Break on through to the other side

Last night I had a breakthrough.

 

For months I have been aware of what I refer to as a black hole of need inside of myself.

 

It feels lonely, empty and deep.

 

Throughout my life I have either tried to fill this hole with people, food, sex, alcohol, ____, work, etc. or distract myself from believing it exists.

 

The hole screams out to me when I am physically alone…when I walk in the door to my home and there is no sound but my own breath.

 

Last night as I prepared for bed, the same eerie silence filled my room.

 

Instead of hiding from the aching feeling, I lit a candle, burned some incense and took a seat on my yoga mat.

 

I sat with the feeling and allowed them to come up fully

 

Tears and a deep feeling of shame arose.

 

 

I watched the thoughts as they came and went and my body grew heavier and heavier as time passed.

 

And then a voice came that I know well…. That healthy and wisest part of me.

 

She said “what do you long for right now? In this very moment what do you long for?”

 

My initial reaction and thought was “connection”

 

And then!

 

“Wait no, in this very moment, right now, I don’t long for anything. I am calm and peaceful and full of energy. I can feel my connection to the earth beneath me and the connection to the air in the breath that fills and leaves me. I am in constant change and connection, like the clouds in the sky and I am at peace. I long for nothing”

 

And then I cried with Joy!

 

It felt like crossing the finish line of a healing marathon.

 

In my mind, I have known this place of peace exists and I have hedged all of my bets on it. But last night I finally experienced it on a FEELING level in every cell of my body.

 

The moment has passed and of course I have not been able to completely hold onto that same peace in every moment since then. I don’t think that’s how life works.

 

I think it is a practice to keep returning to that still place inside and trusting in it.

 

I think it takes action to find rest.

 

My heart does long for connection to other souls as well, but I know that first I must be filled with this connection to the divine.

 

I am thankful for a path to that connection.

 

I am thankful for an experience I can use to remind myself in moments of darkness.

 

I am thankful for this path I am walking right now.

 

As uncomfortable as it is to say no to the things that feel easier and immediately satisfying, this new path of true connection is wider and deeper than I ever imagined possible.