Saying Yes

This week has been filled with a new challenge for my oldest son. He is
struggling with school for the first time in his life. I guess this is common in 6th grade!

We have spent every evening combing through old and new assignments,
dividing, multiplying, practicing Chinese and learning how to plot latitude
and longitude locations on a globe. Good fun stuff to learn, but not so easy when you are anxious, rushed and feeling like your whole world is collapsing.

I could see the shame in my sons' eyes each night as we struggled through
the pile of work he has allowed to build up around him over the past few weeks.

I noticed myself saying things like....

"you're going to have to start paying more attention"
"why didn't you ask for help?"
"What did the teacher say about this? and when there was just a look of
horror in return... "oh son" with a deep sigh

I caught myself saying internally

"no, no, no, this isn't happening. How did my straight A student suddenly start failing all of his classes?"

I don't think it is a coincidence that this is happening right in the middle of my process to let go of a two year relationship and rebuild my connection to my own love.

In that rebuilding I am finding that the secret tool seems to be ALLOWING
WHAT IS HAPPENING and LOVING MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT I"M EXPERIENCING

and from that place of love, the shifting happens naturally.

It's when I try to FORCE myself to change that things fall apart.

The words ENOUGH and EMBRACE hold my left and right hands.

I am* enough*. My life has *enough*. and if I *embrace* every part of myself and my circumstances, I feel at peace.

Yesterday afternoon as I walked to the courthouse to pay a speeding ticket,
I noticed a similarity between my son and I.

I felt little knots building in my stomach as I walked through the x-ray scanner at the police department.

My hands trembled as I lifted my wallet and insurance verification out of my purse.

"Oh Angie. You know better than to speed through a construction zone. What
is WRONG with you? You can't afford this ticket. Why or why did you not pay
better attention that day?

The thoughts continued as I walked back to my car and then I had another thought.

What if I could find a way to be grateful for this experience?... right now!

If I really believed everything I've been practicing, then damn it, there had to be a way to be thankful in this moment.

How could I say YES to THIS?

And then I saw it. Clear as day. The parallel. My own inner critic bashing
me for a simple mistake that 99% of us all make at some point in our lives.
And if I continued to bash myself it could ironically lead to making the very same mistake. If I filled my mind with negative self talk on the drive home, I would be distracted again and might just find myself speeding along and pulling over for yet another ticket.

I also considered the idea that the money I just paid, was going to be used for the police department which protects me and my family. Yes it hurt to pay it. But the realization that the sacrifice of forking over money would be a constant and strong reminder to not make the same mistake going forward. Like a finger in the fire, consequences can be helpful.

And most importantly I gave myself some grace. I put the ball bat away and lovingly told myself "you are enough. You made a mistake. Learn from it and move forward. Let it go and do better next time"

As I picked up the boys that night, I told them we were going to have a celebration.

My son looked at me with a puzzled expression, expecting it to be another
night of hashing out homework at the kitchen table instead.

I told them we were going to celebrate ENOUGH. That we were going to say
"Yes" to being imperfect and messing up and learning lessons.

We enjoyed a dinner on the patio of a local restaurant and watched the birds fly in formation into the setting sun. I told them the story of my speeding ticket and the truth I had seen. I apologized for being critical.

We talked about doing better.. but out of love and not forced will. I told them I believed in them. That I would always have their back and provide the consequences they needed to keep learning lessons in life. The consequences aren't going anywhere, but my critical voice and attitude is
going in the dumpster.

We went home to finish our celebration.

I wanted to have cake with candles, but knew time was limited. So instead I
spelled out the word Yes with some old birthday candles in the half eaten
loaf of banana bread. It wasn't perfect. But it was enough. We all blew out
the candles together and I smiled deeply with my whole body. These kids
knew their mom had their back in that moment and I knew I had my own back
too. I felt a little hug from the universe.

I think the world is full of messages of "you'll never be good enough" and
God knows they get reinforced at school and work. I believe we all need a place and people in our lives that we know without a doubt love us no matter what we do.

I really hope my kids feel that place is at home and that they can learn to give that gift to themselves as well.

You and I are the answer

If you are falling... Dive

Find a place inside where there is joy,

And the joy will burn out the pain.

Life has no meaning.

Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life.

It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.

Joseph Campbell

Enough

My own embrace is enough

It is more than enough

I am surrounded and filled with more than I could ever appreciate fully

Love is enough

I am enough

For Poppy

“What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us.”

 

- Marianne Williamson

 

Dear Poppy,

It’s important to be nice to others, to offer a helping hand, to show compassion and love freely.

But if someone doesn’t accept the gift we have to offer, it really isn’t about us.

I know it hurts your feelings and makes you feel like there’s something wrong with YOU.

But sweet girl, that is not the truth.

You are awesome and the compassion you show the world is incredible.

We have so much to give.

But from now on, when we open our hearts to someone and our love is not acknowledged (or even flat out refused),

we’re going to do something different.

We’re going to turn that love around and give it back to ourselves.

We will soak in the goodness they are missing out on.

No more asking (begging) for the love, respect and attention we deserve.

 

Love me,

The Strong One

Break on through to the other side

Last night I had a breakthrough.

 

For months I have been aware of what I refer to as a black hole of need inside of myself.

 

It feels lonely, empty and deep.

 

Throughout my life I have either tried to fill this hole with people, food, sex, alcohol, ____, work, etc. or distract myself from believing it exists.

 

The hole screams out to me when I am physically alone…when I walk in the door to my home and there is no sound but my own breath.

 

Last night as I prepared for bed, the same eerie silence filled my room.

 

Instead of hiding from the aching feeling, I lit a candle, burned some incense and took a seat on my yoga mat.

 

I sat with the feeling and allowed them to come up fully

 

Tears and a deep feeling of shame arose.

 

 

I watched the thoughts as they came and went and my body grew heavier and heavier as time passed.

 

And then a voice came that I know well…. That healthy and wisest part of me.

 

She said “what do you long for right now? In this very moment what do you long for?”

 

My initial reaction and thought was “connection”

 

And then!

 

“Wait no, in this very moment, right now, I don’t long for anything. I am calm and peaceful and full of energy. I can feel my connection to the earth beneath me and the connection to the air in the breath that fills and leaves me. I am in constant change and connection, like the clouds in the sky and I am at peace. I long for nothing”

 

And then I cried with Joy!

 

It felt like crossing the finish line of a healing marathon.

 

In my mind, I have known this place of peace exists and I have hedged all of my bets on it. But last night I finally experienced it on a FEELING level in every cell of my body.

 

The moment has passed and of course I have not been able to completely hold onto that same peace in every moment since then. I don’t think that’s how life works.

 

I think it is a practice to keep returning to that still place inside and trusting in it.

 

I think it takes action to find rest.

 

My heart does long for connection to other souls as well, but I know that first I must be filled with this connection to the divine.

 

I am thankful for a path to that connection.

 

I am thankful for an experience I can use to remind myself in moments of darkness.

 

I am thankful for this path I am walking right now.

 

As uncomfortable as it is to say no to the things that feel easier and immediately satisfying, this new path of true connection is wider and deeper than I ever imagined possible.

I want to know

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Oriah

This is my life mantra

Shadow Dance

"Your shadow is not always dark... you just have to let her play too, let her out into the light so she can dance."