True Beauty

A friend posted this image on Facebook the other day.

Her name is Lizzie Miller and she is known as

the woman on p.194 of the September 2009 Glamour magazine.

The reaction to this posting was off the charts.

Over and over I saw

“that looks like me!”

“We need more images like this”

I could feel a virtual deep sigh of relief.

The shame drifting away

as women were reminded

that they were normal and beautiful.

I think the majority of people don’t feel 'good enough' today.

Brene' Brown has done tons of research on the issue and it’s true.

We are living in a society of deep shame.

The diet and health industry (both physical and mental) is booming like never before.

Viewing these comments and questions raised

made me dig a little deeper

into my own judgments and beliefs

about being healthy and beautiful.

I haven’t really talked about it much on here,

but over the last two years

I have lost close to 80 pounds.

I am still processing both the physical and emotional transformation.

My journey to health began towards the beginning of my divorce.

I knew I had to get on my feet and find my inner strength

if I was going to survive that life change.

I had abused my body most of my life

with shifting swings of sugar and junk food binges

followed by starvation and obsessive exercise.

In high school I lost a massive amount of weight

by tracking every single bite that entered my mouth

but I was completely OCD about it

and even started trying controlling and manipulating

the food intake of the people around me.

The pounds slowly crept on

as I went through college and early marriage.

But they reached their all time high during my deep depression

in my twenties and thirties.

I eventually started working on the deeper issues

(shame, guilt, fear)

causing my obesity and decided it was time to stop hiding and take care of myself.

I witnessed several friends

find joy in running by starting out with the numerous couchTo5k programs.

I decided to give it a try.

 On my first run I had something that I consider miraculous happen.

 A tiny white butterfly came along and joined me on the run.

 I took this as a sign that I needed to follow the running journey

 and see where it would lead me.

 To this day I still have what Che refers to as “my minions” join me on the path.

Two years later I can say it was one of the best choices I ever made.

 I have now finished a 5k, 10k, 15k and Half Marathon.

 Along the way I have learned how to listen to my body.

 To push it to its limits,

 to take care of it when it needs rest,

 to feed it and fuel it with healthy food,

 and how to listen to it deeply.

 I have found joy in all kinds of exercise 

and truly enjoy eating healthy energy rich foods.

But I still struggle with body image.

 Losing this much weight has caused a lot of excess skin I can’t stand.

 Many days when I look in the mirror

 I still see myself at close to 200 pounds

 ( I am only 5’ 2”). 

I constantly work to turn off the negative statements when I see myself in a mirror.

Part of it is driven by what I see.

 I believe our brains are wired to see beauty in symmetry and youth. 

 We are also given a societal view of beauty 

that is distorted and only given to a few who win the genetic lottery card. 

But I believe very deeply that beauty comes from within.

 When we believe we are beautiful,

 we feel beautiful

 and we radiate beauty.

 There is something about confidence that covers all physical flaws.

I think that is what people see when they look at the model on pg. 194.

 She is glowing with self-confidence.

 She is comfortable in her not so perfect skin.

 I truly believe if we saw more images like the one above 

in the print around us it would help us all 

see the beauty in our imperfections and own our own light.

I remember the first time I saw myself as physically beautiful.

 As most know, my guy is gifted with the ability

 to capture the beauty of women in such a way 

that we can see ourselves like never before.

 When we first started dating I was crazy camera shy.

 I had a moment of confidence one day

 and asked him to take some pictures of me.

 When I saw the images I spoke the words he has heard so many times before

 “that doesn’t look like me” 

and

“you made me look like a piece of art”.

 It took my breath away 

and it propelled my confidence to keep improving my body to where I wanted it to be.

I am beyond thankful for him

 and am constantly awe struck by the images he captures.

 Many of my friends don’t understand how I can be so open

 to dating someone who specializes in erotic photography. 

 They wonder how I can trust him

 and actually encourage him to go on photo shoots with naked women. 

The answer is that I KNOW HIM.

 It is his gift and I have no reason to not trust him.

 When my internal wheels start spinning

 and I begin to doubt or question,

 it is always my own insecurity rising to the surface.

 Living this journey has allowed me to do some deep work 

with that insecurity and the outcome has been incredible healing.

Along the way my own love of photography has expanded into working with people.

 I finally feel ready to take on the challenge of capturing the beauty of humanity.

 I believe beauty is in the real stuff…

 ALL emotions, shapes, sizes, curves and lines.

 Macro and micro I want to explore the light of the soul 

and what it means to be human.

 I call this series of my work, INTROSPECTIVES and I can’t get enough.

The more I am able shoot,

 the more I ponder these questions surrounding beauty.

 I find my eye looking for that symmetry and smoothness

 and the urge to reach for the liquify and cloning tools within photoshop creeps up.

It makes me wonder what I should focus on.

I know part of the problem with the image above is the position she is sitting in.

 If she was laid out on her back, arms reaching overhead, that tummy roll would disappear.

But what is more important?

Which image would capture her beauty?

Does the pose or acne or cellulite matter?

All I know is that when I see an image of myself

 that shows sagging skin or stretch marks,

 acne or a bad angle of my face, 

I cover my eyes and race for the delete button.

 I know other people feel the same way

 and that’s why we as photographers don’t share every image.

 We only show the “good ones”.

I honestly don’t know the answer to these questions,

 but I hope they become clear in time.

 For now I will continue to capture the beauty that surrounds me wherever I find it.