Saying Yes

This week has been filled with a new challenge for my oldest son. He is
struggling with school for the first time in his life. I guess this is common in 6th grade!

We have spent every evening combing through old and new assignments,
dividing, multiplying, practicing Chinese and learning how to plot latitude
and longitude locations on a globe. Good fun stuff to learn, but not so easy when you are anxious, rushed and feeling like your whole world is collapsing.

I could see the shame in my sons' eyes each night as we struggled through
the pile of work he has allowed to build up around him over the past few weeks.

I noticed myself saying things like....

"you're going to have to start paying more attention"
"why didn't you ask for help?"
"What did the teacher say about this? and when there was just a look of
horror in return... "oh son" with a deep sigh

I caught myself saying internally

"no, no, no, this isn't happening. How did my straight A student suddenly start failing all of his classes?"

I don't think it is a coincidence that this is happening right in the middle of my process to let go of a two year relationship and rebuild my connection to my own love.

In that rebuilding I am finding that the secret tool seems to be ALLOWING
WHAT IS HAPPENING and LOVING MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT I"M EXPERIENCING

and from that place of love, the shifting happens naturally.

It's when I try to FORCE myself to change that things fall apart.

The words ENOUGH and EMBRACE hold my left and right hands.

I am* enough*. My life has *enough*. and if I *embrace* every part of myself and my circumstances, I feel at peace.

Yesterday afternoon as I walked to the courthouse to pay a speeding ticket,
I noticed a similarity between my son and I.

I felt little knots building in my stomach as I walked through the x-ray scanner at the police department.

My hands trembled as I lifted my wallet and insurance verification out of my purse.

"Oh Angie. You know better than to speed through a construction zone. What
is WRONG with you? You can't afford this ticket. Why or why did you not pay
better attention that day?

The thoughts continued as I walked back to my car and then I had another thought.

What if I could find a way to be grateful for this experience?... right now!

If I really believed everything I've been practicing, then damn it, there had to be a way to be thankful in this moment.

How could I say YES to THIS?

And then I saw it. Clear as day. The parallel. My own inner critic bashing
me for a simple mistake that 99% of us all make at some point in our lives.
And if I continued to bash myself it could ironically lead to making the very same mistake. If I filled my mind with negative self talk on the drive home, I would be distracted again and might just find myself speeding along and pulling over for yet another ticket.

I also considered the idea that the money I just paid, was going to be used for the police department which protects me and my family. Yes it hurt to pay it. But the realization that the sacrifice of forking over money would be a constant and strong reminder to not make the same mistake going forward. Like a finger in the fire, consequences can be helpful.

And most importantly I gave myself some grace. I put the ball bat away and lovingly told myself "you are enough. You made a mistake. Learn from it and move forward. Let it go and do better next time"

As I picked up the boys that night, I told them we were going to have a celebration.

My son looked at me with a puzzled expression, expecting it to be another
night of hashing out homework at the kitchen table instead.

I told them we were going to celebrate ENOUGH. That we were going to say
"Yes" to being imperfect and messing up and learning lessons.

We enjoyed a dinner on the patio of a local restaurant and watched the birds fly in formation into the setting sun. I told them the story of my speeding ticket and the truth I had seen. I apologized for being critical.

We talked about doing better.. but out of love and not forced will. I told them I believed in them. That I would always have their back and provide the consequences they needed to keep learning lessons in life. The consequences aren't going anywhere, but my critical voice and attitude is
going in the dumpster.

We went home to finish our celebration.

I wanted to have cake with candles, but knew time was limited. So instead I
spelled out the word Yes with some old birthday candles in the half eaten
loaf of banana bread. It wasn't perfect. But it was enough. We all blew out
the candles together and I smiled deeply with my whole body. These kids
knew their mom had their back in that moment and I knew I had my own back
too. I felt a little hug from the universe.

I think the world is full of messages of "you'll never be good enough" and
God knows they get reinforced at school and work. I believe we all need a place and people in our lives that we know without a doubt love us no matter what we do.

I really hope my kids feel that place is at home and that they can learn to give that gift to themselves as well.