The past few weeks have been some of the most heart wrenching and healing in my life. I experienced self hatred and fear on levels that were even new to me. But through the grace of life, a whole bunch of courage and determination and a lot of love from myself and close friends, I found my way through. The lessons learned may seem obvious or self evident to others, but for me they lifted the veil over my eyes and allowed me to see the truth.
And while I don’t want to return to those days and beat the dead horse, I need to write about the journey. Memory is funny and the lessons learned this go round are worthy of carving into stone. I believe with all of me that struggles are opportunities and this past week burned that belief a little deeper.
It’s hard to put into words what exactly happened, but I’m going to do my best. Little triggers brought up memories of deeper wounds and past grievances that would not let go. They called to me for healing, not in words, but through unending tears, anxiety and sadness. My higher self told me it was time to deal with them... to release the shame and fear that I was holding in my body from these memories. Some of the memories were quite old, childhood issues that I’ve been dealing with for years and some were quite new, recent behaviors that I had acquired and hidden from almost everyone I knew.
I read books, meditated, took long drives alone and talked to trusted friends about the pain inside of me. I came to the conclusion that forgiveness was the only way through and the biggie was that I was going to have to stop hiding my shit and forgive myself. I knew that doing so would elevate the love I am able to send out into the world, and that was the motivation I needed to do the work that was required.
What I found is that self-forgiveness is the highest form of love. It’s saying “I see you, all of you, the dark and light and I love you.” There is no smoothing over the details with yourself. I could see that in these moments I always had a choice. Yes I could see the “reasons” for the behaviors, but the full truth is I always had a choice. So I took a clear look at what I had done, but with self-compassion and understanding that I’m human and incapable of always choosing correctly.
I am thankful to my teachers and friends that pointed out the beauty of being human. Che had such a beautiful way of encouraging me.. “light every corner of your mind, push away the darkness that fills you, fill the corners and cast shadow in harsh judgments… use that light that you show and shine and surround me with to blind yourself to the past, stop looking for it, stop living it, stop carrying it like a backpack not made for you. I see life in your eyes that is dying to live, to run and be free but you hold back, you allow the baggage of dark water that has past you by so long ago to circle around you.”
I also found wisdom in the teachings of Pema Chodron, an expert in self-forgiveness. She encourages us to recognize our missteps and to be willing to take a clear look at what we do. She urges us to go ahead, and feel the clean knife-like pain of regret/remorse/embarrassment–but only for two minutes (or less)–and then, in the spirit of not sinking into the muck, let go. Let it pierce you to the heart, she says, and then, let go. Allow for a fresh start.
I came to the belief that there was indeed a way through, a process and I did my best to follow it. I had to get untangled form the struggle and move on. I had to risk losing people I love. I had to be true and I had to accept and love myself.
One morning as I was getting ready for work the tears would not stop flowing. As I tried to put on eye makeup I could see them forming in the folds of my eyes and rolling over the top. So I stopped and stared deeply into my own eyes. What I found surprised me and settled me. A new part that I now refer to as “the observer” was staring back at me. She had no judgment, only love. She was simply watching me struggle and sending me energy to find peace. I believe she is a part of me that is outside of time and her simple act of observing with love shifted something inside of me and foreshadowed my eventual release.
A few days later I decided to try out a kundalini meditation group meeting at 306 Phoenix House here in Tulsa. I was expecting the same type of meditation that I did with my PTI group, but it was something completely different. 15 minutes of shaking, 15 dancing, 15 in stillness and 15 in silence. I ended up being the only person besides the leader of the group that night but it was true serendipity that I went. Tim was kind and loving and more present than anyone I have ever met. At times it was like talking to someone who was shifting between realities, coming back with little packets of wisdom each time.
I should back up a little and explain a little about my past. I have come to understand through therapy that our neural pathways are formed when we are children and the way in which they are formed guides us unless we do the difficult work of reshaping them.
At a young age I was told that I was hated by people in authority over me, not my parents, but leaders that I looked up to. I was told that I was evil and hated and the only hope for me was if Jesus would save my soul. Otherwise I would burn in hell forever because of how horrible I was. The energy of these words, created a grotesque inner vision of myself. I have been working for many years to change that point of view and reform the pathways of my mind to believe the truth.
During the meditation that night, the voices from the past came back as I tried to go through the process of forgiving myself. The fear and shame returned. Tim looked at me with the most loving eyes and simply said “you need to know Jesus loves you and you are worthy of all love”. My whole body shook with the power of that simple message and I believe some rewiring happened for sure. It was a gift I will always treasure and hope to pass on to another soul trapped in self hatred.
The next day I decided to take the day off work. My higher self told me I needed time to listen and rest. I drove to Osage forest of peace with no reservation or plans in mind hoping they would have room for me. I was greeted with open arms and given a cabin to use for the day. They fed me and gave me a safe place to be in silence. (A true church in my opinion) As I was heading out to my cabin I noticed a magazine with the following articles listed on the cover..
How to forgive yourself and others
Sometimes being wrong is the best thing that can happen to you
Dealing with difficult emotions
I chucked to myself and grabbed it.
In the cabin I read, I slept, I cried, I ate healthy food and drank warm tea, I watched the squirrels, and I listened deeply.
I layed on a tiny twin bed and listened to my breath
To the malevolent words in my mind playing out their fear scenarios
And abusive jibberish
And instead of taking them into my heart
I just laid there and noticed them
I realized these voices are not my own
They were burned into my mind years ago and I’m seriously done listening to them
I allowed my own inner voice to whisper her truth over their hateful screams.
I realized that I didn’t have to fix anything or do anything other than love myself in that moment
And then I drifted into the deepest sleep I had experienced in weeks.
I woke with energy to take the next step. I knew I had to ask forgiveness to do what was right and true for myself. I was clear about where I went wrong, I understood why I did it, that I was regretful beyond measure and I had a plan for how to do things differently in the future. But I was terrified of making a mess of things and causing hurt by shining light on the past.
That portion of the journey involves other people and I would not want to share things here that would hurt them, but the point that needs to be remembered is that everyone I went to was able to deal with my apology in a way that furthered my own healing. Some accepted, some didn’t want details and just wanted to let it go, and some were silent. I understand them all. And after everything was said and done I let it all go.
Che shared a visual for letting go that I love… it’s like footprints on a path in the sand and they wash away as the tide comes in. Beautiful isn't it.
A few days have passed since all of this took place and I feel a peace and level of joy inside that is so refreshing. I feel free and able to play. Over the weekend Che and I took one of our gypsy drives. He stopped next to a playground in the middle of a neighborhood and pointed to the merry go round. I jumped out and ran to it. Pushing it as fast I could and jumping on to feel the wind blow through my hair. It was exhilarating and truly what life is all about.
You touch my heart with your post... thank you for sharing. ~ Tim
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