Having Hope in the Midst of Despair

I read once on Jen Lemen's blog that trying to blog while you're going through a major transition is like reading your diary in the middle of the grocery store. I definitely feel like that these days. But I also know that some of you are still out there reading and I want to share what I can.  While this upheaval in my life is excruciatingly painful I am learning so much about myself that I have hope I will some day appreciate the fire I am walking through right now. 

So here are the highlights of my personal epiphanies...

• Everything had to be taken away to find myself.
• When I felt knocked down to my foundation, I had to choose to trust in Love.
• There is an infinite supply of love out in the universe just waiting to be tapped into.
• Blaming will get me nowhere but bitterness and shame, because the finger can point both ways.
• I have to let myself feel what I feel and release it all to the best of my ability.
• Sometimes I just need a break and a laugh.
• It's possible to be addicted to shame.
• It's also possible to be addicted to a person.
• There are gifts in every situation if I look for them.
• I can choose to find things to celebrate.
• I am surrounded by a support system I had no idea existed.
• Change brings out the best and worst in people.
• Sometimes I just have to let people have their experience, no matter how much it hurts.
• Making decisions out of guilt feels like the nice thing to do but it is really really damaging for everyone.
• I can only handle so much before I truly have to lean on someone.
• We are not meant to walk through sorrow alone.
• I can't judge what someone's soul tells them.
• I always always have a choice to do the right thing.
• I'm also human and will not choose to do the right thing all the time. That doesn't make me a horrible person, just human like everyone else.
• I cannot judge the existence of infinite unconditional love by the actions of people. 
• We will all let each other down at some point, but that's no reason to give up on relationships.
• Some things just aren't meant to work, but that doesn't mean the world is hopeless or that I am hopeless.
• It's never healthy to put all my eggs in one basket.
• Children are the joy of life.
• I can CHOOSE hope.
• Choosing hope means looking for the gifts and choosing to focus on the gifts and not the hurt.
• I can manifest my future and it WILL BE AWESOME!
• I have to let go of black/white thinking. 
• I have to let go of my past dreams to make room for new ones.
• It's okay to call and text everyone I know for help.
• It is amazingly helpful to have friends with completely different perspectives.
• When I feel like I just got hit by a MACK truck, I need to give myself some grace. I don't have to make any big decisions right now. I can be the woman in the ambulance and just get through it. There will be time later to figure everything out.

and the most important thing I have found in the last few weeks

sounds cheesy but it is the most profound for me...

In a moment of complete despair when I felt like I had nothing left in me, I asked God to show me love and took several deep breaths. God gave me a vision of a tiny poppy seed in my heart. It is the core of me, my strength, my courage, my love for others and most importantly the seed of love for my own soul. If I nourish and protect that little poppy seed, she is going to grow into a beautiful strong and brilliant flower. I can't wait to see it grow.