Shadow Dance

"Your shadow is not always dark... you just have to let her play too, let her out into the light so she can dance."

Leaning In

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Mumford and Sons

The words above have been singing in my mind lately.

When my relationship with Che ended I scoffed at those words.

“Oh yeah? That’s BS. I am dismayed, enslaved and betrayed and in no way do I feel free in this moment”

But slowly I began to see the truth

Relationship is not Love
Relationship is two souls doing their best to share love
But it is not love itself

Love can only be received from the divine and poured out when our cup overfills
The overflow is relationship
But Love is the unconditional infinite energy that surpasses all understanding

And the other thing I know now without a doubt

When we allow that love into our deepest darkest neediest angry dark places, everything changes

I see inside of me a precious infant girl

As I have talked about before, I have been working on loving her for a long time now

A great part of me felt she was a mistake and had no purpose being here 
(even though my logical mind disagreed)

But as I thought back to the moments that I held Roland and Hayden in my arms for the first time.

The memory of the sheer joy and love and responsibility at meeting these tiny souls overwhelmed me.

If I close my eyes and take a breath I can see my own infant self resting in my arms

That same joy and love and responsibility fills me

The loneliness and desperation from this shift in my life has allowed me to dig deep enough to find her

And by grace I have found a way to allow divine love in like I have never allowed it before.

Some days I succeed and others… well I’m human

I know through lots of experience now that I have to release all the stuff that blocks the love

Anger, resentment, jealousy, judgment those things are energy that get trapped in our bodies

But with work they can be released

The shift is not easy. It takes every ounce of bravery and courage that I have inside of me

It is so much easier to just be angry or hurt or full of shame

But I believe that infant girl deserves better than that.

She deserves to have someone fight for her and guide her along the path

She deserves to experience love and connection with both spirit and other souls

We are a work in progress, no doubt and will be till we take our last breath

We are full of paradox and hypocrisy. Love and Fear, Trust and Jealousy, Joy and Sadness

We all are

During a breakup it’s so much easier to get through, if you can just be angry and look at 
only the negatives of the person you are choosing to walk away from.

It is so easy to choose distraction and self pity.

The harder road is to see the person fully, the healthy and unhealthy, the quirks, the things that make your heart leap, the good times and the hard times and to stay with the ache of the loss.

I see it all. I am grateful for it all because everything led me right here to this moment.

I have made lists of everything our relationship allowed me to believe about myself and everything I allowed myself to experience because I was in it.

Those things don't disappear now that the relationship is changed. I will hold onto them with gratitude.

I know the heart ache was worth every moment of bliss and connection I felt leading up to it.

I remember moments of pure “cup overflowing” connection. Two souls locked together in a moment outside of time.

Looking back I want more of that connection. I crave it. My heart longs to see and be seen again. But then a new energy floods my body and I realize I am simply grateful I had that experience. If it comes again, awesome, if not I will continue to be grateful for it. It was enough.

I feel a strange mixture of relief and missing him. I feel like part of my heart is still with him and his gracious shadow follows me wherever I go.

The push and pull is tedious and intense. The only way I know through is to keep coming back to myself

To keep seeking connection with the love that surrounds me and fills me and ALLOW it in

I let go of hurry and distraction and rest in this moment.
This very moment with a lonely heart crying out in gratitude 

Everything is occurring in its perfect time.

I am learning about letting go of what’s real

Letting go of the imagined
Letting go of dreams held on pedestals
Letting go of wanting more
And allowing myself to notice what I already have.

Today I decided it's time to try out some new ways of doing things to see if they bring more peace through this transition.

I’ll give them a week and check in to see what is working and what can be left behind.

• Get up 15 minutes before I need to wake the boys to meditate, connect with the divine and be in silence.
• Keep my phone out of my hands when I’m in bed. No facebooking, instagramming, mindless games or internet surfing before I go to bed or when I first wake up. They lower my energy and take me away from myself.
• Cook and enjoy delicious meals. Savor each bite.
• Flow with the tide of emotions and allow them all. I have learned that if I take just a few minutes to find a quiet place and allow the intense ones to come up, they only last about 90 seconds. But if I hold them in they sit simmering all day or explode in BAD ways.
• List at least 3 things I’m grateful for in my Day One app. I have been doing this for a few months now and it is so so good.
• Write, Read and Listen to Audio Books – fill my mind with positive, encouraging and helpful ideas instead of allowing my monkey mind to go wild. But also take time each day to write out whatever needs to be said.
• Look for opportunities to give. Put flowers on a heartbroken girls door. Pay for the coffee of the person in line behind me. Send a care package to a dear friend who's life is also in deep transition, send a real hand-written letter to a friend, smile at my office mates, say thank you to the cleaning lady in the gym.. little things that make a big difference
• Reach out for connection - but in a healthy way. Similar to drinking alcohol. If  I "need it" then nope, take time to reconnect with myself first. But otherwise go out and connect!

I don't have my own words...

But these are where I'm at.. Right now in this moment.

Not super proud but cutting myself some slack. Taking time to nurture that little girl inside who is so so scared right now. 

We can do this sweet girl. I love you.

Tiny Wisdom: Be Good to Yourself

By Lori Deschene

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” -Lama Yeshe

All too often we’re unforgiving and cruel to ourselves in a way we’d never treat our friends.

We’d never look a friend in the eyes and tell her she’s not good enough. We’d never beat a friend up over one mistake he made years ago. We’d never expect a friend to move mountains when she’s exhausted and clearly needs a rest.

Why do we sometimes do these things to ourselves?

So often when we think about self-love, we think about the big picture—forgiving ourselves for past mistakes and accepting ourselves, imperfections and all.

But in much the same way we show love in relationships through tiny acts of appreciation and consideration, we can love ourselves through small, maybe even random acts of kindness.

For me, that means allowing myself to relax if I need to, even if I feel like I should be productive. It means treating myself to a nice lunch every now and then, even if I feel I should save money. It means responding to negative thoughts in my head with the same uplifting advice I’d give my sister.

Sometimes it also means seeing in the mirror that little girl who I used to be—the little girl who always did her best and wanted nothing to more than to have someone hug her and tell her it was good enough. It’s my job to do that now.

It’s all of our jobs.

Today, give yourself the consideration and kindness you’d extend to the people you love. If you’re dissatisfied with your progress, remind yourself of all you’ve accomplished. If you made a mistake, cut yourself from slack. If you’re tired, take it easy.

All the goodness you put out into the world starts with how you treat yourself.

Passing it Forward

Sometimes I am awe struck by the grace and love surrounding us all.

Even in the midst of grief and loss I am surrounded.

And even more amazing to me is that so much of the grace and love I am receiving is coming from the very person with the most reasons to hold it back from me.

Love can conquer all even in the midst of great pain. Courage and trust allows us to follow through on what we believe.

Thank you Che for your grace. For your acceptance, for your love.

I pass forward the love and light you have shown me in the hopes it can spread and touch even more people that need it.

Lighter Legs

This week has been interesting to say the least. It feels out of time and wobbly and like I’m doing my best to just put one foot in front of the other.

There is a trust and peace coming from finding little moments of joy. They are like the rocks I’m skipping to cross this rushing river bed. Sometimes I slip into the river and the current of grief pulls me under. But each time I stand back up and find another rock to stand on.

Last night I found a boulder. I tried a new yoga class with my incredible friend Erin. Two local musicians were playing live during the class. We started in child’s pose as Rachel sang her version of crazy.

That current pulled me under and I wept. My body pumped with grief but I kept moving. Through each song I pushed and pulled and felt the strength of my body to persevere. We danced and bounced and I felt things shifting inside of me. As we stretched our legs above our bodies with straps a new song started. 

Yellow

Oh that is my love song to Roland. I sang it over and over and over again to him as an infant. We would rock and swing in his room for hours. That memory filled me and I couldn’t resist singing along. Soon many of us yogi wanna be’s were singing and swaying our legs to the rhythm. Like lighters in a concert our feet swayed as a greeting to the singers in tribute. And then the biggest belly laugh took over my soul. I laughed from my head to my toes. And it was all so beautiful.

The unexpected makes us feel alive.

It is hard to hold on and trust sometimes but it’s worth it to feel that gush of  love coming from somewhere bigger than ourselves.

I ran into Rachel again later than night (because i kinda want to be the president of her fan club) This time at a favorite local bar. She is a beautiful soul and I saw a mirror in her to connect with the ironies of life. To let them form who you are, because the mixture of grief and joy is gorgeous.

There have been many other rays of light this week. Some I had to search out and some found me unexpectedly like the moment above. I am taking time each day to list at least three blessings in the day. I know I will look back some day and be thankful I did that. Because  as much as we ask for the blessings if we don’t open our eyes and our hearts to them, we will miss them when they come.

It’s little things like a new friend at work who gave me an unexpected hug in the bathroom right when I needed one.

A community of connections that are lifting my spirit… Old friends found again that have just the right words like “you are the artist of your soul. Your life is good and you are beautiful. Allow yourself to experience the abundance that is surrounding you”

Watching a lady bug hold on tight to my windshield wiper and laughing out loud to myself as I urge her to hold on.

Running and doing yoga to feel strong.  Remembering that I run for me alone… not to compete with anyone or shape my body. (Those are side benefits)  But I run because it makes ME happy.

Noticing how the phrase “Be still and know” is surrounding me and showing up in life in interesting ways.

Reflecting on those last moments I shared with Che. I am grateful for them as painful as they are. It could have ended with hard words and anger but it didn’t. It was calm and loving. I will always cherish those last moments.

Hearing from him and feeling the shift begin. The shift to the new us where we still have each other’s backs. It’s a gift we both want that.

Pausing as I write to close my eyes and listen to the breath inside of me.

I am here. I am alive. Peace and joy are gurgling along with grief and sadness. Life wouldn’t be life without all of them.

Thank you universe for guiding and loving us all through the journey.

Thank you for surrounding us always in love.

Thank you self for opening your eyes and heart and letting it in.

Join me in a memory?

Wanna go on a little adventure with me?

I want you to join me in a memory

It's been a long hard day and I'm pretty mad at myself

"Why can't I just be happy?" Has been playing on repeat and that sinking feeling is bouncing in the pit of my stomach once again.

The wind blows hard against my fingertips as we drive home. Hayden is quiet, peacefully watching the clouds shift as the sun begins to set in the west.

My eye catches the glow on his face. Magic hour they call it, but he is pure magic himself. That intense spirit caught in a 7 year old body. "How old is your soul little man?"

"Wanna go swing with me?" I ask 

A few butterflies twitch in my already anxious insides. What if he says no? What if he says yes? My little girl wants to go play. But unexpected pit stops don't often go over so well with the old soul sitting in the passenger seat. 

"I've gotten used to swinging, but I want to jump on the teeter totter"

"Sweet. Let's do it. We'll take turns"

As we pull into the park the fallen bodies of young and old trees bring tears to my eyes. Mother Nature's wrath claimed many friends last night. A silent prayer of thanksgiving for each sleeping beauty as we make our way to the swings.

The sickeningly sweet smell of rusty chain and wet sand transports me to happy childhood memories. 

The warm leather seat hugs my hips and holds me firm in its grip. 

Push..pull

Lean back hard... 

Lean forward softly

The wind picks up

Hair flying

And a grin I can't stop spreads across my face

This... This is freedom

This is childhood

This is fun!

Push..pull

Lean back hard... 

Lean forward softly

Higher and higher

Until that tingle starts 

At the bottom of your belly as gravity pulls you home

And your backside hops a little in the seat

Quick gasp of breath

Will I fall?

No no sweet girl. Just hold on tight and enjoy the ride. Feel the rush and the rise.

Stop Pushing..

Stop Pulling..

Lean back softly

Lift your feet and 

watch them top the trees

Let go and remember that this is what life's all about

Gravity does it's thing and brings you back to where you started. 

The old soul is watching and playing and singing with his own swing. And now it's his turn to play.

We race to the teeter totter for the coveted seat. He wins, of course. Energy and laughter fills our hearts. We bump and jiggle and wiggle and hop. Shaking ourselves into a frenzy. He is so free in this moment and so am I. 

We talk of eagles and elephants in the sky and inspect the insides of the newly fallen trees before making our way home to rest for the night. 

Hard times are a gift.

Children are a gift.

Courage and Perseverance are gifts. 

Thankful for it all.

Thank you for sharing that memory with me. It was one of my favorites. 

Shape Shifting

You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."  Tony Robbins

So much is happening over here! The past few weeks have brought lots of opportunities and challenges. It’s not that I’ve been working with an inordinate amount of “problems” or anything like that, but I have been taking on everything that comes my way with a sense of “what can I learn from this?”  All of these lessons have shaken me to my roots and it’s a really awesome thing.

I have also decided to jump back into the PTI world again at the graduate level. We held our first weekend gathering last weekend and man oh man did I learn and grow. Going back to that setting reminded me of how I felt returning the workforce after taking 4 years off to raise babies… Lots of self judgment and isolation and feelings like I had to “catch up” with everyone else. Within a few hours I had decided that I wasn’t welcome and had made a huge mistake in coming back.

But at the same time I saw a familiar pattern within myself. Because of my past with unhealthy communities and downright scary situations where I found myself in the midst of really harmful “group-think”, I am really good at sniffing out deception. This can be a good thing, but the gift is rooted in fear. And that fear tends to be very black and white. I can take a series of events and connect the dots in my mind until a well defined picture emerges that leaves me with only two options.. be manipulated and annihilated or RUN! And that is exactly how I felt this weekend.

But this time I decided to do something different. Instead of throwing up a wall and biding my time getting through the weekend, I decided to be open about what was going on in my mind. I was honest and told my group how I was feeling. And I became aware that I was limiting my power to two choices when really there was a whole array of options before me. I realized that I had been putting my mentors/teachers and the entire PTI program itself on a giant pedestal of perfection that was simply false. I recognized the positive changes that had occurred in me and so many of my friends because of the work we were doing and decided to not throw the baby out with the bath water. I decided instead to create my own safety, to take what works for me and leave the rest.

I’m really thankful that something inside me had to courage to work through all of that because I did glean a ton of wisdom in that experience of community that is just not possible to gather on my own. I am incredibly grateful for the souls that show up and commit to being vulnerable right alongside me and for my teachers that have the patience of saints and hearts full of love. As we are so fond of saying at the retreats “this shit really does work”.

Several pieces of wisdom have stuck with me from the weekend. There are so many and my analytical mind wants to make lists and rehash them over and over to make sure I don’t lose any of them. But that’s not practical and I have to trust that the big pieces floating to the top are what I need to focus on for now. I also have to trust that I can deal with whatever lies ahead on the path and that the wisdom and tools I need, will be there when I need them.

One of the big lessons is about letting go of our “biographies” and “choosing” who we want to be instead. The first step of all psychological work is going back to those broken places inside of us and correcting the false decisions and unhealthy behaviors that were created. It takes everyone a different amount of time to do that work and it’s tricky. It’s easy to get caught up in victim mentality when you’re going through it and to get stuck there. I think personally I have been stuck on the “shadow” level of work which comes next… dealing with the manifestation of behaviors that were created along the way. What I sensed this weekend is that I’m ready to step forward. I will always acknowledge my biography for what it is and the reason for why I am the way I am, but it’s time to focus on creating who I want to be.

When the shadow parts rise and trigger feelings of shame or fear I can allow them without wallowing in them. Instead of focusing on the suffering, I’m asking myself “how old does this part of me feel?” And then taking a moment to look that part of myself in the eye and assure them it’s all gonna be ok. To remind them I’m in charge, set limits and take care of getting all the help we need. I’m allowing myself to be seen, by me. I’m trusting that this will help the roller coaster of emotions and garner more peace and joy in my life.

Another lesson is that I create my own safety. I heard recently the analogy of trying to 

cover the whole world in leather or instead to wear leather shoes. I realized that working through this wisdom will lead me to a deeper sense of peace and carve out so much room for joy in my life. The past month I had an overwhelming urge to paint a visualization of my internal mother/womb. This was the beginning of this process for me. That painting went through many iterations, some childlike, some very dark and covered in black paint, and eventually a bold image that feels just right. I used the painting many times in my personal work over the weekend. It carries an intense energy and I’m really proud of myself for creating that resource.

Another interesting thing that happened over the weekend was a new found animal totem. I noticed that I was seeing a lot of woodpeckers on my walks and that they were coming up often in conversations as well. During my breath work a woodpecker came to me as a guide. Woodpeckers symbolize so many of the things I am learning about right now…. Limiting black/white thinking, Trusting, Movement, Returning to our roots and using our discernment to follow through with our plans. They are all about determination! The woodpecker taught me that trusting is a way of using my power and how to tap on my body to increase my vibration and pull out of the shame spiral.

The last big rock of wisdom that has stuck with me is the idea that we ARE ALL VERY ATTACHED TO OUR SUFFERING. And not only that,  but the idea that WE CAN LET THAT GO. Acceptance seems to be key here along with a really really strong belief that the universe is not out to get me. I believe through choice I can change my vision of the world I live in. Instead of seeing life as a path filled with land mines that I have to outsmart and navigate I can lean into that thing that has my back and trust that life is kind and has all of our best interests at heart. Fear tells me that’s all a load of crap but the deepest part of me that is filled with light jumps up and down and says “yes yes yes that’s it” when I say that idea out loud.

I believe happiness comes when we feel understood and seen, when we have a purpose and when we have the power to live that purpose. Seeing life as the playground of choice is really exciting and stirs me up in awesome ways. It makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning. I know obstacles will come, they are already here, but these perspectives shift everything into a picture of hope and not despair. I know my shadows will continue to rise, but there are always little tiny moments of choice inside the darkness. 

These moments are like pinholes of light that whisper for us to remember. Remember who we really are – awesome and unique souls on a quest to love and be loved. These pinholes of light remind us to follow through on our commitment to joy, and to look on the bright side.

I also believe the only way to keep this perspective is to make some healthy habits and new behaviors to reinforce it. This is the fun part where I get to try out some stuff and see what works. Writing them here is a form of accountability.

Each day I want to take time to list three good things about the day. This can be in my head but I really want to write them down.

Practice giving and receiving random acts of kindness. This week I’ve experienced both and I noticed a shift in my energy when they happened. One really stands out to me. I passed a stranger on a lunch run. As I ran by him he looked at me with a giant smile on his face and said “you know you don’t have to run. You have a beautiful spirit and body already. Take time to enjoy this day” It made me slow down and I felt seen on a very deep level. I want to give that kind of gift in return too.

Meditate daily – Receiving and Giving to the collective unconscious makes me feel a part of something greater than myself, it makes me feel seen and allows me to give back as well. A big part of meditation for me is practicing awareness without judgment. I have noticed that If I can just sit in whatever experience I am having with my observer, watching the emotions shift gives me faith and practice for dealing with those emotions when I’m not meditating.

And lastly – keep Moving! When I feel my vibration slowing it’s important to practice shifting that energy.  I’m learning to be a little gentler and less black/white about how I do that shifting these days too. I tend to either push really hard or just give up. I’m learning as I train for a marathon that I have to watch my heart rate and keep myself within an aerobic state or else I burn out. The same is true in so many areas. But the key is to keep moving with grace.

Savoring the Strawberries

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.” Pema Chodron

I think we all know the adage “nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”.

Well I’m living it this week.

Medical stuff has reappeared that I had hoped to never deal with again.

But for whatever reason that’s not the case and I’m using the pain to dig a little deeper and work through fear and trust on another level.

I’m owning that this sucks big time but I’m also owning that my life is still really REALLY GOOD and full of blessings.

I’m enjoying the strawberries on the vine and opening my eyes to blessings.

Here are a few I jotted down last night and today.

The A/C at my rental condo only needed freon and not replaced

Watching Ro write in the invention journal Che gave him

Laying my head on Che's chest after a long talk and feeling closer to
him than ever. He has such a beautiful soul.

Doctors and technology that keep simple medical issues from growing into larger life threatening issues

Lidocaine rocks

Paints and canvas full of possibility

My camera and lenses

A soft comfy bed with smooth sheets and a perfect weighted comforter

The tomato and pepper plants are budding outside

The covered back porch is beginning to feel like my nest

The sound of silence and nature as my mind focuses on the evolving canvas before me

Color - glorious color

A job that pays well and gives me paid time off work for days just like this.

A piece of art that finally feels "right" and brings me comfort when I think about or look at it. 

Hayden's smile and desire to spend time with me in the kitchen.

A fan over my bed that blows a gentle breeze across my skin

A body and spirit that refuse to give in to darkness. That fight and stretch and arch towards the light

Sunshine through the sun roof on the drive into work

Not running out of gas when I very easily could have

A doctor in my office building so I don’t have to take off work.

Friends that see pain on my face and stop in the check on me.

A sense of peace deep inside the pain that says “you won’t always feel like this”

Words and Images that bring hope and laughter

Hope and Choice.. always

The Power of a Smile

The power of a smile is incredible.

Today as I walked into the office I passed a group of people walking the other direction.

One of the men looked at me, saw the sadness on my face and gave me the biggest smile. His face lit up and his eyes seemed to say "chin up, it's a beautiful day". I see smiles from men often. But I can usually sense a different motivation for their attention. This was just pure joy he was emitting.

I immediately thought of the lesson the universe, God, whatever I'm calling it these days, has been trying to teach me. A few weeks ago I got a message from that higher place that said "when you can't see hope, when you've lost faith, look for the smiles and smile yourself. Smiling is having faith and hope that the light always wins over the dark. It's courageous to smile"

As I walked past the man this morning I wondered if God himself had jumped into his body and put that smile on his face. 

It's a simple thing but I'm choosing to see it as a sign that something good out there really does have my back.