Shape Shifting

You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."  Tony Robbins

So much is happening over here! The past few weeks have brought lots of opportunities and challenges. It’s not that I’ve been working with an inordinate amount of “problems” or anything like that, but I have been taking on everything that comes my way with a sense of “what can I learn from this?”  All of these lessons have shaken me to my roots and it’s a really awesome thing.

I have also decided to jump back into the PTI world again at the graduate level. We held our first weekend gathering last weekend and man oh man did I learn and grow. Going back to that setting reminded me of how I felt returning the workforce after taking 4 years off to raise babies… Lots of self judgment and isolation and feelings like I had to “catch up” with everyone else. Within a few hours I had decided that I wasn’t welcome and had made a huge mistake in coming back.

But at the same time I saw a familiar pattern within myself. Because of my past with unhealthy communities and downright scary situations where I found myself in the midst of really harmful “group-think”, I am really good at sniffing out deception. This can be a good thing, but the gift is rooted in fear. And that fear tends to be very black and white. I can take a series of events and connect the dots in my mind until a well defined picture emerges that leaves me with only two options.. be manipulated and annihilated or RUN! And that is exactly how I felt this weekend.

But this time I decided to do something different. Instead of throwing up a wall and biding my time getting through the weekend, I decided to be open about what was going on in my mind. I was honest and told my group how I was feeling. And I became aware that I was limiting my power to two choices when really there was a whole array of options before me. I realized that I had been putting my mentors/teachers and the entire PTI program itself on a giant pedestal of perfection that was simply false. I recognized the positive changes that had occurred in me and so many of my friends because of the work we were doing and decided to not throw the baby out with the bath water. I decided instead to create my own safety, to take what works for me and leave the rest.

I’m really thankful that something inside me had to courage to work through all of that because I did glean a ton of wisdom in that experience of community that is just not possible to gather on my own. I am incredibly grateful for the souls that show up and commit to being vulnerable right alongside me and for my teachers that have the patience of saints and hearts full of love. As we are so fond of saying at the retreats “this shit really does work”.

Several pieces of wisdom have stuck with me from the weekend. There are so many and my analytical mind wants to make lists and rehash them over and over to make sure I don’t lose any of them. But that’s not practical and I have to trust that the big pieces floating to the top are what I need to focus on for now. I also have to trust that I can deal with whatever lies ahead on the path and that the wisdom and tools I need, will be there when I need them.

One of the big lessons is about letting go of our “biographies” and “choosing” who we want to be instead. The first step of all psychological work is going back to those broken places inside of us and correcting the false decisions and unhealthy behaviors that were created. It takes everyone a different amount of time to do that work and it’s tricky. It’s easy to get caught up in victim mentality when you’re going through it and to get stuck there. I think personally I have been stuck on the “shadow” level of work which comes next… dealing with the manifestation of behaviors that were created along the way. What I sensed this weekend is that I’m ready to step forward. I will always acknowledge my biography for what it is and the reason for why I am the way I am, but it’s time to focus on creating who I want to be.

When the shadow parts rise and trigger feelings of shame or fear I can allow them without wallowing in them. Instead of focusing on the suffering, I’m asking myself “how old does this part of me feel?” And then taking a moment to look that part of myself in the eye and assure them it’s all gonna be ok. To remind them I’m in charge, set limits and take care of getting all the help we need. I’m allowing myself to be seen, by me. I’m trusting that this will help the roller coaster of emotions and garner more peace and joy in my life.

Another lesson is that I create my own safety. I heard recently the analogy of trying to 

cover the whole world in leather or instead to wear leather shoes. I realized that working through this wisdom will lead me to a deeper sense of peace and carve out so much room for joy in my life. The past month I had an overwhelming urge to paint a visualization of my internal mother/womb. This was the beginning of this process for me. That painting went through many iterations, some childlike, some very dark and covered in black paint, and eventually a bold image that feels just right. I used the painting many times in my personal work over the weekend. It carries an intense energy and I’m really proud of myself for creating that resource.

Another interesting thing that happened over the weekend was a new found animal totem. I noticed that I was seeing a lot of woodpeckers on my walks and that they were coming up often in conversations as well. During my breath work a woodpecker came to me as a guide. Woodpeckers symbolize so many of the things I am learning about right now…. Limiting black/white thinking, Trusting, Movement, Returning to our roots and using our discernment to follow through with our plans. They are all about determination! The woodpecker taught me that trusting is a way of using my power and how to tap on my body to increase my vibration and pull out of the shame spiral.

The last big rock of wisdom that has stuck with me is the idea that we ARE ALL VERY ATTACHED TO OUR SUFFERING. And not only that,  but the idea that WE CAN LET THAT GO. Acceptance seems to be key here along with a really really strong belief that the universe is not out to get me. I believe through choice I can change my vision of the world I live in. Instead of seeing life as a path filled with land mines that I have to outsmart and navigate I can lean into that thing that has my back and trust that life is kind and has all of our best interests at heart. Fear tells me that’s all a load of crap but the deepest part of me that is filled with light jumps up and down and says “yes yes yes that’s it” when I say that idea out loud.

I believe happiness comes when we feel understood and seen, when we have a purpose and when we have the power to live that purpose. Seeing life as the playground of choice is really exciting and stirs me up in awesome ways. It makes me want to jump out of bed in the morning. I know obstacles will come, they are already here, but these perspectives shift everything into a picture of hope and not despair. I know my shadows will continue to rise, but there are always little tiny moments of choice inside the darkness. 

These moments are like pinholes of light that whisper for us to remember. Remember who we really are – awesome and unique souls on a quest to love and be loved. These pinholes of light remind us to follow through on our commitment to joy, and to look on the bright side.

I also believe the only way to keep this perspective is to make some healthy habits and new behaviors to reinforce it. This is the fun part where I get to try out some stuff and see what works. Writing them here is a form of accountability.

Each day I want to take time to list three good things about the day. This can be in my head but I really want to write them down.

Practice giving and receiving random acts of kindness. This week I’ve experienced both and I noticed a shift in my energy when they happened. One really stands out to me. I passed a stranger on a lunch run. As I ran by him he looked at me with a giant smile on his face and said “you know you don’t have to run. You have a beautiful spirit and body already. Take time to enjoy this day” It made me slow down and I felt seen on a very deep level. I want to give that kind of gift in return too.

Meditate daily – Receiving and Giving to the collective unconscious makes me feel a part of something greater than myself, it makes me feel seen and allows me to give back as well. A big part of meditation for me is practicing awareness without judgment. I have noticed that If I can just sit in whatever experience I am having with my observer, watching the emotions shift gives me faith and practice for dealing with those emotions when I’m not meditating.

And lastly – keep Moving! When I feel my vibration slowing it’s important to practice shifting that energy.  I’m learning to be a little gentler and less black/white about how I do that shifting these days too. I tend to either push really hard or just give up. I’m learning as I train for a marathon that I have to watch my heart rate and keep myself within an aerobic state or else I burn out. The same is true in so many areas. But the key is to keep moving with grace.