Firsts and Lasts

I remember the First time I gazed into your eyes and told you I love you. Nina Simone was playing and I knew... I knew without a doubt something really good was entering my life.

It's poetic that the final clarity came in the same manner. Staring into your beautiful eyes it was clear. I love you but I have to let you go. My heart trembled and froze. No!! But it was a clear calling that I could not deny.

Firsts and Lasts are cruel. This shift is like a death but even more painful. Because we're both still around and we have to watch each other go on, living our lives with the pain and the joy. But as you told me yesterday, you are worth every moment of that pain.

The Last time I watch you play with my boys where everything feels natural. They don't know this is the last time. It feels out of time watching them laugh and giggle knowing they will never have this again... Not like this

Reminds me of sedona where we sat gazing up at cathedral rock. You said you were taking a moment because "I will never see this again. not like this" and you were so right baby. That was the last and I just didn't know it. 

The Last found note from you.

"I will always love you" glowing on my computer screen. I wept. I had to run to shut the door to my room so the boys wouldn't hear. Crumpling to the floor, I wept.

The last time I wash the sheets and your scent away. I fold your jeans and shirt delicately. Holding them to my heart and weep some more.

Why heart why? Why did we have to do this? Surely I misunderstood. Love like this doesn't come around often. Why? But a gentle voice tells me to hold on and reminds me that I didn't rush to this decision. It reminds me of the ache I felt every day that led to it's occurrence. Big deep breath. 

First night without "good night baby I'll see you soon"

First morning without "good morning baby I love you"

I don't feel like me without giving and receiving those messages.

We are losing not only a lover but a best friend because the lines are not clear. They cross cross like cracks in the pavement. And the friendship is so painful to separate. Right now it will only lead to hanging on. Can time heal that? Please tell me it can. Because the thought of my life completely void of you is too much to bare.

But even with the pain I would not erase one single memory with you.

I think of eternal sunshine of the

Spotless mind. Would I choose to erase your memories so that I could remove the pain? No way in hell. Instead I accept the pain as the pay for all the Joy and Love. This is just part of life. The yin/yang. It will be ok... With time and as you said the warm hands of life will surround us again.

In the end you were right I had to be true to myself and walk away because as incredible as we are it is not enough for me

I hate that

I tell myself to suck it up and deal. To choose to be happy with what is. And God knows I tried. I wore acceptance like an evening gown with grace and humility.

But it wasn't enough. My heart continued to sink daily at the absences of you in my life and with no hope of them being filled I knew I had to make the painful decision.

There is a place inside of me that can never be replaced by anyone else. I am cleaning up, covering the couches with sheets and preparing to shut that door for the last time. Oh that last time.

That last time we made love.

That last kiss outside your car. 

That last time we held each other in my room 

That last time I felt your fingertips against mine as I walked back in the house.

Those lasts were incredible gifts and are a testament to the love we shared. They are sealed in a box in that room in my heart. They are part of my light and hope now. 

I want to text you 

Again

And

Again

To let you know I'm thinking of you

That I still love you

But I can't

I had to rip the band aid to let you go

And now it feels like its hanging precariously from one tiny sticky part to the side of my leg.

Can I pull the rest off and shut that door to that place in my heart for the last time

The last time

I know I need to but I don't have the strength right now

It's such a beautiful place we created. So full of love and acceptance and comfortable silence when we were in it together.

In time I will be able to close it but today I'm tidying up a little more. It's what I do when I'm in stress as you know full well. I'm washing the dishes and going through the notes.. So many notes. I'm playing  all of our songs on the piano and taking my time to say goodbye.

I love you. I always will.