Big Strong Girl

Today I am:

Letting go of black and white thinking

Choosing not to panic and instead just sit with the current of emotions tiding through my spirit

Resting in the hope that I am exactly where I am supposed to be (even if it doesn't feel like it)

Focusing on gratitude for the gifts in my life

And listening to music that soothes me.. This song always does the trick.

Big Strong Girl by Deb Talon

It's not now or never.

It's not black, and it's not white.

Anything worth anything takes more than a few days

and a long, long night.

Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.

You can't do it all alone, and if you could would you really want to?

Even though you're a big strong girl

come on, come on, lay it down.

The best made plans are your open hands.

Rest your head.

You've got two pillows to choose from in a queen-sized bed.

Hold out for the moon

but don't expect connection any time soon.

Feel the light caress your fingertips.

You have just begun, the word has only left your lips.

Maybe in time, you will find

your arms are wrapped around the sun

you're wrapped around the sun.

Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.

You can't do it all alone, and if you could would you really want to?

Even though you're a big strong girl

come on, come on, lay it down.

The best made plans are your open hands.

Owning It

A good friend pointed out that I am very guilty of spewing disparaging comments about myself. She's right. I think it's my way of being humble. But the truth is it limits my potential. I can be humble and still own that I have unlimited potential to do great things in this world. Lesson learned..

Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Letting Go

Letting go…So much harder than it sounds.

First a vision of a God on a throne, next a marriage.

Crumbling identity

Lost, alone on the edge of the abyss

And then what is this?

A tiny seed of self is found at the bottom of her soul.

Time and tending and the seed begins to grow, braver, stronger and stunningly beautiful.

But as she grows she pulls the weeds of her past up with her.

Taller and taller they choke the light she needs.

Pruning is necessary but scary business.

It means being seen, really seen, for who she really is.

Is it ok to be me, the girl on fire in so many ways?

I can’t let them see the roller coaster of feelings I ride daily.

Will they still like me if they see my bruised stem and broken leaves?

No I must hide behind this brush of hate, distrust and ambivalence.

What harm will it cause anyway?

A little more light winds its way in, pushing through the past, causing poppy to extend her reach a little further to the heavens.

A deep breath… a wider view.

Yes this is what she wants, freedom.

True freedom, room to spread her leaves and shine into the darkness.

Her leaves unfurl releasing the overgrowth surrounding her and she knows she has found her way.

She can see more thorns and sticky vines above and around her but the light is brighter than before.

She can do this with it’s help.

Day by day she let’s go of the obstacle before her and as she does a garden of flowers and trees becomes visible.

She sees that some of them are still hiding behind their own living barriers.

Poppy arches toward the sun and bows her blooming head just in time to lightly kiss the bloom next to her.

I love you she says with her eyes and sends a beam of hope to the root of her new found neighbor.

A wink and a nod and she returns home to tend her own soil.

Yes this is why she is here, to spread the light and hope that we can all let go. With enough love and courage we can enjoy the freedom of being seen together.

A conversation with Little Poppy

Poppy: I feel alone. I'm afraid he doesn't love me anymore. I know it’s silly. Nothing happened but I’m just scared and lonely.

Strong One: Oh sweet girl… he loves you more than you can possibly know.

But I love you even more and I have a secret for you...

We can’t change or control how much anyone loves us or how they treat us. What matters is that I’m here for you anytime you need me. I love you to the moon and back. I know you.. all of you and I think you’re amazing. You are strong and courageous, beautiful, funny and crazy smart. You love animals and drawing pictures in the dirt with a stick. You love to paint and sing and move to beautiful music. I know all your secrets that you are scared to tell anyone. I love your tangled red hair and dirty cheeks and sweaty little hands and feet. You don’t have to hide anything from me because I love it all and I will never hurt you or leave you.

Poppy: But it’s not the same… I want him to love me.

Strong One: I know baby girl… you have a big hole in your heart from the first man you ever loved. You loved him with everything you had and when he left it broke your little heart into a million pieces. You decided that there must be something wrong with you. But what you don’t understand little one is that he had to leave. He had to go find himself. It wasn’t about you. He never stopped loving you. You are his baby girl and always will be. You are so special and you are a bright light in this dark world. You love with everything you have and give like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t let other people’s behavior mean anything about who you are. Go on and love love love.  So pick up your chin and smile. Go out in the sun and let your beautiful red hair shimmer and shine. Twirl… spin your skirt.. dance… jump.. climb rocks… swim.. move with the wind and let your light shine. You are a special gift to this world. 

Come close and let me whisper something in your ear. I have a secret mission for you? Are you ready?

Poppy shakes her head yes, curls up in my lap and looks at me with wonder in her eyes..

Strong One: Here it is… go out and show everyone you can that they have that same light burning bright in their hearts too. Everyone gets sad and scared when bad things happen. You’re not the only one. And some people get so scared they give up and choose to live in the dark. But when you smile and look them in the eyes and shoot that laser beam of love into their hearts, a magical thing happens. Hope shows up and sparks their light too.

Poppy: Ok....   But what if he leaves? I have this terrible feeling that everyone is going to leave me. That something is wrong with me.

Strong One: There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfectly human and worthy of all kinds of love. But you must let go. Let go of tomorrow. Because nothing is forever. Things change and it's ok. You will always have what you need. If you spend all of your time worrying about him leaving, you are missing out on him while he's here. Let go and love. Trust that you will be ok. Let you light shine and soak in the light of those around you. Listen to their words, feel their embrace and let it fill your heart with even more love. Life is a big circle of giving and receiving. If you cling too tightly it breaks that perfect system and doesn't give anyone the space they need to be able to love. So let go of the fear of tomorrow and hold on to the hope of love. You have seen it at work and know how powerful it is. It changes everything. So let go, it's ok. I'm letting go too.

It's time to Return

Well it's been quite some time since I shared my inner workings in this very public space. But I felt a nudge to do so the other day and here I am.

My last post here was the tipping point.. it was the moment that changed everything for me and sent me on a new path. I decided to stop living my life for the benefit of those around me. Until then my motivation in life had been to "be a good wife and mother". But when I found that little poppy seed in my heart, I took hold of her and have tried with all my might to not let her go. I still struggle, she still struggles, but together we've grown so much in this past year. We have blossomed and let go of so many past paradigms and fears. Physically I have lost about 65 pounds but emotionally I feel like I have lost so much more. 

My main driving force in life is still my amazing boys. They keep me grounded and focused and steady on the path before me. I never knew I could love someone so deeply until the nurse laid my sweet Roland on my chest for the first time. And when Hayden was on the way I wondered if it would be possible to love him as much. But the moment I stared into his baby blues my heart busted open and grew to accommodate. Justin and I were never meant to be but I am thankful for what we shared because we created two amazing boys with unlimited potential to do awesome things in this world. The divorce was both easy at times and excruciatingly painful at times. I learned so many lessons deep in my core through it all and hopefully I will somehow be able to share them when the time feels right. I know the divorce was and still is hardest on the boys. Justin and I have both moved on. He is engaged and I am deeply in love with a man who has shown me grace and love that I never knew existed. But the boys struggle. For them we had a storybook kind of life and they are still mourning the loss of it. They will get through it and I pray for the strength to show them the love and affection (and discipline) they need every day. I am also beyond grateful that they have a dad that loves them just as much as I do and is willing to do the same for them.

Having Hope in the Midst of Despair

I read once on Jen Lemen's blog that trying to blog while you're going through a major transition is like reading your diary in the middle of the grocery store. I definitely feel like that these days. But I also know that some of you are still out there reading and I want to share what I can.  While this upheaval in my life is excruciatingly painful I am learning so much about myself that I have hope I will some day appreciate the fire I am walking through right now. 

So here are the highlights of my personal epiphanies...

• Everything had to be taken away to find myself.
• When I felt knocked down to my foundation, I had to choose to trust in Love.
• There is an infinite supply of love out in the universe just waiting to be tapped into.
• Blaming will get me nowhere but bitterness and shame, because the finger can point both ways.
• I have to let myself feel what I feel and release it all to the best of my ability.
• Sometimes I just need a break and a laugh.
• It's possible to be addicted to shame.
• It's also possible to be addicted to a person.
• There are gifts in every situation if I look for them.
• I can choose to find things to celebrate.
• I am surrounded by a support system I had no idea existed.
• Change brings out the best and worst in people.
• Sometimes I just have to let people have their experience, no matter how much it hurts.
• Making decisions out of guilt feels like the nice thing to do but it is really really damaging for everyone.
• I can only handle so much before I truly have to lean on someone.
• We are not meant to walk through sorrow alone.
• I can't judge what someone's soul tells them.
• I always always have a choice to do the right thing.
• I'm also human and will not choose to do the right thing all the time. That doesn't make me a horrible person, just human like everyone else.
• I cannot judge the existence of infinite unconditional love by the actions of people. 
• We will all let each other down at some point, but that's no reason to give up on relationships.
• Some things just aren't meant to work, but that doesn't mean the world is hopeless or that I am hopeless.
• It's never healthy to put all my eggs in one basket.
• Children are the joy of life.
• I can CHOOSE hope.
• Choosing hope means looking for the gifts and choosing to focus on the gifts and not the hurt.
• I can manifest my future and it WILL BE AWESOME!
• I have to let go of black/white thinking. 
• I have to let go of my past dreams to make room for new ones.
• It's okay to call and text everyone I know for help.
• It is amazingly helpful to have friends with completely different perspectives.
• When I feel like I just got hit by a MACK truck, I need to give myself some grace. I don't have to make any big decisions right now. I can be the woman in the ambulance and just get through it. There will be time later to figure everything out.

and the most important thing I have found in the last few weeks

sounds cheesy but it is the most profound for me...

In a moment of complete despair when I felt like I had nothing left in me, I asked God to show me love and took several deep breaths. God gave me a vision of a tiny poppy seed in my heart. It is the core of me, my strength, my courage, my love for others and most importantly the seed of love for my own soul. If I nourish and protect that little poppy seed, she is going to grow into a beautiful strong and brilliant flower. I can't wait to see it grow.

Hope

So I have obviously let go of my blog these past few months. I am undergoing some major shifts in my life and I needed some time and room to just let things be for awhile. But alas, here I am reaching out to whoever wants to listen and respond.

At the top of year I decided to focus on a word for 2011.

That word is HOPE.

Now why is it that when we choose to focus on something really good, it seems like every force around us tries to step in and test that we are really willing to do what it takes to embrace that goodness?

I am struggling with this word/idea right now and could use some honest feedback and encouragement. So if you have any wise words or loving thoughts, I'm all ears....