A Moving Sea

Yesterday I had lunch with a few friends. Two of them have husbands that work together. I witnessed a conversation that stirred something inside of me. It touched on a piece of vulnerability and fear that I know lies within me too.

The two husbands that work together are in management. They hired a young woman recently. They have both been going home and raving about said woman to their wives. How intelligent and cool she is. This girl is a firecracker, involved in just about everything you can imagine and she has hooked these guys big time. Both of my friends felt threatened by their husbands’ sudden interest in another woman. What struck me most is that neither one of my friends had talked to anyone about it. They had silently let these feelings of fear run in the undercurrent of their lives. But as one of them talked about it, the other’s eyes lit up.

“Me too! I felt exactly the same way! What’s the deal? Why is he so excited about this chick?”

I immediately connected with both of them. I saw my own fear in their eyes.

I think a lot of people struggle with this fear of being replaced by the shiny new object.

It comes from shame of course. Thinking we are not good enough, interesting enough, sexy enough, funny enough, _________ enough.

It also comes from our genetics. Survival of the fittest and those wires in our brains that are so truly human and primitive. It’s truth that we get bored with the same old anything. Routine and sameness wears on us and we crave adventure and change.

I have the same genetics, but I tend to crave connectedness and love even more than adventure.

I look at scenarios like this and it immediately makes me fearful to put my love into romantic or platonic relationships. What if they bore of me and all of the time and energy I put into that connection is ripped away from me?

Before I stepped out of my bubble I lived in such a way that these fears were band-aided by man-made institutions. Church was my shelter for friendships and marriage was my life-long institution for love. I was in “committed” relationships that I felt would never end and it gave me false security.

As I stepped out of church I witnessed friendships crumble and with divorce came the leap out of the bubble. It was the biggest consequence possible for taking the person I loved for granted. I own that big time and regret it deeply. But what is past is past and I know now this path had to be forged.

I believe our divorce was a tragedy but I also believe it was an opportunity to grow as people and I’m thankful we both chose to do so. I learned from it on so many levels but the big one is to be thankful each day for people in my life.

I look at relationships in a completely different way now. I can now see that friends will come in and out of my life. I choose to be grateful for today and work to let go with love when I feel people slipping away. I will always care deeply about the souls that cross my path, but I have to move on and allow for more connections.

Many of my friends ask if I want to remarry and I almost always say no. Marriage still feels like false security to me. I want to love today with all of my heart and let go of what will happen in the future. Yes I believe in commitment... giving my heart entirely to one man, staying true and by his side through hard times and good times. But I don’t want to take that precious soul connection and wrap any cords of confinement around it. The quote below describes what I am trying to say in such a beautiful and eloquent way.

“Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” Kahlil Gibran

I do believe that relationships require work though. Our human desire for newness and adventure will always exist. But I think it’s possible to keep love fresh. Routine and neglect will destroy the natural cycle, so I constantly choose to be thankful and push myself beyond my comfort zone to keep the spark on fire.

Che and I have talked about this many times. He says he wants us to “date” forever. I love the idea. It means looking at each other with the same amount of gratitude and awe as when we first met. It takes focus and sacrifice sometimes, but it is oh so much fun. It is simple things like gently sweeping my hand across his back as he cooks dinner or when he leans in for a kiss at random moments. It’s “I love you” text messages throughout the day. It’s letting our kids play together and going on adventures when we can. It’s dreaming about the future together. It is being honest and not letting little things build up into mountains we can’t cross. And I believe it’s about keeping our individual lives alive as well.

I feel blessed and thankful for the relationships I have with both friends and with Che. In some ways I feel like I am throwing the baby out with the bath water with my ideas on marriage. But for now, it’s what sits right with me.

I’m not sure what the point of sharing all of this is. Maybe it will encourage someone who is in that place of fear to let go of their tight grasp on their loved ones and choose to play instead. Or maybe it was just to encourage myself to do the same.