It's time to Return

Well it's been quite some time since I shared my inner workings in this very public space. But I felt a nudge to do so the other day and here I am.

My last post here was the tipping point.. it was the moment that changed everything for me and sent me on a new path. I decided to stop living my life for the benefit of those around me. Until then my motivation in life had been to "be a good wife and mother". But when I found that little poppy seed in my heart, I took hold of her and have tried with all my might to not let her go. I still struggle, she still struggles, but together we've grown so much in this past year. We have blossomed and let go of so many past paradigms and fears. Physically I have lost about 65 pounds but emotionally I feel like I have lost so much more. 

My main driving force in life is still my amazing boys. They keep me grounded and focused and steady on the path before me. I never knew I could love someone so deeply until the nurse laid my sweet Roland on my chest for the first time. And when Hayden was on the way I wondered if it would be possible to love him as much. But the moment I stared into his baby blues my heart busted open and grew to accommodate. Justin and I were never meant to be but I am thankful for what we shared because we created two amazing boys with unlimited potential to do awesome things in this world. The divorce was both easy at times and excruciatingly painful at times. I learned so many lessons deep in my core through it all and hopefully I will somehow be able to share them when the time feels right. I know the divorce was and still is hardest on the boys. Justin and I have both moved on. He is engaged and I am deeply in love with a man who has shown me grace and love that I never knew existed. But the boys struggle. For them we had a storybook kind of life and they are still mourning the loss of it. They will get through it and I pray for the strength to show them the love and affection (and discipline) they need every day. I am also beyond grateful that they have a dad that loves them just as much as I do and is willing to do the same for them.