will require asking (not demanding) help and speaking up when I feel genuinely hurt or upset about something. This is HARD stuff here. It’s so tricky finding that balance between speaking truth and blaming. But I will find it in time.

Accolades – I am patting myself on the back for doing my best so far. If there is one thing I know about myself it’s that I’m courageous. Even when I’m running, I’m doing it bravely. It’s such a strange mix sometimes. I may feel overwhelmed, exhausted and in over my head today, but at least I’m taking the time to do something about it in a healthy way.

Removing a layer of fear – I am noticing that I often exacerbate a difficult emotion day by adding a layer of fear (I’m always going to feel like this. I’m so fucked up, etc) on top of the already hard emotions. Meditation is helping a lot with this practice. If I sit and watch the emotions like passing cars on a highway, that top layer goes away, along with the shame.

Gratitude – when I take the time to do the above, the gratitude finds its way to me naturally. It doesn’t feel forced at all. I am grateful for the friends and family that have checked in to make sure I’m still breathing. I’m thankful for the random strangers that smile at me when I’m grimacing on the elevator. I am thankful for the childlike spirit of joy and fun that is so alive in our new home right now. A new family is being born before my eyes, even in the midst of a tornado of stuff that has yet to find it’s new resting place. I am grateful for my partner and love that stays on my left and asks what he can do to help. I see his hard work, his courage, his determination to create a beautiful life with me and he loves me so fiercely even when I forget to love myself. It gives me strength when I forget my own. 

Really?

Forgive, today, your shortened temper, your discontent, the shaky ends of your patience. Dismiss the invectives you rake against your too-thin skin. Ignore the plummet of your faith, the rise of your anxiety, the see-saw of your goodwill. Discharge the sergeant of your guilt, the devil of your disappointment. Raze the monument of lists you failed to complete and the award for kindness you wrested from your own hands. Allow, for once, a recess from harmony, a caesura from grace. Go missing from your own party, and walk lone circles in the forest long after the light fades west. There are days   when the best you can do is show up in absentia, when ghosts are your allies, when you tuck into the bed of your own disappearance, knowing you are still safe.  Maya Stein

Today is a “Really?” day

It has been on the tip of my tongue from the start

Hearing the familiar crunchy spatter on the sky light in the bathroom

Yep – the awaited storm came – freezing drizzle, bitter winds, no school

But wait

Really?

School’s in??

Yep

Let go of the expected, accept it, get your butt in the shower and do your thing

It’s hard enough to find my gratitude for myself but talking two VERY annoyed boys into it is an act of futility

I hear them out

Tell them I understand

“But sometimes you just gotta do the thing, no matter if it makes no sense at all”

I hear my words (preach it mama) but do I really believe them?

I notice Hayden is sick (again)

Ugh

Really? Why can’t we keep this kid healthy?

It seems he is on Allegra or Zyrtec or Claritin year round.

The words “allergies come from a toxic environment” ring around in my head.

Old PTI words that I know to be true

What can I do? How can I be better to give these kids the life they deserve?

Sigh

Deep breaths on a very slow drive through town

I find my way into the office

Snapping pics of the snow, anything to bring my heart a little joy on this cold cold morning

Body tired and sore from the previous days workout

Skin dry and sensitive

Heart – I don’t know – it feels soft but simultaneously hard as a rock

I don’t want to be seen today – physically or emotionally

I just want to sleep – for weeks it seems

I ponder the days of old when women hibernated during their cycle

Sounds like a good idea – for EVERYONE

But that is not the way of things anymore

Instead I am surrounded by annoying requests, annoying people, annoying everything

I know it’s me. Annoying seems to be the filter I have created on this snowy day.

I preach my familiar words to myself

“Accept what you cannot change. Be grateful, It could always be worse, find the joy in the day, play, create the life you want instead of bemoaning the one you have.”

But I’m so DAMN tired – physically, emotionally, and spiritually

Some days I just don’t have the fight in me

I think about those things you hear on the news… 

about how happiness is 50% circumstance and 50%choice

I think it’s not an even mix every day. 

Some days it definitely feels more like 90% 

circumstance and 10% choice.

But I always always always ALWAYS always have a choice

DAMN it!

It’s so much easier to quit

To run

To stick with the grumble

To hide

5 insanely deep breaths

I close my eyes

I feel the still place

Truth flows

“YOU are not your feelings”

“YOU are at peace”

“YOU are love”

“YOU are courageous”

“YOU are amazing”

“Let the thoughts, the feelings, the rough heart, the sore body, the sensitive skin, let it roll by, it will pass”

Five more insanely deep breaths

I can do this

I can choose to see the light in me even on my hard and grumbly days

I can choose to see the gifts and be grateful even if I don’t feel the normal overflowing joy that comes from taking note of the good stuff. Even if all I feel is ugly and hard, I can choose. It will just make the easy days even brighter.

I see the gift of my children - even when they are grumbly and sick

I see the gift of my job - even when my boss is hung up on rules that drive me crazy

I see the gift of my guy - his calm spirit and encouraging words

I see the gift of the snow - it's beautiful as I stare out my office window

I see the gift of my sore body - proof of hard work and dedication

I see the gift of my delicate heart - compassion for others when they struggle

I see the gift of my emotions - reminders to step back into the still quiet place inside and out of my ego

I see the gift of life - { choice is { grace } is choice }

Ch ch ch changes

So, my head and heart are FULL with everything that’s happening in my world right now. It’s all SO GOOD. Here’s what’s up.

Learning: I stepped back into the PTI world last weekend. It was interesting being in a new to me role. Being the trigger vs. being the triggered. But then again it’s all the same thing and a giant cycle.

I choose to do my healing work at PTI because I see the immense benefit in the group setting. The clearing process is amazing and so beneficial. It provides an opportunity to do what we can’t do in our real lives….. to say “you pissed me off when you did X” and to get clear about our own role in that situation. It keeps hurt from being dusted under the rug and allows everyone to grow. I received a clearing with a new friend and I am so thankful she was honest about her feelings. The reason… “because she’s happy. It’s hard to be sad and upset around someone that is happy. And she played therapist instead of friend. I get the feeling she thinks she’s further along than me or better than me.”

I listened as she spoke about the feelings this brought up for her. And when asked outright if I felt that way, I had to answer honestly that yes I did have that shadow of superiority.

In that moment I realized that the superior (ego) shadow separates me from the connection I long for.

I want to love with grace each soul wherever they find themselves in the journey.

I want to find a balance between offering loving support and rescuing (aka playing the judge)

If I see a soul stuck on the path in the same way that I was stuck on the path several years ago, my knee jerk reaction is to offer advice. To say I’ve been there and show them the way.

But unless I am asked for that advice, I will show up with love instead.

It was also interesting being the vocal one in the group. When it came time to do our “work” and release the pent up feelings/words/physical frustrations I often found myself as the lone voice in doing so. It took me years to find my voice and anger that so desperately needed to be released in a healthy way. And I remember very well being terrified when I heard the people around me doing so. It often sent me into a fetal position wanting to run away from life FOREVER. But this time I heard the whimpers next to me as I screamed what needed to be screamed. It was difficult at times to stay present in my own journey and let go of fear about how it was affecting others. It was a gift to hear feedback later that my words were helpful to the people around me.

I am proud of myself for making the sacrifice to continue this journey…. To continue to grow and love myself.  Each time I learn something new that I can carry for the rest of my days.

Taking Care of Myself : the past few days I have been experiencing a lack of energy that is new to me. My lunchtime workouts have become a chore that I am pushing through. I wake exhausted after 8 hours of sleep and find myself drifting off during movies (that I really enjoy) or at stop lights. I have also gained a little weight even though my diet hasn’t changed much. I’m not sure what’s happening. But I’m listening deeply to my body. Choosing healthy whole foods, savoring meals so as not to eat beyond full and moving my body by following my heart. When I feel that drill sergeant yelling out orders to keep going Damn it. I tell him to back off, put up my step and walk into yoga class instead. My body desires movement, but sometimes that movement needs to be slow and kind.

Saying:  Hell YES comes to mind!! A few weeks ago my guy asked me to join him in the FOR REAL journey of life. I am awe struck by the grace and love we have found in our relationship. We pondered stealing away and saying our vows without telling a soul. But instead we have decided to make our commitment public so as to honor the feelings of our children and closest friends. We are planning to wed in the Red Rock Canyon near Las Vegas in April. We are writing our own vows and choosing to follow a journey that is unique to us. I am awed and honored to commit to this journey with Che. As difficult as our time apart was, it allowed us each to grow in ways that bring us closer now. It is amazing what can happen when two people choose to show up fully as themselves and trust in love and grace. We are not perfect by any means, but I believe we have what it takes to live a joyful and connected life together.

Moving:  The other huge change happening right now is in my residence. I found a house that I absolutely love in Sapulpa. It is built on a hillside with a backyard deck view of trees that makes me feel like I’m sitting in a cabin in Colorado. On the flip side, it is close to grocery stores and restaurants and similar in distance to the boys schools as my rental home now. The closing process is going smoothly and it looks like I’ll be moving the first weekend of March! The house is big enough that Che and his two younger boys will be able to join us as well. We have shared the news with all of the kids and everyone is excited about the shift happening in our lives. Two families becoming one. This is huge and it is awesome. I am so looking forward to cooking for a large family! We have a lot to figure out and transition will be the name of the game for months I am sure as we learn to all live together. But I am trusting and envisioning a peaceful home full of laughter, fun and love.

Watching: My favorite movie of late is the Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Che and I saw it the first week we were back together. I was curled up (almost in his lap) the entire time and we kept looking at each other with giant smiles and “yes, that!!” looks. We laughed and of course, I cried. I am so inspired with stories of the human spirit choosing to open up and take risks. Hearts that choose adventure are awesome! I took the boys last weekend and we all enjoyed it. So thankful to be able to share an uplifting story with them. At home we have been watching Dr. Who episodes while we eat dinner. Hayden usually wanders off after we are done eating, but Roland and I almost always end up curled up under a blanket together entrenched in more episodes. I love these moments with him. He will be 12 soon and I am so so grateful that we have a relationship that still feels so close. I also love that we share a geeky sci-fi fascination.

Reading:  I am enjoying two books right now. Wild by Cheryl Strayed and A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks. Wild is about a woman who hikes the pacific crest trail alone on a mission to find herself. It sparks my inner gypsy and is just a great story about accepting yourself and finding your passion through following your heart. The Gay Hendricks book is a way to follow my word(s) of the year in bite size chunks. I love this statement for day one:

This year I commit to living consciously, and I commit to having fun as I do. I commit to expanding my consciousness and my capacity for fun every minute of this year.

It reminds me to never forget fun. In coming up with my words for the year I felt this pull to hold true to the growth I found last year. But as I wrote out that post, I remember feeling a bit forced or pushed as I did so. The words above are a good reminder to not just stay true to my commitments but to do so with joy and from love (not from fear of falling backwards)

Setting Goals: One of the big things for me right now is in creating the life I want to live. Yes I am grateful for all of the gifts in my life. I do however desire to find a more heart-centered working life. I have felt this way for years. I have an incredible job that provides well for me and the boys. But it is not my passion. I am choosing to seek out options and experiment with some side projects this year to get a better feel for what my heart-centered work might look like. I definitely felt a nudge during the Flora painting class to teach these concepts using my unique voice and perception. And even more, I feel a calling to do so with children. In the next couple of weeks I will be doing a little experiment with a dear friend and her daughter. We are going to paint and do a few letting go processes to work on perfectionism and allowing play into the creative process. I am scared to be honest. It is definitely an edge for me to take this on. But it’s also a baby step and the only pressure is self-induced. I will not run from this one. No matter the outcome I will learn and that’s always a good thing.

This is going to be a great year. I feel it. I know it.

So much love to whoever reads this long ramble today. I feel better getting it all out.