Symbiosis

Pushing boundaries is a good thing.

Today was one of those days where I flexed my courage muscles and stepped out of my comfort zone.

Me, the once staunch introvert gave a presentation at work in front of 35 people. And while I've done that before with confidence, today I had to wing it.

This is a new topic for me, unlike last time, so my nerves were especially on edge.

I practiced excellent self talk before and after. But the familiar heat and then gush of sweat on my hands and feet (and honestly my whole body) consumed me anyway.

I came back to my desk and tried to breathe. But I could feel it. That sickening slipping feeling in my shoes, arctic hands and dark rings on my shirt that have caused humiliation and shame since I was a small child. It just feels GROSS!

More breath, more loving self talk, but the anxiety remains.

I leave for the day, racing to go home, to shower this shame off my body. When I get a text from my guy, an unexpected invitation to dinner.

Deep breath

Of course I'll go.

But this ick, I have to get this ick off of me.

Dinner comes and goes. Casual conversation. But I am hiding. Pushing myself to be present as I catch a glimpse of my swollen feet in the store window.

"Ick"

My guy suggests shoe shopping across the street. We have a hiking trip coming soon and I need a pair.

But God. My feet. They are the last thing I want to think about or 'blah' LOOK AT right now.

I push myself. Window shop. And then decide its time to stop pushing. Time to nurture instead.

The drive home the conversation begins...

"Gross. God you're so gross." The mean 5th grade bully yells down to me.

"No. No you're not. You're beautiful. You will find a way through this sweating thing" the sweet mama in my heart whispers.

I believe her... The sweet mama

I really do.

I know that as soon as it doesn't bother me anymore it will probably go away.

But today, it bothers me A LOT.

It makes me feel different, ashamed but mostly disgustingly gross. Like last weeks trash in a dumpster.

The hot ginger infused bath runs as the ounce of dark chocolate melts on my tongue. I sink to my ears as the smell of Nag champa connects with those olfactory memories of peace and calm.

She is there.. Always there for me.. The ocean.. My mother.. My first comfort in this body.

She holds me. Envelops me. Perfect pressure but perfect space to move. To be free within comfort. That is why I love her so.

She is the only one that I have ever allowed to support my weight FULLY. A perfect symbiosis of being nurtured and self care. Deep breaths, muscle relaxed. I am held and I am holding myself.

It's beautiful.

Strong

Loving

And as I shared with my sweet friend Erin last night

In those moments I feel like "I kinda kick ass"

The symbiosis of body, spirit and soul is truly a miracle. When I take the time to experience them all together things shift.

Faith and Peace rise. Fear subsides and I know I'm going to be ok.

I feel a shift coming in my life. One less focused on security and more on presence and deep connection with other souls.

The past few months have been dark for me. But I know the light is there.. Everywhere. This dark exploration is just the path to more grace. It is preparation for the journey ahead.

As uncomfortable as it is, I know it is worth it. I can see the gifts that will provide the relief to make the journey bearable.

So so many gifts.

In essence it is all a gift. The struggles and the mercies.

I see that clearly now.